Friday, March 20, 2009

Peace

I feel like there isn't much to post about lately, which is probably because I've been feeling really good.

I cannot even express how thankful I am that I've had such a peace with infertility in recent weeks. I'm still a little surprised every day that I feel good and that my default thinking is not full of negative thoughts, which had been the case for four-plus years. I just really feel like I've finally realized that God's way is the only way, and I'm sort of resting in his will. It's a really peaceful place to be after so many years of fighting.

And it's not like I'm euphoric or anything - I still have frustrations, bad moods, impatience - but the main difference is now it's not usually about infertility. When it comes to that, I am just relaxed. I still do get a little pang of jealousy when I hear someone else is pregnant, but I am working on that. I know those thoughts are a lie and only decay my soul. To be free of them leaves so much more room for God's grace. Sometimes I even try to picture my soul, and how when it is full of bad stuff - like jealousy - there is less room for the good.

I think there are a few reasons I have been finally able to surrender and find peace. First, I believe time is definitely healing my infertility wounds. I have been through it all, all the stages of grief, the range of emotions, the shock, the despair. For years I have had those times when I just couldn't believe that I may never have a biological child - you know those moments, when it's like it hits you again for the first time - and I just think I'm starting to get used to it all. It just doesn't hurt as much as it once did, simply because it's old news. How many times can that the thought that I might not ever get pregnant cut me deeply? Well, it probably has done that very thing hundreds, if not thousands, of times. Eventually, though, like with anything, it has to hurt less, and I think I've finally reached that point.

And it's not like I'm patting myself on the back for reaching some level of higher understanding that has brought me peace. Oh no, just the opposite, actually. I've been worn down and battered by this thing, and, if anything, I have just kind of given up. But rather than give up in the negative sense, I have given it up to God. I'm done. I'm exhausted. Now it's his turn (which it really was all along).

Second, I think that moving forward with the adoption process has helped a lot. But just a few months ago the idea of adopting wouldn't have made me feel any better about not being able to conceive, so the fact that I'm on board with it now is actually less of a reason for surrendering and more of a result of it.

Third, I think it's just part of my path. God has different experiences in mind for all of us and just like we all experience different forms of infertility, our spiritual paths vary as well. For some of us, the road to acceptance may be shorter, while for others, it may never end. Thankfully, God saw fit that I would start to experience some peace at this point of the game. For whatever reason, the experiences of the last four-and-a-half years were all part of his plan for me, and the peace I feel now is just another step on that path.

Basically, it all goes back to accepting God's will.

To be honest, I am a tiny bit nervous it will all disappear, or that I'll get in the way of myself. But even if I wake up tomorrow feeling down, I'll be fine, as long as I remember that I'm not in charge. What God has in store for us is so much better than anything we could ever plan for our lives, and I can't wait to see what it is.

5 comments:

  1. Yes, we do all have different crosses to bear for reasons we may or may not understand on this side of eternity. But I am so happy to read about your peace about this right now. God is already doing Great Work in you, definitely touching people with your blog and your honest thoughts here.

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  2. You are in a totally different place right now with all of this than even when we talked over the Christmas months about it all!

    I know we've both had our ups and downs when it comes to our feelings on both infertility and adoption. It is great you are in a peaceful place. To God be the glory!

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  3. Praise God for your sense of peace! Resting on God is a nice place to be. It's normal to be a bit nervous that it will all disappear - after all the other side doesn't like it when we fully trust in Him and tries to get us to doubt. Have faith - those little questions are proof that you're close to God.

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  4. Yay! I'm so happy you have reached this place!

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  5. Thank you for the reminder. Out of nowhere I started bawling right after getting into bed last night... I haven't broken down like that in a while, and it really startled me. I just kept asking "Why? Why?"... not sure what the end of the question was, but I knew the "why" was definately there.

    But your post gives me peace, as well. This is His, not ours. I'm so glad you are in this place.

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