Weird symptoms

This is turning into one heck of a first week of my cycle.

Last Sunday and Monday were spotting days, Tuesday was abdominal pain, Wednesday was nausea and abdominal pain, Thursday I actually felt a little better, Friday more abdominal pain and a migraine, Saturday was horrible left-side pain and exhaustion along with some serious bloating, and today I almost fainted and can hardly get off the couch. Oh, and I also had some more abdominal pain.

What is with me?

I can't help but wonder if the endo is back. I mean, all this abdominal pain cannot be just normal cycle stuff, can it? If I had to rate it on a scale of one to ten (and keep in mind I am a former [hopefully former] endo girl who experienced level 10 pain all the time), I would say it is a two or three. Except yesterday morning was probably a seven. But I should also note that I took advil several times this week, something I don't normally do, which shows it was worse than normal.

But then I wonder whether perhaps my medication - or lack thereof - is causing the wackiness. I was low on T3 capsules this past week so I went down to one a day, and three weeks ago I went without my bromocriptine. So not exactly compelling evidence, but it could possibly be related to the exhaustion and feeling faint. But to abdominal pain? I doubt it.

The near-fainting spell happened today at Mass (actually Fertile Thoughts was sitting right behind me, so she would have witnessed the whole thing!). The few times I have felt faint at church (which hasn't happened in a year) have been when I was kneeling and today was no different. What is it about that? Anyways, it passed and I started feeling better after going up for communion, but have continued to feel out of it all day.

Another interesting symptom - I think I lost the ability to taste salt the last few days. At first I thought it was the food, and as I was cooking I just kept adding an obscene amount of salt to things. Things just didn't taste right, like they were missing that bite that salt gives things. Then last night, after asking my husband about it, I realized that it wasn't the food, it was me. My mother said the inability to taste salt, and the desire to keep adding it to food, could be a thyroid issue. Apparently my uncle had that problem for years. So if that is true, then I guess you could blame the fact that I took only one T3 capsule a day this past week. But I never had salt issues before the T3! And I was hoping to go off of it soon. Now it might actually be helping me? Ahh!

Just another question to ask my doctor. The list is growing long. 

Anyways, I can't help but think of all those times I've asked God to reveal anything else that may be wrong with me. Perhaps that is exactly what he is doing.

Graces, hope and the Holy Spirit

My husband has felt very called for some time now to pray for something in particular. Not for a pregnancy, or even that we are picked by a birthmother soon. Rather, he has felt led to pray that God shapes us in this time of waiting to be the best parents possible to our future child. Isn't that great? I love how that prayer takes the emphasis off of getting the child and, instead, focuses on the parents we will be. That's definitely a change in thinking for me.

Ryan has definitely been receiving a lot of graces lately, that's for sure! Thank God for that, too, because without all of my husband's insight in recent weeks, I might feel as if I was going through a time of spiritual dryness. But I don't at all, simply because I feel connected to God through Ryan. How great is that, that he seems to be treating us as a unit, which we are in his eyes? I love that! God speaks to me through him, to the point now where when we leave adoration, I have trained Ryan to remember all the thoughts and feelings he had while there so he can report back to me (poor guy...the last time we went, he admitted he was worried that he didn't have anything for me! But then once I got him talking he came out with all this great insight, as always!).

I think because of that, I am feeling very hopeful. Maybe not hopeful for a pregnancy any more, but hopeful in general. Interestingly enough, it seems like when I started to loosen my grip on the dream of conceiving, my level of hope actually began to rise. I didn't expect that! And, as we all know, the positive attitude can come and go, even from minute to minute, so we'll see how I feel in about an hour. But right now I am hopeful.

Hopeful for what? Well, for starters, I am hopeful in our Lord. I really am. I have been reminded lately that perhaps I should have hope in Him, rather than desperately trying to have hope for things. I tried so hard and for so long to have hope that my body would work right, that I'd ovulate, that I'd have a miracle pregnancy. Hoping for those things was a constant struggle for me and where did it get me? I'd try to make myself hope, and just when I'd think that maybe I was hopeful, it would all come crashing down at the end of every cycle. Balancing hope and my emotions - which were real and very painful - wasn't easy.

I think the problem might have been that I was incorrectly directing my hope. It should have been placed solely on God - more specifically, that he is real and that I will see him one day - rather than on what I wanted him to do for me. This might sound obvious now, but it wasn't to me for a very long time.

I just feel like lately God is showing me that my whole life shouldn't be focused on conceiving. Like Ryan feeling called to pray that God shapes us as parents, there are other things to pray for, and to focus on. There are many, many, many other blessings to be found, especially blessings and graces that have to do with our relationship with him. 

I think I might also be more hopeful right now because tomorrow is Pentecost. I've been praying a novena to the Holy Spirit (which, I just learned, was the very first novena ever said, and what all novenas are based on - when Our Lady and the apostles prayed for nine days before the Holy Spirit came) and I really think it has had an effect on me. A calming effect. The novena is for the seven gifts of the Holy Spirit, and I wouldn't mind receiving the gift of fortitude, which is to courageously bear your cross. I need that, that's for sure!

The prayer has so many wonderful parts, but I will leave you with one of my favorites, and something I need to remember to say to God each and every day:

Give me grace, O Holy Spirit, Spirit of the Father and the Son to say to You always and everywhere, "Speak Lord for Your servant heareth." Amen.

Hit by hormones

I've been pretty out of it, physically speaking, this week. I don't know why my hormones are hitting me this hard right now. Tuesday (cycle day three) I had abdominal pain and felt like my insides were going to fall out. Wednesday more pain and just feeling completely out of it. And on Thursday I was completely nauseous and the thought of food made me gag.

Interestingly enough, though, I normally would have blamed my nausea yesterday on the Tamoxifen and/or the B6, but because of my two days of spotting I had at the beginning of this cycle (which caused my doctor to instruct me to start the Tamoxifen on day five), I hadn't even taken it yet! So I thought that was very telling. I always have stomach issues around this time of my cycle lately, and apparently I've been blaming it on the wrong thing!

Today, so far, I feel better, although I woke up with a migraine. Luckily I was still sleepy so I took advil and went back to bed to sleep it off.

I'm also on the good old emotional rollercoaster again (I hate rollercoasters so I should know better than to even get near one). Each day brings a new emotion, whether it's despair, acceptance, or excitement for adoption. I can't keep up.

Oh, and I also am guessing that I miscalculated my peak day last cycle, hence the quirky stuff that happened (low progesterone, short luteal phase). Here's the evidence:

• I had what could have been ovulation pain on cycle day 14; at the time I was sure it was
  
• Best quality mucus on day 14, but also saw peak-type mucus (just not as good quality) on days 15 and 16
  
• Temp rose on day 14
  
• Peak +7 progesterone level was 17. If I miscalculated, and it was actually peak +9, then that is exactly in line with my last four cycles of progesterone levels on peak +9. They have all been around 17
  
• And if I am correct that I ovulated on day 14, rather than 16, then my luteal phase would be 12 days, rather than 10. Still shorter than I had been seeing, but it's never as short as 10
  

I am not saying Creighton is wrong here; according to Creighton (at least without special instructions) I charted my peak day correctly. But Creighton doesn't say your peak day is always the day you ovulate, and in this case, it just didn't match up and it messed up everything that followed it. Creighton is awesome, but not perfect.

So I am sticking to that theory, not that it matters at all.

Here's hoping I have the energy to actually clean and cook today. It's been quite the struggle lately and my house would be evidence of it, if not for my wonderful husband who was fine with just eating a turkey sandwich for dinner last night and did the dishes this morning as well. I'm a stay-at-home-wife who can't even take care of her home. I guess this week I called in sick!

Update - So I called my doctor's office to leave a message saying I wanted them to call with my peak +9 and 11 results (and, by the way, the voice mail now says they do not call ob/gyn patients with normal test results, only abnormal. What? Don't they know I am crazy over here?I understand, though, but hopefully I'm not considered a normal ob/gyn patient. Infertility should get us some perks in life!)

I, of course, still leave a message and a nurse calls back and says my doctor's on vacation and I can't get my test results til next Wednesday. Then I hung up and had a good cry.

What? Why am I crying? These test results aren't even that important in the whole scheme of things and I will get them eventually. So why do I even care? Probably hormones.

I don't know. The idea of stopping certain medications, blood draws and charting is sounding better and better every day. I just overwhelmingly feel like I'm trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. It just isn't working and all this superfluous effort isn't going to change a thing. This just doesn't feel right any more. God will grow our family in his time.

A new phase

Well my peak +7 progesterone was very low for me: 17. When it had been as high as 44, and usually hovers in the 30's, 17 is low. It's actually lower than my peak +11 results had been the past several months.

I have no idea why it was so low this month, but the nurse on the phone said the doctor in the practice who signed off on it said it was great. But I'm sure when my doctor sees it he will notice it is abnormally low for me. 

As for what cycle day I'm on, according to the Creighton Model, I'm on day four. I had two days of spotting before starting my period. That also means that - according to my doctor's instructions to wait until I have two full days of a period before taking Tamoxifen - I will start my Tamoxifen on day five (it's normally taken on day three). I'm not going to worry about the details of it, though, because I'm sure my doctor doesn't care where I put my spotting days on my chart. And I also know how I chart isn't going to get me pregnant. As Hilgers himself said when I was in Omaha, the stickers are just for us. He could read it if it were all jumbled on one line with no little baby pictures.

In other (albeit related) news, I think I'm entering a new phase.

After nearly five years, I am more and more sure every day that I will never conceive. It's like for a while, we were climbing uphill, getting closer and closer to a pregnancy (or so I thought). And then, without even realizing it, we had reached the top. But on this mountaintop, nothing awaited us. There was no prize for all the hardwork and time spent. Now I'm descending on the other side, although that's not to imply that this side is easier because it's downhill. Oh no, I think it's harder than I could have ever imagined. And the closer I get to the bottom, the slower I want to walk.

As much as I am depressed about this, I haven't even begun to mourn the finality of it. When I let my mind wander there, it is too overwhelming. When the time comes to truly deal with it, I'm sure it will be a process. A long, painful one.

Does this mean I'm giving up tomorrow? Ending all the charting and medications? Well, some of my medications are forever, like the metformin. No, I'm not giving up tomorrow. I said I'm entering a new phase. I'm going to wait until my June 16 doctor's appointment and see what he says. If he is optimistic and wants to try another treatment, I'm not going to turn it down. I'd still like to try some kind of injectable.

I know I might sound all over the place about this - feeling strongly that I'll never conceive yet open to injectables - but it's complicated. It's like I know in my heart that it's over, but, at the same time, giving up medically is a big decision that you don't want to look back on and regret, afraid you made it too soon. Perhaps any additional treatments I do will be to rule out their success. Actually, that's how I've felt for a while now.

Now, I know, ultimately, that God is in charge. I know that all things are possible with him (which sometimes makes his lack of a miracle for me hurt more). I know that just like charting wrong won't affect my health, deciding to "give up" won't affect God's plan for me. I could declare to the world I'm giving up, and God might hear that and chuckle because he has other plans in store. I truly believe we don't need to make these grand decisions, it is not our decision to make.

But, that being said, I just feel like this is the direction I'm being sent, and I'd like to think it is coming from Him. So I'm not going to do anything drastic, I'm just going to go with the flow. And, more importantly, I'm going to start mentally dealing with never having biological children. I feel called to prepare my heart for this. Of course, this is something I've been grappling with for many years now, but not in a real, raw sense.

And while I know I must leave it all up to God, I don't think I can handle allowing myself to think that maybe, many years from now, I will have a surprise pregnancy. I know technically it's possible that I may be one of those lucky few, but I may not be. I can't hold onto that hope. I'll hold too tightly and it won't be healthy for me. I can't live my life chasing something that might happen in the future. Hope is one thing, but, for me, learning to live for today is more important.

So you probably won't notice too many changes in my blog in the near future. I'm sure I'll go back and forth from wrestling with the finality of never having kids that look like me one day, to complaining about spotting the next. That's nothing new. I just don't know where this new phase will take me and, frankly, I'm scared to find out. I can write about moving on, but doing it is still a painful concept to wrap my mind around. I just pray that God has mercy on me while I travel this new road.

Messed up

Well it looks like today is cycle day three. But this leads to much confusion over when to start the Tamoxifen and it probably means another call to my doctor's office. 

I had spotting on peak +11, peak +12, and now peak +13 (or, as it will likely be charted, cd 1, 2, and 3). But here's where the confusion starts - according to the Creighton Model (and I could be wrong here), three days of spotting goes on a new line and starts a new cycle, but four or more days is part of the previous cycle. Right? It's the type of thing where you don't know how to chart it until you can look back and see how it all played out. But that doesn't help me right now, as I try to figure out what cycle day I'm on for starting the pills (which need to start on day 3). And while my doctor is familiar with Creighton, it's not the sole method he prescribes to. So he might not think that spotting starts a new cycle at all.

And I have just had spotting, nothing more (so far today, at least...it could end up being two days of spotting and then today starts my period), and I remember my doctor telling me you should have two days of a regular period before taking the Tamoxifen. I'm probably going to call his office and ask. Oh, and I peed on a stick to rule it out before starting a drug that could kill a fetus and it was, of course, negative.

Now let's discuss the long-term physical and emotional ramifications of this spotting. First, I haven't had spotting in a long, long time. Not since getting "healthy" last fall. While I did have a day of spotting mid-luteal phase in December and a day of it mid-luteal phase last month, I have not had any, ANY, spotting at the end/beginning of a cycle in many, many months. Now granted, this spotting is red and not brown, so that must account for something, right? With my luck it probably means something worse!

So I went without my bromocriptine to lower my prolactin for about ten days this cycle. Did that cause this? My doctor assured me on the phone (in a voicemail) that it wouldn't have an effect in that short amount of time. But maybe he got the message wrong and didn't realize it had been as long as it had.

I want to be level headed about this and maintain my composure, but I'm pretty sure the reality of a ten-day luteal phase is going to hit me hard any minute now.  It's like, really?? I can't even have the comfort of thinking things are improving? And now it looks like things are getting worse?

I know I've prayed for whatever is wrong to come to light and maybe this is it. But what? My cycles have just been so good lately! Well, my body still doesn't do what it was designed to do, so my definition of "good" is definitely different than that of normal people. But my luteal phases were lengthening, and had been 14 or 15 days since February. Now ten? It hasn't been that short in years!

Why can't things just go smoothly? Why can't it be obvious when I should start my medication? Why can't I get a darn prescription called in when I need it?? (That's another whole story)

I'm sorry, but I'm not one of those people who others will look back on and say "I never heard her ask 'Why me'." Ha! I think I ask that once a day! WHY ME, GOD?????

Alright, time to start calling my doctor, the pharmacy, then probably my doctor again. At least it'll be interesting to see what my progesterone was this cycle. It must have been all sorts of messed up. Hopefully I'll get at least the first result today, but then again, I'm sure I'll have to wait. That's what I do.

Home from my trip

I'm back home and glad to be here. Ten days is a long time to be gone from your husband, especially when he tends to have medical issues only when you're gone. Last time it was back surgery, this time these. And he even did a news story on them, if you're interested (be warned - he shows his own bites!).

I'd update my cycle but I'm not sure what's going on just yet. I'm either on peak +12 (had my peak +11 blood draw today, a day late), or cycle day two. I had some spotting last night and again tonight. It was red, along with 10KL both times. If it is cycle day two, then that means this last cycle had a mere ten-day luteal phase, which would be a huge step backwards in my humble opinion. Oh well. I'm not freaking out, surprisingly. I'm going to trust in God and look towards the future. Something that seems bad could end up being good, such as revealing a new symptom that needs treating. The Lord knows I've been praying for whatever else is wrong to come to light.

So my mom and I made it to the Blessed Kateri shrine on Friday and it was awesome. A man who worked there went and got her relic for us to pray with, even though normally it's only brought out for large groups (they had one stolen, reliquary and all, so they are very guarded with it now). Then, when I entered the chapel where her shrine is located, the very first thing I saw was a shrine, not to Blessed Kateri Tekakwitha, but to St. Maximilian Kolbe. He is one of our very favorite saints, and Ryan took his name when he was confirmed. I couldn't believe it was there! Apparently, the order that runs the shrine is the same that St. Maximilian belonged to.

Here are some pictures from our visit, as well as some from my sister's bridal shower:









At the shower, from left to right: My mom, me, the bride, and our youngest sister:

This is my first attempt at a fondant cake. It was, well, messy, to say the least. If you've done this before, don't look at it too closely. The judges on the Food Network challenges would throw me out of the kitchen:

Well I'm off to relax now. It was a busy week!

Lovely diversions

Just a warning - about 75% of this post is related to certain t.v. shows. Fox shows in particular, actually. I know that might sound a little pathetic, but it's a great t.v. week. And anything to get my mind off of infertility, right?

So, for starters, I am SO excited about American Idol tonight. I was a Danny fan from the start, but when he started going a little too adult contemporary for my taste, I switched to Kris. And then, about a month ago, Kris sang one of my favorite songs ever and that sealed the deal for me.

And while this might cause you to think less, or at least differently, of me, I must admit that his performance of it is currently my ring tone. Although I regret it every time someone calls me while I'm in a silent, crowded post office. And every time my husband hears it and then gets it in his head. "Take this sinking boat and point it home, we've still got time. Raise your hopeful voice you have a choice, you'll make it now..." over and over and over. It is pretty poignant though, isn't it?

And how incredibly humble was Kris when he won? Not the fake humble we often see from Hollywood, but a real humility. He seemed truly embarrassed, like it was a mistake and he felt silly that somehow it had turned out that way. I know we don't really know them, but he seems like such a nice guy. And how cute is he with his little blonde wife?

So I'm calling it now - I think Danny might release a Christian album. It could happen! He is a praise and worship leader at his church, and he would be so successful in that genre. Anyways, that's just my personal hope. But if he does, I totally called it!

Oh, and did anyone watch Glee? When they showed the girl singing "On My Own" in front of a video camera in her bedroom, I couldn't help but picture all of us who commented a while back on TCIE's blog about singing the same song ourselves. Although that girl sure sings it better than I ever did!! I am obsessed with her voice. And how about the two musical numbers - Rehab and Don't Stop Believing? Awesome!

And, last but not least, one of my all-time favorite shows begins tomorrow. Six words: So You Think You Can Dance. Enough said.

So I'm sure that's more than you ever wanted to hear about my take on television shows.

In infertility news, I had my peak +7 blood draw today. I'll have peak +9 drawn on Friday, but peak +11 isn't going to happen. It's a Sunday, and then Monday is a holiday. Is it worth going on peak +13 on Tuesday? I guess it actually would be interesting just to see what it is that late in the cycle. And it's not like my doctor cares.

Ooohh, ooohh...Speaking of my doctor, he is coming to our next infertility support group meeting! He wants to hear from real women suffering with infertility. How great is that? Thanks to Grace In My Heart for emailing with him to pin down a date. He is truly a wonderful man. I have so much respect for him. 

Well the big bridal shower is in just a couple days. I can't wait! Here's what I've been working on the last couple of weeks:

My mom made the jam and I designed the logos and my youngest sister and I put them on, and then I did all the fabric on the tops. And, yes, that is an endless sea of jam. It's going to be a huge shower!

By the way, you should be happy to know that my blog is truly affecting my life now. My mom and I went right by the Kateri Tekakwitha shrine today, but I didn't stop for one reason and one reason only - I didn't have my camera. I couldn't possibly go there and not take pictures for you all to see! (If a blogger visits a shrine but doesn't have a camera with her, did she really visit the shrine at all?) We're going on Friday though, so hopefully I'll have lots of pictures to share.

Alright. Time for bed! I'm on a whole new schedule here!