I have a problem with my mind being very unorganized. It's like if I don't stop and think things through, then all my negative thoughts are just floating around in my head, making me go nuts.
For example, I've been very stressed about infertility lately, specifically that things are moving slowly, that we seem to be back to square one after getting rid of the endometriosis, that I'm not ovulating, and that I'll never have children. So I decided that enough was enough, and I needed to organize my thoughts and deal with this. So this is what I came up with...
1) I decided to forget about endometriosis. It's gone (hopefully for good) and it obviously wasn't our only hurdle. I need to remove it from my mind and move on.
2) I'm not ovulating. If I find out this theory is incorrect, then wonderful. But right now all evidence suggests that I don't ovulate and maybe haven't in quite some time.
3) There are treatments to help me ovulate. There are worse problems to have, and from everything I've read, there are several reasons I may not be ovulating and there are also several treatments to attempt to get me to ovulate. My high prolactin levels could be causing me to not ovulate and if that is the sole problem, then I could begin ovulating in the next couple months (when the medication starts to work).
This may all seem very obvious, but because of the way my mind works, I really needed to sort it out. I work better when there are just one or two problems to focus on. Lately it has seemed like the cause of my infertility is just so up in the air and that made me feel very out of control, causing me to become stressed.
So here's another list.. This is what I am going to be doing to be pro-active about my infertility in the next couple months:
1) I am taking medication for my high prolactin.
2) I am learning how to chart excess mucus so I can get a peak+7 blood draw this month.
3) I WILL get a peak+7 blood draw this month.
4) I will get an ultrasound series in May.
Those are all good things that will give us very helpful information. I feel better already! And if I want to be hopeful, then I can think about the fact that there's a chance that my high prolactin level may be my only problem, and once my medication lowers my prolactin, that I could get pregnant. You never know! Yes, there may be more going on there, but high prolactin definitely causes women not to ovulate (at least according to the trusty internet).
PPVI called me back on Friday (as I'm showering of course, and I took the call since it probably would have been Monday before they called me back again) and said the spotting was likely due to low progesterone. The nurse said it is possible to have such a problem during one cycle and not the next (which I wanted to know since I've never had that happen before). She also said that before I can get a hormone series done, that I need to do the peak+7 draw. Oh.. and my pregnancy test was negative. Shocker.
I've also been in a lot of pain since this cycle began, which has never really happened before (endometriosis pain use to be the day before my period, not once it began). I was in so much pain at the grocery store the other day that I had to stop and rest. I'm going on the assumption that it is due to my surgery and perhaps things are still healing, but it's really getting on my nerves.
It's a good day today because it's opening day for the New York Mets! Woo hoo! It's also a good day because I worked on my documentary, which I had been putting off a little bit. And, for whatever reason (probably hormones), I feel a little more hopeful today. Well, maybe not hopeful but just relaxed about infertility. I've also been warming up to the idea of adoption a little. We'll see.
Monday, March 31, 2008
Friday, March 28, 2008
To start or not to start
Last night there was an adoption orientation meeting at the agency that we are most likely going to use. They hold them once a month on Thursday nights, but since my husband works nights we'll never be able to attend it together. I've been to meetings like this alone before, but I just really wanted him to be there. So today he emailed to see if we could come in during the day and they immediately responded that we can come next Thursday. We were excited and glad they responded so quickly.
Then... tonight I decided to check an email account that we rarely use. We actually set it up as a joke, because we saw that so many couples had joint emails that combined their names (no offense if you do, it's just that we each separately have so many accounts that it was funny to think that we'd have just one together). So apparently (and for some unknown reason) we put that email on our adoption application to Catholic Charities (the agency that friends of ours have been on the waiting list at for a year and a half), because there was an email from them in the inbox. It said they were starting the homestudy process for couples open to adopting an african american or bi-racial baby, and since we had put on our application that we were interested in that, they wanted to know if we would like to start the homestudy process. And the date of the email?? FEBRUARY 13th!
I emailed them back, even though we aren't completely sure they're the agency we want to use, asking if it was too late. I just keep wondering, what does this mean? Were we not supposed to see that email when it was first mailed? And if so, is that because we're not supposed to use them? Is our child waiting for us with the other agency? Then I wonder, maybe I'm looking too far into this. I'm just so stuck on the idea that God has a plan for us, and I know He does, but am I too hyper-focused on it when it comes to adoption?
So we'll wait to hear back from Catholic Charities, and we'll look forward to meeting with the other on Thursday. I'm still not sure about all of this, but I just want children so badly. Is that wrong? Is there a point at which I'll know I'm officially ready to adopt, and perhaps I'm not there yet? It's not like we haven't thought about it a lot. I've wanted to adopt since I was a child. And since all this started with infertility, we've attended four adoption seminars, seriously considered a fifth program, and that doesn't even count the two agencies here in Virginia. But instead of showing how much thought we've given it, perhaps the fact that we've looked into so many agencies shows we're not sure about it. Even as I write this, I don't feel like adoption is really ahead of us, but then again, that is probably a normal feeling even if it is meant to be. I just believe that God knows who our first child will be, and I don't want to do anything that is not part of His plan. I don't know. My heart tells me to attend the meeting next Thursday, and to keep praying about it. I just pray that God shows me what to do.
Then... tonight I decided to check an email account that we rarely use. We actually set it up as a joke, because we saw that so many couples had joint emails that combined their names (no offense if you do, it's just that we each separately have so many accounts that it was funny to think that we'd have just one together). So apparently (and for some unknown reason) we put that email on our adoption application to Catholic Charities (the agency that friends of ours have been on the waiting list at for a year and a half), because there was an email from them in the inbox. It said they were starting the homestudy process for couples open to adopting an african american or bi-racial baby, and since we had put on our application that we were interested in that, they wanted to know if we would like to start the homestudy process. And the date of the email?? FEBRUARY 13th!
I emailed them back, even though we aren't completely sure they're the agency we want to use, asking if it was too late. I just keep wondering, what does this mean? Were we not supposed to see that email when it was first mailed? And if so, is that because we're not supposed to use them? Is our child waiting for us with the other agency? Then I wonder, maybe I'm looking too far into this. I'm just so stuck on the idea that God has a plan for us, and I know He does, but am I too hyper-focused on it when it comes to adoption?
So we'll wait to hear back from Catholic Charities, and we'll look forward to meeting with the other on Thursday. I'm still not sure about all of this, but I just want children so badly. Is that wrong? Is there a point at which I'll know I'm officially ready to adopt, and perhaps I'm not there yet? It's not like we haven't thought about it a lot. I've wanted to adopt since I was a child. And since all this started with infertility, we've attended four adoption seminars, seriously considered a fifth program, and that doesn't even count the two agencies here in Virginia. But instead of showing how much thought we've given it, perhaps the fact that we've looked into so many agencies shows we're not sure about it. Even as I write this, I don't feel like adoption is really ahead of us, but then again, that is probably a normal feeling even if it is meant to be. I just believe that God knows who our first child will be, and I don't want to do anything that is not part of His plan. I don't know. My heart tells me to attend the meeting next Thursday, and to keep praying about it. I just pray that God shows me what to do.
Thursday, March 27, 2008
Reflections on Lent
I apologize that for the last week or so my posts have been consumed with detailed information about my cycle (not that people normally come here to read insightful, thought-provoking posts or anything). The end of Lent passed by, Easter came and went, and all I could think about was spotting.
On Easter Sundays past, I typically indulged in whatever food item I gave up for Lent (usually chocolate). This year, though, Easter didn't mark the end of a fast because I gave up impatience or, you could say, I worked on having patience. I'm not sure how I did and, actually, I should re-read some of my Lenten posts to see if they sound impatient. When Lent first began I looked up the definition of patience, just to be sure what I was attempting. I guess in the past I had thought of patience more as something to do purely with time. I thought maybe I would simply have to find a way to not focus on the future so much. To my surprise, the definition actually said something to the effect of "to suffer without complaint" or "to bear trials calmly." How fitting! That was exactly what I was in need of. And what could be more Christ-like than suffering without complaint? Christ was patient. He was patient in the garden of Gethsemane, he was patient while he carried the cross, he was patient as he was crucified. I hadn't really thought about patience in this way before, as something to imitate from Christ (and, to be honest, I didn't think of it until Lent was already over).
Patience is perhaps what I need more than anything else during this difficult journey through infertility. I complain a lot. I cry out in anger to God almost every day. I do not bear my suffering well, to say the least. I would absolutely love to reach a point where I can accept my suffering (because as long as I am infertile I think I will be suffering on some level) and keep it neatly wrapped up inside. I don't mean that I want to internalize it and blow up someday, but I think there's something to be said for not complaining and bearing that trial calmly. I need to suffer like Christ suffered, and be patient like he was patient. I can have a dialogue with God about it, but I should not be angry with Him. Christ prayed, “My Father, if it is possible, let this cup pass from Me; yet not as I will, but as You will.” He didn't add on "... as long as what you will is for this cup to pass from me!"
Infertility is cruel. We all suffer and it's hard to suffer without complaining (we are human, after all). So how do I have patience? I'm still not quite sure. I guess when it comes to a practical application I just need to pray each time I feel like complaining. That's the only way I can try to do this. I need to try to imagine Christ and how he suffered, and model my actions after his. So simple, yet so difficult!
On Easter Sundays past, I typically indulged in whatever food item I gave up for Lent (usually chocolate). This year, though, Easter didn't mark the end of a fast because I gave up impatience or, you could say, I worked on having patience. I'm not sure how I did and, actually, I should re-read some of my Lenten posts to see if they sound impatient. When Lent first began I looked up the definition of patience, just to be sure what I was attempting. I guess in the past I had thought of patience more as something to do purely with time. I thought maybe I would simply have to find a way to not focus on the future so much. To my surprise, the definition actually said something to the effect of "to suffer without complaint" or "to bear trials calmly." How fitting! That was exactly what I was in need of. And what could be more Christ-like than suffering without complaint? Christ was patient. He was patient in the garden of Gethsemane, he was patient while he carried the cross, he was patient as he was crucified. I hadn't really thought about patience in this way before, as something to imitate from Christ (and, to be honest, I didn't think of it until Lent was already over).
Patience is perhaps what I need more than anything else during this difficult journey through infertility. I complain a lot. I cry out in anger to God almost every day. I do not bear my suffering well, to say the least. I would absolutely love to reach a point where I can accept my suffering (because as long as I am infertile I think I will be suffering on some level) and keep it neatly wrapped up inside. I don't mean that I want to internalize it and blow up someday, but I think there's something to be said for not complaining and bearing that trial calmly. I need to suffer like Christ suffered, and be patient like he was patient. I can have a dialogue with God about it, but I should not be angry with Him. Christ prayed, “My Father, if it is possible, let this cup pass from Me; yet not as I will, but as You will.” He didn't add on "... as long as what you will is for this cup to pass from me!"
Infertility is cruel. We all suffer and it's hard to suffer without complaining (we are human, after all). So how do I have patience? I'm still not quite sure. I guess when it comes to a practical application I just need to pray each time I feel like complaining. That's the only way I can try to do this. I need to try to imagine Christ and how he suffered, and model my actions after his. So simple, yet so difficult!
New cycle
Well the long saga is over - I finally started a new cycle today. And let me just say that my body apparently wanted me to make no mistake about it this time.
I still haven't gotten the results from PPVI yet, even though it is a mute point now. I guess they still need to call me back, though, for my instructions for this cycle. They kind of talked to me about that the other day, but they still wanted to rule out pregnancy at that point. They'll probably say just to continue on the same way and to get the u/s, which I will definitely have to put off until May due to our upcoming vacation.
I guess I'm okay with this today, probably because it has been so drawn out this past week and I knew it was coming. Right now all I can think about is that I just really want to find out what's wrong. And I'm just so nervous that I'll end up being diagnosed with LUF and there will be nothing we can do about it. I wish I ovulated!! Please God, let me ovulate!
I still haven't gotten the results from PPVI yet, even though it is a mute point now. I guess they still need to call me back, though, for my instructions for this cycle. They kind of talked to me about that the other day, but they still wanted to rule out pregnancy at that point. They'll probably say just to continue on the same way and to get the u/s, which I will definitely have to put off until May due to our upcoming vacation.
I guess I'm okay with this today, probably because it has been so drawn out this past week and I knew it was coming. Right now all I can think about is that I just really want to find out what's wrong. And I'm just so nervous that I'll end up being diagnosed with LUF and there will be nothing we can do about it. I wish I ovulated!! Please God, let me ovulate!
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
No results today
I STILL haven't gotten my test result from PPVI yet. So this keeps dragging out. I need to be put out of my misery and begin to focus on a new cycle!
But my heart stopped for a moment this morning when I got a call from the local lab I used yesterday. The woman told me I needed to come in and get a second blood draw. Well, the only reason PPVI needed a second vial of blood was if the pregnancy test was positive, so they could do more testing. The two vials were supposed to be drawn at the same time, but the lab technician didn't realize this. So in my mind I immediately came up with this scenario: they called or faxed PPVI with the results this morning (or PPVI received the fax this morning since they were closed yesterday), it was positive, PPVI asked for the second vial, and that's when they realized they never got it. In my mind I'm thinking if the lab was going to realize on their own that they forgot, then they would have realized yesterday. Well, that wasn't the case. I called the lab back (just trying to see if they knew the results of the initial test) and they said they hadn't even run the first test yet! Ugh! So I told them the only reason PPVI needed two vials was because the nurse didn't want me to have to go back in and get pricked again, so this was defeating the purpose and I'd come back if the first test is positive. But for about five minutes I really thought there was a chance. (Sorry, that was probably a boring story with too much detail.)
So now I'm on day 33, still no new cycle, still no PMS symptoms, no spotting today, and some cramping.
It was a bad day today, though, because I had to get four fillings. I was a wreck, shaking uncontrollably the entire time, and I even had tears running down my face as the dentist was drilling. The poor hygienest had to wipe my eyes. It was embarrassing. I didn't feel any pain, thank God! And the good news is they x-rayed the recently filled tooth that is giving me pain and nothing showed up, so the dentist thinks the pain will go away (phew! I was NOT going to take having to get a root canal very well). I started to have major pain when the novacaine began to wear off this afternoon, so I've been taking motrin all day and it's been rough. I slept a couple hours just so I didn't have to be awake and be in pain.
Hopefully I'll have definitive news tomorrow. I really want to know what this spotting and cramping may mean, so hopefully I'll get up the nerve to ask the nurse.
But my heart stopped for a moment this morning when I got a call from the local lab I used yesterday. The woman told me I needed to come in and get a second blood draw. Well, the only reason PPVI needed a second vial of blood was if the pregnancy test was positive, so they could do more testing. The two vials were supposed to be drawn at the same time, but the lab technician didn't realize this. So in my mind I immediately came up with this scenario: they called or faxed PPVI with the results this morning (or PPVI received the fax this morning since they were closed yesterday), it was positive, PPVI asked for the second vial, and that's when they realized they never got it. In my mind I'm thinking if the lab was going to realize on their own that they forgot, then they would have realized yesterday. Well, that wasn't the case. I called the lab back (just trying to see if they knew the results of the initial test) and they said they hadn't even run the first test yet! Ugh! So I told them the only reason PPVI needed two vials was because the nurse didn't want me to have to go back in and get pricked again, so this was defeating the purpose and I'd come back if the first test is positive. But for about five minutes I really thought there was a chance. (Sorry, that was probably a boring story with too much detail.)
So now I'm on day 33, still no new cycle, still no PMS symptoms, no spotting today, and some cramping.
It was a bad day today, though, because I had to get four fillings. I was a wreck, shaking uncontrollably the entire time, and I even had tears running down my face as the dentist was drilling. The poor hygienest had to wipe my eyes. It was embarrassing. I didn't feel any pain, thank God! And the good news is they x-rayed the recently filled tooth that is giving me pain and nothing showed up, so the dentist thinks the pain will go away (phew! I was NOT going to take having to get a root canal very well). I started to have major pain when the novacaine began to wear off this afternoon, so I've been taking motrin all day and it's been rough. I slept a couple hours just so I didn't have to be awake and be in pain.
Hopefully I'll have definitive news tomorrow. I really want to know what this spotting and cramping may mean, so hopefully I'll get up the nerve to ask the nurse.
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
CD 32
Well I just took a home pregnancy test (at 8:30 p.m.) and it was negative. I know you're supposed to test in the morning, but once I bought it I just didn't feel like waiting. The test said you can test any time of day once you have missed your period, but I'm not sure that I have (how does someone with irregular cycles know if they've missed their period?). It's been 13 days since my positive OPK, but far less days since my last peak-type mucus day. I had my blood drawn this morning so PPVI will call me with the official results tomorrow. I just wanted to know ahead of getting that call. I'd rather see it myself than hear it from another human being. I might take another in the morning, just for fun (or to torture myself, I guess).
Whatever this is, it's making me feel like crap. I had more cramping today, low in the middle as well as on my left side. And I probably should mention I haven't gotten my period (or was that implied?) and haven't had spotting today. I also haven't had any PMS symptoms. For example, my breasts are always sore and they're not. So is my period not even close yet? And do these symptoms mean low progesterone? That's what PPVI will say. Can low progesterone cycles come and go? Or is this a new problem now for me?
I have to admit that thinking there was a possibility I was pregnant was fun while it lasted. And I don't feel let down, because I never really let myself think it was real. It was just hard not to think there was a chance when it's everyone's first thought when I tell them my symptoms (my Creighton teacher had the same reaction today). The funny part is that even though I spent the last five days in this state of possibly being pregnant and thinking about how maybe my body does work, there's no such thing as "almost pregnant." It's not like we magically found out through some kind of ultrasound that the egg was nearly fertilized but at the last minute it didn't take. No. I was just as not-pregnant this month as any month before. I probably didn't even ovulate. But, as I said, it was fun to pretend.
Whatever this is, it's making me feel like crap. I had more cramping today, low in the middle as well as on my left side. And I probably should mention I haven't gotten my period (or was that implied?) and haven't had spotting today. I also haven't had any PMS symptoms. For example, my breasts are always sore and they're not. So is my period not even close yet? And do these symptoms mean low progesterone? That's what PPVI will say. Can low progesterone cycles come and go? Or is this a new problem now for me?
I have to admit that thinking there was a possibility I was pregnant was fun while it lasted. And I don't feel let down, because I never really let myself think it was real. It was just hard not to think there was a chance when it's everyone's first thought when I tell them my symptoms (my Creighton teacher had the same reaction today). The funny part is that even though I spent the last five days in this state of possibly being pregnant and thinking about how maybe my body does work, there's no such thing as "almost pregnant." It's not like we magically found out through some kind of ultrasound that the egg was nearly fertilized but at the last minute it didn't take. No. I was just as not-pregnant this month as any month before. I probably didn't even ovulate. But, as I said, it was fun to pretend.
Monday, March 24, 2008
News from PPVI
Well the nurse from PPVI called back this evening and said Dr. Hilgers does want me to get a pregnancy blood test, so I will have that done in the morning. Not that it matters, but I won't know the results until Wednesday because they are closed tomorrow for the Feast of the Annunciation. I had more spotting this afternoon so I'm 99.9% sure I'm not pregnant. Actually I'm 200% sure I'm not pregnant now that I think about it (I even had an ice cream sundae today to "celebrate" my non-pregnancy). I'm physically incapable of becoming pregnant. I don't even release eggs.
Speaking of eggs, the good news is that Dr. Hilgers would like me to have an ultrasound series done (I guess it pays to ask!). The bad news is I don't think I can do it this month because we're supposed to go on vacation with my family right around the time I will likely be having an "ovulatory event." And since I have to drive six hours to New Jersey to have the series done, it's a big ordeal. That's fine though, I'll just do it in May. The only thing that will be disappointing about it is it will be a wasted month because my husband won't be able to go with me since he will be working. I guess it has to be done though. Luckily I have relatives that live about 30 minutes from the doctor, so hopefully I can stay with them. I just hope that we can time it right and that I can get there right before the follicle is set to release (not that it will release, but you know what I mean), otherwise who knows how long I'll have to be there. I really don't want to go by myself and leave my husband, but I just have to remember that it's for the greater good.
The other good news is they found the sheet with my temps on it! Yay!
Okay, I have to go watch Britney on HIMYM.
Speaking of eggs, the good news is that Dr. Hilgers would like me to have an ultrasound series done (I guess it pays to ask!). The bad news is I don't think I can do it this month because we're supposed to go on vacation with my family right around the time I will likely be having an "ovulatory event." And since I have to drive six hours to New Jersey to have the series done, it's a big ordeal. That's fine though, I'll just do it in May. The only thing that will be disappointing about it is it will be a wasted month because my husband won't be able to go with me since he will be working. I guess it has to be done though. Luckily I have relatives that live about 30 minutes from the doctor, so hopefully I can stay with them. I just hope that we can time it right and that I can get there right before the follicle is set to release (not that it will release, but you know what I mean), otherwise who knows how long I'll have to be there. I really don't want to go by myself and leave my husband, but I just have to remember that it's for the greater good.
The other good news is they found the sheet with my temps on it! Yay!
Okay, I have to go watch Britney on HIMYM.
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