Monday, July 20, 2009

My monthly slap in the face

It's cycle day one.

Whatever. Another month, another cycle. Another reminder that I'm barren.

Seriously, it's not good enough that we can't conceive and have to deal with this every waking second. No, we have to have a monthly slap in the face blatantly reminding us of what we already knew. Just in case you forgot for a split second...you're not pregnant and here is the proof. Hahaha!

I put in a call to my doctor's office today to see what he decided to do with me this cycle - double the dose of Tamoxifen like planned, or give me a trigger shot like I asked for (I haven't heard back yet). Would I still take the Tamoxifen if I do the shot? I understand so little about all of this.

I go back and forth on this. One second I'm all into figuring out what treatment I should do, and the next second I snap back into reality and remember that this is all fruitless. Why bother? Why on earth am I spending time trying to get a result that I know isn't going to happen?

I'm trying to be good. I'm trying to be patient. But, really, what I am being patient for? I'm not patiently awaiting a pregnancy. Oh no. That would be so easy compared to this. What I'm patiently awaiting is a future where I'll find out if I'll ever have a pregnancy. And that answer might not come for many, many years. I guess I'll know for sure when I hit menopause!

Ugh. I'm sick of being a broken record. Reading this must be getting old for all of you, too.

On a positive note, I wasn't exhausted today. Could be the hydrocortisone! I woke up right away this morning at 7:45 to take it, and I had gone to bed at 3 a.m. (we drove overnight to my in-laws)! I don't know if this was a good test though, because when you're out of your normal routine, you might not feel as tired or depressed as usual. So we'll see in the next few days.

Oh, and our car was an easy fix! Woo hoo! $250 is all (normally that would be a lot for us, but not compared to what we thought - it is worth fixing and saving the car). Thanks be to God!!

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13 comments:

  1. So sorry about the new cycle. Ugh. It just sucks. There's no other way to put it.

    I am glad that you're taking the new medication. Feeling better is going to be a big step for you!! And I'm glad to hear that your car situation wasn't worse!

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  2. Sorry about the new cycle. I hope you continue to feel good on your new meds. It's great that your car was a (relatively) inexpensive fix.

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  3. stupid AF! i thought that being AF free for three months was going to help me relax, instead all i can think of is, "we can't even try this month!" how sad.

    i hope and pray that the new meds will help. i'm so hopeful that the cortisone will help.

    i'm so glad that the car didn't cost thousands to fix! what a relief!

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  4. I am so sorry about the cycle. It blows!!!!!!!

    I would think you would use the Tamox. and then use the trigger shot!

    Yay for the car! I was so worried about that expense for you!

    Glad you are not exhausted! That is absolutely fantastic!

    I hope you get the trigger and double dose of meds. Good way to throw the kitchen sink at it! :) I think it's one of the best ways to go! :)

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  5. So sorry, K! :( I hope Dr. B gets back to you about a new plan this month. Suck-a-roo is all I can say.

    Thank goodness about your car! I was so worried! The Camry lives on!

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  6. thinking of you!
    Very glad your car was able to be fixed, I was about to post a "you can do it" note. I had to be "forced" into driving a standard, and nearly had a breakdown in the Kroger parking lot.
    :)

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  7. Hey hon, I've been way MIA (conference and internet went down)... but just briefly skimmed your last few posts and wanted to let you know I *think* you should up your hydrocort intake. Dr. Hilgers has me on 20 mgs per day, 4 tabs of 5 mg tablets. My numbers were not even as depressed as yours. Due to my skimming, maybe I missed something but I thought I saw that you were only taking 2 5 mg tablets?

    Maybe this is something you'll want to do directly with Dr. H... he's the one who has done all the latest research on it.

    I'm sorry about the start of your new cycle. I'm feeling mighty depressed lately, too... for fertility AND adoption reasons. (Just read a blog of someone who literally just started thinking about adoption, and was already hooked up with a birthmom who's due in a few months. All before her HS is even conducted. And we've been in the adoption process since January... with no end to the HS in sight.)

    Sigh. Deep breath. We'll get through this. Can't wait to see you in a week and a half!

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  10. I'm so sorry.
    My life is a broken record, too, not that it makes you feel any better.
    Any chance of seeing you guys this trip?

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  12. K, You don't sounds like a broken record. Every cycle is different in its own way...especially when trying different med.s. I hope your time with R's family is relaxing. AS for the tamox.(Sp?) and trigger shot, will you let me know if your allowed to do that. I know Dr. H. won't let me mix Hydrocort, clomid, and HCG because of over-stimulation (I am guessing he means the overies). I am having a hard time listening to him about it.
    That is great news about the car. I am so happy to hear you got it fixed!
    Praying fo r you K!
    ~Amber

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  13. TCIE - Yes, I am on 10 mg a day (two 5 mg pills). My doctor actually said he starts lower because too much hc can also cause infertility, since it is a delicate balance with the hormones. I am assuming I'll end up increasing it at some point though, since I am so freakishly low!! My doctor actually is really good with adrenal stuff, so I'm so lucky. He just happens to be good at treating basically everything I have! (Not that that has gotten my pregnant yet though)

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