I am once again considering starting the adoption process. I've gone through periods like this before where I was open to the idea, but usually it doesn't last long and I go back to thinking of it as a consolation prize. We've done our research - seminars for both domestic and international, a teleconference for Ethiopia, joined an online discussion group about Haiti, extensively researched homestudy caseworkers, etc., etc. I just can't seem to get past the fact that the baby won't be our biological child. I can't fathom how I will be just as content as if I gave birth to it (not that this a great analogy, but I try to think about our dog. I LOVE our dog as if I gave birth to her. Seriously. So obviously that means I will be able to love an adopted child. I don't mean that analogy to be offensive, comparing a child to a dog, but it's all I have). I also can't imagine adopting and not being despressed about infertility, and I don't think it would be fair to the adopted baby. The prospect of never having a biological child is currently too much for me to bare. I don't know how I will live if that happens. So how can I be a good parent to an adopted child? Everyone always says you should want to adopt, that it shouldn't be a last resort. So do I need to be okay with infertility to adopt? I don't think I'll ever be okay with it, but there's no way I'm not having kids somehow.
So I think tomorrow we're going to call Catholic Charities, just for information since we just moved to a new state. The other issue is if we do decide to do it, do we wait until we're back from my surgery to start the process? Do we wait until months later, after I find out if the surgery worked? If so, how long is that? I could have the surgery and it could still take years to get pregnant (I assume). I'm almost 31. How long do we keep waiting?
Last week I had a hard time and was really depressed for a few days, crying every day, just hysterical. That's when I decided that if I adopt that I will refuse to have a baby shower, because it's not really my baby and that would be stupid. I know that's silly, but in the moment I believed it. Later I realized among other things it would be a rotten thing to do to the child. What if they ever asked if there was a baby shower? Personally I've never asked my mother about hers, but it's just the thought of it.
Maybe I'm not ready to seriously consider adoption, but then I feel like that's not fair either. Why can't I just be okay with adoption? I can't have biological children and I'm not ready to adopt. Ahhh! It's not fair! I've been praying that God will open my heart to adoption and he hasn't yet. Another unanswered prayer. Why would God not want us to be parents?
Actually, today was a good day. Teared up tonight thinking about adoption but that was really it.