Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Anger

First, I just wanted to thank you all for your prayers that I asked for on my last post. Mom and baby are doing great. Baby Eric will be in the NICU for several more weeks, as can be expected in situations like this, but is doing well. So again, thank you!

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I've been angry lately.

It's like this uncontrollable rage inside of me that spews from my mouth in the direction of (usually) my husband and (sometimes) my babies. Things that should be small issues, handled delicately, with a soft voice instead become the BIGGEST PROBLEM OF ALL TIME.

I see it happening. I feel the tension build in my mind. I'm just going to bring it up, I tell myself, because then I'll feel better. It won't be a huge issue, I lie.

And then, like clockwork, I sound mean and snotty and all hell breaks loose. Probably also because it's not the one time I rudely pointed something out, but the fifteenth time that morning.

With the kids, I hear my strained voice when I yell their name. I feel it when I pick Clara up to carry her to time out. I'm short and mean.

I'd love to blame it on PMS. Or, at this point, I should probably call it just general "hormones." Unless I go with a four-week-long PMS. I guess I can take my pick.

Or, I could blame it on the whole state of affairs in this country. This has been my personal preference for blame on most days. Even one liberal status update on Facebook can send me into a tailspin. Or the news. Or television shows. Don't even get me started. I had to turn SNL off the other night and vowed to never watch again. I make a vow like that at least once a week and they rarely hold. But it's really getting to me, as it should because it's our faith, our country, our children's future, precious unborn babies being murdered every day. But as horrible as all that is, I can't let it control my home life, you know? And I don't think Jesus wants it to cause me to yell at my husband about how he doesn't sweep the floor right (oh, yes I have). I'll gladly accept any tips on finding a healthy way to compartmentalize this.

Sometimes I wonder if this is how I'm subconsciously dealing with secondary infertility. It's so different from before. Instead of having sadness and despair, it's causing me anxiety. I'm on edge. Maybe that's turning into emotional outbursts directed at the ones I love.

I could also try to blame it on the fact that Clara's been sick for more than a week and now I am too. And Clara was sick a few weeks ago too, which means she wasn't sleeping through the night for the better part of a month. Clara waking up means Luke sometimes waking up, which means both parents up (that's not counting Luke's first waking, which happens every night around 9 or 10). And Clara's just crazy when she wakes in the night. Inconsolable. Speaking of inconsolable, she's been like that during the day lately too, which the doctor says is from her being sick. I hope so. If this is the start of the true Terrible Two's then I think I'll need a therapist.

I got in a fight with my iphone the other day. No, really. I even picked it for no reason. I didn't even need Siri's help, but I randomly decided to tell her that she never, ever helps me (she doesn't). I told her Apple needs to make her work better. And that if I wanted to google something, then I'd just do that in the first place.

After a little back and forth, it ended with her telling me she was sorry she let me down. I apologized, too, for getting so upset.

When I told Ryan that story he immediately asked why I apologized to her, when I rarely do to him. Because her apology was just so sincere, I said. She was sorry she let me down. I think I really needed to hear that.

So, clearly, I have a problem. Ryan doesn't deserve it, and my kids definitely don't. And I think while all of the reasons I list may contribute to my anger, it's really all my fault.

If I was smarter and more introspective, this would be the part of the post where I explain why it's all my fault, which would likely have something to do with pride and my relationship with God. But, I'm not, so instead I'll say this: I'm going to spend the next 40 days trying to figure it out.

And not just figuring out why I'm angry - because does that really matter? - but, rather, how I can be not angry.

And "not angry" is not the opposite of happy. Because I'm extremely happy. I'm happy, joyful, I have fun. I just have outbursts of anger. I turn the heat unnecessarily up. I have a difficult time controlling myself.

So I hope and pray that I can get it under control. I'm going to eliminate some of the obvious causes, like Facebook. I'm going to give my children more attention by not having my phone in the room with us. I'm going to start going to Adoration once again. I'm going to even call my doctor and ask for another form of progesterone (hello, 8-day luteal phase) since I can't handle prometrium.

And I'm going to use my best Mrs. Duggar-voice, and not just with the kids. I'm going to try at least once a day to let something go, not tell my husband what he did wrong, or forgot to do. And then maybe I'll build up each week to two, or three things a day. Sometimes I pretend I'm a nun who's good at stuff like that. Is that weird?

And I'm going to blog. I'm fasting from Facebook, but not the internet in general. And if I'm not on there, I'll want to be on here more. But the good thing about that is we only have a desktop, so I can only do it at night when the kids are in bed. Maybe I'll report weekly about how I'm doing, what amazing insight is sure to come to me in Adoration (why was I gone so long? That could be my whole problem right there), and how I'm hopefully becoming less angry.

And if you have any advice, please share. My family will thank you :)

37 comments:

  1. We need to chat:) No, really. You perfectly described how I've felt often the last few months. Not unhappy, very happy actually. But mean, and grumpy and not enjoying my children at ALL! I've got some major SAD going on and on my second cycle since having Nelson and feel all jacked up. I feel like I want to run away from my family! Email me if you want to vent:) magdasmom@gmail.com

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  2. I have been the same way for a few months. I don't get it. I hate the way I feel, sound and deal with my emotions with it. I thought mine was really really bad PMS but does turning 32 really change my entire "cycle" and make me feel like a loose canon? If so... what will 40 be like for me?! Thanks for sharing and your honest feelings, glad to know I'm not angry alone :)

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  3. I am giving up FB for similar reasons. I have been really angry lately as well at my family. I need to sleep and pray more and realize the little things that set me off are not the big things I imagine them to be but it's so hard. I enjoy reading your blog though I don't blog myself. THanks for your reflections.

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  4. Hey, you're not the only one trying to control anger amid screaming toddlers and terrible sleep. :) I am dreading Ash Wednesday's fasting tomorrow and caring for a teething toddler. Still, anger needs to be controlled. I find that monthly confession helps me a ton. My hubby even notices when I let confession go (6 weeks plus). Good luck!

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  5. No advice, just wanted you to know that I'll be praying for you.

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  6. Anger is my standard response to infertility and has been for many years. Several years ago I realized it had gotten so bad that I was almost beyond the point of being able to control it. I used to be patient with, say, slow people in the grocery store, and it had gone from easy to be patient to possible to be patient with an effort of will to impossible to feel patient but possible not to glare to unable to restrain the glaring to unable to restrain the muttering under the breath to a day when I was seconds away from ramming a woman with my cart before I realized what I was doing and stopped. I was pretty horrified.

    The anger as a general phenomenon I haven't sorted out or conquered or anything. It has definitely gotten better (prayer [some] helped; spiritual direction helped; blogging helped; sometimes it gets worse again, sometimes better). But the thing I realized was that when I was rigorously honest with myself, the worst of the anger is grief and self-loathing - the ranting in my head at the people I IMAGINE will say something awful because it's what I really think about myself, and the inability to be patient with the flaws of others (improper sweeping technique, for example) because the weight of grief under which I was already walking around was crushing. I wouldn't know about secondary infertility, but maybe it's the same sort of thing.

    Good luck on your quest to investigate and conquer the rage.

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  7. I think you just described me to a T. ..it's the worst feeling ever. I too believe secondary infertility is playing a mean, subconscious role in it all. Can't wait to hear how it gets better

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  8. I would recommend a book. I will text you tomorrow hope I remember :) For me I start my day saying EVERYTHING is my job. My husband and I are very traditional so I do all housework and he brings home the bacon. That being said IF he chooses to do something, I'm THANKFUL because that is not his job. He goes to work for 12 hours a day, really hard hours so I can stay home and yes deal with a sometimes screaming baby (teething) and dirty clothes, sweeping the floor, vacuuming carpets and washing dishes... I keep asking myself if I want his job? the answer is always NO so I won't ask him to do mine. I also control how I think. This is a major family problem where we are very negative in our THOUGHTS...when I keep my thoughts positive ( thankful for what my dh DOES not what he doesn't do) strive to SERVE instead of thinking about myself, my wants....allowing myself to be selfish. when I'm selfish wanting things for ME is when I get grumpy, angry and mean. :) praying for you.

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  9. I'm a long time reader and I think I may have posted a long time ago. I struggled with infertility and once we adopted and also had bio kids, I couldn't believe how angry I would get. We tried so hard for kids and now I was angry at them all the time? My reasons were varied but in the end, not justifiable. I read a book that helped by a Christian author called Defuse, by Karol Ladd that definitely helped me. Also a lot of prayer! Plus I put a sign on my wall that says, "Abide in Him." By beginning my day asking God to help me remain in communion with Him (and continuing to pray throughout the day when I felt I was going to lose it), I found it really helps. Anger still creeps up but it's not as frequent. Praying for you and united in this cross!

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  10. Remember that post when you wrote about how your doctor suggested you occasionally get out without the kids and you told her you had absolutely no desire to do that?? Perhaps it's time to revisit that advice?

    I know that when I have not had any alone time without my kids (as much as I love them), I loose all patience with them. Perhaps you could have someone keep them and get out for a few hours on your own?? I was **THRILLED** to be at Target by myself for an hour and a half earlier this week- it doesn't take much but just being able to worry about NOTHING but myself helped me so much!!!

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  11. I think you'll like this article by Simcha Fisher:
    http://www.ncregister.com/blog/simcha-fisher/fight-globally-be-at-peace-locally/

    And I second Jamie's advice-maybe being apart and really missing your kiddos will give you more patience for them. It's worth a try.

    And I love your honesty. I think your honesty is a really, really great start.

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  12. Praying for you - giving up FB is a great idea - taking time to be present to your children instead of letting the phone rule your life is also a great idea. Letting yourself stop trying to reach perfection (now there's a thought!), and realizing that you need to STOP, BREATH, and PRAY(Jesus I trust in You)when you are on a roll; before you speak to your husband and children will make for a nicer life for all of you.

    I wish I knew then what I know now - the time DOES pass all too quickly and our children remember most our angry words, because they imply we are out of control and it scares them. It is okay to be human - okay to take the time to recognize that they are just itty bitty and really are not meaning to annoy the heck out of you ... and your husband, well, men are sometimes annoying as all get out - but they don't mean to be.

    Enjoy Lent - I am looking forward to some of your great blogging ... (I am giving up FB for the second time...)

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  13. You are obviously not alone!! It's comforting to know I'm not alone either.:) These days I'm feeling very unbalanced. I can't figure out if it's thyroid, hormones, etc. I felt myself being very irritable with my little one this morning and it made me sad. I need better hormones!! I hope Lent brings you peace. Happy that you will be blogging more. I relate so much to your posts!

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  14. It's been a rough couple of months. My children have felt it, unfortunately. I just went to confession on Saturday and I already need to go back (having to do with my mouth, my foul, ugly mouth, and my children).

    Sigh. Let's make this a good Lent!

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  15. I understand exactly what you are saying and I think the fatigue of it all Clara being sick is at the heart of the matter.

    And, I will tell you that I have found the two's to be a tiring time that is anxiety provoking and tiring in a whole different way than when they are babies....

    So, I HAD to figure out how to give myself some rest at this stage because the two year old stage is ALL ABOUT colds, and bumping and yes, asserting their little wills which IS SO TIRING and they want to do everything BY THEMSELVES which means it is so much harder and trying to get through the day. So patience becomes a premium...I don't find the reaction of anger to be worrisome at all in light of THIS!

    ANd, the anger of secondary IF...both the tension of having your blessings and wanting another...it is such a difficult tension...it is SO HARD to explain to others.

    Yes, we all blame and yell at our husbands more than we want to. For me I just tell him if and when I do so its just the crazy female thing and for him NEVER to take it personally NEVER because he is an awesome man and husband and I am the weak one.

    But, thankfully my husband and yours too know that deep down inside our anger is just a by product of being home for long long stretches with little ones...and having our patience tested around the clock by the realities of the demands of homelife.

    Why is it like this? Because when you go outside to work you actually have your own space and time and a whole lot more freedom than the person at home. So it is just a by-product of being a caretaker.

    Still, no excuse right? We have to find ways to take care of ourselves and take a break so we are the joyfilled peaceful and patient moms we WANT TO BE.

    I like the confession idea, too!

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  16. Agree about facebook. So many of my friends and family have the most painfully stupid thoughts/posts. i.e. My uncle just posted a pic the other day of Clinton meeting JFK. I wanted to tear into Clinton, JFK, AND my uncle right there on fb. I deserve to be angry if I'm going to continue using that stupid site, really.

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  17. I just wanted to add a suggestion. Do you like getting out in the morning? Is there somewhere SIMPLE you can go to, like an easy to get to bakery with good seating? Because I have found that getting out helps me so much and it knocks the wind out of the sails of my 2 1/2 year old enough to make the day go so much easier.


    NO pressure. It doesn't have to be "daily mass" ha to be good enough.

    It could also be a quick walk to the post box down the street!

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  18. Oh, you are such a passionate person - and I am so sure this is the very thing your hubby and kids ADORE about you. I am pretty passionate too. (For the record, you would HATE some of my fb updates - I think it's awesome that I have become "friends" with so many of you beautiful moms in this Catholic circle - because if you really knew me, all of me, you might not let me in:)). Anyway, that said, from what I have studied in my reflective practice, and in personality theory, the anger is a part of how you experience the world. I also go straight to anger, always. What I learned is that it doesn't help to say "I'm going to stop being angry" because it is a piece of who we are. It's about accepting yourself, ALL of you, and then being thoughtful each time you notice the anger bubble up - you decide to do it differently each time. And then, over time, with practice, you can notice the anger but not react to it - it doesn't control you. I have found that people who try to "stop the anger" (or any emotion they have) are not successful - because they are denying a part of who they are. It is about acceptance, then choice. And - the "why" IS important in allowing yourself acceptance. You are beautiful - ALL of you. Start there. Thinking of you!

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  19. I have these phases too... where the anger is so awful and I am so mean. :( I feel so ashamed when I snip and yell and say hurtful things. Control... that word runs through my mind. Where is my *control.*??? Sometimes, I find it works to literally force myself not to talk. I give myself permission to BOIL on the inside but do not allow myself to speak a word, knowing it will pass. But there has to be a better way to find true peace, right?

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  20. Karey, thank you for being so honest. I have been feeling this way lately as well. Scared of dealing with secondary IF and going through the motions all over again. Frustrated with my husband not doing things the "right way." I am taking Sew's advice to do a full blood work up and hormone panel when I see my doctor. I don't know why I've been putting it off.

    But I also think it comes with being a mother to two very young children, especially when they are not feeling well. It's tough for you right now but it will get better.

    I am taking your advice and just letting things go and reminding myself that if I want it done a certain way then I should do it myself or keep my mouth closed about it. Easier said than done I know.

    Oh and I feel you on the sickness that never seems to end. We're all battling bad sore throats and high fevers after being sick with colds just last week. This week it's a viral infection and all I can think is I hope it passes through this house before Saturday or we have to cancel the twin's birthday party.

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  21. Thank you all for your comments! I definitely take comfort in knowing I'm not alone in this :) I want to respond to some, mainly so I can work through your advice and some of the things that may help me...

    First, Brenda - I will email you! I hadn't thought about SAD, but I think that's something I deal with every year if I really think about it.

    Percolating Petals - Great advice, I need to go to confession more! I'm ALWAYS confessing being angry with my husband. My constant confession used to be infertility-related jealousy .. and now it's anger. I always seem to have that one big sin I can't seem to shake! Yikes!

    Misfit - Yes, self-loathing.. I think that is might be something at the root of my anger. I had forgotten about that. But that's a post for another time...

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  22. Barbie - You gave me a lot to think about and I think I'm going to start looking at anything that R does to help me as just that - help. I can't get mad at help, because it's a generous gift on his part and I can't look a gift horse in the mouth. It's a bit different with us because he is home every day until two and often does help me when I'm not feeling well, or I'm busy with one of the kids, or running errands. And I don't really ever ask him to.. I actually had to get over my pride and let him help out. But again, he's helping me with MY job. I've already put these thoughts into action today, so thank you! :)

    A&R - I'm going to look up that book. And I love "Abide in Him". Thanks!

    Jamie - I LOVE it when you guys use my past posts to shed light on something I'm dealing with! This is why I need a blog.. because I couldn't see those connections on my own! :) And yes, I think I do need to revisit that. Even this Sunday, I had the option to go to Mass alone because Clara was sick and R and I went to different Masses. But instead, I took Luke for "company." Big mistake. Instead of having an opportunity to actually listen for once, and then run errands by myself afterwards, I chased him at church and then made my errands 5x harder. All because I'm afraid to be alone :( I'm slowly learning to get over that!

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  23. Yep, could have written this post. Boy do I struggle with anger! Its my biggest sin. I'd say it probably means I also really struggle with pride. That was even hard to type so its definitely true.

    First, I'd like to say, and this does NOT justify losing our temper at home, but I'd like to say, that I think we are in kind of a difficult phase of mothering, where we have to do every single thing for our babies. Yes they are still more like babies to me. The toddler years are all about destroying things, pulling things off shelves never to put them back, pulling the toilet paper off the roll then walking away, stealing dogfood bowls and dumping them throughout the house, and generally wrecking a house. (okay so I am projecting a tad here). But its just so hard to live in a home where you have two kids so young like we both do.

    Again, thats no excuse. But let's concede its just plain hard.

    I am really, really trying to draw closer to God this Lent because I think if I am closer to Him, He will give me perspective, a sense of humor, and a more acute sense of how fleeting these "tender years" are.

    I am so embarrassed when I think back to how many times I've lost it on my husband or kiddos. It aint pretty.

    Accidents or mistakes are one thing, but willful and blatant disobedience, well, that really gets to me, especially when it involves the destruction of property or a huge mess. Ahh ... .I digress again.

    Lord, help us. Help us to cherish our families because they are your gifts to us. I don't have the answers but I know Jesus does. I will be praying for you this Lent!

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  24. Kaitlin - Haven't checked it yet, but the title alone makes me excited :)

    Chimakuni - Oh, I LOVE "Jesus, I trust in you." I needed that reminder. And the thought of my anger showing them I'm out of control and scaring them.. well, that might be enough right there to make me stop. THANK YOU!

    Marissa - Exactly. I was knowingly choosing to allow a stress-inducing activity in my life. I would look at things like that and my blood pressure would rise. So the obvious thing to do is get off! Although it is SO hard. Good thing we have Lent ;)

    Little JoAnn - Thank you so much for your words. I need to hear that. And R is home in the mornings, so I could get out.. and maybe more often with a kid so to tire them out. We were doing that before sickness struck. I'm starting to think a lot of this might be sickness related.

    Faith - You gave me a lot to think about too! You're right - the "why" is important. I guess I was thinking of the "why" as more of the "what".. as in "what specific circumstance made me angry?" But why I'm angry, in general, I should get to the bottom of. And I like the idea of choosing to not react to the anger. And don't worry.. my most liberal facebook friends are my relatives and I still love them! You're always welcome "in" :) :)

    And Sarah - I am seriously going to use that. I am going to actually picture myself boiling inside (I'm very visual!) and allow myself that, and then not let it out verbally. Thanks!

    TW - Happy early birthday to the twins! Oh, I'm praying you get to have the party!

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  25. So glad that a lot of the Mom's and other wonderful Catholic ladies have crappy days too. Honestly, I was surprised to see so many women I "know" saying the same thing. Leila, TW, Kaitlin....all of them in my mind are near perfect:) So hearing them say they have the same issues is sooooo helpful.

    And SAD. I get it big time. The sun is out today and I am in a much better mood! My sister swears by this light therapy box she uses:)

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  26. So... everyone has such great suggestions. So... to be on the light side... I'm glad you and your iPhone made it. Apologizing is a big step for Siri. :) And I admit... I'm sure I would yell at my phone too.

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  27. Jenny - Ha! I love your hesitancy to lighten the mood ;) And you should have heard her tone.. she was dejected. I felt terrible.

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  28. I can't believe you just summed up my last week! In a nut shell. Like Life Hopes said, this phase in our lives with 2 little ones so close in age and so dependent on us for everything it is overwhelming. It is easy for our emotions to get out of control because of sleep deprivation and little time for our selves.
    My husband and I need to share the housework and parenting. I don't feel bad when I ask for help. I CAN'T do it alone. I didn't decide to grow our family alone. It was a mutual decision and thus we share the struggle together. I think it leads to depression and marriage issues when the mother/wife takes on all the burden from home. Does it make sense that mothers should work 24/7 but fathers get to work 12 hour days? NOPE! We both work 24/7. My husband works 12 hours out of the home per day in order to provide for our family. I work those 12 hours alone to care for our children and home. Then, we work together the rest of the time.

    I am not saying this is going to fix your anger problem. I just don't want you to feel bad about asking R for help when you need it! You are a team!

    Praying for you! I hope this Lent brings so much spiritual growth for the both of us!

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  29. Never underestimate those hormones..... ;)

    Don't smack me! ;)-

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  30. I'm there too! I want to have a bumper sticker that says" I used to think I was a good person until I had children."

    This is part of the gift. Your sins stick you in the face because they affect the ones you love. I'm an angry jerk right now because of pregnancy, toddlerhood and the the " horrible eights".

    So don't be stunned of scandalized by your behavior. If it was easy to have Irish twins everyone would do it. Just because these precious kids took five years to come doesn't mean your going to perfectly love them every second.

    Pray for His strength. Let yourself grow into this Job.

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  31. The virtue you are looking for is affibility. The ability to not let your feelings affect those around you. This is big, this is what the monks and nuns work on. Your in good company!

    Ready to meet you for a Lenten recharge at the national shrine whenever you are!

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  32. Ahh! My first comment got deleted. I'm struggling with being an angry jerk too! Didn't want you to think I have it figured out yet!

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  33. I'm there too! I want to have a bumper sticker that says" I used to think I was a good person until I had children."

    This is part of the gift. Your sins stick you in the face because they affect the ones you love. I'm an angry jerk right now because of pregnancy, toddlerhood and the the " horrible eights".

    So don't be stunned of scandalized by your behavior. If it was easy to have Irish twins everyone would do it. Just because these precious kids took five years to come doesn't mean your going to perfectly love them every second.

    Pray for His strength. Let yourself grow into this Job.

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  34. I'm sorry you're battling anger right now, K. First, keep in mind that its temporary. This too shall pass. Second, for me that kind of painfully obvious irritability is a huge red flag for hormonal imbalance. For me anyway. So I agree with Sew here. Those darned hormones! And finally, something to consider might be unplugging from tv for awhile andseeing if that helps. At least while the kids are awake. Its a major anxiety producer for me and I'm much calmer when its not on. But those are my triggers. I hope you find yours so you can squash your anger soon! I'll be praying for you!.

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  35. You know what, it's a great season to look at this. God's grace will be abundant I'm sure. :) I have struggled in the past with some anger-related issues, like resentment. Oh, and of course there's difficulty, possibly a subconscious refusal, to forgive. I think this will be a fruitful Lent for all of us. Prayers for you!

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  36. I can leave a comment today because it's a snow day here in Northern Illinois! I've been doing an anger management program with my Catholic counselor for the past few months. I only have one child at home, but I'm a second grade teacher and I found myself lashing out at my students at least once a day (and I'm known for being the 'touchy feely' teacher!) and my poor DH and DS more than I'd like to admit. I've learned lots through this program and I'm still putting into practice what I've learned- meaning, I still lash out, but the frequency is much less. First of all, I was never taught how to deal with anger and it is a skill that needs to be learned. Here's what she taught me:
    1- Rate your anger from 1-10. Whenever you get to a 3, stop what you are doing and calm down. Take a time out (at school, I have the kids put their heads down and I do too. at home, I go in the bedroom- it might be hard to do this with toddlers. Put on a video? Put them in cribs/playpens and go to a quiet room?). Wait until you are calm. She taught me deep breathing techniques and relaxation techniques.
    2- Look at beliefs and values that could cause your anger and reframe them. A few of mine were, "My students should follow my directions," and "I work so hard and things are still disorganized and a mess. It shouldn't be this way" Any 'should' statements are dangerous. I even realized that I say "should" all the time in my speech. It's a process in discovering and changing these underlying beliefs. Now I'm trying to say, "We live in a fallen world. Jesus has it covered" when I find myself expecting perfection.
    3- Prevention is key- Being rested (which is hard in your case ;)), eating well and exercising helps. I am on a strict bedtime schedule and if I need a nap, I take it. I go to bed even if the kitchen is a mess or laundry is sitting ripe in the washer. It's just a priority now. Also, I take 2 10 minute walks a day. That helps immensely. I think Sew is right, this could be caused by hormones. What happened with me is that my anger stemmed from not knowing how to handle it along with hormones and then it became a nasty habit. I really believe many of our worst habits start out as adaptations for what's happening physically.
    4- This isn't part of the program, but The Serenity Prayer has helped me immensely. I say the whole text, not just the famous first three lines. I also quote it to my family and kids when frustration is creeping in. "Hardship is a pathway to peace" and "taking, as He did, this world as it is, not as I would have it" are particularly helpful.

    Of course there's more, but I've already hogged up the comment box!! I love your honesty- thanks for sharing. With God's help, you are going to figure it out. You are also in the hardest parenting years (at least I think so;)) even though they are joyous years. God Bless You AYWH!!!

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  37. Well I will jump on the hormone train - those suckers really can mess with us. I naturally default to anger when a) I am hot - as in sweaty, LOL and b) I am exhausted and someone makes a mess. That happens a lot with 3 young kids. I think that kind of exasperated-angry shows up in us moms, and we can work to minimize it. (LOVE the last comment!!) BUT when I was last pregnant, it was off the charts, like a monster took over my body - so scary and I was apologizing daily... I literally wanted to break plates. It wasn't the real me! There is anger and then there is ANGER. Yes, we have to deal with it, but that experience convinced me that we sometimes are at the mercy of our chemistry, and that self-loathing is misplaced. It's not really something you can "decide" to quit. In my case it was gone like magic after the birth. (My poor baby turned out to be so sweet and loving, it amazes me! And my family seems to have forgiven me too.) My point is, absolutely try the wonderful suggestions here - I am taking notes - but if it's still a problem, possibly talk to the endo and see if they have some ideas too. Whacked-out hormones might be the culprit.

    My biggest concern, for me and anyone, is that as the kids get older, they consider angry responses to be normal and even though they don't especially like it, they kind of default to that as well. My oldest is 9 and sort of a cranky one, so I do hear that echo sometimes... we can easily turn into a yelling, angry-sounding family even though we are close and loving. Just thinking aloud and anxious to try some of the wise thoughts people have shared here. Thank you so much for facing this topic, K. Hoping everyone starts feeling better there and the days are a little easier for you all!!

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