Questions

I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow to go over my adrenal test results. We'll talk about that, but, of course, we'll also talk about everything else as well.

My appointment is at 8:30 a.m. and that will require us to drive north on I-95 during rush hour in Northern Virginia. I know, it's nuts. We're leaving at 5:30, which will leave twice as much time as it normally takes to get there, but we'll still need prayers. I'm just hoping it goes smoothly.

So I am using this post to come up with questions for him, because I always do better when I have prepared questions. I am forcing myself do this because I really do think all of this is silly. A big waste of time. But here goes...

1) What were my adrenal results and what can I do, if anything, to fix them? What about cortisone?

2) What does he think about the other doctor saying I don't need surgery right away?

3) I didn't have left-side pain (the reason we started considering surgery) this month, except around peak day. What could that mean? Could the Tamoxifen have been aggravating something? (But it did hurt prior to starting Tamoxifen last fall)

4) If we are going to wait a couple months for surgery, can I just schedule it now?

5) What about injectables?

6) What are his thoughts on me seeing an RE to do a couple rounds of injectables with close monitoring? (I am more than 1 1/2 hours from his office, so even if he did want to monitor my cycle, it wouldn't make sense logistically)

7) What is wrong with me?

8) Is there anything he recommends for the depression?

9) This might sound random, but I have new hair growth around my hair line, mainly by my temples, where I previously had a receded hair line (it wasn't really receding, my permanent hair line has always looked this way). Does this mean anything? (I just noticed this recently.. I have TONS of new, short, wavy hair! I think it might even make my hair line less weird looking! I know hair growth means something, so I want to know what)

10) To continue with random questions, I constantly have the feeling of fluid in my left ear. Does this mean anything? (I've read it could have something to do with thyroid)

So that's it. I'm torn because I really feel like this is pointless. I just don't know how much longer I continue to pretend that a doctor is going to somehow miraculously fix me. I used to love doctors appointments. Now I dread them because I go despite what I know in my heart.

I am asking #8 for my husband's sake. I know there is no answer. Well, there is, but it apparently is not part of the plan for us.

When I was laying out today (I know it's not good for you, but I feel like at least the sunlight may help my depression), I tried to think what my image of God was like right now. I decided that to me, he isn't that loving Father I always hear about, but rather he is like that teacher or boss who, no matter how hard I try, just doesn't like me. He likes everyone else, but gives me a hard time and, despite my best efforts, I can't seem to change his mind. I've had coaches, managers, bosses like that in the past. Haha.. maybe it's me!

I know that is a very sad image. I know that is not how we're supposed to think of God, but I am just being honest.

I am begging for his grace. Even though it feels as if he has completely and utterly abandoned me, I still hold out hope that one day he will remember me and help me find a way to deal with this sorrow. That is all I can hope for at this point - that some day it won't hurt as much.

I need to end this post because everything I write I end up erasing. If I just wrote from my heart you'd all have me committed.