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We're back from the freezing cold north. It was beyond cold the first couple days, but it actually got better near the end. The early part of the week, though, reminded me why we don't live there anymore. How do any of you do it, and how did I do it for 30 years?

Anyways, I've had a bunch of blogable thoughts floating around in my head for a few days, so this is going to be a hodge podge of a post.  Here goes...

First, we got home today around 4 a.m. We had a great visit, although it seemed to fly by and I hardly feel like I got to talk to my family at all. We had a wonderful Christmas Eve, Christmas, and we even celebrated my birthday yesterday. Here's a picture:


I had a breakdown last night as soon as I got in the car to leave. It was probably partly due to always being very sad about leaving my family and knowing we wouldn't both be back until July (I'll be making two trips alone in the spring), but it was mainly about infertility. It's hard holding it in for several days; I'm used to being able to openly be sad when I feel like it. It wasn't that I was around babies or anything - I know it could have been much worse - but it's just that time when my cycle is nearing the end. I always lose it just before it's over. 

My birthday was another reason for my breakdown. I am utterly depressed this year about turning another year older without conceiving. 32. I almost can't believe it. It makes me tear up right now just thinking about it. Leaving my parents' house made me start thinking about the week that is ahead of me - namely, my birthday. Ryan has to work on my birthday this year, which isn't his fault and he feels horrible, but it makes me dread it all the more because I'll be alone for most of the day. Alone and sad. (Aren't I pathetic?)

My mom and sister loved their aprons, and I kind of wished I'd made one for my other sister too, despite the fact that she doesn't really cook. Here's a picture of all of us: 



That's my mom second from the left. She got sick again last night, just as I was leaving. We're hoping it's not C Di.ff again. It sucks because not only does she get sick from it, but she feels defeated when it comes back. She counts the days between bouts, hoping it will be longer each time. For her sanity alone I hope it's not C Di.ff, or "the beast" as she says it's called on the message boards. Please pray for her if you get a chance. 

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On a completely different topic, I went bra shopping today. I had ordered one for Christmas that ended up not fitting me so today I subjected myself to what I consider torture. I swear I get nauseous each time and I usually leave empty handed. Well, this time I refused to let that happen. I was wearing a pre-weight loss bra that would better serve someone forty pounds heavier than me. It's really embarrassing. I cannot even explain to you how huge it is and how terrible this bra fits me. 

So tonight I left with two bras, one of which was on sale from $70 to $30. But now, as I sit here, I can hardly breathe. I know (from learning on Oprah) that a well-fitting bra is supposed to be tight and I know I've been used to wearing super-loose ones, but this can't be good. 

Oh, and I should mention I had someone "fit" me. I was sick of trying tons of bras on and never finding one that felt good, so I decided to just do it. I had a stranger measure my chest and I found out I am a 30 DD, which they don't make, so that means I'm a 32 DD, which they do make (prior to the fitting I was trying on 34 C's, so I guess it was necessary). If it were up to me, I'd have bought a 34, which felt a lot better, but I put my trust in Tiffany, the bra fitter, and bought the little itsy-bitsy 32's. I'm hoping I get used to them.

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In cycle news, I discovered the other night that for the past five or six months, every other cycle has been almost identical. I thought ovulating on every other ovary was a myth, but what other explanation is there for it? Every other month I ovulate on day 18 and on the months in between I ovulate much earlier on the same day (I can't remember what day right now). And for this current cycle and the one before last, I ovulated on day 18 and then had spotting on day 24 (yes, I woke up on Christmas morning to spotting.. although that doesn't really explain it well - it was more of a super light tan discoloration and happened only once). So, if this cycle continues to mimick that one, I will get my period tomorrow. I least I think that's the case. My chart is still packed some where, but it's something like that. So what is the deal with the every other month similarities? Has anyone else ever seen this? I am going to the doctor on Monday so at least I'll be able to see what he thinks about it.

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On Christmas night, Ryan and I went to the movies with my youngest sister and her new boyfriend. We saw The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, which was a pretty good movie, but the reason I bring it up is because it made me think - and cry - about infertility (I know - it's probably not surprising that something reminded me of infertility). I was a mess as I watched it! There are just themes in it that resonated with me, not to mention Benjamin Button's mother, who took him in when someone left him on her doorstep as a newborn, is infertile and even gets blessed at a healing service (although the preacher does say something about it being due to her sins, which we all know isn't true!). The main reason I wanted to say something about it tonight is one line in particular. It is repeated throughout the movie and it really struck me: 

“You can be mad as a mad dog at the way things went, You can swear and curse the fates, but when it comes to the end, you have to let go.”

I sobbed every time they said it! Doesn't that just sum it all up? That describes my experience perfectly. I spend so much time being mad, so much time cursing God, so much time being angry that my life didn't turn out the way I'd imagined it. But where does that get me? NO WHERE! I just have to let it go.

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Well there is a lot more I could write about, but I need to rest. I'm going to make some hot chocolate (I found some with low sugar that is not actually advertised as low sugar!) and watch some t.v. Have a good night!