I always thought I wanted a big family, and luckily, my husband was okay with that. I'm one of three, he's one of four, and I figured I'd be happy with five or even more, whatever God chose to give us. Really, it was up to Him. Just like those big Catholic families I see in church.
In the past three and a half years, though, those thoughts have vanished. While I know anything is possible, I figure there just isn't enough time to have that huge family I've dreamed of (mathematically there is, but I like to be a pessimist I guess). I also wanted to be a young mom. That dream died years ago, obviously, but I still mourn it at times.
Now I dream, wish, hope, pray for one baby. Just one. I'd give anything to get a positive pregnancy test just once in my life, to be happily pregnant (I swear I will welcome morning sickness, labor pains, and all of that), and to see my baby. I'd be eternally grateful to be an overtired new parent, to clean up puke and dirty diapers, to never leave the house, to be consumed with him or her, to have my house full of baby things, and to see my child baptized and share that with friends and family who have waited for this with us. I want my family to come visit because of the new baby, I want to triumphantly take the baby home to my parents. I want to see what our baby together would look like.. my brown or his blue eyes, my brown or his blond hair.. would he or she look like our baby pictures? I want to name my baby just once.
Why is it that some families get to have so many? I know all the spiritually-correct answers to that question, but they rarely comfort me. On a gut level I can't help but wonder, why? I know God blesses us all in different ways, but if babies are considered blessings, then why is God choosing not to bless me? It hurts me to see the huge families while I only want one. I know that is jealousy and it is something I constantly fight. I'm like a broken record in confession - jealousy, anger, impatience, etc., etc., etc. It's definitely the devil trying to get in my head while I'm vulnerable. And I am definitely vulnerable.
Okay, I need to get a grip! I have a lot to be thankful for. God has blessed me and while it may not have been with a baby, it has come in other forms. I have a wonderful, loving husband who puts up with A LOT. I have my health, so does he and the rest of our families. I have a diagnosis, which I didn't six months ago. I also had a successful surgery and I am endometriosis free. I have a greater chance of conceiving at some point than not conceiving.. my chances are over 50%. I have a huge prayer network of people, some I don't even know, who are constantly lifting me up in prayer.. that's got to be worth something (although it also makes me realize that God definitely doesn't will me to be pregnant at this point.. He's definitely getting an earful of requests). I have a beautiful little dog who currently takes the place of a baby (and I'm quite sure she hates it.. I am constantly apologizing to her for this).
These things give me comfort in the moment, but it's hard to think of them when I see those huge families. Don't get me wrong, those families are awesome. I just want to be part of one.
On another topic, I had HORRIBLE pains last night in what I believe was my stomach. It was on my left side just under my bottom rib. It came on suddenly and the only warning was I had just eaten and felt really, really full. Like Thanksgiving full, but I clearly hadn't eaten that much. Then the pain hit and I was incapacitated. My mom, a nurse, is convinced it was just gas and thought perhaps it was due to my digestive system being slow because of the anesthesia. I also know it was gas because burping would relieve it for a few seconds. I also had just eaten broccoli and apparently that can cause gas. Anyways, it was almost as bad as my endometriosis pain and that's saying a lot. I just hope it doesn't happen again.
I feel like I could have written this post. I know exactly how you feel. I think that has been the hardest part for me - letting go of my dreams and opening up my heart to what God's plans are for our family. We might get to have a child, we might not. We do have a heart for adoption, and I think that too is from God - but it doesn't ease any of the pain right now. It has changed me forever. I hope for the better, but sometimes it is hard to see through the tears.
ReplyDeleteI pray that you will have that baby you are dreaming of- and not just one. I do believe that you will- you have as good a shot as anyone else- probably even better than most, with Hilgers having treated you, not to mention the power of prayer, of course.
I can't wait til your BFP post! I really can't!
On the pain issue -- P kept reminding me not to be too afraid since the surgeons only recently starting suppressing patients' ovulation with the use of the pill - they had not done that up until recently. Also, P continually reminded me that Hilgers, of course, would never suppress a patient. Now- with that being said-I do believe what my surgeons said about the pain is true- it makes perfect sense. After all, your ovaries are raw, they are still healing, and ovulation is a major event for an ovary.
ReplyDeleteSo- if you see signs of ovulation on your chart- I would highly recommend what P told me to do- go ahead and take some ibuprofen first thing that morning, and every morning you have peak type mucus. It will help tremendously as a preventative pain measure. You can also take your stronger pain meds if it gets to that point. For me, I had some pain, but it was never that bad. I think it was because of the ibuprofen keeping it at a minimum.
I hope your pain goes away soon!!
PS- I don't know what other pain meds you are on, if any. But what I said about the ibuprofen assumes you are no longer on pain meds.
Sorry to leave so many comments on your blog -- but I came across this blog and her story sounds a bit like ours - stage 4 endo. Well she just got a BFP!!!
ReplyDeleteI hope it encourages you as much as it did me.
http://endoandfertility.blogspot.com/
Hey I just wanted to give you some hope too - I had stage 4 endo, two laparoscopies with 3 months of lupron (menopause inducing drug) between the surgery. We got pregnant very soon after the second surgery. It's definitely possible!
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