Quick cycle update: Today is cycle day three. And I'm really confused. I got my period when I still had one Prometrium pill left to take. Shouldn't Prometrium extend the luteal phase, at least a little? Instead mine was the shortest it's been in a while, 11 days, despite the rest of my cycle seeming pretty text book. Does anyone know whether it is odd that my cycle ended before I finished the pills? Is that normal? My progesterone at peak +7 was 19.1, which is pretty good. I haven't gotten my peak +9 and 12 results yet.
In emotional news, I have been having a pretty tough time lately. I've been questioning what God wants for me. I hear all the time about how when you're on the right path, God opens all the necessary doors for you. Or He at least opens a door here and there. Well, when it comes to me being a mother, not one single door has opened since I've been married. They're locked, in fact. Sealed shut. Despite the fact that I've been banging on them and even trying to take them off the hinges. No matter what I do they don't budge.
I've seriously had not one indication in all these years that I'm actually supposed to be a mother. Think about it. I have had a tough time getting treatment. After singing their praises to everyone I know, I even fell through the cracks at PPVI! I get diagnosed with something new each year. I've had three surgeries. My endo came back.
I have not ever had even one positive pregnancy test. Never. Never, ever, ever conceived. At all.
Doors even continue to slam in my face when it comes to adoption. As soon as we get onto the waiting list, there are no babies at our agency. It's been 15 months since we started our homestudy. Next month it will be a year since we've been on the waiting list. As far as I know, not one birthmother has seen our profile. I even sent out a picture book last week to a home for pregnant women and the post office returned it, no forwarding address available. I wasn't surprised.
I've said probably 50 novenas. Prayed daily. Visited shrines. Begged and pleaded with God for a child. Begged and pleaded with a multitude of saints to ask God to give me a child. On any given day there are probably dozens of my family members and friends around the country petitioning God for that very same thing. There are people I have never met who pray for me daily.
And not one of those prayers has been answered with a "yes".
I'm not saying all of this to merely complain. I am citing it as evidence that perhaps all these closed doors are God's way of telling me that motherhood isn't for me. I mean, wouldn't He give me some kind of indication that I'm on the right track? But no. It's been a terrible struggle every step of the way. It's like I've been walking upstream for the past five and a half years.
And I know a lot of people believe that if they feel it in their heart, then being a mother must be their vocation. But just because I want something doesn't mean God wants it for me. I am far from perfect and wouldn't even begin to believe that my will is perfectly aligned with God's. Therefore, not everything I feel called to, no matter how deeply I desire it and feel I was born to do it, will be what God has planned for me.
Sure, motherhood is a noble and reasonable request, but so is becoming a priest or a nun, yet not everyone who thinks that vocation is for them is blessed with it. Men and women are sometimes turned away from the religious life because God may not have wanted it for them, as wonderful and needed as it is.
Yes, I want it more than anything in the world and my life will be miserable without it. But when do I start realizing that maybe God is trying to tell me something?
People are getting pregnant and adopting all around me. Fertiles, infertiles, you name it. And I remain stuck in the mud. Nothing changes for me. In fact, things only seem to get worse.
Is this a sign that I'm going down the wrong path? Is five and a half years of doors being shut in my face a sign that I'm trying to push being parents when that is clearly not what God wants? Is He closing doors in order to push me on the right path, a path which doesn't include children?
I don't know what God has in mind for me. And perhaps open and shut doors aren't the end all be all. Just because something is difficult doesn't mean it's not of God, right? Maybe I should read Job.
I guess my point is that I'm struggling with how to tell if God wants this vocation for me or if I want this vocation for me. The latter is definitely true. The former doesn't seem true at this point.
In the end, it really doesn't matter if I ever figure out what God wants, because what God wants will happen, end of story. If I'm not mean to be a mother, I won't be. And if I am, I will.
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
Confused
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With regards to the prometrium, when I was on it a couple years ago I started my period too early (1/2 way through the med course). My doc (at the time) at Tepey.ac said that was atypical and took me off of it asap. I'd let your doc know about the atypical bleeding. Hope this helps!
ReplyDeletei can't tell you enough how you are not alone in all this - i have had EVERY thought you describe, and completely understand how you feel, from the never, ever conceiving to the trying to figure out if i'm forcing my will over God's.
ReplyDeletei even had my husband read your last post, and he commented on how similar our journeys are - he asked if i was going to comment! how funny the husbands are.. i think he's as glad as i am that i found the Catholic IF bloggers.
we will figure out God's will for us... i just wish there was some glaring sign!...but that would be too easy and not part of the journey.
prayers for you.
I have felt all these things before as well. It isn’t enough that the thing you want is holy; it also has to be according to God’s will. My father went to seminary to discern his vocation, but in the end it wasn’t what he was called to do. I think about that a lot and how it relates to me and my confusion/struggle for motherhood vocation. I know he must have struggled in that regard much the same way I/we struggle.
ReplyDeleteI don’t know God’s answer (obviously), but it seems to be “no, for now.” It isn’t definite, but it’s definite enough to know that for today at least, I have to find some other way to be of service.
And you know from my comments on your last post that my “service” today will NOT be in the form of prometrium advice. It has me all confused!
Well, I can't say I've been through every step of the journey that you're on. Mine has been different, but some of the statements you've made resonate with me too. I hope that as things continue, I'll be able to handle them with as much grace and dignity as you have. So far, I'm not there. I'm very stubborn. It's been so helpful to read your experiences, though.
ReplyDeleteI've been thinking a lot about this since we talked yesterday. You are married and you desire to be a mother, so it will happen. I know it is hard to believe, especially since nothing is happening right now and all the doors are being closed before your eyes, but your desire for motherhood is on your heart for a reason. And the reason is that it will happen. This makes me think about St. Therese who wanted to be a nun and all the priests and even her bishop told her no. Did that cause her to question her vocation? No. When the timing was right, it happened.
ReplyDeleteDoctors told me I'd never conceive and then enduring a failed adoption certainly made me question if I was really supposed to be a mother or if God just wanted me to be a good teacher and live my vocation that way. That didn't settle right in my mind/heart.
I know each of our paths are different and we are all taken down different twists and turns throughout the journey. All I can think is that maybe God wants you to be like St. Therese right now- you have to fight for it. You have been fighting, but now maybe you are supposed to take it up a notch...Maybe he wants you to take those foster care classes, put in the time to research and change agencies, send a simple Dear Birthmother letter with one picture to every adoption attorney in the state and ask the lawyer to work with you, call PPVI and tell them what happened and how you fell through the cracks, when you see your new doctor in January tell him you've received unsatisfactory care and you will not leave his office until you get clear answers...these are just things that are coming to mind, but my point is don't give up. Keep working hard, praying, and it will happen!
Wow, I didn't mean for that to be that long! Haha! :)
ReplyDeleteI agree with GIMH to the T, everything she said is perfect.
ReplyDeleteI agree with GIMH. The truth is that you are were God wants you to be right now. I know it is so frustrating to hear that. I am praying for you!
ReplyDelete(((K))) Praying for you right now. This post is especially touching to me right now because I practically could've written it myself. 5 years ttc, every door seeming to be closed or slammed on us both in treatments and adoption. I've been meaning to re-study Job, too... haven't read it as an adult and since dealing with this IF. I have another (IF) friend who recommended these podcasts on Job meeting Jesus; they're not Catholic-based and I haven't listened to them yet but I'm going to. Here's the link: http://www.calvaryabq.org/services.asp#search=series&id=36&type=ajax
ReplyDeleteGIMH's comment was excellent! And Job is definitely good for the questioning soul, so reading that might help you feel better about accepting the good AND the bad from the Lord. That being said, what has helped me deal with this time before God blesses us with children is continually asking God how He would have me use this time. The things I've immersed myself in (e.g., volunteering at the pregnancy center, actively praising God for our marriage) that (hopefully) glorify God have taken the focus off of me and put it back on my desire to live God's plan for me each day. God's plan for me today is not to be playing with an infant- it is working hard so we can be in the best possible financial position when our baby comes and preparing (with lots of joy!) to go Christmas shopping with my dear sister tomorrow! Sure, I'd rather be playing with my baby, but that is not God's plan for me right now. I struggle daily with specific discernment as far as what exactly IS God's plan for my life, but sometimes I get overwhelmed asking to see His whole plan. I find much more comfort in living out His plan TODAY with as much joy as possible and knowing that His eventual plan is so much better than anything I can ever imagine!!
ReplyDeleteChasing - That is interesting because my doctor at Tep.eyac just told me today (through a nurse) that it's normal. Granted, I didn't start as soon as you did, but I still want more of an explanation. I'm tired of being told everything is normal.. not having high prog. on Prometrium is "normal", a shorter luteal phase than normal on Prometrium is "normal", starting my cycle early is "normal". Ugh!
ReplyDeleteAnd thanks everyone for your thoughts.. but I go back to my assertion that just because I think something is on my heart doesn't mean He wants it for me. I'm sure there are millions of women in history who believed deeply they were mean to be mothers but they were never blessed in that way. And there are millions of women who believe doing IVF is on their hearts, and as Catholics we don't believe that is the right thing to do. My heart is not pure, so as a sinner I don't trust my heart.
I know what you mean. I wanted to be a mother desperately. I've tried to distance myself from that feeling because I just cannot bear the disappointment. But while I haven't had quite the run you've had (getting that book sent back is something else!), I can certainly see that I'm getting further, not closer, to motherhood as the years go by. My first set of treating doctors found twice as many problems as they even mentioned to me and I didn't learn about them for years. I took time off from treatment to pray and wait for God and I got sicker and my prayers were unanswered. Finally I sought treatment because my symptoms were awful and (despite the fact that my doctor claims this is impossible) an ordinary HSG got rid of most or all of my previously healthy CM. Then I listened to Dr. L about doing tamoxifen before surgery, and it caused hydrosalpinx in my one good tube. She didn't seem at all surprised and said it was probably a result of the tamoxifen. If she had told me it was a risk of the tamoxifen I would NEVER HAVE TAKEN IT. She never mentioned it. Since my surgery, three cycles have been more screwed up than any in my entire life. I've tried to pursue good health in good faith. Every good thing I've done, prudently and for the right reasons, has made my life worse and compromised my fertility further. I just don't feel that there's any reason for me to believe God is calling me to be a mother. If He is, He has chosen a very peculiar way to do so.
ReplyDeleteGIMH's comment is great. I'm sorry that you are feeling so confused and unsure. I'd say if you are taking prometrium and starting your period early that they need to change you to put you on a different kind of progesterone support.
ReplyDeleteAlthough I am not Catholic and do believe IVF is acceptable, I totally understan dyour feelings today. We just finished our second IVF and no baby. Heartbroken doesnt even begin to explain it. But as I try to hold firm to my faith and know that the Lord's timing is perfect, I struggle also to align MY will to HIS. You are not alone on this journey, and my prayers are with you! I really wnjoy your insight.
ReplyDeletehttp://sweetnessandme.blogspot.com
Hmm. I've been just thinking and thinking and thinking about all this. I think you are on to something, K, just because we desire something doesn't mean it is God's Will....and yet God has promised to give us the desires of our hearts...There is truth in both of those statements, somehow. I need to think/pray about this more, but I think my next blog post is going to be on this.
ReplyDeleteThat being said, no matter what, God is doing something big with you, K...the world may never see it, you may not see it entirely until heaven, but I have no doubt that the Holy Spirit is doing something beautiful with you. The honesty of your posts and your willingness to strive to be totally His...not to mention the whole mystical experience at adoration with that woman...yep. God is doing something. And I am glad you have a blog so I can watch! :)
I hear what you're saying. I agree: just because we feel something deeply in our hearts doesn't mean it's actually in God's plan for us. I think there must be some sort of balance. How do we discern what God really wants from us and embrace that as best we can, but not deny the fact that our hearts prompt us towards something different (and even good and holy) that may not be in the plan. How do we accept and indeed learn to love God's will, while still holding onto hope and the idea that we are His children and He also wants to fill the desires of our hearts? Somehow we can find peace and still maintain hope for our good and holy desires. I just don't know how, but I wanted to affirm your feelings. :)
ReplyDeleteK~
ReplyDeleteSomeone once told me "God never says 'no' if you have a pure intention. He either says 'yes,' 'not now,' or 'I have a better idea.'"
My husband and I were where you guys are last year at this time. I was very frustrating, but I let it all go. I went out and found a new job and God called us to attempt to adopt my niece (long story) and that adoption failed this summer. Had we still been consumed with TTC we never would have pursued the potential adoption.
Maybe God is calling you to something else. I know how hard it is to think about, but think about changing something in your life. Find a new job? Take on a leadership role with a volunteer organization? Volunteer at a crisis nursery or a non-profit day care center? Something. When you get busy with other things He will start to heal your heart and slowly start to show you the way to parenthood. I changed my prayer a year ago from "Dear Lord, send me a baby" to "Guide me on the path to parenthood" and it's made a big difference in how I view our Infertility. It's still been a long 3 1/2 years and at 37 I'm VERY frustrated with the length of time it's taking, but I'm in a much better place.
I don't know if that helped or not... You're in my thoughts and prayers.
I don't think your body was responding well to the prometrium in oral form. Your P+7 should have been much higher than 19, otherwise. Maybe you need to take it vaginally.
ReplyDeleteThis post really made me pause... because it's the exact same situation over here. Every time I think I'm "healing" 1 diagnosis, Bam, another huge one pops up. Clearly God doesn't want us to adopt. At least, not now. And it would seem He doesn't want us to conceive, either. Am I fighting His will?
But I don't know about that. I've always felt like motherhood is my goal, not pregnancy. I've just always wanted to know in my heart that I've done everything I could do to restore my HEALTH and fertility before stopping TTC and never looking back. I know I will have peace with my IF someday, but only on that day when I know I've given it my all.
So, I really look at the "TTC" as a mission to get my body to the way God designed it to be and to work. And if it still doesn't work after all of that (which it's looking like may come to pass), then I'll know pg was not intended for me. I'm ok with that.
I'm not so sure I'm ok with adoption not being intended for us, either, though. But I have to stop being so pessimistic and realize that even if it takes ten years, we WILL become home study approved someday, somewhere, somehow. And after that, it's only a matter of time. The time is the worst part, as you know.
But I FIRMLY believe adoption IS a calling from God. So, if you are not being chosen by any bmoms right now (or, rather, there are no bmoms available TO choose you), it only means that NOW is not your time. Not that God doesn't want you to be a mother. I really, really, really believe that K. He would not have called you to adopt otherwise. And no, not all IFers just naturally steer into adoption one day. I have a client couple who was infertile for 10+ yrs, and finally stopped TTC in their late 30s to live childless lives. They are mid-40s now.
Childless living is a calling, too. But you got the other call. And now you're on hold :) And the music sucks. And they keep telling you, "Your call is very important to us, please stay on the line."
So, please, K. Stay on the line :) Your call will be answered in the order in which it was received!!
PS, GIMH, I just wrote that SAME EXACT THING about St Therese in my last post, lol!! Great minds, eh?
ReplyDeleteTCIE - I LOVE your line about being on hold! And the music really does suck! That was a good analogy and very true. Although we all know one thing is for sure.. calls are NOT answered in the order they are received! Haha!
ReplyDeleteYeah, I kinda fibbed about that one :)
ReplyDeleteI was thinking more about this while watching the claymation Rudolph (haha!) - and I really don't think God decides some people will just be divinely sterilized so that they are "lead" to the path He decides He wants for them. It just makes no sense as to why others, then, DO get pg so easily, by "accident," and with no rhyme or reason.
But more importantly... DH just discovered something at the end of Rudolph (during the credits) and we're still rofloao about it!! You know when they're flying in the sleigh, and the elf is releasing all of the misfit toys out of the bag, and giving them umbrellas for the way down? Well, he neglects to give the BIRD an umbrella (b/c it's a bird), but the bird doesn't fly, it swims!!! Hahahahaha... he murdered the bird!!! Just tossed him right over the edge of the sleigh!!
I'm sorry, I just had to share! Hope that cheered you up!
I've been thinking and thinking about this post of yours. I think you're absolutely right that if it's not God's will, no matter how strong, holy and/or noble a desire is, the plain fact is that we are at the mercy of God's plan.
ReplyDeleteHow His plan can be at such painful odds with our own is a mystery.
But perhaps God is not so much saying "no" to you...but rather maybe He's asking you to modify what your asking...to open your heart to a child(ren) different that what you have in mind. A different age, a different race, different needs.
I can't pretend to know what you and your DH are already open to and it's a completely personal and delicate decision to weigh all the options available. We're not all called or equally equipped to parent every last child that is in need of a home.
But I know that I had to experience a transformation in my own way of thinking...and I had to work very hard for a long time at a job that I hated in order finance our two adoptions. Then on top of all that, we ended up with an extremely difficult and nearly disrupted adoption experience. Until we got home with him, I questioned why God even had me meet and marry my DH and thought sure I had missed a call to the vocation of the religious life.
My point--and I have the benefit of hindsight here--is that God had a completely different family in mind for us. Our path to parenthood just took a very long time and involved a lot more drama, pain and patience than other parents we knew...adoptive or otherwise.
These girls have summed it up good.
ReplyDeleteI guess in my situation I to have felt that motherhood might not be what God wants. But if it isn't what He wants, I just don't believe it.
Why would the on fire burning desire be there if it wasn't from Him.
I don't know what will happen in my situation and I can't quite understand why we are pursuing fostercare at this time. Why all of this somehow seemss to be the right path to be on. probably because I'm focused on something more then my lousy chart and that is exhilirating!
There are many statements that you hear from "other" people that you can't foster babies etc. And I didn't want to concentrate on that negativity because know one knows what God has in store for our path.
When I talked to the sw yesterday she said that our age group was perfect and that they need parents for all ages.
Go and look on the adoptuskids.org website. You already have the homestudy and you are available to get more information from them! You will fall in love. And if that sibling group I fell in love with does nothing more then provide me the drive to plow through the muck, then they served a great purpose in my life. I have no idea if we would consider fostering to adopt them. We are not at that stage. But those babies faces burned a fire in me that made me stand up and say this is what we are doing until the door slams in our face. :)
Oh and going to see the movie Blindside helped tremendously! I think that got both me and my DH softened to be open to this. We saw the movie saturday and on Tuesday I called social services.
But you have the homestudy done and the classes are simple. You are already ahead of the game. You could be licensed by January or February.
We have learned through our IF that these children are not ours, that they are Gods. So whatever he chooses to do with them while they are in our care, moving them or whatever, we are serving God, not the state. And while that is easy for me to say not being in the system and seeing the injustice that we hear about. We can not be afraid of that.
I do not believe for you that you are not meant to be a mother. I don't believe it at all. Maybe His vision of motherhood is different for you then what you think.
Life is worth fighting for and I think possibly we need to come to that point.
I told my friend yesterday, that God is a great God of miralces, but He isn't pounding on my door to give me miracles. So I'm going to find Him in trust that the desire He put on my heart is from Him. And you know what if it isn't, then I won't be able to get through Ft. Knox. But I'm going to put up a fight because in the end I feel like I'm fighting the evil one that has gone in and destroyed the mother of these babies.
K your desire hasn't died in 5 years. You are meant to be a mother.
http://www.dss.virginia.gov/localagency/
http://www.ci.richmond.va.us/departments/socialservices/
I drop in from time to time to read your blog, and I can't tell you enough how you are not alone in your journey. You summed it up wonderfully at the end of your post. If it is in God's plan for you, it will happen, regardless of the time it takes to get there.
ReplyDeleteI attended Cursillo (a movement within the catholic church) right in the middle of my infertility journey and the pieces I learned about praciticing my faith have helped me survive our journey of infertility and now the wait for adoption. I'm not saying that any one thing is the answer. For me, I gained the tools for the journey, and with those tools, I hope to keep faith filled heart until His plan is revealed.
I have been discerning this since my first miscarriage and that was over 9 years ago. In nine years the desire to be a mother has not gone away. I have asked for it to be taken away if it was not from God, but it has just gotten stronger over time. God has opened my heart through grace, not closed it. He has not closed my heart, so I will not close myself off from him. I think that he gave us this strong desire for a great purpose.
ReplyDeleteThe world tells us to move on, let go . . . but we have not been made for the world - we were made for God's purpose. I was reminded of this on the Feast of the Immaculate Conception. Can you imagine the joy of Ann? Some days I just dream about what it is that God could be making us wait for and what magnificent purpose he will have for our child.
Now given all of those flowery words on waiting, it has been completely miserable waiting this month. My grief has been overwhelming, my fear & my sorrow seem never ending. At this one moment, I have hope. A rare ray of sunlight :)
Please know that I am praying for you all, it seems like this storm will never pass but I am praying that it will!!!!!!!!!
On last thought about doors being opened.
When were lost in trying to figure out how to improve my health and build our family, we got a offer from a woman I knew through church who had been trained as a Creighton Model instructor to teach us the method and make a referral for us to Dr. H. She had not taught it in many years because no one in our region was open to learn anything other than sympto-thermal. She moved here from another part of the country many years ago. She said that in prayer, she was told to offer us the opportunity to learn it. She said that God just kept putting it on her heart to make that path available to us. We really had no idea what we were getting into, but one door after another starting to open up and I was so drawn to adoption. I had given up on my body ever being better. Now looking back on it all, two surgeries later and one pregnancy (all be it a terrible loss) I am thankful. I am thankful for health, for obedience on that woman's part to listen to what God placed on her heart, and I am thankful that one more soul was created to glorify God. I actually feel kind of hypocrital here sounding hopeful and thankful because I cried off and on all day when no one was around me at the office :(
While I was waiting to have a surgery done, I had a magnificent revelation one day where God revealed to me that there were souls waiting for us to be ready for them, waiting to be known by us. If was at that time, I was finally able to whole heartedly seek medical care and sometimes I wonder was Nicky the soul we were meant to wait for and help create and can we now move on to adoption or is there more souls that God has in mind for us to help co-create? That being said, it is so hard to be at God's disposal, isn't it? I know that we are meant to carry our cross with a sense of joy that comes in knowing that our future home is heaven, but it is just so hard to let go of our bitterness and sadness, at least it is for me.
I've learned that God's timing is perfect though not always easy. We tried to have a biological child for four years (including one miscarriage at 5 months) before we applied to adopt and it took almost four years after that before our daughter came home. At that point, we had been married over 8 years.It took almost six years after that for our second child to come home and our third child (our first son's biological brother) was a complete surprise three years later. I know that this is how God planned our lives to be. I'm not trying to discourage you here; I'm hopeful that you won't have to wait that long. The waiting was very difficult, but I can look back now and see that God had other plans for us during that time when we were waiting and that we were able to help others in ways that we would never had been able to do if we had had our own children at the time. Perhaps our dear Lord has other plans for you while you are waiting too. A prayer going up for your peace..
ReplyDelete