I feel like I am at my wit's end. Lately I have only two functions: crying and holding back tears.
I had a terrible day. The only highlight was reading all of your beautiful comments on my last post. I can't thank you enough for your kind words.
The reason today was so difficult was because I was reminded once again that we can't afford adoption. We can't even afford babies that are "difficult to place." I know I must sound like a broken record, but have I mentioned how much I hate that money is keeping me from being a mother? It's just not right.
When I really think about it, I feel like this can't possibly be happening. It really gives new meaning to that age-old phrase parents are always telling their kids - life's not fair. Boy, did I have NO clue how much I'd be learning that lesson when I grew up. In a perfect world no one would be infertile, but even in an imperfect world I'd like to think infertiles would have a somewhat easy time with adoption.
Of course, we can afford our super slow agency that we're waiting with now (I know I should be thankful for even that, but honestly I just can't muster up any gratitude at the moment). So we will wait. I should rename my blog to All You Who Wait.
God must be at work here, although it so often seems He is no where to be found. But I know if He truly is with the lowly, then He is right by my side. A priest told me this weekend at confession that I must stay calm because it is only then that I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I'm looking, but I think it's still too far away.
My prayer today is for mercy. God, I need it.
Monday, December 14, 2009
Mercy
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K, I'm so sorry. The finances are just another thing to throw on the top of a pile that is already far too tall. How frustrating. I'm sorry that something as "of the world" as money is slowing down adoption. I'll be thinking and praying for you guys.
ReplyDeleteDear Lord,
ReplyDeleteI ask You to be with my friend K. She needs your mercy and grace and consolation to carry this cross. Please flood her with your love and encouragement. Help her to feel Your presence and know that You are with her. She longs to be a mother and yet she also desires to do Your will. Please bless your good and faithful servant. Amen.
:)
I'm so sorry you are down about this, K! You are #7 on the adoption waiting list, so I think maybe give the agency another 6 months. If things start to pick up, you'll be picked soon- especially since you guys are young and the best looking on there (just being honest!) Haha! :)
ReplyDeleteI'm praying for you K!!!!!!
ReplyDeleteAll I can say ..... from miles and miles away....:
ReplyDelete*HUGS*
And yes, still praying for you and waitingforlife everyday ....
And yes, all these festive seasons are making things SO hard....
OH, dear K. This waiting game. Enough already!
ReplyDeleteSeriously. I'm praying for you... that Our Lord, in His infinite mercy, might fill your heart with His Love.
Be gentle with yourself today.
I'm praying for you. Sorry that finances are being an issue in adopting. Mercy is always a good prayer.
ReplyDeleteI honestly have NO idea how I feel so peppy and hopeful lately, in the midst of everything that's happening, and the only way I can explain it is that it is through the grace of prayer. And not my own. It must be my Prayer Buddy!
ReplyDeleteSo, here's a little shout-out to K's Prayer Buddy: step up those prayers, and do a rosary a-sap!
I think that will bring you the mercy, and the calm that you need right now.
"I should rename my blog to All You Who Wait." Even when you are down, you are still funny! I am sorry that finances are an issue, but, believe what you write when you say that it must be part of God's plan for you!
ReplyDeleteYou may want to consider fostering to adopt. It doesn’t cost a thing. In fact our son receives full medical insurance until his 18th and we receive a monthly stipend to help offset his costs, in addition to not having to pay one penny for the actual adoption, not even for finger printing, any home study costs, etc. You do have the option when considering foster children of indicating that you will only take placements of children under a specific age. Our son at 9 years of age was well past the age we specified, yet, in God’s providence he has blessed us with a child we couldn’t possibly love more if I had carried him in my womb rather than carrying him as I did in my heart for so many years.
ReplyDeleteOur decision to adopt a child in foster care was in no way influenced by these benefits, however, as our source of income has disappeared in the post crash housing market having some of his expenses covered has been a huge blessing. As always God’s plan works.
Full disclosure: Children in foster care can come with a host of challenges that any emotionally injured person would present. I did a lot of reading up on foster adoption before we moved forward. Our son’s issues are mild overall, but knowledge of what you may be facing is extremely valuable.
I think I recall a post where your agency told you that foster adoption would be time consuming, etc. Does your agency specialize in foster adoption? If not you may want to get a home study done with one that does and work with that agency in addition to the home study for infant adoption.
Advent blessings and praying God’s will for your life as the, oh so difficult for a barren woman, Christmas season approaches.
Praying for you, K, as this journey gets heavier and more trying. :(
ReplyDelete"The LORD is close to the brokenhearted; and those who are crushed in spirit he saves." Psalm 34
I hated to hear that you were in that very dark place that I had been in for nearly two weeks.
ReplyDeleteIt is such a dark place, but I am praying that light floods all the corners of your soul and brings new life, new growth, and renewed fatih.
Remember that when you can't utter the words to your prayer that others are carrying you in prayer!
When I was going through a similar time, you commented such encouraging words that I printed it out and it is on my fridge! J loved it and we remember never give up! Thanks for your continuous encouragement, I hope that God will reward your heart soon in giving you at least a glimpse of his vision and mission for your family :)
It doesn't seem fair that adoption should be hard on infertiles - giving a child to a home where he will receive his parents' full love and attention should be a huge priority, and the amounts these places charge are shocking just in general. And it seems that adoption agencies are actually HARDER on infertiles (are fertiles told to use contraception or stop having sex while they're waiting to adopt?). But it sounds like you have some good options here in your comments - I would definitely do that grant application. (Give God broad hints on how you want Him to bless you!)
ReplyDeleteAnd though you didn't ask for advice, may I suggest starting a savings account for adoption, if you haven't? With every few dollars you can drop in, you may feel you're getting closer to your goal, rather than endlessly idling.
I 2nd the foster to adopt. I know you really want a baby, but it's worth checking into. Also does ryan's job have any assistance for adoption. My comp (large bank) helps some and i've heard a few large corp's do as well.
ReplyDeleteFoster to adopt was what came to my mind, too, but I'm not sure if you've discussed that before as something that you don't feel called to do. I will be praying that God's mercy and love for you will wash over you soon :)
ReplyDelete