I know I sound like a broken record, but I've been struggling lately. There is just so much that is upsetting me, and I just can't seem to get a grip on it.
I see my life collapsing around me, and I can't reconcile whether it's me causing it or if it's being done to me. On the one hand, I feel like it's all happening to me - that infertility isn't my choice, it's causing me great suffering, and I can't be responsible for how it makes me act (let alone the strong possibility that one of my medical conditions is making me irritable). If it were up to me, I'd be a happy-go-lucky mother right now, but the reality is that I'm not. So not only do I have to deal with the pain of infertility, I have to try to act perfectly normal and happy despite it. It is hard enough to live like this without having to worry about how I act towards others.
On the other hand, I know I have a responsibility to be kind and loving to everyone (mainly talking about my husband here) despite whatever is happening to me. As much as I hate to admit it, I think I do have to rise above my problems and not only deal with the frustration and heartache, but also the difficulty of being nice despite all of that. I guess that is just part of the struggle; it goes hand in hand.
I guess I should explain the problem - I am depressed and therefore very irritable. I have even recognized, myself, that I am irritable lately, so it must be bad. I have not been a good wife, and infertility is definitely taking a toll on my marriage. Although I do think this is normal; not good, but par for the course when you're dealing with any life-altering problem.
So I have vowed to work on it. But part of me resents that I have to work on that, while working on my relationship with God, my lack of a prayer life, my sadness, my jealousy, my medical issues, adoption, etc., etc. I feel like I am overflowing with things I need to work on and I don't know where to start. I know my husband should be a top priority (as is just being a kind person in general), so I am moving that up higher on the list.
I know I need to continue to take it to God, lay all of my problems at his feet and ask for His help and mercy.
I am so sick of being miserable, of being sad, of having my emotional pain actually hurt me physically. I want it to all go away.
And what if it really isn't my fault that I am acting this way? What if is it one of my many medical conditions causing my irritability? I tend to think this is the case, but I guess it doesn't really matter. I need to overcome it.
Speaking of medical problems than can cause irritability, I had my thyroid tested and got the results yesterday:
TSH - 0.02, (normal range: .40-4.5)
Free t3 – 294, (normal range: 230-420)
Free t4 – 0.6, (normal range: 0.8-1.8)
(*I am currently taking 25 mcg synthroid and 25 mcg cytomel)
The nurse said my doctor thought they were perfect, but they don't seem too perfect to me. The reason I had the test done in the first place was because I had gained weight and I called to see if it might be due to the hydrocortisone I'm taking. Dr. B said no, but it could be my thyroid. He hasn't looked at these results yet (they went to my other doctor by accident) so I am waiting to hear his thoughts.
In the meantime, though, a quick google search lead me to diagnose myself with secondary thyroidism. I'm not saying I really have this, but it did get me thinking. I am hypothyroid (even on medication), have extremely low cortisol levels, and high prolactin - three things that originate in the pituitary. So could that be where the real problem lies?
Whenever doctors see that my prolactin is elevated, they always ask if I've had an MRI of my pituitary, but I never have. Could I have a tumor? If I do/did, it might be under control now since my prolactin level is normal on medication. But just the fact that I had that problem in the first place makes me wonder.
Those things are all connected, so I think the answer to my infertility could really lie with the pituitary. I'm waiting to talk to Dr. B about it, and then I'll be sure to talk to Dr. S about it next month.
In the meantime, I will try my hardest to be a kinder, more loving person, whether it's a medical problem or not. That's a really tall order! My prayer buddy is going to have to work overtime for this!
Friday, December 18, 2009
Infertility irritability
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I don't know how the Holy Spirit works so well, but all day long as I was sweeping, wrapping gifts, doing the laundry, I was praying for you. Not everyone, for some reason God put it on my heart to pray for you specifically.
ReplyDeleteI know that your suffering is great and that just wondering what is really the probles creates a whole new kind of suffering.
I am so sorry you are going through this, but I know that I brought you to God today and I trust that He is taking care of you!
Keep me posted on how you are feeling, in the meantime, I will continue to pray.
Don't feel so bad. I'm a horrible B-tch to my DH, and I never apologize for it! At least you are recognizing the problem :) (Haha, like an alcoholic, that's the first step!)
ReplyDeleteMy Christmas party is tomorrow evening, and this year I made the evite say, "Come, get drunk, and don't bring the kids!" (basically just like that, haha!) - so no horrid all-kid party like last year's, but I still don't feel like being all jolly for my guests. Something tells me they won't really enjoy sitting around wallowing in my IF misery with me, though ;) Ah, well, gotta suck it up!
I'm still praying for you. I see this is a very low, dark time in your life, and hopefully that means the only place to go from here is up.
Sorry you are going through this. I want to share a prayer that has helped me. It is the Prayer to Father Pio for Help. You can find it here: http://FrankKellyMinistry.com.
ReplyDeletefrom my thyroid board, pituitary issues are usually when all hormones are low, sex hormones, thyroid, adrenal. if they have asked you if you've had a MRI then perhaps you need one, sometimes a pit tumor can cause issues, though that is not always the case. Those that are hypo pit need to replace all hormones the pit makes. My dh does this....head injury caused pit issues.
ReplyDeleteTo me that TSH doesn't seem normal and the TSH seems low, meaning that your thyroid meds might be too high. But that is interesting that your dr. said that they were ok.
ReplyDeleteI have seen Dr. order MRI's before to rule out pituitary stuff. I'm glad you are seeing him. :)
Praying for you.
I remember being a rather unpleasant person to be around when going through the infertility/adoption maze combo. Some days were just so hard. My husband would come up with things to do that I would normally enjoy but I would be like a zombie going through the motions and on the edge of tears. God bless him, he just stayed by my side and didn't hold it against me. We ended up with a routine on tough days where we'd go for a long drive and I'd rail against our situation and sob as he drove. Then we'd pick up a pizza and go home and I'd be able to get it together again. The release of emotions helped so much. I'll pray for you.
ReplyDeleteIsn't it funny how dh is the safe person to unleash on so they sometimes get the brunt? but when you think about it, they are dealing with the IF and the hormonally crazed wife-poor dh's! I think it just matters most how you respond to the suffering as you said, not really where it comes from. It is a tall order, for sure, but def part of the cross. I am sure I am not the only one that can relate. We can't control so many aspects, but we can control how we respond/wait. We are works in progress and might have to start over each day trying, but it is a worthy cause. It really is important to put dh before kids in priority-in the ttc and after they are here. He will be there before and after they've gone. I had a friend who took the huge leap to stop ttc because she recognized it was hurting her marriage too much. I am not saying that is in order, but maybe you need both need a break? My recent post is about our plans v. God's plans-it is a great reflection I found in the Word Among Us. I hope you know I am coming from a place of love writing this and just trying to help. I am sorry for your suffering and will keep you in my prayers!
ReplyDeleteI am also a cranky monster much of the time - short with my husband (but there's a limit there, because there's only so much he will take before he doesn't want to talk to me), but mostly (and this is unforgivable) with people who can't fight back. The other day, I got a gift certificate I had bought for a Christmas present, to a little Italian restaurant in Phoenix, for my in-laws. They had put my name in the "to" line instead of the "from" line, so I was going to have to white-out a present, which was really annoying, plus I didn't know whether they would accept it. So FIRST I put a snotty "you better accept this" message on the back. THEN I called to see whether they would take it, and pointed out that they had made a mess of a gift. The guy was so apologetic and said of course they would take it. He said he was so sorry, and I knew the right thing to say was "that's OK" but I was just annoyed and I wouldn't. After I got off the phone, I realized that I make small mistakes at work all the time. Nobody ever talks to me like that. I always get a second chance to fix things. So I made myself call him and apologize. I'll never meet this guy, but for some reason it was very hard for me to make that call.
ReplyDeleteEven though I try, even when I can tell what I'm doing, often I can't make myself stop being snotty, to my husband, or to the poor people who have to deal with me. I don't know why; I used to just be NICE and it was easy. So I have decided to try to apologize to everyone I'm nasty to, as soon as I realize what I've done. Maybe it will ultimately make me nicer, or, if nothing else, maybe they won't feel so rotten that somebody yelled at them if they actually get an apology.
Hi! I just want you to know that your t4 is terrible! Mine was a 1.1 and a naturopathic doctor told me I need thyroxine babdly. Progesterone helps with the thyroid and if you are taking progesterone and was tested for your thyroid while on it, then your thyroid is even worse off than the test declare. See if your doctor will prescribe Armour Thyroid for you. I just miscarried my first baby girl because of this. I bet if you get your thyroid going, you will get pregnant right away... like within 3 months. Let me know if he won't prescribe it. Perhaps you can set an appointment with Dr. Detherage. He has helped many an infertile couple get pregnant! Good luck to you and Merry Christmas! Kathy
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