Sunday, December 6, 2009

Mini-breakdown & cycle update

For some reason I haven't really been motivated to write anything lately. Nothing new is going on, so that might be why. But that never stopped me before!

Mass was really hard this morning. There was a family of seven a few rows ahead of us, complete with a newborn. Then, a family of four, again with a newborn, sat directly in front of us. And to top it all off, walking up for communion I was side by side with yet another couple with their newborn. I lost it. And in that moment, as I was slowly approaching the altar, I was able to unite my suffering to Christ.

It's always seemed such an abstract concept before, but this morning it was like I suddenly knew what it meant.

One Sunday, several months ago, I was walking up to receive the Eucharist and I saw a woman, already back from receiving, kneeling while holding a prayer card with an image of the Suffering Christ. Ever since then, that's what I imagine as I walk up. So today, when I was overcome with grief, I pictured that again and really united my suffering to His, and it worked. I was overcome with emotion and started crying. For a few moments I really believed that Christ was suffering with me and knew exactly the pain I was experiencing. I felt like He was telling me that it was me and Him - that I am never suffering alone.

That comforting feeling didn't last long though. By the time we were in the car I was already pretty crabby towards Ryan and was yelling by the time we were home. After he left to play football and I was all alone, I really lost it. By the time he returned, I was under the covers crying. And I yelled at him some more.

He did a pretty good job of getting me out of my funk. He even took me to buy something, which typically works to at least momentarily lift my spirits. I never thought a shower curtain could make me so happy! And funny story about this - I was over at GIMH's house last night and fell in love with her shower curtain, of all things. I told her I was going to copy her, and boy did I mean it! Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, right?

The new look in the bathroom (I also got a couple $1.99 hand towels) inspired me to clean most of my house (which isn't as impressive as it sounds since it's not all that large). I don't know that I've ever gone so quickly from utter despair to sweeping, vacuuming, rearranging a rug and rug pad and moving furniture!

As for my cycle, today is peak +11. The only thing different about this one so far is I've had some very, very mild cramping that doesn't last too long. As far as I can remember, it happened on peak +8, 9 and again today. Each time it lasted only a couple minutes and wasn't really all that painful (and trust me, I know painful cramping. This wasn't it). Anyone know it if could be from the Prometrium?

Speaking of Prometrium, I'm getting much more used to it now, or perhaps I'm just not having any side effects because I literally take it while getting into bed.

I got my peak + 7 results the other day. My progesterone was 19.1 and my estradiol was 175. As usual, the nurse said my doctor thought they were excellent, but I can't help but wonder why my progesterone wouldn't be even higher on Prometrium. Does anyone know if this is an okay result for taking a progesterone supplement? Nineteen is a pretty average number for me on peak +7 (I didn't go on Prometrium because it was low, rather to help out my prog/est ratio or something). I've even seen it as high as 44 in the past, and that was unmedicated!

Oh well. I'm just looking forward to seeing what Dr. S thinks about that, and everything else, in January. I seriously can't wait for my appointment.


  1. You and me both. I can't seem to write anything. I have a million thoughts in my head, but they have little to do with IF since I am on such a long break and trying to avoid the pain of this month and memories of last year. Then I read all these thought-provoking posts on Advent and feel like my silly little posts are well, silly.

    I love your Eucharist reflection and the image you focused on. I once had a priest tell me to imagine Jesus holding up the Eucharist and looking down the table through all the ages and all the people there, not just the 12, and looking at me. I close my eyes and imagine that every time those beautiful words are uttered at consecration.

    I love the shower curtain.

    I take the vaginal supps throughout the LP and only do the prometrium to induce a cycle so I am not definite on the P4 levels, but my levels are normally a bit higher than normal. I still think 19 is a good number. I do think taking them as you literally get into bed is the best way to go. The one time I didn't, I felt drunk and confused.

  2. I LOVE the shower curtain. I have been looking at shower curtains for about month now and have not taken the plunge to completely redo the decorations in our guest bath. It is currently very nice, I just want a change.
    You have (GIMH, too) have great taste. It is very classic.

    I don't know what to say about your cycle cramping. I hope that you get some answers that will make a difference at your appt with Dr. S. Wouldn't it be nice to be feeling better physically and emotionally? I will be praying for you, I am having more emotional days too and so I know what a strain it puts on a relationship, so glad Ryan was able to bring you joy and renew your spirits.

  3. Oh K, I'm sorry there were so many large families around you at the early Mass. I'm surprised there are so many at that time. What is going on with that?!

    I love the shower curtain! :) You are right, it matches perfectly with your wall color! I might need to steal your wall color now...haha!!!

  4. I love the shower curtain too. We only have a stall shower in our master so we don't have a shower curtainm there :(. I love your Eucharist reflection.

  5. K, I'm so sorry to hear about your mini-breakdown. It's so hard when we are confronted with those images during Mass, of all places, while we're trying to find some peace. Your reflection on going up to communion is so beautiful!

    Unfortunately the homily during our Mass was comparing Advent to pregnancy... ugh, it was painful to listen to. I hadn't been to this Mass in a long time, and I noticed a family I hadn't seen in awhile had another baby. These moments are so difficult - especially when we're in Mass trying to pray.

    I can't wait for your appointment with Dr. S!

  6. That shower curtain is awesome. I'm so sorry you had such a hard time at Mass (that's what you get for going to daily Mass - hah! I swear, I'm going to resume going. Soon. I just have to get that last little bit of initiative together). I'm surprised your progesterone isn't higher, too. I haven't been on prometrium, but it makes sense that it should increase. It's so frustrating when all the goofy stuff we take doesn't even have LOGICAL results. It feels like a whole black box - throw drugs and surgery and all sort of treatments into the system, get nonsense out. It's hard even to see progress sometimes!

  7. Just really quick I wanted to say that Candice went looking for the same shower curtain today after seeing L's and she couldn't find it. How funny is that!!!

  8. A - Tell her it's at BB&B out by me.. across from Chesterfield Town Center. It's definitely there! Haha.. L created a trend!

  9. Wow, that is a beautiful shower curtain!
    I walked up the entire way (loooong aisle) for Communion next to a sleeping newborn in a carseat a couple months ago... and the readings for that day were all about how people were "healed" for their "faith." It made me want to punch someone.

    I am perplexed about the progesterone not being higher. Do you take 100 mgs of Prometrium or 200? Maybe you need 200? I take 200 at night, and 100 of Endometrin (vag. progesterone suppository) in the mornings. The cramping could be a good sign, and I'm sure you already thought of that... I'll be praying!

  10. TCIE - I'm taking 200.

    And I hadn't really thought about the cramping being a good sign. Which is funny because usually I read into everything!

  11. Questions: Are you taking prometrium orally? It's been a while since I was on it, but I thought I remembered it saying on the bottle not to take it if you were or could be pregnant because it can inhibit the lining and my dr. would require a negative blood test b/f letting me start it. Am I thinking of a different medicine? I think it's different if you are doing the suppository method, but I am all confused. I am set to start it this week, but if I recently ovulated I do not want to start it unless/until I know I have a - PG test if it could be harmful (I'm not TTC, but if I did ovulate (doubting) it was unexpected and there was a time close enough that I would need to rule it out.
    Thanks in advance.

  12. Ann - I'm taking it orally. I don't know about the differences between taking it orally or in suppositories, but as far as I know, women take it before they conceive and then continue it if they are pregnant. It has to be safe for pregnancy since it is given to women in early pregnancy. Some women miscarry because they didn't have it. Anyone know if that isn't the case for the oral drug? My bottle says to discuss it with my doctor if I'm pregnant, but I just figured that is what all my fertility drugs say (ironically).

  13. God I love that shower curtain! thanks so much for your post, I can really relate to everything!

  14. Ok, thanks. I'm on the supps to when trying to conceive, but then on the prometrium when they know I'm not and need to induce a cycle. Weird. I'm getting my bottle tomorrow. Maybe I remembered wrong.

  15. Ann - And this is where my confusion lies.. I'm on Prometrium to keep my progesterone high and extend my luteal phase (in hopes of conceiving), yet you're on it to start your period. Can anyone explain how that works?

  16. I love the shower curtain!

    Hugs and prayers.

  17. I don't know. Based on this link and a couple of others
    I think it starts a period by preventing the lining from building up, but then that seems like it would be bad for pregnancy. As far as extending the LP, I know progesterone can do that (and I do take progesterone in the form of v. supps) and prometrium is progesterone, so none of it makes sense to me.

    I don't see why one form of progesterone is used for me than another . . . each with different forms and each used to do different things. I am all confused on how this all works.

  18. On sustaining pregnancy

    Doesn't a lot of this seem conflicting?