Here are the thoughts on replay in my brain:
1. I'm not going to get pregnant this month, or the next, or the next. I may never get pregnant.
2. Nothing ever goes right for me/us. Why can't we just have something little to be excited about?
3. I am afraid something else is wrong with me that we don't know about yet. So far 50 million separate things have caused me to be infertile (endometriosis, PCOS, high prolactin, thyroid issues, you name it), so the odds are there is more that we have yet to discover.
4. #3 leads me to feel sorry for myself. Why can't I just have ONE thing wrong? Wouldn't that be enough????
5. I want to be happy for Christmas.
6. It's way too early in my cycle to be depressed. Usually that doesn't really set in until the fourth week or so.
7. But I have every reason to be depressed every single second of every day. Sadness is my default emotion, and when I'm happy I wonder what is going on with my hormones!
8. I know I already said it but I REALLY need something to go our way.
9. My husband did not get laid off. I guess that could be viewed as something that went our way, but the fact that we even had to (have to) worry about that at all is depressing.
10. I'm fine, I really am. I just needed to vent. I just want things to change. I want this dark cloud over my life to lift. I want to be happy all the time, with moments of sadness when they are warranted, not the other way around.
I know God is with us, and I know I will live no matter what happens. I'm sorry for feeling sorry for myself and complaining. I know I am blessed in many ways. I'm trying to remember that.
Thursday, December 18, 2008
Annoyed
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I hate that you are having a sad day. I know how you feel about not understanding why you are depressed at this point in the cycle, I feel like I am getting to know a whole new person who is living inside of me since my surgery. Please do not mind my terrible grammar. Today, ironically, is one of my better days and I wanted to go out to eat with my husband to celebrate just being happy and feeling great again, but (get this) he just wanted to cook dinner at home. Now we are home, the house smells great, but I am just not as happy as I was when I proposed the night out. Oh well, maybe life will balance itself out very soon. Here's to you have a great evening! By the way, I have great hope that you will one day find yourself pregnant. I really think your body is just adjusting to all the big changes that has been going on lately. I actually have more hope for you than for myself at this moment. I feel like everyone else has a better chance to conceive than I do, but I have a remedy for that. I will be re-reading the stories in "Women Healed". I truly believe that God is in charge of all my tomorrows and I know that he wants me to mother a child and I can't wait to meet my child one day. I know you will meet yours one day soon, too:)
ReplyDeletei feel the exact same way.
ReplyDeletei just found out that two friends are pregnant -- one who is not even nice to her partner and who wasn't actively trying.
i want to be happy for christmas too, but the closer it gets the sadder i feel.
I'm sorry it's a sad day for you. If it's any consulation, it's a sad day for me too. Yeah, probably not a consulation - but at least you know you're not the only one that feels that way. (hugs). Just think of how much your cycles have improved - that is definitely a blessing! :)
ReplyDeleteI also found out that another friend is pregnant and a few (yes, a few) just had their babies - the second for a couple of them. Sigh...it's depressing sometimes. We'll all get through this if we stick together. (hugs)
:(
ReplyDeletePraying for you both.
Here we go again on being on the same wavelength.
ReplyDeleteI am too depressed to even post about my sad night:(
Maybe we can talk about it on the phone, though sometime. Or maybe it wouldn't be a good idea since I'd make you even more sad probably with my sadness.
We are so on the same wavelength. Oh gosh I just realized I sad that twice! my mind is in a fog.
PS - I am posting from P's computer. It is nice to be be back on the blogs.
I am so sorry you are feeling down! I had the same thought tonight driving home from seeing CrMS clients. When will be get to enjoy life?? How awful is that? We, too, have so much to be thankful for but it is so easy for the sadness and lies to creep in. I am going to try to get to adoration this weekend and put my efforts into buying gifts for others. I also had another thought...what if I put my effort of pursuing IF treatments, etc into pursuing Christ? It probably would be more rewarding. Prayers for you!
ReplyDeleteSad days must be going around today. Is it something in the air??
ReplyDelete#3 plays CONSTANTLY in my head. I mean, seriously, how in our short # of years on this earth, have our bodies managed to get THAT f'd up??
ReplyDeleteBut the good news to #3 is that we ARE finding these things. I know I'm like a broken record, but if it weren't for NaPro, where would we be? Even more desperate. Even more helpless and hopeless. And even more angry and annoyed.
We all get days of feeling just downright horrible. Like John Edward says, it's ok to visit those places, but don't live in them :)
Sometimes I feel like sadness is my default, too. I'm pretty sure that when I'm feeling happy it's because I'm in denial that we are actually infertile. We've been trying for a while, but it's just been hard for us to really admit it and take action. That, and my doctor wanted to wait for another 6 months.
ReplyDelete*sigh*
We're all here with you.
"For I know well the plans I have in mind for you, says the LORD, plans for your good, not for harm! Plans to give you a future full of HOPE." -Jer 29:11
ReplyDeleteYou sound just like I did last night. Exact words to the T. I hope that this pain will lift from your heart and you can experience happiness in your life. I am so sorry you are suffering. God is with you and will take care of you. Thinking of you.
ReplyDeleteKami
I came across your blog and really enjoy reading it.
ReplyDeleteI think its ok to be sad/angry/annoyed, especially when dealing with the pain and frustration of TTC. Its from those emotions that we have a chance to strengthen ourselves and our faith. So I hope that you continue to find that strenthg. I will keep you in my prayers.
James 1:12
Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him
I'm so sorry you're having a bad day. With the holidays I think it just makes it extra hard to stay positive as is evidenced by all the comments of people feeling the same way.
ReplyDeleteAnd then add on the fact that we feel guilty for even having another bad day and it just gets worse and worse.
Just know you are loved and you are NOT alone. We will see happier days eventually. We just have to survive until then!
Thank you for posting your honest feelings. If you were to post only positive message all of the time, I would think you were fake. We can all relate to your pain. Your words reflect what's in all of our minds and hearts.
ReplyDeleteI agree with you. I feel like when I am happy, I am just waiting for the next bomb to drop. I just hope it doesn't happen during Christmas. I want to feel the way I did as a child around Christmas.
...the gate is narrow and the way is hard, that leads to life."
ReplyDeleteSometimes it doesn't always seem that narrow when everyone around you pops babies out as if they are given freely.
I wish I could surrender to the fact that this trial is indeed what is best for me.
Never lose heart even though the road is narrow...When you figure out how to do that...Let me know! ;)