Frustrated

This is the part of the month where I get angry.

The cycle isn't over yet, and I'm having few symptoms that it is coming to an end, but I just know in my heart it is.

So, the anger started yesterday. I attempted with all my might to fight off anger at God as I got ready for Mass. I cried in church. I went numb around pregnant women. Later in the day, I grew disgusted as I heard stories of horrible parents someone told me and came to the conclusion that as much as children are God's creation, our free will is to blame for screwing up. I know that might sound obvious, but it's easy to believe God saw those bad parents as more suitable parents than me, as horrible as they are. That just can't possibly be the case.

Still, I feel like my life is out of control, that I can't understand why God would allow this to happen to me.

Speaking of things God is allowing to happen to me, I have had spotting yesterday and today. BIG step backwards. I'm devastated. So not only do I of course not have a chance at a pregnancy, but I can't even simply get an improved cycle. It feels like a huge slap in the face. I lower my standards and my hopes, and they even get squashed.

Of course I want to know if something is wrong so it can be treated, but I just hoped that nothing more was wrong! I just desperately hoped the spotting would go away as my cycles improved, which it had the last two months. I feel like I've been kicked when I was down.

So I'm still trying not to be angry with God. Not because I don't blame him or because I have come to terms with him not answering my prayer. No, I am trying to not be angry because I understand that we shouldn't be. I know it's not right and isn't productive. That's all I can give for now. Hopefully I'll believe the not blaming him part later.

Yesterday I filled my time with projects to get my mind off of things. First, I made some topiaries because I've always wanted to and last night was as good a time as any:


I was happy with them, and kind of surprised that not only did I quickly found all the pieces at Michael's (despite the millions of Christmas decoration shoppers I had to push through), but that they only took about ten minutes to make.

Then I made this:


It cost only $10 to make, although I broke a $2.99 hot glue gun in the process. I love having an Advent wreath and we'll be able to use this one year after year.

So at least I felt productive yesterday in some way. I may not be able to produce a child, but I can produce all the arts and crafts projects I want! That's a fair trade-off, right?

Artwork

Jeremiah 29:11 asked about the paintings I have around my house, so I decided to post some pictures here. I haven't talked too much about painting on here, probably because I haven't really done it in two years! I am a total temperamental artist and I can go for very long periods of time without doing it. I don't doubt that this current dry spell probably has something to do with infertility, now that I think about it. 

So I just went around my house and took these pictures, and I realized that I don't have a lot here. My parents' house probably has the marjority in one spot. I used to have pictures of all that I've sold, but they're all on a computer hard drive in our attic. I guess I should probably get those off of there before they're lost forever!

Here's what I have:

This was our wedding painting, which means that a detail of one of the flowers was on our save-the-date and the invitations, and prints of this painting were given away as favors to all the women.


This is a print of a painting (notice the reflection throughout - that bright spot in the sky is neither the sun nor a UFO, but actually a light in my kitchen. You can also see me taking the picture if you look closely). The original is hanging in my father's office. And it's actually a painting of the building my father's office is located in (his is the door and windows on the far right side, first floor). 


I did this painting really quickly one day to decorate my kitchen.


This painting - of my great-grandmother on her wedding day, I believe - is actually one of my first, from high school. It matches our bedroom now, so up it went (I look at it every day and think about how the proportion is wrong).


I did this painting the night before my wisdom teeth were removed because I was panicking and needed something to concentrate on! I probably should have painted something before my two endometriosis surgeries!



I was looking for something to paint one day, and the famous painting that this is a replica of was actually printed on the wrapping that the canvas came in, so I just copied it. I guess I'm pretty lazy when it comes to ideas!

Speaking of that, I should point out that I can ONLY paint from photographs, or other paintings. It's a curse and a blessing. Everyone tries to convince me I could probably paint out of my head if I tried, but my mind just doesn't work that way. I HAVE to be looking at something. Here's another example of that:



This one is actually a detail of one of my favorite paintings, On The Beach, by Winslow Homer (and it's a little banged up, I just noticed). The original is hanging in an art museum just a few miles from where I grew up (if you click on the link, you can see how the part I used for my painting is actually in the lower left corner of the original). 


Well, I guess this has inspired me to get going on painting. Hopefully I'll post some pictures of new paintings in the near future!

Happy Thanksgiving...and photos of my low G.I. meal are also coming soon!