I am sad to report that I am now officially despairing. I just feel like everything is a big mess and nothing is going right at the moment. And what makes it worse is that I'm trying SO hard. I'm trying so hard to trust God. I'm trying so hard to lose weight. Speaking of weight, I've gained back about five pounds. It makes no sense. I'm following the diet, exercising, and still nothing. I've been trying to figure out if I'm doing something wrong, but it doesn't appear that I am. I also am EXHAUSTED and I thought the point of this diet is that you start to have energy. Not me.
Interestingly enough, I'm really not upset that I'm not pregnant this month. Perhaps that is because there has never been any chance I would be. Well, not since the first few months after my honeymoon way back in 2004 (there still was no chance then, but at least I didn't know it yet). So I'm not upset about that. I'm more upset in general. I just don't know if I'm crazy for not giving up yet. I'm trying to remember what my new doctor told me, that he thinks it's possible to get me ovulating and then pregnant. I'm trying to hold on to that, but it's tough.
I hate these times when everything bad in your life rushes to the forefront and invades your every thought. I can handle bad things when I have something positive going on in my life, but when everything looks dismal, I crumble. That is what is happening now. I feel sick, incredibly achy, tired, I am not losing weight despite a strict diet, I have no purpose in life, no apparent future, and I have no kids at age 31 and may never have any. Those are the thoughts playing on repeat in my brain.
I know I shouldn't feel sorry for myself, and I know this is the devil at work. I just fight it off so much that sometimes I get tired and give in. And to be honest, it's not like I've cried about it or anything, so that's an improvement over my former life. I use to cry constantly. I said a Rosary this morning to ward off the bad attitude, but then I just beat myself up because I don't know all the mysteries by heart at the moment. Maybe I'll study them today.
I really believe this sadness is due to hormones. I know God is with me and is helping me carry the cross. I know this would be much worse without him. I just need some extra help today, God. Something to brighten my mood. And I need patience, because we will know so much more at my next doctor's appointment, which is now just about three weeks away. In the meantime, I need to stay positive and not let this get the best of me. It could be much worse. There is hope, even if I can't see it right now.
I know you trust God and He is with you.
ReplyDeleteThis is not easy though, and it is real. I think it's ok to be where you are in this moment, to feel the pain, to feel tired and worn out. Sometimes allowing yourself to curl up with a blanket and shed tears into Jesus' hands is just what He wants and is relieving. I know Mary and her Son are holding you close. The desire in your heart to be a mother will not be in vain or forgotten. It's hard to say "yes" to His plan sometimes, but I know God is sanctifying others through your struggle. I will continue to pray, most especially for your peace right now.
You are such a special, prayerful woman of God.
I've been following your blog for a while now...don't know how I found it. Probably browsing blogs with endometriosis themes. But I was surprised to see Belle Isle! I saw Virginia - but I didn't know you were so close. We're in the very southern edge of Chesterfield County.
ReplyDeleteI can't say I've been where you are exactly. Or that I know just what you're going through. But I did want to say I'm listening and I will keep praying - not just for the pregnancy and/or children you want, but for the peace of God which surpasses all understanding. Especially in the moments when you find yourself despairing.
It's so hard when Godly plans (like motherhood) aren't God's plans at the moment.
*praying*
I am so very very sorry, my dear friend...
ReplyDeleteI am sorry that you are feeling so miserable...I truly hope that by the time you read this comment of mine, you have picked yourself up.
This is one thing I hate about IF - every month is an emotional roller coaster for us....
BUT, I do think the wt gain is water retention/ PMS related. Couple days before, during, and after my period, I will have wt gain of 2-3kgs, so gang in there.
Tske care!
Wow, are we twins this month or what?
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry for the "lull" you're experiencing right now. And despite my trying-to-be-cheerful blog earlier, I definately get in those moods more often than I'd like to admit. Keep praying, I think at the very least it helps to calm the nerves. And as you know, no prayer is left unanswered.
To answer your question, yup, two days of spotting would belong to the NEXT cycle (so, 1st day of spotting would be cycle day 1). 3 or more days of spotting belong to the previous cycle. If unsure how many days it will be, start charting on the previous line then move the observations down if need be (much easier than moving everything up and starting over again on the next line).
Yeah, I'm a little confused about the low progesterone, too. I would have thought (and hoped) that my hormones would be in BETTER shape after the surgery. I'm not looking forward to more cycles of hCG injections. Besides the annoying pregnancy symptoms they give me, it's never covered by my insurance, so it's hard to keep shelling out for them when there's no end in sight, no what I mean?
Well, anyway hon, I hope we both have better days tomorrow. You and your husband remain in my prayers.
So I just went back and read your saga from March... ugggh, that must have been so hard, I'm so sorry :(
ReplyDeleteBUT, I did notice that you wrote: "I already had an ice cream sundae to celebrate my non-pregnancy." Did you know that ice cream, and other high fat or full fat milk products are supposed to be really good for ovulatory dysfunctions?? It's in the book "The Fertility Diet" and there have been other articles published about it, too (I wrote a blog about the book, I highly recommend it! The book, not my blog, haha!)
Just thought I'd share... I have a celebratory ice cream about once every 2 days pre-Peak!!
That's hysterical about ice cream! (although with the amount I eat, you'd think I'd have wonderful ovaries)
ReplyDeleteAs a matter of fact I was just considering giving up my low-fat no-sugar-added vanilla ice cream since I'm frustrated with my lack of weight loss (although it is allowed on my diet), but I am now taking your comment as a sign that I should continue eating it. I'll do it for my ovaries!
There ya go! :)
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