Last Tuesday was this blog's second birthday. If you had told me on Dec. 7, 2007 that I'd still be childless two years later, I probably would have needed to be committed to a psychiatric ward. As much as I think I'd like to know the future, thank God I didn't know this bit of information.
As unlikely as it may seem to others, I may very well be childless two years from today. I know that sounds rather pessimistic, especially since I have been on the adoption waiting list for nearly a year now, but I would have sounded just as pessimistic to say the same thing two years ago and yet I would have been right.
As many infertiles know, whenever we look to the future and think, "Well at least I'll have a child by (fill in date way in the future), since it's so far away...", those dates come and go and we're still without child. Of course, there are always exceptions to that rule; not all infertiles stay childless forever. But so far I have no reason to believe otherwise for myself.
So I'm not going to go out on a limb and say surely I will have a child when my blog turns four.
There is a very strong likelihood that two years from tonight I will be 34 (about to turn 35), childless, sitting at my computer, waiting for Ryan to get home from work. Just like tonight. Dreading yet another Christmas and birthday without a baby. Wondering if it the story will be the same two years from then.
It does me no good to worry about that, though, so I'll try not to. Only God knows what's ahead and I'm thankful for that.
Brothers and sisters:
Rejoice in the Lord always.
I shall say it again: rejoice!
Your kindness should be known to all.
The Lord is near.
Have no anxiety at all, but in everything,
by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving,
make your requests known to God.
Then the peace of God that surpasses all understanding
will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus. - Phil 4:4-7
Sunday, December 13, 2009
Happy belated birthday, blog
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteHappy Blogoversary!! :) I know how painful these milestones are. But I hope you realize how many lives you have touched with this blog. Your blog, more than any other, has reached women who have been silently suffering. Yours is like the "gateway blog" to the IF blogging world! The Lord has used you to reach so many other women and to touch their hearts. I hope this gives you a reason to rejoice today! xoxo :)
ReplyDeleteHappy Blogoversary!!!!
ReplyDeleteI know how tough it is to still be childless at a milestone like this. But the way I see it is that you have touched so many with your blog. Yours was the first Catholic blog that I found. I remember that first e-mail that I sent you and how much I cried (tears of relief!) that there was someone like me out there. It was through you that I met so many of the others!
I am so thankful for your blog, K. In so many ways it saved me from despair and feeling absolutely alone.
Happy anniversary! K, I know your blog has reached many a silent reader looking for a companion in this difficult IF journey. Although the knowledge of this doesnt' ease the pain of wanting a child, I know God has used you to reach out to hurting souls.
ReplyDeleteAnd BTW, I do the same thing to, especially at Christmas. I think that at the next Christmas, I'll have a baby in my arms or at least be a step closer to adoption. Because Christmas is such a celebrated holiday (whereas a birthday can be a more muted celebration), I fall into comparing one year to another.
Happy Blogoversary! You were the first Catholic IF blog and you're the reason that I contacted PPVI. Milestones are painful reminders of what we still don't have, but always remember how many people are out there praying for you.
ReplyDeleteHappy belated blogoversary, K! :) I'm so so thankful for it because who knows if we would have ever realized each other's journeys and become such good friends without it! What an amazing blessing that I came across that one night and realized I knew you.
ReplyDeleteI know you are an inspiration to many on the computer, but for me, you've been such a strong support in real life. Thank you for that. I seriously don't know what I would have done without you.
You are so strong and I can't wait for the day that your little one will come. Hoping and praying it is very, very soon. xo.
Happy Blogoversary- you have touched more people than you realize.
ReplyDeleteI'm going to petition your Secret Prayer Buddy to step up those prayers for you this week... you just sound so incredibly down, and on such a milestone anniversary for such a fantastic blog, there shouldn't be such disconnect between the tone of the blog author's writing and the TITLE of her blog :) :)
For the 3rd Sunday/week of Advent - - let's bring that HOPE back into your life, K!!
Happy Anniversary! I have been touched by your blog and I'm so glad that you post. I know I haven't been able to comment much recently, but know that I have been keeping you in prayer as I know you have had a particularly difficult past few months. Praying that this upcoming year turns out to be a great one for you!
ReplyDeleteThank you!
ReplyDeleteThank you for writing a blog that is honest and real. Thank you for showing your true colors, no matter how dark they may be in any given day.
You are inspirational even in the depths of pain and suffering. You have blessed me a million times over.
Thank you.
I can completely relate to your feelings and don't mind the 'pessimism' at all. It's realism in a way (not that I'm saying you won't have a baby in two years, but you know what I mean right?). I have felt that way before- truly trying to accept that I would never know motherhood via any avenue, and therefore certainly not willing to place on a date my receipt of this blessing. It's such an empty place to be, and I hope you aren't here very long. Sending bloggy love your way... :)
ReplyDeleteRe-try . . . I was way too tired & foggy last night to be commenting.
ReplyDeleteAnyway, I agree with previous commenters. Your blog is so honest and raw and has helped so many people. I am not good at expressing my feelings, but really relate to so much you are able to put into writing. I know that doesn't make you feel better and I hope and pray your baby comes to you soon.
On your last cycle: Weren't you trying kits & charting to compare and see your OV day? If so, how did that work out?
Ann - I wondered why you deleted it! Haha..
ReplyDeleteI have been doing the OPKs for the past few cycles, and I had u/s monitoring (if you want to call it that) for a couple cycles this fall, and it always seemed that when comparing u/s, mucus, bbt, and OPKs, there's like a two-four day window. The OPK is positive first (or not positive at all.. I am hoping it was really early and I missed it last cycle), then a day later the u/s would say I was ovulating, then a day or two later my bbt would rise, and then my I'd peak according to mucus. That worried me at first, but I've been told that is normal. Who knows!
K - The 2-4 day window sounds normal. I've always been told the ovulation is a 24-hour process, not a single 5 minute event.
ReplyDeleteNever pay attention to girl who doesn't take her own advice and opts to take prometrium while sitting at the computer instead right before going to bed. Haha.
I love Psalm 31, but haven't read it in a while. I picked it up last night after reading your post. . . and I just knew. It's funny how you can read a passage at different points in your life and it seems to speak to you in a different way. Living Word indeed. Anyway, it suits you.
I think you are one of the very first IF blogs that I connected with. I have prayed for you almost every single day since then, and won't stop praying.
ReplyDeleteOne of the benefits of being connected to a greater Catholic community is that they can hope FOR you when you have no hope left. And that is what we are all doing for you. We love you and KNOW there is something - scratch that - someone- that will come home to you...
Thank you for sharing your inmost thoughts with a bunch of strangers. You've made the painful journey of IF a little more bearable for me because I know I am not alone. I've printed out a number of your posts over the past couple of years so I can look back at them.
ReplyDeleteI see that you posted one of this past weekend's readings...it's also reassuring to know that no matter where someone lives, the Catholic mass is the same and we're all hearing the same message. I really related to this reading, too!
Once again, thank you for inspiring hope and providing perspective.
I don't know how much your blog has impacted my life, but it has been a tremendous blessing to me, my husband (because I have others to share all this with), and my marriage.
ReplyDeleteI have learned so much not just about infertility from you, but about hope, faith, and trust!
You talk alot about how is God using you right now and this is one way he is using you to reach out to the least of this world. I feel like the "least" in that I am sometimes overlooked because I don't fit in with all the mothers, etc.
I am thankful for you and your gift to our blogger community!
You are changing the world, one heart at a time. I am praying and I am still so very hopeful for you and Ryan! God is working, I just know He is!