So it's cycle day 13, and I have now had five days of peak-type mucus. Yesterday it was definitely the most peakish yet (and, yes, that is a word. I googled it). I know, day 12 is kind of early for that, but who knows. A couple of other interesting facts to point out - once again this cycle went straight from red stickers to white stickers (or, for those not familiar with Creighton, peak-type mucus immediately followed my period). And, last night I had some pretty bad abdominal pain. I'm not sure what that's all about, but I was thinking maybe my ovaries are actually gonna spit out an egg. I heard that can hurt. And maybe even more so when they haven't done it in, like, a decade?
I have no idea if I will ovulate so soon (and by 'so soon' I don't mean cycle day 12, but rather before any new medication is introduced in the months ahead), but anything is possible with God!
Speaking of that, I came across a Scripture passage that use to trouble me. Because I was not in a good place, I saw it is a quick fix, and when that did not work, I grew angry with God. Here it is:
"Truly I tell you, if you say to this mountain, 'Be taken up and thrown into the sea,' and if you do not doubt in your heart, but believe that what you say will come to pass, it will be done for you. So I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours." (Mark 11:23-24)
I believe my faith has evolved due to infertility (it should be constantly evolving) and I look at this passage very differently now. First of all, it use to excite me as an opportunity for.. what, I'm not sure. Maybe voodoo? Some magical fix? I always thought something like, 'Yes! This is where it gets fun. This is what I've been wading through all that boring Scripture for! The heck with all those life lessons and stuff about loving and trusting God. I want that thing I've been asking you for.. now!' Then it angered me because well, we all know mountains have never been thrown into the sea (not counting earthquakes, I guess). And I did have doubt in my heart and I definitely did not fully believe that what I asked for would come to pass. I was testing God on this whole answered prayer thing. I wanted it now and grew very impatient, even angry, with him when it didn't happen immediately.
Years later I realized, though, that having faith means believing it will come to pass even when God doesn't allow you to be pregnant that very month, and holding on to that belief. It's about changing your heart to truly trust him and love him. It's not a quick-fix, but, it may be. It all depends on his time. That passage doesn't talk about how quickly the mountain will be moved.
This is a touchy subject, because I know that for some, pregnancy will never be in their future. And that isn't a testament to how good they are at praying, or how faithful they are. But I believe those women, if they truly trust in the Lord, would say years later that God has taken care of them and he may even have revealed to them why biological children weren't part of their plan. For now, I am choosing to follow this passage, and will continue to ask, believing that I have received it.
While I'm at it, there's another Scripture that has been popping into my head a lot lately - Psalm 23.
The LORD is my shepherd; there is nothing I lack.
I spent every day for three-and-a-half years lamenting over what I was lacking. My life revolved around the lack of something. Every breath I took was without something I wanted. Let me just say, that type of thinking is draining. Only recently has my life inverted; it's no longer about what I'm lacking, but about what I have. In the past few weeks, I have been constantly reminded that I want for nothing, because "the Lord is my shepherd." Yes, children are blessings, but the lack of those blessings is not despair because the Lord is with us(thank God!). If we turn everything over to him, he will fill the empty hole in our heart.
This transformation wasn't easy. I rejected the thought at first, then gradually came to know it was true but continued to fight it because it was too uncomfortable ('He can't possibly be enough!'). Then I realized how ungrateful I must seem. Without even trying to remember that short passage, I started to realize it was popping into my head at random times. It was as if God was asking me, "am I enough?" How could I say no?
I also think the second Scripture passage ties into the first because perhaps in order to truly ask for something and have faith it will be answered, you first have to not want it, or at least not want it more than God. I wanted a pregnancy more than I thought I needed God. Why would he give me something that I wanted more than him? I have everything I could ever need in him (even if I still don't remember that all the time. I am only human, after all). Only after I realized that could I even begin to ask for something else.
I am just so thankful that God took pity on me. He may have had to bang me over the head to realize this, but it's better late than never.