I am sad to report that I am now officially despairing. I just feel like everything is a big mess and nothing is going right at the moment. And what makes it worse is that I'm trying SO hard. I'm trying so hard to trust God. I'm trying so hard to lose weight. Speaking of weight, I've gained back about five pounds. It makes no sense. I'm following the diet, exercising, and still nothing. I've been trying to figure out if I'm doing something wrong, but it doesn't appear that I am. I also am EXHAUSTED and I thought the point of this diet is that you start to have energy. Not me.
Interestingly enough, I'm really not upset that I'm not pregnant this month. Perhaps that is because there has never been any chance I would be. Well, not since the first few months after my honeymoon way back in 2004 (there still was no chance then, but at least I didn't know it yet). So I'm not upset about that. I'm more upset in general. I just don't know if I'm crazy for not giving up yet. I'm trying to remember what my new doctor told me, that he thinks it's possible to get me ovulating and then pregnant. I'm trying to hold on to that, but it's tough.
I hate these times when everything bad in your life rushes to the forefront and invades your every thought. I can handle bad things when I have something positive going on in my life, but when everything looks dismal, I crumble. That is what is happening now. I feel sick, incredibly achy, tired, I am not losing weight despite a strict diet, I have no purpose in life, no apparent future, and I have no kids at age 31 and may never have any. Those are the thoughts playing on repeat in my brain.
I know I shouldn't feel sorry for myself, and I know this is the devil at work. I just fight it off so much that sometimes I get tired and give in. And to be honest, it's not like I've cried about it or anything, so that's an improvement over my former life. I use to cry constantly. I said a Rosary this morning to ward off the bad attitude, but then I just beat myself up because I don't know all the mysteries by heart at the moment. Maybe I'll study them today.
I really believe this sadness is due to hormones. I know God is with me and is helping me carry the cross. I know this would be much worse without him. I just need some extra help today, God. Something to brighten my mood. And I need patience, because we will know so much more at my next doctor's appointment, which is now just about three weeks away. In the meantime, I need to stay positive and not let this get the best of me. It could be much worse. There is hope, even if I can't see it right now.