This is the part of the month where I get angry.
The cycle isn't over yet, and I'm having few symptoms that it is coming to an end, but I just know in my heart it is.
So, the anger started yesterday. I attempted with all my might to fight off anger at God as I got ready for Mass. I cried in church. I went numb around pregnant women. Later in the day, I grew disgusted as I heard stories of horrible parents someone told me and came to the conclusion that as much as children are God's creation, our free will is to blame for screwing up. I know that might sound obvious, but it's easy to believe God saw those bad parents as more suitable parents than me, as horrible as they are. That just can't possibly be the case.
Still, I feel like my life is out of control, that I can't understand why God would allow this to happen to me.
Speaking of things God is allowing to happen to me, I have had spotting yesterday and today. BIG step backwards. I'm devastated. So not only do I of course not have a chance at a pregnancy, but I can't even simply get an improved cycle. It feels like a huge slap in the face. I lower my standards and my hopes, and they even get squashed.
Of course I want to know if something is wrong so it can be treated, but I just hoped that nothing more was wrong! I just desperately hoped the spotting would go away as my cycles improved, which it had the last two months. I feel like I've been kicked when I was down.
So I'm still trying not to be angry with God. Not because I don't blame him or because I have come to terms with him not answering my prayer. No, I am trying to not be angry because I understand that we shouldn't be. I know it's not right and isn't productive. That's all I can give for now. Hopefully I'll believe the not blaming him part later.
Yesterday I filled my time with projects to get my mind off of things. First, I made some topiaries because I've always wanted to and last night was as good a time as any:
I was happy with them, and kind of surprised that not only did I quickly found all the pieces at Michael's (despite the millions of Christmas decoration shoppers I had to push through), but that they only took about ten minutes to make.
Then I made this:
It cost only $10 to make, although I broke a $2.99 hot glue gun in the process. I love having an Advent wreath and we'll be able to use this one year after year.
So at least I felt productive yesterday in some way. I may not be able to produce a child, but I can produce all the arts and crafts projects I want! That's a fair trade-off, right?
Monday, December 1, 2008
Frustrated
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I'm sorry for the frustration. I'm frustrated for you! Unless, of course, there is another reason for the spotting... but I can totally understand not wanting to even go there right now.
ReplyDeleteI hope you can get to the bottom of this. In the meantime, beautiful projects! If you can make such beautiful things with just your own 2 hands, think about how perfect your little babies will be- made by you, DH, and God :)
I have never been a spotter, when i do get my periods, but i can imagine how that would get you frustrated, especially after making a lot of progress with your cycles.
ReplyDeleteSounds like the projects are keeping you busy and they are coming out great, i wish i had half your talent!
I am so sorry. Freakin A.
ReplyDeleteWhat the *&^%$!
ReplyDeleteI feel your frustration.
I totally feel it.
I have had to work through a LOT of anger over the past two months or so. More than I'd like to admit. I didn't know I could experience so much anger until now.
I am going to be praying for you. I don't know what God has in store for us, but I do know that He is worthy of our trust and our love, no matter what He ever gives or takes away. In your case I do believe you are going to conceive. I haven't stopped believing that, even in the face of these little setbacks.
I can relate to the intense frustration though with my ongoing ovulation problems. I am so fed up with my own body and I know that is terrible, and not very Napro-like ... but seriously I am so fed up with it that I'm almost ready to throw in the towel! Grr!
I feel your frustration. I go through it every time my cycles "ends" too. I'm so glad you were able to keep occupied with crafts though. I was doing the same thing this weekend. You are in my prayers.
ReplyDeleteI hear you.
ReplyDeleteHang in there, keep your arms wrapped around hope as you always do!
Praying for you!
Peace of Christ,
eilyn
Thinking of you! (and always drooling over your decorations - you have such an eye)
ReplyDeleteI love the topiaries! They are gorgeous!!! I need to jump on the band wagon and get an advent wreath!
ReplyDeleteI understand your frustration! I know its none of my business, but have you thought about clomid?
Oh and I was wondering, did you got to a regular OBGYN for initial care for your PCOS or was it always done through PPVI? I am wondering because I think my sister has it....
ReplyDeleteI think I know exactly how you feel. Month after month I keep hoping and praying for a miracle, but nothing seems to change. I did manage to lose 21 pounds, I take LDN for the endometriosis which is supposed to help make you more fertile, and I've been taking progesterone now for two cycles. Still though, my time of the month always shows up on time. It never has been late or not shown up. Not once!
ReplyDeleteOver the past two weeks two friends who had their own difficulties with conceiving and infertility, have announced they are now pregnant. This past weekend on the day I got my time of the month I attended a cousin's baby shower. I am very happy for them all, but I feel sad, discouraged, and disappointed for me and my husband.
I've been crying a lot over the last few days especially over the weekend. I wonder, "Why God? Why can't I get pregnant and have even one baby? Did I do something wrong?" I cried to my poor Mom telling her I feel like I did something wrong and I'm being punished.
Also the funny thing is that it seems when I pray for other people to become pregnant, they get pregnant. However when I pray for myself to be able to get pregnant, I feel like I'm getting no answers. I am still going to pray for other people though. I really love praying for other people.
Actually I have found that what helps me feel better is praying for other people. I am now praying the rosary, divine mercy chaplet, and St. Gianna novena for you Karey and your husband, everyone dealing with endometriosis/pcos/and infertility, and for me and the hubby.
Would anybody like to join in?
Karey, I'm praying for you! I think I know exactly how you feel.
Love,
Maria
You're not alone girl....I'm feeling the same way today. Went to my friends baby shower yesterday and I think all the emotions are hitting me now. Hang in there! :)
ReplyDeleteyou're definitely not alone. it seems like frustration is a feeling that is common for so many of us. i know in my heart that the route that we're taking is a longer one and one that does not compromise our beliefs, but it's so hard to be patient sometimes.
ReplyDeletei admire that you were constructive with your time. you're craftiness is awesome!
Praying for you Karey. You aren't alone.
ReplyDeletePeace,
Meg
First, I want to let you know that I am so glad you have found an outlet to express yourself when having tough days. Your topiaries turned out fabulous! I wish that I had your creative flair! Your advent wreath looks fantastic, too! I put our Advent wreath together today for our work's daily meditations!
ReplyDeleteWhat an observation you had at the mall! Sometimes I am just amazed that so many people have the ability to procreate and others really struggle to make sure their bodies are fertile ground for God to do his work. I can definitely understand how hard it is to get ready and prepare your heart for mass when all you feel is complete misery! I also know just how sad it feels to cry throughout mass! All I know is that I was not the first person to cry through mass and I will not be the last! I am so sorry you had to feel so many sad emotions! God can handle all the questions you wish to ask him, all the anger you can throw his way, and all the tears you can cry! Although there are no answers coming your way at this time, I believe that God will reveal to you just why these days have turned out as they have so far. I am not saying all of this because I fully have a handle on this, I am just having the desire to encourage you! I know that in the next week or so, I will be anticipating this cycle to end and I am still hopeful that this could be a new beginning for me. But I am having all of my same symptoms that typically surface a few days before my cycle ends and a new one begins! Keep the faith that God has all of your tomorrows in His hands!
Sew Infertile - I am not currently going through PPVI. After my endo surgery, I changed to a doctor near me. He is still an absolutely amazing doctor though, because you can't go back to a normal one after PPVI! Are there any NaPro doctors near her?
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry you are feeling this way. It is a tough journey.. You will have your ups and downs for sure... It's been many years your us and it doesn't get easier.. My faith has been tested during these times but don't ever give up on God... I know you won't but he is there.. he sees your pain.
ReplyDeleteKami