To my baby

My Clara,

You fell asleep on me tonight and I just stared at you, your puffy red lips still sucking on an imaginary bottle.

You were fussy this evening. I'm pretty sure it was because you're teething - your first tooth has been slowly rising from your bottom gum for more than a week now - and all you wanted was to be held. I'd put you down by your toys and sit by you on the floor, only to have you climb right back onto my lap and into my arms.

I don't like that you're hurting, of course, but I'm happy to comfort my baby girl. And it reminds me that I'm your mama.

This made me cry tonight, thinking about how much you need me. Your daddy tells me all the time that I'm your whole world. I always tell him how much you love everyone - your dada, your dog, your cat, your Nana, your Grandma, your grandpas. But he insists you know I'm your mama and love me most of all.

I love you most of all. I'm so blessed to be your mama. I love seeing you first thing in the morning when you're so happy and, lately, so loud. I love watching you play, talking away to your toys. I love how you hold your bottle with your left hand, wave your squeaky bunny with your right, and play with your ball between your feet, all at the same time. I love how you play in your crib when you're supposed to be napping. I love how you explore, how you're never afraid, how you have an enormous personality in such a teeny tiny body. I love your smile, your laugh, your wavy hair, your big brown eyes. But more than anything I love being your mama.

I'll remember this time, when it was just the two of us girls, forever. But you will just have pictures. You won't have any memory of being an only child, of being my whole world, before you had to share me with your brother and, some day, maybe more siblings as well.

We thought it'd be just you and us for a while. I was happy to only ever have you, if God had wanted it that way. I never thought we'd have a mere two-and-a-half months before a baby started growing in my womb.

I have felt guilty that your first year was with your mama tired, nauseous, sore. But you are always my first priority. And you have been so understanding. You don't want anything from me other than food and love and a clean diaper.

In two short months from now you'll, God willing, have a baby brother. You'll be a big sister. I know you'll absolutely love him. Even though you don't really know he's in there, you kiss my belly, which amazes me since no one ever showed you what to do. I made sure to get it on video to show you one day when you don't think you want him anymore.

I cried tonight while you slept in my arms, but I wasn't sad. I'm so excited to meet your brother, who I know will be your baby from the moment you can say it. But I can't believe our time, my time, with just you is already coming to a close. The time when you taught me how to be a mommy.

No matter how many brothers and sisters you have, you will always be my baby, my daughter, my firstborn, the love of my life. And I'll always be your mama.

Mmmm.. fair food

So I've been craving a certain food for months now. It's one of those things I probably would never eat if I didn't have the pregnancy excuse, which is kinda funny since you could make a pretty good argument for why I should actually be eating healthy right now. So much for that.

Since this food (can I even call it that?) is not available everywhere, I've been waiting for an opportunity to have it and it finally presented itself - the state fair.

A woman my husband knows was giving away free tickets and so he asked her for some the next time he saw her. He started to say to her, "My pregnant wife..." when she cut him off and said, "Let me guess - she's craving funnel cake."

Ha!

So I finally got some on Friday. It was good, probably not as good as I had built it up to be for months now, but still really good.


As yummy as the funnel cake was, the highlight of the trip was Clara's interest in the animals. She loved them! I was hoping she'd be old enough to care about the animals, and she sure loves our pets, but you never know. So when she started to show an interest in petting them (and wanting to climb in their pens with them), I was thrilled.





I'm going to take her to a petting zoo in a park near us soon, but for now, she has Sophie and Jasper to chase after. Oh, how she loves them. Although there isn't much mutual affection there.

30 weeks

Well I entered week 30 of this pregnancy last weekend and to mark the milestone (I can usually find an excuse to call each week a milestone if I really want), I thought I'd post a new belly shot...



The main reason it's a milestone is because 30 weeks is when Clara entered the world. Baby #2 is now as old, as developed, as Clara was at birth. She was 3.2 lbs and Baby #2 is roughly that same weight. It's really amazing to think about it, especially because it reminds me what a miracle Clara is.

So I've been dealing with pregnancy aches and pains for a while now, but yesterday it reached new levels. I felt like I was huge and had a hard time getting up off the couch. It was so weird!

My back is also really painful, especially starting in the evenings, and I have newfound respect for people who deal with chronic back pain (like my husband). I don't know how they do it. It messes with my mind and makes me crazy!

I have pretty much figured out that my back pain is due to wearing a bra. In my theory, the bra distributes weight to my upper back, the same part of my back that is currently carrying some of the load of my growing belly. Does that make sense? I know this to be true because when I don't wear one, I don't have pain that evening. But oh, let me tell you, not wearing one is not easy. I'll leave it at that (and of course I wear one when I'm out. That is NOT an option).

Last night I was in so much pain in bed (back pain and side pain as well) that I woke up all night long, switching from side to side (and usually ended up on my back, which makes it harder to breathe). I'm exhausted today. I think it's come to the point where I have no choice but to buy that expensive pregnancy body pillow, the one that looks like a candy cane (a purchase I was hoping to avoid). Has it worked for any of you?

Sorry if it seems like I'm complaining! I still love being pregnant and I love that I'm getting bigger, despite whatever extra discomfort comes with that. I think I just need to voice it because it's amazing to me that it's happening. I don't think it'll ever sink in that I'm pregnant! Well, maybe once labor starts..

Well Clara's napping so that means shower time for me. Better late than never.

Congratulations, Clara!

What a blessing this weekend has been, and what an answer to prayer it was as well.

Clara was baptized yesterday in a beautiful ceremony at our parish, and our family and friends came from far and wide to celebrate with us. We were so thrilled to have everyone here for it and so thankful they all could make it.

I wasn't sure how a nearly-ten-month-old baby would react to being baptized, especially at 6:30 in the evening (not her best time) after already sitting through an hour-long Mass. But she did great. She was quite talkative at the very beginning, but as soon as the first hymn started playing (Be Thou My Vision, which almost made me cry), she fell asleep in her Godfather's arms. She slept the rest of the time, even through the water being poured over the head and the only time she really woke up was as we stood on the alter at the very end and everyone clapped for her. She opened her huge eyes, clearly startled, and looked at everyone, only to fall back asleep about two seconds later.

The baptism was so special, from start to finish. I actually almost cried a couple times, especially when our priest said during his homily that before the foundation of the earth, God had written it for her to be our daughter. I almost lost it with that, as did Ryan.

After the baptism, Father came up to me and commented on how incredibly blessed we are, and how it wasn't that long ago that I sat in his office for spiritual direction and things were very bleak. Now he was baptizing our daughter, with our son in my womb. It really is amazing.

The day and ceremony went by so fast, but at least I can savor the moment every time I smell her oily hair. I'm not going to bathe her again until tomorrow.

Of course, I have pictures. GIMH was kind enough to take a bunch with my camera...

Right before we left for the church. Clara's gown is new, but her bonnet is the same one I wore for my baptism nearly 34 years ago.



Her Godparents (and their three beautiful children) were kind enough to travel from Upstate New York for the occasion.



Walking to baptismal font while chanting the Litany of Saints. A friend of ours even served as cantor for the baptism. It was so beautiful!



Sound asleep.








Not even being baptized with Holy Water could wake Clara up.



Receiving the blessings of the mother and father at the Marian chapel.



My parents (left) and Ryan's parents (right).



She finally woke up at the very end, just in time for her party!

We are so thankful to God that our sweet little baby was able to receive her first sacrament. I was not sure when this day would come, and for her to receive it sooner then we expected was such a wonderful blessing. We love you, dear Clara. Welcome to the Body of Christ!

Finally!

So lately I've been told a number of times I don't look pregnant yet (even by my endocrinologist the other day). Since I've dreamed of looking pregnant for so many years now, I have anxiously awaited being at the point where it was obvious. Plus, I've gained a ton of weight, so I'd like to know at least some of it was being distributed to my belly area.

Well, finally, at 30 weeks, someone thought I looked pregnant enough to just assume it and ask when I am due! This made my day!

I was getting a pedicure (thanks, Mom!) and the woman doing it asked "When are you ready?" I didn't know what she meant, so she asked again, this time pointing to her stomach.

She knew I was pregnant! Bless this woman! I was thrilled.

On a side note, this is especially poignant because a couple years ago I was getting another pedicure from a different woman who said she could tell I'd never been pregnant because of my build. This gave me quite a laugh because a) not all previously-pregnant women have the same body type, b) of course the ultra-sensitive infertile girl gets told she even looks barren, and, c) if she meant I was slight in the hips or something, well, that's not something I had ever been accused of before and I'll take it! I definitely concentrated on 'c' at the time :)

So, apparently, I finally look pregnant. At least to someone!

In other news, Clara's baptism is tomorrow (well, technically, tonight since it's past midnight). Praise God! I'll hopefully post pictures in the next couple days.

Caught in the act

For the past week or so, Clara has quieted down shortly after going down for her afternoon nap. This was quite a change, since for the past several months she has cried for up to 30 minutes before falling asleep.

So the other day, being a bit curious, I decided to check in on her. Was she really falling asleep right away, like a good little girl? I had my doubts.

I opened the door a crack, and this is what I found:



Imagine my shock! I thought I'd find my sweet baby fast asleep. Or, at the very least, lying awake, cooing quietly to herself. But no. Instead of napping, she was hanging from her mobile! And being very quiet at it, no less!

So like any good mother, I grabbed my phone and shot some video.

Of course, after documenting it, I marched in and, to her dismay, removed the mobile for good. Maybe I should have seen this coming, but it seems like just yesterday she was a tiny baby swaddled tightly in her big crib, with no hope of movement whatsoever, let alone reaching her mobile. They really do grow up so fast!

This just cracks us up. What a little stinker she is!

The state of things

I'll be 29 weeks tomorrow. We have eleven weeks left. Eleven weeks. 

It's funny because in most situations, wouldn't eleven weeks seems far away? Goodness, I think the forty days of Lent seem to last forever! But the last eleven weeks flew by and everyone assures me the next eleven will too. Although as much as I cannot wait to meet our baby, I do love being pregnant. It's weird to think I won't be soon!

Speaking of baby boy, he sure is active lately. And not just kicks and punches; I feel like he's constantly doing the worm in there. And tonight I actually saw and felt a limb poking out. I freaked a little when I felt it! I know I feel him all the time, but something is extra surreal about feeling like you're touching his little hand through your skin.

I've also been having a lot of Braxton Hicks contractions in recent days. All of a sudden I feel my whole belly painlessly tightening, and then it's gone. And it's happening all day long, it seems.

I'm also really feeling the physical affects of the third trimester. My back aches. It's so hard to bend over. Hard to sit at a table. I wake up early every morning, in pain. I feel like I'm walking funny. And I know my belly is only going to double in size. So will the pain and discomfort, I'm sure.

Right now the heating pad is my best friend (I'm currently laying on it for my back pain), although I can already tell it's not working as well as it did at first for my side. 

My side.

The pain is now entering into endo pain territory. While I wince and yell at times, I can, for the most part, do things to lessen it, like stand up (it usually happens while sitting), lay on my left side, or grab the heating pad. But it's hardcore, serious pain and I have to force myself to breathe through it.

Enough about the aches and pains (which, of course, I gladly accept overall. I just need to do better in the moment!). 

We went to our labor and delivery class last Saturday. Anyone else ever see the video where the wife is walking the halls during labor and has her husband get on all fours and become a table for her to lean on during a contraction? Hands down the highlight of the class. I broke out in uncontrollable laughter and actually had to think negative thoughts to stop giggling! And just for the record, Ryan will not be making a table for me, no matter how badly he wants to.  

Meanwhile, Clara is doing great. I don't know when I last updated what she's been up to, but she's been pulling up on everything for a couple weeks now and cruising. And she's just so confident! I thought she'd walk really late, just because she was born so early, but maybe she'll be walking by the time her little brother is here after all. Do I want that? I tend to think not!

She's also so vocal lately. For the past few days, it sure sounded like she'd look at Sophie and say "dog" (well, actually more like "dawd"). I didn't think much of it because I knew I hadn't taught her that word, so I figured it must be a coincidence. Then last night she did it again, so I asked Ryan about it. Turns out he had been working with her on it! Of course, she hasn't said "cat" yet, which I work with her on constantly. She is such a daddy's girl.

So that's what's been going on with us (oh, and I have to mention that the nursery's done! Pictures coming soon). It's funny because I'm really starting to realize that even though I'm a mother and even though I'm pregnant, the ups and downs of life are still present. But at least now they're set against the backdrop of joy rather than sadness. And I'm a huge fan of joy.