Thursday, March 5, 2009

Results

Well you all can now say you know someone who had a false positive pregnancy test.

That's right - my blood work showed zero hCG and the level of progesterone was not high enough to indicate a recent pregnancy.

So despite a luteal phase four days longer than normal, progesterone that dropped and then rose again, and a faint positive test, I still have never once conceived. Seriously, what are the chances that all those things happened all at once as a fluke? I guess my reproductive organs defy the odds.

I'm sure there is a rational explanation for everything. The plus-sign tests apparently aren't reliable (I know cysts can cause false positives, but if that was the case I think I'd have additional positive tests). My progesterone was just really good and the fact that it's high doesn't mean you conceived, it just means the conditions are good for a conception. And, while rare, it can rise again in a non-conception cycle. And my luteal phase was probably lengthened by the Tamoxifen, or perhaps it was longer because I am just getting healthier.

On the bright side, these are all new things that have only occurred in one cycle...meaning it's not like I have had great progesterone and textbook cycles for a year now and still haven't gotten pregnant. I have just begun to be fertile, apparently. At least that's what I am hoping.

On the not-as-bright side, I'm tempted to wallow in my apparent bad luck. I mean, really? I really had a false positive pregnancy test? Me? The girl who has spent nearly five years suffering from infertility and as if that isn't bad enough now I have to go through having a false positive test for no apparent reason? Just because it was a faulty test?

But I'm not going to go there!

I mean, I might be tempted to think that all of these so-called "good signs" aren't really good signs at all if I don't conceive. Or I might be tempted to think about how I spent the last week thinking I was so close to being pregnant only to find out I was just as far away from it as any of the other 54 times.

But while I might be tempted, I'm not giving in! No, that'd be way too easy.

I am fine. Whatever God wants is what I want. And thankfully I never thought I was really pregnant and so I don't need to deal with the added sadness of thinking I was and then not. Does that make sense? I had just hoped, after the fact, that perhaps I had conceived.

Oh, and this cycle is only getting weirder. I'm back to a regular period. I guess it's starting and stopping. That's never happened before, but that's fine. Different is good, because whatever has happened before sure hasn't worked!

10 comments:

  1. I hear what you are saying. I've never conceived either. I've never had a false positive pg test either but I truly try to avoid those things like the plague. Unless the Dr tells me to do one...I won't. Most of the time...after I do a test...my cycle starts. Weird how that all works. I will keep you in my prayers. Being fertile is a positive thing!!! Sounds like you are going in the right direction. Blessings.

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  2. I don't care what it says....Something was happening!

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  3. I have a question that I emailed to you! ;)

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  4. You have such an amazing spirit. I love your line about saying I want what God wants. That is all there is to it and I so glad you are there. Some days I still struggle with surrendering my will. Will keep you in prayer as you stay positive.

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  5. Oh, K, there are wonderfully beautiful things in store for you. I just know it!

    I cannot understand why all of this happened, but I cannot wait to see what is just around the bend for you.

    Let's try to focus on that together!!!

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  6. I'm ss for the results, BUT, it just doesn't make sense to me that you would have high levels of progesterone still once you've already started shedding your lining (i.e. m/cing if you were indeed pg). And the hCG would also no longer be in the system. So I'm just not convinced, hon. I'm sticking to my original hypothesis :)

    I know how you must feel right now, and it really stinks. Like you said, though, no matter how you look at it, there are positives to be gleaned from this experience. You are getting healthier and more fertile! Praise be to God!

    I'm sending lots of prayers your way. I talked to God for about 1 1/2 hrs on my trip to NY last weekend, all about how this is your time and you've been so patient. So I hope He listens :)

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  7. Hi,

    Stumbled upon this when I was searching for a faint positive line. I've been wanting a second child since forever and luck has noto been on my side either - waited two years for my firstborn. It is sure frustrating sometimes.

    I guess, I do not need to buy another stick and try it again. Im just gonna wait for my AF to come by.

    http://onlychildsplay.net

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  8. Hi,

    came across this while i was checking on faint positive. I've been wanting to conceive since forever. I had a faint positive last month but it was a miscarriage. Like you, I waited 2 years for my firstborn. This is too emotionally taxing. Guess, im not gonna get anymore stick and just wait for my AF. :(

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