The medical evaluation phase of my infertilty treatment has officially begun. Yesterday I had my first cycle review with PPVI, which was complicated because of my lack of progesterone and estradiol levels (due to no bloodwork). The nurse who I talked to on the phone was super nice and felt really bad about my problem with labs around here, so that made me feel a little better, although she offered no additional help on that front. She also reiterated what I already figured was good news - that I had a normal mucus phase this past cycle. After having Dr. Keefe review the information, she called me back and had some instructions for me. She said I need to start taking prenatal vitamins (which I've been told a million times but never take) and they are going to put me on something called parlodel for my high prolactin. I'm happy to start taking something (I feel like I'm the only one not on anything at all!) but I'm nervous because it has severe side effects like heart attack and stroke. I know lots of things do, but my aunt (a maternity nurse) told me they stopped giving the drug to new mothers (who don't want to breast feed) because of the risks. I know I shouldn't be nervous, but I'm good at it.
I feel very positive about starting this new phase. There is still so much left to try (not to mention if my problems were corrected with surgery then it's as if we've only been trying to conceive for one cycle now. That'd be like getting pregnant on the honeymoon!). But I really believe my hormones are part of my infertility puzzle and now I'm one step closer to righting what's wrong.
So we have almost finished painting our entire house. We are doing every room with the exception of one bedroom and the laundry room. It's definitely helping to keep my mind off of things. I can't wait to move in!
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
Sunday, February 24, 2008
Day Two *Update*
So yesterday was cycle day one for me. I handled it well. It's okay because I know God will take care of me. I'm not sure how, or what will happen but I know it will be okay eventually. That's a big improvement for me. I think not really having any hope of conceiving this past fall (after I found out how bad my endometriosis was) has helped me to not get too disappointed each month, even though I guess I have a good chance of conceiving now. (Notice I said "good" chance. That fact that I can admit that is an improvement!)
So tomorrow I have to call PPVI for a cycle review. I had a short cycle this time around - only 25 days (when I first started charting my cycles were 40+ days, but lately I've had some short ones, although this is the shortest). My peak day was somewhat normal for a change - day 17 - with about 10 days of mucus. Most importantly the mucus did not stop and start, it was pretty constant during that time. But... my luteal phase was only eight days. What does that mean? Here are the luteal phase lengths for my last eight cycles: 8, 3, 12, 9, 10, 8, 10 and 3 days. I read today that you need at least to days for implantation, so three of those cycles are long enough and five aren't. And I wonder what happened when it was only 3 days. And I wish I knew what my progesterone levels were. They were okay the last time they were tested - a year ago!! Ugh... I guess this is where my patience comes in again. I'll know exactly what's going on eventually. I just have to wait.
One thing that is definitely helping to take my mind off things is our new house. We've been painting for three days now and have about four more days of it to go. We'll officially move in this weekend. I even kept my cool today when things got pretty frustrating. It involved one of those automatic roller machines and a paint color I hated. You'd think being an artist that I would be good at picking colors but I'm awful.
If anyone gets a chance, could you say a quick prayer for me? I'm going to the dentist tomorrow for a couple fillings and I have major anxiety about it. I'm actually doing well, though, because I think God is giving me the grace to be calm about it. I just want it to be over!
***Thanks for your prayers! The dentist was MUCH better than I ever thought. I brought an hour and a half of music on my ipod, specifically songs to calm me down, and I didn't even make it through Tiny Dancer and she was already done drilling! Not even one complete song! Two more visits to go now...
So tomorrow I have to call PPVI for a cycle review. I had a short cycle this time around - only 25 days (when I first started charting my cycles were 40+ days, but lately I've had some short ones, although this is the shortest). My peak day was somewhat normal for a change - day 17 - with about 10 days of mucus. Most importantly the mucus did not stop and start, it was pretty constant during that time. But... my luteal phase was only eight days. What does that mean? Here are the luteal phase lengths for my last eight cycles: 8, 3, 12, 9, 10, 8, 10 and 3 days. I read today that you need at least to days for implantation, so three of those cycles are long enough and five aren't. And I wonder what happened when it was only 3 days. And I wish I knew what my progesterone levels were. They were okay the last time they were tested - a year ago!! Ugh... I guess this is where my patience comes in again. I'll know exactly what's going on eventually. I just have to wait.
One thing that is definitely helping to take my mind off things is our new house. We've been painting for three days now and have about four more days of it to go. We'll officially move in this weekend. I even kept my cool today when things got pretty frustrating. It involved one of those automatic roller machines and a paint color I hated. You'd think being an artist that I would be good at picking colors but I'm awful.
If anyone gets a chance, could you say a quick prayer for me? I'm going to the dentist tomorrow for a couple fillings and I have major anxiety about it. I'm actually doing well, though, because I think God is giving me the grace to be calm about it. I just want it to be over!
***Thanks for your prayers! The dentist was MUCH better than I ever thought. I brought an hour and a half of music on my ipod, specifically songs to calm me down, and I didn't even make it through Tiny Dancer and she was already done drilling! Not even one complete song! Two more visits to go now...
Friday, February 22, 2008
Letting go actually works
Well I decided to just let go of trying to have blood drawn this month (not that I had control over it, but I decided to not stress about it). I could have tried again today, since PPVI said sometimes you can have it drawn on Peak+8 if you have to, but we closed on our house this morning and my sister's flight was canceled so I wasn't about to waste another day calling labs along the eastern seaboard. But I have gotten some helpful ideas from a couple people and we'll see what happens with those. I'm going to turn my energy towards setting something up for next month, and on Monday I'm going to call a hospital in Northern VA who has sent blood to PPVI before. I feel better since I let go of this and gave it up to God (hey, that's what is supposed to happen, go figure!). Maybe I should try this more often! All I know is I can't say I'm working on patience for Lent and not follow through with it when things get tough. Did I expect not to have my patience really tested these forty days?!
As for my cycle, today is CD 25. Technically it is now CD 26 (the clock just turned to midnight but I think this post will register as Friday). And, as I said earlier, today is Peak+8. The bad news is this afternoon I briefly experienced some sensations that lead me to believe my period is on the way. The feeling only lasted a minute but it has never disappointed before (or, I should say, it always disappoints). So we will see. My temp was still up this morning, but since I am taking it for another reason (thyroid study) I don't really know enough about BBT to use that as evidence. But I guess I shouldn't over-analyze things. The most I can hope for is that I ovulated this month and that maybe, just maybe, my cycle will appear somewhat "normal" this time around. My body is healing, my ovaries are healing and this will happen in God's time.
I got an email today from someone who reminded me of a song that speaks volumes about what I need to do right now (thank you!). Here's a portion of it.
For some reason, this line always hits me the hardest: "I raise my hands and praise the God who gives And takes away." It may not seem like God has taken away anything from me, but I truly feel like He has. My dreams have been taken away. My fertility has been taken away. I know it might not be permanent, but right now it is real. But it's the praising of God through this that strikes me. I'm definitely not good at it and the thought that people do that is amazing to me. But if I get bad news in the next week, I'm going to give it my best shot.
As for my cycle, today is CD 25. Technically it is now CD 26 (the clock just turned to midnight but I think this post will register as Friday). And, as I said earlier, today is Peak+8. The bad news is this afternoon I briefly experienced some sensations that lead me to believe my period is on the way. The feeling only lasted a minute but it has never disappointed before (or, I should say, it always disappoints). So we will see. My temp was still up this morning, but since I am taking it for another reason (thyroid study) I don't really know enough about BBT to use that as evidence. But I guess I shouldn't over-analyze things. The most I can hope for is that I ovulated this month and that maybe, just maybe, my cycle will appear somewhat "normal" this time around. My body is healing, my ovaries are healing and this will happen in God's time.
I got an email today from someone who reminded me of a song that speaks volumes about what I need to do right now (thank you!). Here's a portion of it.
"Praise You In This Storm" by Casting Crowns
I was sure by now
God You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say "Amen", and it's still raining
As the thunder rolls
I barely hear Your whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away
And I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
And every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm
For some reason, this line always hits me the hardest: "I raise my hands and praise the God who gives And takes away." It may not seem like God has taken away anything from me, but I truly feel like He has. My dreams have been taken away. My fertility has been taken away. I know it might not be permanent, but right now it is real. But it's the praising of God through this that strikes me. I'm definitely not good at it and the thought that people do that is amazing to me. But if I get bad news in the next week, I'm going to give it my best shot.
Thursday, February 21, 2008
Problems *update*
Well I spoke too soon. I cannot have my blood drawn today because no one will draw it and ship it. And on top of that, no one will draw it and turn it over to me to ship myself. I guess I took it for granted where I use to live because I just walked in the closest lab and handed them the order from PPVI and they shipped it. No questions asked. Apparently the Richmond, VA area does not ship blood or give your own blood to you.
So is this the end of my road? Without blood I can't do anything else. I guess my next step is looking for a lab in northern VA, NC, MD or maybe I'll just drive 8 hours to the lab in NY I had it drawn at last year! This is ridiculous. So no bloodwork this cycle. Another month to wait, another 30+ day postponement. I'm actually handling it well and my husband and sister both pointed that out. I'm just now beginning to get teary about it. And to top it all off I felt like the people at PPVI were getting annoyed at me calling all day. Maybe it was in my head. But, as my husband pointed out, shouldn't they be helping with this? I feel like it's so hard to navigate your healthcare these days. Being someone's patient doesn't even mean much. You still have to be ultra-proactive or nothing will get done!
Oh - here's the best part: I went into a lab this morning unknowingly, and told them what I needed. They said they don't do that. But the fascinating part is that I went there in November and they claimed they did do it, and I had it done and figured they shipped it. But then I got thinking, I never got a print-out from PPVI about my results and at my post-op appointment Dr. Hilgers never referred to that bloodwork. So I called PPVI and asked if they had a record of bloodwork from Nov. Big surprise, they did not! So this lab took my blood, later realized it needed to be shipped which they don't do, and instead of calling me they just forgot about it. But still charged me of course! How great is that? They just, what, threw my blood away?!
Okay, I'm going to forget about it. Nothing I can do now. Patience. Patience.
*Update - So finally a woman at a lab was nice enough to look into it for me instead of just telling me no. She called me back and said she found out it's against the law for a lab to draw blood for a dr. not liscensed in the state of VA. Against the law?! I called PPVI and they'd never heard of that and claimed they've had patients in VA have blood sent before. So now my next step is to find a physician who will take me as a patient and basically have them copy Dr. Hilger's order and get my blood drawn. But I'll actually be back to square one then because I still need to find a lab who will ship it or let me take it and ship it myself. Not to mention the doctors who are affiliated with PPVI are all about two hours away. And who knows if they are even accepting new patients.
To top it all off, the nice woman who told me it's against the law also told me there might be one place in Richmond that could do it for me (how, if it's against the law??) and it's called Richmond IVF or something. Does IVF stand for something else that has to do with blood?? Because that just takes the cake if I would have to go to an IVF clinic to have my blood drawn and shipped to PPVI. I'm not even going to call them.
This is a horrible day. It's my poor sister's last day here and she spent it watching me make calls all day. Then we decided to go shopping which I hoped would get my mind off of things, and I tried a million things on (which I hate) and when I went up to the register I whipped out a $100 gift card only to find out it was the wrong one, and had $9 on it! So I had to put everything back and it was just one of those times when I almost broke down. Not because of the clothes or the gift card, but because should I have expected anything less? This is how this day has been. Oh well, I guess it could be much worse.
So is this the end of my road? Without blood I can't do anything else. I guess my next step is looking for a lab in northern VA, NC, MD or maybe I'll just drive 8 hours to the lab in NY I had it drawn at last year! This is ridiculous. So no bloodwork this cycle. Another month to wait, another 30+ day postponement. I'm actually handling it well and my husband and sister both pointed that out. I'm just now beginning to get teary about it. And to top it all off I felt like the people at PPVI were getting annoyed at me calling all day. Maybe it was in my head. But, as my husband pointed out, shouldn't they be helping with this? I feel like it's so hard to navigate your healthcare these days. Being someone's patient doesn't even mean much. You still have to be ultra-proactive or nothing will get done!
Oh - here's the best part: I went into a lab this morning unknowingly, and told them what I needed. They said they don't do that. But the fascinating part is that I went there in November and they claimed they did do it, and I had it done and figured they shipped it. But then I got thinking, I never got a print-out from PPVI about my results and at my post-op appointment Dr. Hilgers never referred to that bloodwork. So I called PPVI and asked if they had a record of bloodwork from Nov. Big surprise, they did not! So this lab took my blood, later realized it needed to be shipped which they don't do, and instead of calling me they just forgot about it. But still charged me of course! How great is that? They just, what, threw my blood away?!
Okay, I'm going to forget about it. Nothing I can do now. Patience. Patience.
*Update - So finally a woman at a lab was nice enough to look into it for me instead of just telling me no. She called me back and said she found out it's against the law for a lab to draw blood for a dr. not liscensed in the state of VA. Against the law?! I called PPVI and they'd never heard of that and claimed they've had patients in VA have blood sent before. So now my next step is to find a physician who will take me as a patient and basically have them copy Dr. Hilger's order and get my blood drawn. But I'll actually be back to square one then because I still need to find a lab who will ship it or let me take it and ship it myself. Not to mention the doctors who are affiliated with PPVI are all about two hours away. And who knows if they are even accepting new patients.
To top it all off, the nice woman who told me it's against the law also told me there might be one place in Richmond that could do it for me (how, if it's against the law??) and it's called Richmond IVF or something. Does IVF stand for something else that has to do with blood?? Because that just takes the cake if I would have to go to an IVF clinic to have my blood drawn and shipped to PPVI. I'm not even going to call them.
This is a horrible day. It's my poor sister's last day here and she spent it watching me make calls all day. Then we decided to go shopping which I hoped would get my mind off of things, and I tried a million things on (which I hate) and when I went up to the register I whipped out a $100 gift card only to find out it was the wrong one, and had $9 on it! So I had to put everything back and it was just one of those times when I almost broke down. Not because of the clothes or the gift card, but because should I have expected anything less? This is how this day has been. Oh well, I guess it could be much worse.
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
Great article!
This morning I got a pleasant surprise when my husband pointed out to me a headline on the cover of the most recent issue of Faith & Family that arrived today. It read, "God Made Me Infertile." Yay! A story about infertility in a publication that isn't all about infertility! And it was an article I knew would be pro-life and would not contradict Church teaching. My next surprise came when I flipped to the article and discovered it was all about Lottie and Tate from catholicinfertility.org! But it wasn't over yet. I read the article, which talked all about the couple's struggle with infertility, their adoption journey that has brought them three beautiful children, and their discovery of the Pope Paul VI Institute. A lot of the story I was familiar with from their website, until the end, that is. It said they were able to conceive and Lottie is pregnant with a baby boy! I am so excited for them!
It's a great article (and a great magazine, by the way) and I suggest you read it if you have access to the magazine (it's not online as far as I know).
After a mini-breakdown last night (not anger, just a little sad-for-no-reason type of episode), I'm doing well today. I talked with the Pope Paul VI Institute for my six week check-up today and the great news is they have ordered bloodwork for Peak +7, which is tomorrow! I don't even need to be patient this time! They also told me I have to call on the first day of my next cycle to do a cycle review. I'm so excited! Things are moving forward and each day I'm closer to finding out if anything else is wrong with me, if my hormones are okay, if I need medication, if they'll try me on Clomid, etc., etc.
It's a great article (and a great magazine, by the way) and I suggest you read it if you have access to the magazine (it's not online as far as I know).
After a mini-breakdown last night (not anger, just a little sad-for-no-reason type of episode), I'm doing well today. I talked with the Pope Paul VI Institute for my six week check-up today and the great news is they have ordered bloodwork for Peak +7, which is tomorrow! I don't even need to be patient this time! They also told me I have to call on the first day of my next cycle to do a cycle review. I'm so excited! Things are moving forward and each day I'm closer to finding out if anything else is wrong with me, if my hormones are okay, if I need medication, if they'll try me on Clomid, etc., etc.
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
Waiting
Well I'm still trying to be positive, patient and hopeful! This, I guess, is when it's most important. It's easier to be patient when you're in the midst of fertile days. There's more going on, your charting everything, taking ovulation tests, looking for signs. Now I'm just waiting. Yesterday I was super positive for some reason. Just really happy and at peace with God's will. But today was a different story. I'm not mad at God or anything, but my mood definitely shifted and I'm a little more melancholy. It might be hormones.
On a side note, I am taking my temperature four times a day for a thyroid study the PPVI is having me do, and this morning my temp was up (it was the first day I was required to take it post peak). I guess that's pretty normal for post-ovulation and maybe another sign that I ovulated.
So I'm going to continue to keep my head up, even though I find myself having doubts about having hope from time to time, mainly how much more it might hurt if I don't get pregnant; honestly, I think I'm afraid I'll feel stupid for thinking it might actually happen. But I think the solution to that is to simply ignore those thoughts and push them out of my mind, change the subject. I'll be let down many times in my life, with or without hope. But if I trust in God, He will help me through it.
I know this analogy might sound silly, but I had an epiphany the other day when walking my dog. Sometimes she pees and comes back inside right away. Other times she drags me around forever. Usually I get really frustrated and pull her where I want her to "do her business," usually right around our apartment. But, in the end, she doesn't do it until she's ready. And if I fight her on it, it only takes longer and I wind up really mad. So the other day I just let go, let her pull me wherever she wanted and in the end, it took her less time than normal, I was happier, and not at all annoyed. My point (yes, there is a point here) is that I realized that's what I need to do with my infertility. Let go, loosen up, give up control, let God lead me where He wants me to go, even if I think I know a quicker way. In the end, I will be much less frustrated, I will find peace, and I will meet an end result that I will be happy with - and I will look back on it and think, "I should have done that sooner!"
On a side note, I am taking my temperature four times a day for a thyroid study the PPVI is having me do, and this morning my temp was up (it was the first day I was required to take it post peak). I guess that's pretty normal for post-ovulation and maybe another sign that I ovulated.
So I'm going to continue to keep my head up, even though I find myself having doubts about having hope from time to time, mainly how much more it might hurt if I don't get pregnant; honestly, I think I'm afraid I'll feel stupid for thinking it might actually happen. But I think the solution to that is to simply ignore those thoughts and push them out of my mind, change the subject. I'll be let down many times in my life, with or without hope. But if I trust in God, He will help me through it.
I know this analogy might sound silly, but I had an epiphany the other day when walking my dog. Sometimes she pees and comes back inside right away. Other times she drags me around forever. Usually I get really frustrated and pull her where I want her to "do her business," usually right around our apartment. But, in the end, she doesn't do it until she's ready. And if I fight her on it, it only takes longer and I wind up really mad. So the other day I just let go, let her pull me wherever she wanted and in the end, it took her less time than normal, I was happier, and not at all annoyed. My point (yes, there is a point here) is that I realized that's what I need to do with my infertility. Let go, loosen up, give up control, let God lead me where He wants me to go, even if I think I know a quicker way. In the end, I will be much less frustrated, I will find peace, and I will meet an end result that I will be happy with - and I will look back on it and think, "I should have done that sooner!"
Sunday, February 17, 2008
Just a quick update
So it's CD 20 (almost CD 21 actually) and still no more peak-type mucus, which is good news. The only odd thing is that I have been having some PMS-like symptoms for a few days now. Not a ton of symptoms, but a few in particular. My chest is super sore, I am having some lower abdominal pain (which since my surgery isn't that abnormal) and I've been having a sensation in my legs that I sometimes get before my period. I don't know if this means I will get my period in a couple days (which would be like 15-20 days earlier than normal!) or if this is happening because I'm ovulating (although if I did, it probably happened a couple days ago). Since I probably haven't ovulated in a long time, I may not be used to the symptoms (if these even are symptoms of ovulation, which I don't think they are). I'll soon find out, I guess.
Tuesday will be six weeks since my surgery. I guess this means I can't use that as an excuse anymore! Seriously, though, I'm still getting really worn out really easily. My sister and I went shopping today and I didn't last very long at all. Thankfully it's not like I have to return to work, so I'll still be able to take it easy. Thank God I can take time off to de-stress and focus on getting pregnant.
Tuesday will be six weeks since my surgery. I guess this means I can't use that as an excuse anymore! Seriously, though, I'm still getting really worn out really easily. My sister and I went shopping today and I didn't last very long at all. Thankfully it's not like I have to return to work, so I'll still be able to take it easy. Thank God I can take time off to de-stress and focus on getting pregnant.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)