It's cycle day one.
Whatever. Another month, another cycle. Another reminder that I'm barren.
Seriously, it's not good enough that we can't conceive and have to deal with this every waking second. No, we have to have a monthly slap in the face blatantly reminding us of what we already knew. Just in case you forgot for a split second...you're not pregnant and here is the proof. Hahaha!
I put in a call to my doctor's office today to see what he decided to do with me this cycle - double the dose of Tamoxifen like planned, or give me a trigger shot like I asked for (I haven't heard back yet). Would I still take the Tamoxifen if I do the shot? I understand so little about all of this.
I go back and forth on this. One second I'm all into figuring out what treatment I should do, and the next second I snap back into reality and remember that this is all fruitless. Why bother? Why on earth am I spending time trying to get a result that I know isn't going to happen?
I'm trying to be good. I'm trying to be patient. But, really, what I am being patient for? I'm not patiently awaiting a pregnancy. Oh no. That would be so easy compared to this. What I'm patiently awaiting is a future where I'll find out if I'll ever have a pregnancy. And that answer might not come for many, many years. I guess I'll know for sure when I hit menopause!
Ugh. I'm sick of being a broken record. Reading this must be getting old for all of you, too.
On a positive note, I wasn't exhausted today. Could be the hydrocortisone! I woke up right away this morning at 7:45 to take it, and I had gone to bed at 3 a.m. (we drove overnight to my in-laws)! I don't know if this was a good test though, because when you're out of your normal routine, you might not feel as tired or depressed as usual. So we'll see in the next few days.
Oh, and our car was an easy fix! Woo hoo! $250 is all (normally that would be a lot for us, but not compared to what we thought - it is worth fixing and saving the car). Thanks be to God!!
Monday, July 20, 2009
My monthly slap in the face
It's cycle day one.