More on my story.. and thoughts on infertility

I had a bit of a breakdown today. It had to do with what my chances of conceiving will be after my laparatomy. Dr. Hilgers told us in August that it will be 50-60%, and for some reason I decided to break down about that today. In my mind, that is immediately translated to a 40-50% chance of not conceiving. I know I should be happy my chances of conceiving will be better than not conceiving. I'll try to think about it like that.

On another topic (sort of), I'll write a little more about myself. I am 30, currently unemployed and not sure what I want to do with my life (well, I want to be a stay-at-home mom, but we know how that's going). I grew up in Upstate New York, where I lived until this September. That's where I met my husband, when we worked together in t.v. news. I have since left television, but he still works in it, which is what brought us to Virginia, where we now live. I am not working due, in part, to my upcoming surgery at the Pope Paul VI Institute. Since we just moved here a couple months ago, we figured it'd be nuts to start a job only to take 6 weeks off right away. While I am doing a lot of relaxing, baking and playing with my dog, I am also using the time to work on a documentary I'm producing about the Catholic devotion of Perpetual Adoration. There was a Perpetual Adoration chapel where we used to live, where I was an adorer, and I think the fact that people are there 24 hours a day, 365 days a year is just amazing. I'm sure I'll write more about it in the future. The only other important things about me that I can think of are that I am an artist and staunchly pro-life.

Besides of all that, the best way to describe myself is that I am absolutely consumed by infertility. It's practically all I think about and it has dictated the last three years and two months of my life. I am perpetually sad and I wonder how I'll be able to live if it comes to the point where we have exhausted all of our medical options and I'm still not pregnant. Luckily, we're not there yet, but being a pessimist I am already distraught about that possibility. I try to put my faith in God, but that hasn't been going too well! I often feel like I have no hope and I find myself angry at God, which then makes me feel really guilty. It's just that I sometimes feel like God isn't helping me, like He has promised. To that, you could say, 'well you haven't completely trusted in Him!' And you'd be right. It's just that I know that bad things still happen to faithful Christians. There's a very good chance (or, more specifically, a 40-50% chance) that I will trust God and still never conceive a child. So how will I go on with my life? My husband says that if that were to happen, God will take care of me and I will still have joy in my life. Trusting in God doesn't mean that I trust he'll allow me to get pregnant, but rather trusting that He knows what is best for me. But right now I wholeheartedly believe that if I never conceive, I will never have joy in my life; I may have moments of happiness, but not joy. I guess believing what I have deemed impossible (whether that means conceiving a child or having joy without children) is what having faith is all about.