Brand new outlook

I've really been blessed this week. I had barely begun my attempt at staying positive when the Holy Spirit really spoke to me.

I'm not sure where to begin, so I'll start with this - I now know some things to be true:

1) I must seek God first and foremost.

2) I must love God and praise God as much as is possible right now.

3) He gives us what we need at the right time.

4) God is never unrighteous.

5) I do not deserve anything.

It all started when I hit pretty close to rock bottom last week. It wasn't the first time, and may not be the last, but I was sick of it. I hate feeling that way and didn't want to accept that I had to. And I didn't do anything special or different this time, other than cry out to God that I desperately needed his help like I always do.

By late last week, I had begun to feel like God was calling me - challenging me, even - to be positive. Well, that was the last thing I wanted to hear. But I felt the nudge, every time I talked about infertility, every time I wrote a blog post.

Then this Sunday, we happened to go to a different Mass than normal due to some scheduling conflicts. It turned out we heard a homily that really spoke to me, and if we'd gone to our normal Mass we wouldn't have heard it.

Our priest preached all about that day's psalm - Psalm 145.

It's kind of funny, because when I heard the responsorial psalm - about God giving us our meat in due season - I scoffed. "Sure," I thought. "But what about those of us who wait and then never get our meat?"

But the homily was all about how that psalm related to unanswered prayer, in particular, St. Augustine's sermons on the topic. I almost cried! A couple days later, I found St. Augustine's writings, the very same stuff our priest referenced, online.

It. is. amazing.

I tried to read it at home to no avail. I'm usually unable to focus enough to read anything, let alone something written hundreds of years ago. So I printed it out, took it to adoration, and prayed before the Blessed Sacrament, asking the Holy Spirit to help me understand the words.

I read the actual psalm first, then the commentary.

Well, wow. Not only was I able to get past all the "thees" and "thous", but I was able to really let it sink into my heart.

First, I love, love, LOVE St. Augustine. Not that I've discovered anything new here! But, as I said before, I'm not a big reader, so I had never actually read anything he'd written before.

Second, it was as if a lightning bolt hit me as I read this. It immediately all came into focus.

I was in such rough shape. I really was. I was focused on one thing and one thing only - getting pregnant. Not being a mother. Not being a good wife, neighbor, friend. Not being a good child of God. And definitely not on praising him. I was angry at God. I thought I deserved something that he saw fit to dole out to everyone else in the world. I knew that I would make a good mother now and didn't know why God hadn't figured that out yet. He was behind. He was wrong. He was unfair. And he wasn't shaping up to be the God everyone always talked about...you know, the God of a little thing we call the Bible.

I was spinning my wheels. I was digging them in deep because I didn't want to be happy. If I let God see that I was happy, then he'd think I was okay. And I wasn't okay without a pregnancy. I was going to live my life miserable, because I knew that a pregnancy was the only way I'd find joy.

I knew. I was smarter. I had figured it all out.

I was embarrassed when I realized how wrong I was. I needed to be praising God through all of this. I'm not worthy of anything in and of myself, God gives me worth. I don't deserve a pregnancy.

I need to love God, pregnancy or no pregnancy. I need to love him now, in this place and time, so that I don't love him because of a pregnancy. My love for him should not fluctuate based on my answered prayers.

I need to seek him in truth, which means seeking him, and not his gifts. Not what he can do for me.

I realized I had been asking a question before I did anything spiritually - 'will this help me to get pregnant?'. That needed to stop. My praise of God, my prayer, saying the rosary, visiting shrines - it all needs to be because I love him, not because I think it will lead to some magical end. I wasn't seeking him in truth.

I need to seek him, without wondering if what I'm doing will suddenly convince him to bless me with a pregnancy. I need to seek him as if there will be no pregnancy, because only he knows if there will be.

I need to stay positive - not because it's a means to an end, that somehow having hope that I'll be pregnant one day will cause me to become pregnant - but because we all need to be positive as children of God. I need to hope because I love him, because I hope in him.

At Mass on Tuesday, I heard him telling me to open my heart to love more. That surprised me because I didn't know that was even one of my issues, but I immediately saw that it was.

And, since it seems to be a theme in this sermon, I need to praise him, praise him, praise him.

I will write much more on St. Augustine's sermon on Psalm 145 in the coming days. Right now I need to pack for a weekend trip with a few other bloggers (which I'm sure I'll have a lot to write about as well). But for now, I will leave you with this...a couple passages from the writing that opened my eyes to the truth (he references the line from the psalm first):

"The eyes of all hope upon Thee, and Thou givest them food in due season" (ver 15). Just as when thou refreshest a sick man in due season, when he ought to receive, then Thou givest, and what he ought to receive, that Thou givest. Sometimes then men long, and he giveth not: he who tendeth, knoweth the time to give. Wherefore say I this, brethren? Lest any one be faint, if perchance he hath not been heard, when making some righteous request of God. For when he maketh any unrighteous request, he is heard to his punishment: but when making some righteous request of God, if perchance he have not been heard, let him not be down-hearted, let him not faint, let his eyes wait for the food, which He giveth in due season. When He giveth not, He therefore giveth not, lest that which He giveth do harm. ..."Thou givest them meat in due season."

For many call upon Him, but not in truth. They seek something else from Him, but seek not Himself... Thou hast desired all these things of Him: I beseech thee desire of Him Himself also."

Oh, St. Augustine is so good! I'm excited to read more!

Thank you, Dear Lord, for giving me this insight. You once again have pulled me out of despair. I give you all the glory!