Antsy

I just want this cycle to end. I feel like it's mocking me because for some reason - despite that fact that I am diseased and have bad ovaries - I am ludicrous enough to actually think I have a shred of hope right now. I can't even believe I just typed that, but I wanted to be honest.

I hate feeling like this. The protective side of me is screaming, "NO! Don't fall for it! You are infertile! And it will hurt even more this way!" So if it's going to end, just end already.

I seriously have only had hope one other time in the past two years and, of course, that time was a big flop. It's humiliating, isn't it? Something about it is humiliating. I guess that means I have pride, and perhaps God is trying to highlight one of the areas in which I need to 'die to self'. I think I might have asked him to do that very thing a while ago. Hmmm.

I thought it might end today when I woke up and my bbt was down to 97.9. Oh, but don't worry! Psycho me took it three times until finally, after trying to go back to sleep for 15 minutes, it went up to 98.1, putting me back in the safe zone (albeit somewhat manipulated). I am having more pain and cramping today. It's not too bad, but it is now on both sides. Also, I haven't seen any more spotting, for what that's worth.

I'm only ten days post peak today, and lately I've been typically having an eleven day luteal phase, which would mean I have today and tomorrow left to wait. So I guess this is all premature. I just need to get through the next couple days, go to my doctor's appointment on Monday, and then go out to eat once the cycle has officially ended.

I've gone through it roughly 49 times already. I should be prepared by now.

With all this on my mind, I'm having a hard time seeing the women go into and out of the abortion clinic. Just knowing they're pregnant. I feel just like I would if I was at a big, happy baby shower, yet this mother is going to likely kill her baby. So it's that jealousy mixed with disgust over the woman killing what I long for most in the world. I think it's taking a toll on me. I'm not going to go tomorrow, and just take a day off.

Right now I'm antsy. I was looking forward to resting today but now I'm just bored. God, please give me patience.

Good mood

Well, she pulled it off! Sarah Palin was amazing tonight. I have to admit, I was nervous, but she was able to come off as intelligent and in command, while still letting her down-home charm shine through. Granted, I only watch Fox, but even the Democrats on there were complimentary of her. The only thing they can say is "sure, she's nice, but she didn't differentiate herself and John McCain from Bush..." If that's all they can say, you know they think she won, too!

On another topic (although not completely unrelated), I'm a really good mood! I think it might be the crisp fall air today. It was so beautiful today for my shift at the clinic. Usually it's hard to be there and I feel really dark and down, but today I loved it. It was so nice out and I felt really peaceful when I prayed. I also spent about 45 minutes talking to the cop that the clinic pays to "protect" them. It was funny, that when the doctor drove up I all of a sudden see this cop walk out, as if to protect him. Then it occurred to me, he's protecting the doctor from me! It just struck me as funny. Anyways, the cop eventually came over to me and we talked all about politics, tonight's debate, a little about abortion in an abstract sense, but more about the other protestors who aren't affiliated with 40 Days for Life. We agreed that they were going about it the wrong way.

The rest of the afternoon, and still tonight, I was just in a great mood. It's funny what your hormones can do, because last night I was miserable. I was on edge for no reason (well, other than infertility always being a reason) and depressed. And today I was happy for no apparent reason.

Speaking of hormones, still no more spotting. I guess the next thing I have to look forward to is taking my temp in the morning to see if it's dropped yet. I need that extra warning that the cycle is ending. Know what I mean? Otherwise, I feel so beaten by just suddenly getting my period, like it got me. One point for it. Does anyone else get nervous taking their bbt in the morning? Every morning I wake up and quickly take it, and some mornings I even wake up constantly to see if it's time yet. Of course, I don't want to take it too early, because then it might be too low. So I'll take it again tomorrow morning, hoping it stays at 98.2 or possibly even higher.

Have a great night! (although you'll probably be reading this in the morning...)

More random thoughts

Some good news is putting me in a good mood today! I am only 1.6 lbs away from my goal weight. This is huge, because for basically the entire month of September I had plateaued. Then October rolls around and the weight is flying off. I love October!

I'm not sure why this is happening, other than I have recently become obsessed with strawberries. I eat them several times a day, and, I have to admit, sometimes I even melt some dark chocolate and dip them in. It's heavenly. So if strawberries and chocolate have made all the difference, then I can live with that.

In cycle news, I haven't seen any spotting since Wednesday. I have had some other weird symptoms, though. My left leg aches. Now, usually before I get my period, both legs ache. It's sort of a lack-of-blood-flow kind of feeling, at least that's what I think. But this time it's only my left leg and it's more of a nerve feeling. I can feel the pain go around the outside of my thigh and then all the way down my shin. It's worse when I stand, and I've been noticing it especially during the hour I stand at the abortion clinic each day. I don't personally think it's some kind of sciatica thing, especially since my husband just went through that (who knows, though, it's probably not related to my cycle at all. I could get a hang nail and think it's cycle-related!). The other symptom I'm having is pain near where I assume my left ovary is located. I guess it could be some other internal organ, but I doubt it. It's a somewhat constant aching feeling and sometimes it spreads to both sides, but is mainly on just the left.

I'm not sure what these symptoms mean (and they probably just mean I'm about to get my period), but they're new and worth noting, I guess.

While I'm trying to convince myself that my cycle is about to end, usually I wouldn't see weight loss during that time. I get bloated and my weight usually plateaus the week before. So maybe I do have some time left. It is only day 22, after all. And also, my bbt is still up. It's been at 98.2 since my peak day.

What I do know is that when this cycle does come to an end, I'm going out to eat and getting chicken fingers. Is she going to cheat, you ask? No! For all you low G.I.-ers out there, Un.o's chicken fingers are pretty low in fat, calories, sugar and carbs (and there are other menu items that are good as well. I'm always looking for good restaurant options!). So at least I have that to look forward to!

Oh, and my doctor's appointment is now just around the corner. Four days and counting! I'm going to work on putting together a list of questions, so maybe I'll post them here. I realized today, though, that Monday won't be a huge appointment because it will be mainly for testing to see if the metformin has been working. We won't know any good news or bad news (which is good because we're meeting friends for dinner afterwards and I'd hate to do that if I just learned I was completely barren!). But I love anything that furthers this journey, so I'm totally looking forward to Monday.

One more thing - please pray for a girl named Kendra. She was walking into the abortion clinic right as I was leaving two days ago, and another 40 Days for Life volunteer had a chance to talk with her. The girl was two months along and so the woman showed her a pamphlet with photos at every stage of development. She was able to flip through and find what her baby looks like right now. The girl started crying and told her she was thinking about not having it now. She still went in the clinic for an ultrasound (they don't show the girls the picture, though, not surprisingly) and told the volunteer she'd call her yesterday. I don't know what ended up happening, but if you could say a prayer for her, that'd be great.

And speaking of 40 Days for Life, I just want to add how awesome it is that so many of our volunteers are young women, just like myself (yes, I consider my 31 years old young!). I think it says something, not only to those going in (that hopefully they can relate to them more than an old man) but also to those driving by. We're not weirdos and freaks! We are just like you and your friends. We're NORMAL! Anyways, just wanted to share that!

The G.I. Diet and My Favorite Recipes

If you are interested in starting the Low G.I. (Glycemic Index) Diet, or are considering it, you've come to the right place. I'm no expert, but as someone who was told she had to lose weight to help normalize her hormones, I am full of what I hope is practical advice on this topic.

Five months ago my doctor, after diagnosing me with PCOS, told me very matter-of-factly to start the Low G.I. Diet upon leaving his office. Since I wanted to be pregnant more than anything in the world, I followed his advice and over the next 23 weeks lost 35 pounds. Thank God for my doctor.

Just like my doctor told me, the first thing I tell others to do is buy the book, The Low G.I. Diet, by Rick Gallop. I actually got the 'express' version, since it's cheaper and more to the point.

I am a real person who likes to eat real food, so I wasn't going to suddenly eat meals with strange ingredients and things I've never heard of. Instead, I took my favorite recipes and figured out to make them low G.I.

This isn't a diet, it's more of a lifestyle change. I will probably have to eat this way for the rest of my life, since PCOS can lead to diabetes and heart disease. Low G.I. isn't a fad, it's a common-sense healthy way of eating - low carb, low fat and low calorie.

Some things to keep in mind:

1) You may not lose any weight in the first two weeks - I barely did - so don't get discouraged. You may, though, so don't rule it out either!

2) Don't worry if you think you hate Splenda, fruit or vegetables. Your tastebuds and your brain will change in just a couple weeks. I didn't think it could happen to me, but it did.

3) This diet doesn't mean saying good-bye to your favorite comfort foods. I have found a way to make pasta, chocolate cake, pancakes, paninis, chocolate-covered strawberries, you name it. I've found places to eat out where I can have fried fish and chicken tenders (two of my favorites). And if you can't figure out how to change a recipe, just email me and I'll see if I can help!

4) White wheat flour will become one of your best friends. (Or wheat flour, but white wheat makes me think I'm still having regular flour)

Okay, here are all the recipes I have collected, changed from regular recipes, made up or got from my favorite chef, my mom. Keep in mind that when things call for eggs, you should use eggs with Omega-3. Let me know if you have any questions and feel free to share any of your ideas with me as well!

RECIPES

Pasta Primavera

One box low-carb, high fiber pasta (I buy Ronzoni Smart Taste), any type of noodle
Chicken breast
One small can petite diced tomatoes
Various vegetables of your choosing – mushrooms, onions, peppers, asparagus, broccoli, squash, zucchini, etc.
Garlic
Olive oil
Salt, pepper, oregano and/or other spices to taste

Boil pasta and set aside. Heat oil in a large frying pan and add chopped onions, peppers, mushrooms, zucchini, squash. Cook until tender (although if you like vegetables al dente, they are healthier that way). Add broccoli and asparagus (I steam the broccoli and boil the asparagus ahead of time) and diced garlic (I use about four or five cloves). Heat vegetables on low, making sure garlic doesn’t get too done. Coat chicken with salt, pepper and any other spices (I’m anal and cook my chicken in a separate pan, buy I know some people just cook it in with the vegetables) and add to vegetables when done. Drain can of tomatoes and add just the tomatoes into the vegetables and chicken. Lastly, add pasta, more olive oil (not too much, but use your judgment), salt, pepper and any spices, and let simmer so the flavors all mix together.

*this recipe can also be done without tomatoes for a different feel. It can also be done with a white becamel sauce:


Becamel Sauce (white sauce, alfredo-type sauce)

Two tablespoons butter (it should probably be low-fat, but I use a little reg. butter too)
Two tablespoons flour (whole wheat or white-wheat flour)
Two cups skim milk (I use 1%)
Parmesan cheese
Salt, pepper

Melt butter in a saucepan. Once melted, whisk in flour (if too thick and clumpy, you can add more butter). Let this mixture bubble for 30 sec. to a minute (making sure it doesn’t burn). Whisk in milk slowly. Stirring constantly, bring to a boil and let boil for one minute (while still stirring). Turn heat to low and let simmer for a few minutes. Add cheese (I usually add ¼ cup), salt and pepper.

*********************

Chicken and Steak Stir-fry

Chicken breast
Sirloin steak (or filet, which is really healthy, just expensive)
Assorted vegetables (I use broccoli, mushroom, onions, peppers, squash, zucchini)
Soy sauce or other stir-fry sauce
Brown rice

Cook chicken breast and steak and cut in pieces. Cook vegetables in olive oil (or pam spray) (if using broccoli I lightly steam it and add it later). Combine vegetables and meat and add soy sauce. Cook brown rice and put stir-fry over rice (brown rice is allowed [white rice is off limits] but they still say you shouldn’t have too much of it, so I go heavy on the veggies and light on the rice, maybe ½ cup to one cup)

You can also do a “fried” rice by putting cooked brown rice in a skillet, adding some soy sauce, a chopped-up scrambled egg, and if you really want it to feel like the real thing, some peas (not the best low g.i. vegetable, but a few aren’t gonna kill you). Let the rice get brown on the bottom and then mix. Repeat this until is appears like “fried rice.”


***********************

Chicken Enchiladas

(these are awesome, by the way!)

1 cup chopped onion
1 1/2 cups shredded cooked chicken breast (sometimes I just buy a cooked roaster chicken and pull the chicken off in small pieces)
1 cup (4 ounces) shredded reduced-fat Cheddar cheese
1 cup bottled picante sauce (look for one that has the lowest sugar)
3 oz. 1/3-less-fat cream cheese
1 tsp. ground cumin or chili powder (or you can use a tsp. of a package of taco seasoning)
8 (6-inch) flour tortillas, low-carb/wholewheat (look for lowest carbs because they can vary greatly from brand to brand)
1 1/2 cups bottled green taco sauce (again, lowest sugar. If the amounts look high, you can just use your low-sugar picante/salsa)

Preheat oven to 350*F.
Spray a large nonstick skillet with cooking spray and heat over medium heat until hot. Add onion, and saute until tender, about 5 minutes. Add the shredded chicken, 1/2 cup of the cheddar cheese, picante sauce, cream cheese, and cumin. Cook 3 minutes or until cheese melts, stirring constantly. Place about 1/3 cup of the chicken mixture down the center of each tortilla and roll up*. Place in a 9 x 13 inch baking dish which has been sprayed with nonstick cooking spray. Pour the taco sauce evenly over top, and sprinkle with remaining 1/2 cup of cheddar cheese. Cover and bake at 350*F for 15 minutes or until cheese melts.

***********************

Roasted turkey breast with red potatoes

(I got a pre-seasoned turkey tenderloin thing from the store, but you can also get an actual little turkey and roast it. Just make sure to not have too much of the dark meat)

Turkey
Small red potatoes (the diet allows “new” potatoes, and from what I’ve been able to figure out, that means they are baby potatoes, I think)
Garlic
Parmesan cheese
Salt, pepper

This is pretty self-explanatory (I say that because if I was roasting a turkey, I’d still have to call my mom and ask her for directions!) and if you get the pre-seasoned turkey tenderloin thing, you can just follow directions on the package. For the potatoes, though, cut them in thirds and place in a pan. Mix in chopped garlic, salt and pepper and a sprinkle of parmesan cheese. Bake at 400 degrees for an hour or more (I just keep testing them until they are done, sometimes they take much longer). Do not mash the potatoes, because that’s not as good on the diet (apparently, your body doesn’t have to work as much to digest them when mashed).

***********************

Chicken Cordon Bleu

chicken breasts, pounded out and filleted
deli ham (make sure it is just ham and no sugary flavoring)
reduced-fat swiss cheese
one onion
white wine (I use sherry)

Pre-heat oven to 350 degrees. On each uncooked chicken breast, place a slice of cheese and some ham. Roll it up and keep in place with a toothpick. Salt and pepper the chicken and place in skillet/frying pan that’s been coated with olive oil or pam . Brown the chicken on all sides (doesn’t have to be cooked thoroughly) and remove it. Chop onion into long slices and place in skillet. Cook for a few minutes, then add wine (I just pour some in, but you can do however much you think. It cooks off, so if you want a sauce for the chicken, use a cup or more). Bring the wine to a boil while stirring. Turn to low to simmer and place chicken back in with wine and onions. Place skillet (if oven-safe) into oven and cook for 5-10 minutes (the time really depends on the thickness of the chicken, just check to see when it is cooked thoroughly). If you do not have an oven-safe skillet or pan, just continue to cook the chicken in the onion/wine mixture until done.

**********************

Spaghetti with Meat Sauce/Chili (in crockpot)

One package of ground lean turkey (you can also use lean ground beef)
Two large cans of petite diced tomatoes
Tablespoon tomato paste
One onion, chopped
2 or 3 cloves garlic, diced
spices
low-carb/high fiber spaghetti

Fully cook the ground turkey on the stove, using olive oil. Drain the turkey and add to crock pot. Put the tomato paste in the same pan the turkey was in and brown it. I then mix in a little water in to it (not sure if that matters, but that way it is easier to mix into all the meat) and pour into crock pot. Add diced tomatoes (undrained), chopped onion and garlic into crockpot. Add any other spices you wish (oregano, basil, etc. I use fresh basil as well). Set the crock pot to low. I usually cook it for around seven hours, it doesn’t seem to get that good, blended taste until then.

This recipe can also be used for chili. Just add “Chili-“o mix (or any chili mix) and one can of deep red kidney beans (I guess the darker they are, the healthier they are).

You can also still do this if you don’t have a crock-pot. Just put it in a big pot on the stove; start cooking on medium heat and then when it appears hot all the way through, reduce to low heat for several hours. Just test it to see when it is done (I look for the onions to appear kind of red like the sauce).

************************

Pasta with fresh tomatoes and garlic

One box pasta (I use spaghetti or vermicelli for this)
Roma tomatoes (I would use eight to ten)
Chopped garlic (however many you’d like, I use about five)
Olive oil
Salt, pepper, oregano, basil (I often use fresh basil in this)

Boil pasta and set aside. Chop Roma tomatoes and garlic and sauté in olive oil in pan until warm, making sure not to cook the garlic too much (you can also add an onion as well). Add garlic and tomatoes to the pasta. Add olive oil (I just do however much I feel like, without going overboard) and salt, pepper and any other spices such as oregano and/or basil.

**************************

Chicken/Steak Fajitas

Chicken breast and steak (sirloin or whatever is leanest) (I also sometimes use the Tyson chicken and steak for fajitas. They are pre-seasoned and I think they’re pre-cooked, all you have to do is add them to your vegetables to cook for a few minutes)
One package taco or fajita seasoning
Two onions
Two peppers
Low-carb/wholewheat tortilla wraps
Low-fat sour cream
Low-fat cheddar cheese

Cook chicken and steak with fajita seasoning (unless using the Tyson pre-seasoned meat). Cook onion and peppers. Make fajitas using the tortillas and add l.f. sour cream and cheese to them. You can also add low-sugar salsa. (As with the enchiladas, I try to stuff each one fuller and that way I use less tortillas. I try not to eat more than two)

************************

Steak Wraps

Top-round london broil (lean roast beef) from the deli (shaved)
Low-fat cheddar cheese
One chopped onion (and pepper if you like)
Low-carb/whole wheat tortilla wraps

Heat olive oil or pam in a skillet and cook onion. When tender, add roast beef and cook on high temperature until meat is cooked. Put a small amount of cheese in each wrap, add meat and then wrap it up.

**************************

Parmesan Chicken Tenders

Chicken tenderloins
2 egg whites
Whole wheat or white wheat flour
Whole wheat bread crumbs (I recently found these in the store, but if you can't find them, I also make my own by putting a couple pieces of wheat bread in the food processor)
Parmesan cheese
Garlic powder
Olive oil
Salt, pepper

Mix parmesan cheese with whole wheat bread crumbs (I always eye-ball the amounts because it depends on how much chicken you are making). Add garlic powder, salt and pepper to taste. Pound each tenderloin flat, then coat each (or you can do chicken nuggets, just cut chicken breasts into small pieces) in wheat flour, then egg white, then parmesan cheese/bread crumb mixture. You can sprinkle each with salt and pepper if you like. Fry in just enough olive oil so that they don’t stick until brown on each side (you might need to add more olive oil if it requires making a couple batches). If it’s an oven-safe pan, place it into the oven with all the chicken tenders in it, for about ten minutes at 350 degrees. If you don’t want to brown them in oil first, you can just spray a baking sheet with Pam and bake on high - 450 degrees for 10 minutes. You can also dip these in low-carb/low-fat salad dressings, or eat them on salads.

************************

Buttermilk pancakes

(These are AMAZING! I took a “regular” recipe and altered it to make it G.I. friendly. We add fresh blueberries and diced walnuts to the pancakes as well, which not only make them delicious, but fruit and nuts are always good on this diet. You could add any kind of fruit and/or nuts.)

1 egg, 2 egg whites
1 cup milk
3 tbsp. light butter (I add a tsp. real butter just for fun)
2 ½ cups buttermilk
2 ½ cups white wheat flour or whole wheat flour
2 ½ tsp. baking powder
2 ½ tsp. baking sodapinch salt
2 ½ tbsp. Splenda
Fresh blueberries
Diced walnuts

In a large bowl, whisk together the eggs, milk, light butter and buttermilk. Combine the flour, baking powder, baking soda and sugar; stir into the wet ingredients just until blended. Adjust the thickness of the batter to your liking by adding more flour or buttermilk if necessary. Add blueberries and walnuts at this point (or if you don’t want to add them to the entire batter, sprinkle them over individual pancakes immediately after pouring the batter in the skillet).
Heat a large skillet over medium heat, and coat with cooking spray. Pour 1/4 cupfuls of batter onto the skillet, and cook until bubbles appear on the surface. Flip with a spatula, and cook until browned on the other side. Continue with remaining batter.

************************

Brownies

(I suggest not baking these until your tastebuds have completely changed over to liking Splenda, and when you're at the point where you'll kill for chocolate. Then these will be delicious. Feed them to a non-dieter, though, and they might think you're crazy!)

8 oz light butter
2 cups Splenda
4 eggs (you can do two with yolk and two without)
1 1/3 cups flour (I use white wheat)
1/2 teaspoon salt
1/2 cup cocoa2 teaspoons vanilla
1 cup chopped nuts (optional)
1 Tablespoon mini choc chips

Blend butter and sugar in a large mixing bowl. Add eggs, beat well. Mix in vanilla. Combine flour, salt and cocoa, gradually add to egg mixture and mix just until blended. Stir in chips and nuts. Spread in greased 11 x 7 pan and bake at 325 degrees for about 20 minutes (depending on your oven, it could go much longer. Test with a toothpick). You could use 1 3/4 cup Splenda and 1/4 cup regular sugar if you want.

*********************

Fruit Crumble

Crust:1/2 cup white wheat flour
1/2 cup ground walnuts
1/4 cup light butter
1/4 cup splenda

Mix these all together and press into 8 in pan.

Fruit Mixture:
4 peaches, chopped
½ cup blueberries (don't cut)
Splenda to taste (if fruit is sweet you can skip splenda)

Topping:1 cup old fashioned oats (not the instant ones)
3/4 cup Splenda
2 Tb brown sugar splenda blend
1/2 cup ground walnuts
1/2 tsp salt
1 tsp cinnamon
1/4 to 1/2 cup light butter (till mixture is crumbly and forms together)

Put fruit on top of crust, sprinkle on topping. Bake at 350 degrees until brown. (You can also skip the bottom crust, and you can use other fruits as well, like apples)

***************************

Hot Fudge

Baking chocolate/chocolate bar that is 70% cocoa or higher
Light butter
Splenda
Skim milk
Vanilla
Salt

I usually eye-ball the amounts for this and it never comes out wrong, so I don’t think the amounts matter that much. I usually use half a bar of chocolate and melt it in a saucepan with two tablespoons butter (sometimes I use real butter for half of it). Once melted (making sure not to burn), stir in ¼ cup Splenda (again, I sometimes use a tbsp. of real sugar with the Splenda). Stir in ¼ to ½ milk (not sure how much I use, but it shouldn’t get too thin). Keep stirring this on medium high for two minutes, then reduce heat. Add ½ tsp. vanilla and a pinch of salt.

*This isn’t the healthiest thing and I wouldn’t have it every night, but it definitely satisfies cravings once in a while!

****************************

Chocolate Zucchini Cake

Yield: One (10-cup) Bundt cake or 9x13 inch cake, 16 servings

Cake Ingredients:
2 ½ cups traditional whole wheat flour (or white wheat flour)
½ cup unsweetened cocoa powder (not Dutch-process) [*I used dark choc. Cocoa, which is part Dutch process and it worked fine]
1 teaspoon baking soda
1 teaspoon baking powder
½ teaspoon salt
¾ cup packed brown sugar Splenda blend
½ Splenda
½ cup vegetable oil (or ½ light butter – if you use the light butter, omit the ½ tsp. salt)
½ cup reduced-fat buttermilk
3 large eggs (can omit one or two of the yolks)
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
2 cups shredded or chopped zucchini (2 small zucchinis)
¾ chocolate chips

Directions:
Whisk together the flour, cocoa, baking soda, baking powder and salt in a medium bowl. Stir together the Splenda, brown sugar Splenda blend and light butter (or oil) in a large mixing bowl until smooth. Add the buttermilk, eggs and vanilla; mix well. Add half the dry ingredients, stirring until evenly moistened. Stir in the zucchini, then the remaining flour mixture. Stir in the chocolate chips. Pour the batter into the prepared pan.

Bake at 350 deg. until the top springs back when lightly touched, 45 to 50 minutes. Remove from the oven and cool on a rack for 15 minutes. If you have used a Bundt pan, lightly loosen the cake around the edges and center by pulling it gently away from the pan with your fingers or running a thin, flexible spatula down the sides, then put the rack on top of the pan and flip everything over. Remove the pan and cool the cake completely. If you’ve used a 9x13-inch pan, you can either serve it from the pan or invert the cake onto a serving platter and drizzle with chocolate glaze, if desired.

You could make a low-fat, low G.I. hot fudge (perhaps using more milk than usual to make it thinner) for the glaze, or just eat it plain.

For a glaze:
Melt half of a 70% cocoa chocolate bar with 2 tsbp. light butter. Once melted, add ½ cup Splenda, and 1 cup milk. Bring to a boil, stirring constantly. Turn down heat to low and stir in a pinch of salt and a ½ tsp. of vanilla. Drizzle over the cake.
(You can play with the amounts in this glaze recipe to reach your desired consistency and taste – more or less Splenda, or milk)


Other ideas for lunch/snacks:

- deli turkey, roast beef (as long as it is top-round) or ham (as long as it isn’t baked with sugar) sandwiches on 100% stoneground whole wheat bread with low-fat mayo and/or low-fat salad dressing.

- slow-cook oats (NOT instant) mixed with splenda and cinnamon (i'm serious, it's really good! we also add blueberries sometimes and I add milk)

- pizza (can also be for dinner) – We use low-carb flat bread (the brand “Flat Out” has really good oregano ones) or low-carb/wholewheat wraps. Add a couple spoonfuls of any low-fat canned spaghetti sauce and sprinkle on some low-fat cheese. We also add some turkey pepperoni. Bake under broiler for a few minutes.

- low-fat no-sugar-added Breyer's ice cream (I get vanilla, which is AMAZING, but there are also other kinds that are probably really good)

- broccoli casserole – This is a good side dish. Steam or boil a couple heads of broccoli until tender and cut up into small pieces. Add two tablespoons of low-fat mayo, two tablespoons of low-fat sour cream and a ¼ cup low-fat cheddar cheese (you can play with these amounts based on how much broccoli you have). Add some salt and pepper. Mix and sprinkle parmesan cheese on top. Bake at 350 until bubbly (or you can just cook it on the stove in a pan until it is all mixed in and melted).

- Omelets – the diet allows egg beaters or eggs with omega-3, so I make omelets with either using low-fat cheddar cheese

- almonds or other nuts - they advise not having too many, but a few are actually really good for you, and supposedly they're good to eat before meals, so I will eat just a few now and then throughout the day.

Weird news and bad news

Today is cycle day 20. This morning when I woke up I had some spotting. Okay, stop reading if you don't want a description of it. Still here? Well, this time it was pink, with a little tiny bit of brown mucus. That was it and I haven't seen it since.

So now I've had spotting one time on day 15 and spotting one time (so far) on day 20. I am about seven or eight days past when I think I may have ovulated. What could this mean? Would an infection cause intermittent spotting throughout the middle of a cycle? I usually have it at the end and at the end of my period, but never now. I guess there's a chance this is just the precursor to my period and maybe it will come any time now. But that would still be super early. Like I said before, the earliest I've ever gotten my period was like day 26, and that was very early for me. Why do my cycles keep getting weirder and weirder? I was hoping for more normalcy, but I trust that this is part of God's plan. I can't help but think maybe if some new symptom rears its head, it will allow us to have it treated, and ultimately be a good thing.

****

Now the bad news. My friends who adopted will lose their baby tomorrow. This is just worst-case scenario and I am sure they are distraught. My heart breaks for them. It just makes me want to scream "Why, Lord?" This, combined with standing outside the abortion clinic this morning and watching girls go in (I was able to mutter, "We're praying for you" to a couple of them), just makes me tempted lose faith in this world. Why do such horrible things like this happen? Why does God allow it? Why does God intervene in some scenarios, but not others? I know, I know, God has a plan for my friends and this is part of it, as difficult as it is. And as for those who have abortions, God is able to work miracles in some cases, but perhaps in the others the women choose to reject him. That's the only thing I can come up with - that there is evil in this world and we have a choice to bring it into our lives or reject it. Or, we may not choose it at all, but others do, and it effects us. Evil is out there and until we meet God our Father in heaven, it will be a reality we have to deal with. May God give us strength to live in this fallen world!

Thank you all so much for your prayers for my friends. If possible, remember them today and also tomorrow, when they will have to give their precious baby back. May God heal them and hold them close to him.

I do have some good news, though. This morning a woman entered the clinic only to leave a little while later. Before she drove off, she pulled her car over to the volunteers for 40 Days for Life who were there at the time and rolled down her window. She told them she had changed her mind and wasn't going to have an abortion and thanked them. Amazing! God is so good and we rejoice in this news!

Unrelated stuff I needed to post about

• Friends of ours need your prayers. I posted about them a while back. Their ordeal is not yet over, and their hope dwindled dramatically a couple days ago. Without going too much into detail, it involves an adoption and possibly losing the baby. They need a miracle at this point. PLEASE keep them in your prayers, that God's will may be done and that He may hold them close to Him if things do not go in their favor. My friend is so strong and so faithful, and I just hope that she continues to see God in all of this if the worse does happen. It just makes me so upset that someone would have to go through infertility, then have this happen. It just doesn't seem right, but my friend is convinced it is still part of God's plan for her, no matter what happens. She is an inspiration to me. Thank you for any prayers you can offer for them.




• We had our infertility support group meeting yesterday and it was great! Two women came (plus me and my friend L), and it was really a chance to minister to others going through this struggle of infertility. Speaking with them also reminded me how blessed I am that I discovered the PPVI. There are so many women out there who are treated by a local ob/gyn, RE, or fertility specialist and are not getting the care they need and deserve. Not that all these doctors are bad, but I've just heard so many stories (and experienced it myself as well) of doctors doing the wrong tests, looking for the wrong things, or not looking for anything at all. Some women give up all hope of conceiving, or move on to ARTs, when there are actually things left to try! Not to mention sometimes the underlying disease needs to be treated whether you want to have children or not. If only NaProTechnology could be more widely known. It will be one day, God willing!



• The Mets season is over. We are in mourning here.




• The Bills are 4-0! Woo hoo! (But to show how upset we are about the Mets, the Mets' loss is determining our mood more than the Bills' win)




• Right now my cat is laying on me like a baby. He has to have his arms around me whenever he is laying on me (and he is ALWAYS laying on me). Putting his head on me isn't enough, he has to hold me with his little cat arm just like a human would. This often annoys me, but then I remember how friggin cute it is! (Okay, sorry, that was not one of my pre-determined bullet points!)



• I lose another pound. I'm up to 31.6 lost, 3.4 more to go. It took me over three weeks to lose this pound, mind you.




• Tonight while praying at the abortion clinic, I met a really pretty young woman who was also praying the same shift. We got talking at the end and somehow I ended up telling her that I was infertile (I swear I don't try to do this! The questions always lead me there and I don't hide it). It turns out she was adopted and talked to me all about adoption and her awesome experience with it. I, of course, think the Holy Spirit was involved in us talking for sure. I needed to hear from an adopted child that she loves her parents as if they were biologically related.

• I finally won an ebay auction for an Infant of Prague statue. In the past month I've lost a few auctions, found out one I ordered online was out of stock, and have just had the hardest time finding a statue. Everything kept going wrong! After statues I was bidding on and watching started going for over $200 I got nervous I'd never find one, but I won one tonight for only $40. And it's just like the ones that went for much more, and in great shape as far as I can tell. He's beautiful. I can't wait to have my Infant of Prague here to pray in front of! Now when the novena refers to Him, I will have something to gaze upon. I'll have to post pictures once it arrives.

Again, thanks so much for your prayers for my friends. Have a great Monday!

Ramblings

I'm bored. And I'm in a weird mood, so I will warn you this post might seem cranky and kind of stream-of-consciousness.

First of all, is it just me, or is no one updating their blogs any more? Ever since I put that new fancy blog list on the side of my blog, with the titles of the most recent posts on all of your blogs, it seems like they never change. It's like watching water boil! I'm a little obsessed, so if you care about me at all, please, PLEASE, update your blogs. Not that you're busy or anything. That's no excuse.

The debate just started. Why bother? Obama's people will say he won, McCain's people will say he won, and the liberal media will say Obama won. And honestly, I hate debating. I hate it in real life and I hate it in politics. I don't like conflict of any kind and I don't like the idea of listening to Obama for half of the time tonight. I guess I'll be doing a lot of yelling at my T.V. I'm flipping back and forth from the Mets game, so I'll DEFINITELY be yelling a lot at my T.V. If I was a drinker, I think I'd play a drinking game where you have to drink every time Obama says "uh." I'm pretty sure I'd end the night pretty wasted.

So my spotting yesterday happened one time only. I haven't seen any since yesterday afternoon. Today I had some cramping, nausea, and light-headedness.

On another topic (I told you this would be all over the place), I'm wondering if my cranky mood has been due to thinking about abortion a lot over the past few days. Praying in front of an abortion clinic kind of depresses me, to be honest. It forces me to think about this evil in a real, tangible way. It makes me so darn mad at the doctors and nurses inside. I also pray for them and really try to love them, but I can still be mad at them. And while I also pray and love the women going inside, as an infertile woman I'm mad at them too. And to be honest, I haven't even actually laid eyes on anyone there. A friend of mine has, since she goes early in the morning when the abortions are done, and I think I'm going to join her during her shift next week. I want to see them and be forced to confront it. I'm not sure how I'll react. I know I'll be nervous but hopefully sooner or later I'll get the chance to offer kind words to someone going inside or even pray with one of them. I'll keep you updated.

Back to the debate now, for an update: In my opinion, I think McCain is doing great so far. Sure, I am blogging and only half-listening, but McCain just seems so confident.

So we have an infertility support group meeting tomorrow morning. If you get a chance, please pray for us and for its success. We may actually get some people to attend tomorrow, so hopefully the group can really begin to grow. It's just so important to spread the message of the Church's beautiful teachings on assisted reproductive technologies, and I'm so thankful this group gives us a way to do it.

Speaking of the Church's teachings, I somehow came across a blog tonight that talked about how horrible the Catholic Church's teachings on IVF are. It fired me up. It was an old post and the many, many comments were full of bickering, although mainly they were just anti-Catholic rants. The Church is just so misunderstood on this topic. If people really took the time to investigate why IVF is not allowed, I think some of them (not all) might at least understand why the Church would take this stance; they might not agree with it, but they hopefully would see that it is rooted in a belief in preserving life (which begins at fertilization) and the sacredness of the marriage union. The teaching is not there to make us miserable, or because the Church thinks science is evil, or because it believes children conceived through IVF are abominations (this misconception comes up a lot). Quite the contrary! The Church cares deeply about all the lives created through IVF, so much so that the embryo's right to life is the precise reason (or one of the reasons) it has deemed IVF illicit.

I'll get off my soapbox now.

Alright, I guess I'll go watch the debate. You know how the cable networks have those audience reaction meters? If you hooked me up to a blood pressure machine while I watched, it would look similar. It'd be off the charts whenever Obama speaks. I know, I need to relax.