My first full day of having hope is going surprisingly well. I really have a new outlook. What's getting me through is that I feel confident that soon I will have one of two things:
1) a biological child, or
2) an adopted child, and peace of mind
The peace part was the missing link all along. I still have a hard time believing I will be fulfilled by adopting, so in order for me to start having hope I must trust that if God does not intend for us to have a biological child that He will give me peace with that. I used to think about the two options above (minus the peace part) and it did me no good. But simply by believing God will give me peace, I find myself having hope. Not sure if that makes sense, but it's working.
I am kind of tenative about this, though, because I go through phases quite often and today could just be a good day. I need to remember that at some point I will get depressed again. It might be tomorrow, it might be next month. If I accept that it will happen I will be able to handle it and not allow it to send me into a downward spiral.
So tonight I thank God for this grace, no matter how long it lasts. And I look forward to having a child either way!