Progesterone results

I got my results just now, but apparently the peak +11 results are lost. I called the lab and they gave me a number to give my doctor's office to call, so hopefully that will get cleared up eventually.

Anyways, here they are:

Peak +8: Progesterone - 24.74, Estradiol - 214
Peak +9: Progesterone - 19.76, Estradiol - 351

I would assume that had I actually gotten it drawn on peak +7 like I was supposed to, my progesterone that day would have been pretty high. It might have been similar to last month's peak +7 result of 44, especially since my peak +9 this time is actually higher than my peak +9 last time. (And on a totally random note, I just checked and oddly enough, my peak +11 last time was the same exact number as my peak +9 this time - 19.76. Means nothing, but I just thought that was weird).

I'm still interested to see if it went up or down on peak +11. Hopefully those results aren't lost for good.

So good results, I guess. But they mean nothing since I'm not getting pregnant.

I guess this last cycle was also good because my peak day was day 14 and my luteal phase went 14 days. I guess I can't get down about it because it's not like I've had textbook cycles for a year or anything. I mean, just a few months ago my progesterone was 8.21 on peak +8 and I was ovulating on day 20. I've come pretty far since then. I need to try to remember that.

And the news sinks in

I'm pretty bummed today. It's slowly sinking in that we may not have a baby until next year. I can't help but consider what that means:

• It'll be 2010

• I'll be 33 
  

• We'll have been married and trying to conceive for almost six years
  

Those thoughts make me shudder.

I know I shouldn't think in these terms, but I can't help it. I know that God is a God of surprises, but after more than five years of this, I know that surprises may or may not come. They may or may not be in his plan for us.

The truth is I will get through this. It will be very difficult, I'm sure, but the time will pass, and we will get a baby eventually. I might be 33, or I might be 34, but it's not like I'll be eighty, right?

I have come to terms with the fact that I will never be the young mother I longed to be. Heck, I won't even be the average-aged mother I would have settled on. No, I'll be more like one of those career women who waited til their mid-thirties to establish their high-powered jobs before pausing to have a kid. Well, except for the fact that I have no career. Maybe people will see me with a couple babies at age forty and assume I'm a successful doctor or lawyer!

So life without children continues for now, for who knows how long. All I can say is something better change soon because Sophie is getting very tired of being an only child. Last night she got the abstinence talk for the third time (I yell at her that she is to have NO pre-marital sex, and birth control is not an option. This is usually provoked by something on a t.v. show). You think I'm kidding?

More lessons in patience

I missed the call from my doctor's office about my progesterone results.

It was totally my fault. I had called the office this afternoon asking for any results they had at that point. I knew that yesterday's results probably weren't available, but I'd take whatever I could get. So as I'm waiting for them to call back, I went outside for like ten minutes and didn't take the phone with me. I don't know what I was thinking. I take the phone everywhere when I'm waiting for their call. I know to do this because they usually call when I'm in the shower. But this time, for some reason, I left it inside, and on top of that, I didn't even check if for over an hour after coming back in.

When I finally did, I realized that a nurse had left a message. It said my doctor said the first level (from Monday, peak +8) was "excellent." Over the course of the message she also called it "really good" and "great." But, she did not tell me what it was. She also said that my doctor has been out sick, and that she couldn't tell me anything about my peak +9 and peak +11 results because he hadn't seen them yet, but that they'd call on Monday.

A lesson in patience, once again. You'd think I'd have learned how to be patient by now, but I have not.

Speaking of patience, I found out today that the adoption wait is probably going to be a lot longer than we had previously thought. My friend who is using the same agency as us found out from her social worker that the agency doesn't have as many birthmothers as they did this time last year, and that is probably has something to do with the economy. Let's hope it's not because of this, but sadly, it probably is.

She was told they are working with three women right now, but they're not due for about three months or so. That means that hopefully my friend will get a baby by this summer. That might not sound so bad, but she's been waiting for a year and we had been thinking that she might get a call any day! And that also means that our hopes of getting a baby by the summer is a huge long shot; it will probably be more like 2010.

I'm definitely putting all nursery painting plans on hold. The office will stay the office.

Oh well. All in God's time. I don't want any baby other than the one we are intended to raise, and I will wait as long as it takes for that. That being said, please join me in praying that women who find themselves pregnant consider adoption.

New Catholic blog to check out

Sometimes there seems like there aren't an abundance of Catholic blogs out there about adoption. I know every time one of you who has adopted has emailed me your story, it has helped me tremendously. There is just something about reading the story of a nice, normal family who has gone through the process and has one or more adorable children to show for it. I already know that adoption is great and everything, but sometimes putting a face (or an email or blog) to it can really help those of us who are contemplating making that next step.

Well, one of my friends in real life is an awesome Catholic woman who is carrying the cross of infertility and is also waiting to adopt. I'm so excited to announce that she has started a blog herself, because I'm sure her story will help so many others. Not only can she speak about adoption and the difficulty of waiting, but she is an amazingly strong person with deep faith, so I'm sure she will inspire you like she already has me.

Actually, the way we met in real life kind of has to do with my blog. We had already briefly met in person at a young adults get-together for our parish that she and her husband hosted. Then, a few days later, as she was researching online for an infertility support group she was starting, she came across my blog. I had just added my picture to it the day before, so luckily she was able to immediately realize that she had just met me! Well, thanks to that chance internet search, I became involved in the support group and the rest is history. I'm sure we would've become friends even if not for the blog, but maybe we wouldn't have realized our shared struggle so soon.

I've also talked about her before on this blog, including our trip to St. Gianna's shrine last spring.

Anyways, please check out her blog and say hi!

www.graceinmyheart.blogspot.com

Cycle update and a boy plan *Updated with pictures*

I had my peak+8 and peak+9 blood draws this week and I'll go again tomorrow for peak+11. So, after that, the next thing on the horizon for me is finding out the results. Or, starting a new cycle. Whichever comes first. 

Of course, I'm hoping the progesterone results come first. I'd like my luteal phase to make it to 15 days again, like it did last cycle. That was so, so nice. Today is day ten, so if it goes eleven days (my norm), that means Friday will be cycle day one. I'd have to make it all the way to next Tuesday to have a 15 day luteal phase. It seems so far away. And I kind of feel like the cycle is ending, but honestly, I have no idea what the symptoms mean anymore. Last cycle I had my normal end-of-cycle symptoms all cycle long!

What I really need to do, though, is stop planning out my cycle. I shouldn't calculate what day I really want to get to, or try to will it to happen. I have no control over it, after all! 

So yesterday I decided I kind of hope we get to adopt a boy. That is really surprising for me, because I've only really ever thought about having a girl. It may be because I only have sisters, or maybe because the clothes and accessories are so much cuter for girls. Obviously I just want a BABY at this point - gender preference is a distant, laughable memory - but now I am secretly hoping for a boy. Why? Well, for great reasons, of course! See, not only do I like the boy name we have picked out a lot, but yesterday I found curtain fabric for a boy that I absolutely love. I told you they were good reasons! 

I already knew what color we would be painting the walls (it will be gender-neutral), and have always planned on picking everything else out after we know the gender. Other than painting, I don't want to do too much of anything ahead of actually getting the baby anyways, because of the up-in-the-air nature of adoption. I figure we'll wait until we get "the call" and then get everything else. It will be fun! But, I do want a plan, and now I have one for a boy. 

I was at a really high-end fabric store yesterday (it's my dream store so I just like to walk around) when I saw the fabric and as soon as I laid eyes on it, I envisioned everything else - colors, bedding, a mural, everything. And we're talking $30 a yard (!!) but there's only one small window and I figure I can get away with two yards. And after going through this whole struggle, let me just tell you, I'm going to buy $30-a-yard fabric and love every minute of it!

Now I just have to come up with a girl plan.

**Update**

Okay, so here is the fabric: 

I have ALWAYS loved the little whale design. They just make me happy. And these colors work perfectly. Here's the wall color (or a close proximity) next to the fabric: 

Can you tell the whale's eye is green? I love it! So the walls would be green (I even have a fantasy of doing matte green/eggshell green thick horizontal strips, but I know it would be a huge headache to do, I'm sure) with the two blues as accent colors in the room. 

And, I should also point out that I am very indecisive. One day I love an idea, the next day I wonder what I was thinking. This plan will probably change multiple times before we actually get a baby. 

Falling progesterone

I'm disappointed this morning because I know my progesterone has dropped and I haven't even gotten my blood drawn yet. It's peak +8 today, and I couldn't get it drawn on peak +7 because it was a Sunday, so I will never know what the actual level was at its highest.

I know it has dropped because yesterday I felt great. I was in a great mood and could tell it was high. Then this morning I woke up feeling not so good, and now it's obvious that my mood has fallen off dramatically. I'm a mess. I felt this way last cycle on peak +8 too. I'm sure when I get the results back (a week from now probably.. ugh!) it will be under 10. That's my prediction.

I know it shouldn't matter, because if my progesterone was high, not seeing the proof of it doesn't change the fact that it was high. But heck, it is too much to ask that I can get my progesterone tested on the right day and know what it is each month? There will be at least 60 days between peak +7 results and that's even if it works out next month! There's no guarantee of that!

I know I'm going to get it drawn today and it's going to be super low, and I'm going to wonder if it was ever high. Knowing that it was 44.27 last month helped me tremendously and I was just hoping for that little pick-me-up again.

I guess I shouldn't rely on things like that. I can only rely on God. I don't know why I put my hope in these external things (oh wait, I know - because it's me trying to gain control over something I have no control over!).

I need to keep plugging along, taking my medication, charting, getting my blood drawn and accepting whatever the results are or accepting that I got tested on the wrong day. I need to just plow through and hope that one day, some time in the future (whether this year or in ten years), I'll have a baby whether through pregnancy or adoption. That is the light at the end of the tunnel. My progesterone level on March 22, 2009 means nothing in the grand scheme of things, and whether I ever knew what it was on that date means even less.

Well I'm off to get it drawn now. Wish me luck.

Message from Rome

Our thoughts and concerns were heard at the Vatican!

Last week I told you how a friend of mine would be attending a women's conference at the Vatican this week (I posted about it here), sponsored by the Pontifical Council on Justice and Peace. My friend had asked me for some thoughts about the infertility struggle of Catholic women, just in case she had an opportunity to share them with anyone. I, of course, turned to you for some of your thoughts as well, and many of you shared some great ideas.

Well, she just posted this on my Facebook wall:

"Today I shared with Cardinal Martino and women from around the world your own journey and the messages from your blog readers. It was very moving and I wish you had been there to say it yourself!"

Isn't that exciting?! I just had to share that with you. She wasn't sure if she'd even be able to share our thoughts, but apparently she was! I can't wait to hear more about it, and once I do, I will pass it along to you.