Today I feel like the weight of this is too much. The prospect of living the rest of my life in a world full of fertile people, kids, commercials with babies, pregnant stomachs, abortion.. it's just incomprehensible. Can't we all live together on an island somewhere, and take trips back to the "mainland" when we're having a good week?
I'm trying to convince myself that these feelings will pass. There will come a time when I can handle the heartache better. It just seems impossible when you're in the middle of it.
I'm angry with God. I'm angry that he made me to want to grow up to be a mother. How can a loving God not take pity on me and at least design me to not be the girl who always talked about having kids? I know he could do that if he wanted to. And here's a question for ya: I know people say that suffering comes from Satan, but if so, then why wouldn't God want to eliminate what Satan caused? If people say that God allows our suffering because it is "part of his plan for us" then does that mean he's working with Satan? Surely they aren't in cahoots. It just isn't making sense to me right now.
I just feel like I've heard of very few people who have been trying nearly four years who actually end up pregnant, especially who are over 30. I hate even typing that because it sounds like a bad statistic.
Sorry, I just needed to vent.
Saturday, June 28, 2008
Tired
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
I got pregnant with my son at 31y/o after trying for over 4 yrs. PCOS is my dx also. So there is hope. :) Now for the suffering. I am a firm believer that suffering brings you closer to God. My son was very ill at birth and required a 3 month stay in the NICU. The suffering we as a family endured during that time is impossible to describe. He was born a few days before Ash Wednesday. I decided that a daily Rosary would be great for Lent. I had never been big on praying the Rosary before and that was the perfect prayer at the time. I also had many long conversations with God during that time. I know my strong Catholic faith got me through that time in our life. I still don't know the full reason of that event in our life, but I do know that it showed me yet again that I can't do this alone. The why me still rears it's ugly head more often that I like. But you just have to persevere. Sorry so long and hope it helps.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry honey! I wish I could say something to make you feel better, or at least help you understand better. Unfortunately, I don't understand the role of suffering. =( I'm thinking of you and praying for you.
ReplyDeleteMajor hugs! Over 5 years and no baby. It is very hard. Harder sometimes more than others. You aren't alone.
ReplyDeleteHUGS!
I understand your pain. I have been in great despair over the last week. I have endometriosis and have been seeing a local doctor (not associated with PPVI..which I realize now was a big mistake). My husband was tested and found to have a slightly abnormal specimen. We were basically told flat out that IVF is our best chance or insemination. That was it. The doctor just told us this and started rattling off the cost. This has caused great pain for me and my husband, as my husband does not see how insemination is wrong. I have never felt so alone and so desperate in my faith. How can God ask me to choose between Him and my husband?!? I have been praying, but have had some seriously dark moments in my faith over the last week. In one of your earlier posts you mentioned that a priest told you that you were blessed not to be tempted by IVF or insemination...he was right. It is hard enough to deal with infertility issues, but then to have to struggle with my husband on what to do, is a whole other type of suffering. We have only been married one year. I have had 2 laparoscopies to clean up the endo by my original doctor, and now I am going to start to learn the Creighton model and submit my records to Dr Hilgers. I just don't understand how this whole process works long distance(I live in Wisconsin.) God has heard some of my cries for help, as my husband and I met with a priest yesterday, went to confession and then to Mass. We are trying to say a decade of the rosary each night (my husband has never said the rosary.) My husband is open to trying the Pope Paul VI, but he is slightly skepitcal as it requires us to wait and trust...it is so hard. At times, I feel like this suffering is so painful, I physically feel the pain in my heart. I try to believe that God is helping to bring my husband closer to Him through this, and so I try to offer this suffering as a sacrafice. I just wish I could know there was a positive outcome. Please pray for me, and I will continue to pray for you. I read your blog often, as I find comfort in knowing others struggle with the same problems and contemplations about faith. God bless you.
ReplyDelete:( I am so sorry you're having these painfully sad days.
ReplyDeleteJust for stats purposes, I know a handful of people on the BabyZone boards, where I post as a member of the message boards, who tried for over 3 1/2 or 4 yrs and conceived naturally. Some went on to have healthy children, some unfortunately miscarried. (None, however, were NaPro patients, and as you know we are already at a lesser risk for m/c because our charts are being monitored so closely.)
But I still think of these stats when I start to get upset. It CAN and DOES happen. NaPro takes time, patience, and love. Love for the future CHILDREN that will result, whether biological or adopted. It may not be the quickest fix, but trust me, I know that God will reward us for going this route.
You once told me not to envy ppl who have children that "aren't mine." You want your children, right? Well God is leading you to them, and them to you. He is allowing your suffering because he deems you worthy to help His Son carry His cross. And Jesus in return is supporting you in carrying yours.
In a book I bought from EWTN about Suffering, it makes an analogy between God's love for us and the Velveteen Rabbit. Remember how used and worn and beaten the rabbit appeared? Why? Because it was so immensely loved. This is how much God loves you. He is not just standing by and watching you suffer, but rather carrying you through it (think of that beautiful Footprints poem).
I hope that helps you in some way. I'm off to Mass, and hopefully there will be some more insight in today's homily for us both :) Big hugs!
I would highly suggest you read A Grief Observed by CS Lewis. It's not about infertility. He wrote it after his wife died of cancer. It asks a lot of those "Why?" questions, I found comfort not only in his conclusions, but in the fact that Lewis, a man much greater in faith and intellect than I, asked those questions. That gave me a lot of freedom to explore those same questions myself. It has come to be a really life changing book for me, both in terms of infertility and of my overall picture of God. It's a short read, but I think it might encourage you.
ReplyDeleteMy heart goes out to you. I think I know how you feel.
ReplyDeleteI have the deep desire in my heart to be a Mommy too, but it doesn't seem that it is going to happen naturally. I am almost 42 (8/2) and in February when I had surgery to remove two cysts on my ovaries, I was told I had severe endometriosis. I was basically told that I should see a high risk fertility specialist.
Still though, I refused to believe that we wouldn't be able to get pregnant on our own. I took vitamins, drank green tea, did a lot of the recommendations, stood on my head to increase blood circulation, charted using the Creighton Model, and I know when my fertile days are, but still I haven't been able to get pregnant once. We just celebrated our 1st wedding anniversary and we have been trying now for a year without any success.
My poor husband. I'm a wreck when every month my period comes despite all the effort. It has always been regular and always comes. And when it comes I start crying. It didn't help last weekend when a cousin came up to me to announce the "wonderful news" that her daughter is now pregnant. I wanted to be happy for her, but really I felt like crying. And a couple of hours later when the period came, I did cry.
I am working with the Pope Paul Institute. Soon I will be sending my chart off to them with a letter. I am also trying to find a Catholic pro-life doctor in my area.
Most of all, I am trying to keep a strong faith and trust in God and keep praying. It's not easy though. It's a daily struggle.
What really helps me though is praying the rosary every day and offering up my pain and suffering of the endometriosis and infertility to Jesus in reparation for sin and the conversation of sinners.
Still though, there are moments when I get very sad and cry.
Hugs to you all! You are all in my thoughts and prayers!
P.S. Would anybody like a St. Gianna prayer card? This wonderful saint has helped many women be able to concieve. I am planning on mailing out the cards this week. Email me with your address if you would like a card, ok?
prayrosary4life@aol.com
May God Bless you.
Love,
Maria
oh... love, I'm glad you shared all of this.. know that i'm keeiping you in prayer in a special way.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry that you are going through this, it sucks completely. I've also been ttc for 4 years, and these horrible, bad days come and go, but they feel like they will stay forever when they come. I hope (and pray!) that you are able to conceive healthy children, and that God gives you the strength to endure these times.
ReplyDeleteI also want to thank you SOOO much for your blog. You have helped me tremendously, it is an enormous blessing to me. Before I found your blog, I felt all alone. I didn't have other infertile women to talk with, much less Catholic infertile women. Thank you again for all you do, you truly help me keep hoping, even on those hard days.
Let me type you a little bit of encouragement! My very close friend got married and didn't get pg for 3 years until she had her 1st endo surgery. Then the 2nd did not arrive for 4 years b/c of the endo difficulties. Then she had a 3rd but after that one could not get pg again b/c on one side, her tube became unblockable...no matter what the doc did it didn't clear...then the other sides ovary was dead from all the endo stuff. She was told 3 was probably going to be it for her .....til....she got pg over 40 with the 4th that was just born in Feb of this year! The doc was very surprised she became pg at all! Over 40 too! Hope this brightens your day! God Bless, Lyn Vaccaro
ReplyDelete