Magical thinking

Happy New Year's Eve! We are getting ready to visit my in-laws for the next two days. And I'll also have a chance to see Lifehopes and, hopefully, her new puppy!

I'm doing good. Trying to keep the positive attitude going! I had a mini-breakdown yesterday but I picked myself back up, starting working on things on my to-do list, and immediately started feeling better.

Once again my cycle is seeing changes. I am now on day 14 of my luteal phase, the longest I've gone since I started charting. They are normally eleven days, a couple were twelve, and earlier this year, after my surgery, they were even shorter. No, I do not think I am pregnant. I feel pre-menstrual and I know it will come at any point. The only reason I am even posting about it is because I'm trying not to let superstitions get the best of me. At the end of my cycles, I always post that it hasn't come yet, then get it right afterwards. So, my tendency would be to not post today, to ward it off. But because I know that way of thinking is insane and possibly even worth confessing, I am forcing myself to post. God isn't going to put off a new cycle simply because I DIDN'T POST ABOUT IT ON MY BLOG! He is in control, not me. I am trying to combat those superstitions by posting, to show God that I know that it is up to Him and not some magical thinking. I have always had a tendency toward magical thinking.

That being said, a 13 day luteal phase - or longer - will be nice. Not that my 11 or 12 day ones weren't good. My doctor just told me on Monday that are perfectly fine. But isn't one day longer even better? Maybe not. But at the very least it shows that things are still changing, hence the reason (perhaps) that I haven't conceived yet. Hormones are still shifting and fixing themselves and haven't settled down yet. Things are still getting even healthier. The body taking a lot of time to heal is always one of the themes of my doctor's appointments. Somehow that is so easy for doctors to realize but much harder for us patients to understand.

I have been struggling with some faith questions that I will post more about here soon. Mainly, how to have hope and faith that our specific prayer will be answered when we know that for some people, it is not. I know, that's nothing new. I've written about it here a million times. I just always come back to it. I do feel as if the Holy Spirit has filled me with a new desire to ask big things of God and trust that he can and will deliver, but that voice in my head is always whispering, But some people pray and pray and never conceive. What about them? While that statement is most certainly true, I think that might be the devil pushing me to doubt God and his awesome power.

But that is a topic for another time. I also wanted to share with you a blog I found through Just Another Catholic Mom. It's the blog of a woman who passed away on Christmas Eve, and it pulled my heart out this morning as I sat here and sobbed as I read it. While her struggle is very different from that of infertility, it is clear she had a lot to teach all those who suffer. I think I can learn a lot from her words about finding joy in the darkness (a column she wrote about it weeks before her death can be found here). For me, personally, reading all this (at the very least) will help to soften the blow of starting a new cycle today. It really puts things into perspective and reminds me that I have so much. Not that our time here on earth is the end all be all - she is in Heaven where we all desire to be - but it reminds me that the time we have been given to do His work is short and it shouldn't be wasted wallowing in sadness. I hope I can find joy in my darkness, if that is where I find myself the next few days.

Doctor's appointment

I'm just writing a quick post because I am exhausted from a long car ride that included being stuck in D.C. rush-hour traffic. I just wanted to say that my appointment went great. My doctor is really encouraged by my cycles, is sure that I am ovulating and thinks I will get pregnant without the help of drugs. That being said, I asked him if I could start taking Clomid or Femara, and he said that'd be fine. He suggested Tamoxifen, since another doctor in the practice, who is a NaPro doctor, has been starting to use it with patients. Does anyone have experience with this drug? I've read about it on wikipedia and I know it's used to treat breast cancer. I was just wondering if anyone has any personal experience

I will start taking it probably this week, since it's taken on days three through seven. I am getting estradiol drawn on day three and then estradiol and progesterone drawn on peak +7. I think. I don't have the information in front of me.

I also am now officially at forty pounds lost on the doctor's office scale. And that was even with a full bladder (although I did get to take my shoes off. The nurse actually told me I could disrobe as much as I'd like. I'm like, "Don't tempt me!"). My doctor was really happy that I'd lost another five pounds, despite the fact that he said last time I could maintain now. I have been maintaining - adding back in some fats - but I still lost. Then when I got home, I weighed myself here, bladder completely empty and fully disrobed of course, and weighed the lowest I've weighed yet and the lowest I've weighed since college. The amount put me into a new decade of weight and one that I only dreamed about being in for years.

I just can't wait until I get pregnant so the positive effects of this diet can be fully seen. I hope it will be the encouragement that others need to stick to it. I mean, my weight loss might inspire some, but not as much as a pregnancy would. And for selfish reasons, I hope God decides to use me in that way!

I did get the adoption physical done, except for the TB test, and my doctor even commented that I'll probably get pregnant after I send it in. I know that is often a myth, but he is my doctor and he does happen to think I'm going to get pregnant real soon. He even said he expects a call about a positive test in the near future.

I also told him how way back at our first appointment with him, he said how the metformin and the diet will make me feel "whole" again. I said that for many months after starting treatment, I still didn't feel whole. That is, until November. I said I now know what he means. He was happy about that and said usually when a patient tells him they feel whole, they're pregnant within six months! 

So I feel very positive and upbeat right now. I hope this feeling lasts through a new cycle starting. I'm on 12 days post peak (by the way, he said my luteal phases are a great length), and will probably start a new cycle tomorrow. I start the Tamoxifen on day three, so that is right around the corner. 

I also listened to a book on CD during my drive, and it gave me great insights into my struggle with infertility and my faith. It's called Left To Tell by Immaculee Ilibagiza and is on loan from Lifehopes. I'm sure some of you have heard of it. I didn't finish it yet, but already it has really made me excited to go deeper into my faith. I don't want to waste this time of struggle and hardship. I often think about how if I am to become pregnant, that I'd look back on how I handled this painful time and wish I'd suffered more gracefully. I want to turn over a new leaf and do just that before it's too late. I'm going to post more about my thoughts in the coming days.

Oh, and one more thing. I know some of you have asked in the past about my progesterone level I talked about in October, that my doctor had deemed perfect. I found out today it was 16.7. He reiterated that it is ideal. I know sometimes blood work can't be compared to other blood work taken at a different lab, but that is mine, for what it is worth. I also asked him about my LH and FSH, and he said when it was tested in October, one was 5 and the other was 4, making it a 1:1 ratio (he told me which was which, but I can't remember). He said that for all intents and purposes, I don't have PCOS anymore, but obviously that's because it is being controlled with medication and diet. If that were to be stopped, it would come back. I just love knowing that I am currently free of it, though!

So this obviously didn't end up being a short post. I always have good intentions to be quick, but then I just write and write! I am about to bake some low G.I. Christmas cookies so I will take pictures and do a post about them. My mom made the cookies last week and they were delicious. You'd never know they were made with Splenda and white wheat flour! I am going to go one step further, though, and make a low G.I. frosting as well. I hope it comes out good!

Cycle update and Carmie J.

Isn't it funny how once we ovulate (or have an "ovulatory event" - I'm not going to believe I ovulated until I get pregnant), we forget what cycle day we're on? At least I do. I started to write what day I'm on and I have no idea. So, instead, I will say that I am eleven days past peak. Eleven days and no spotting in sight, at least at this very moment.

Last cycle I think my luteal phase was eleven days. The cycle before that it was twelve. So I might start tomorrow, or I might start on Tuesday. Or I might not start at all. Hahaha... Of course I am just kidding! What a jokester I am. I definitely do not feel like this cycle is any different than any other failed cycle. I feel pre-menstrual (whatever that means, since it always seems to manifests in different ways) and nothing feels out of the ordinary. I've had a sensation in my legs on an off through the entire cycle, so that can be checked off the list. I'm starting to get depressed, which always happens. And my bbs are sore, but, then again, that could be my new bra.

Not starting my cycle is a good thing, I guess, since I'm going to the doctor tomorrow. If I am able to start taking Femara, then at least I can start it this cycle. I have to say, my doctor's appointments always seem to be scheduled at just the right time (this has not gone unnoticed, God!), which usually means the perfect time for whatever necessary blood work. Tomorrow it will hopefully mean the perfect time for drugs.

The actual reason for tomorrow's appointment is for an adoption physical. I'm a little nervous about how it will all go down. See, at my last appointment I asked my infertility doctor (not that that's his official title) if he could do the physical when the time came. He said yes. I knew to ask because a friend of mine goes to him as well, and he did her adoption physical. But then when I called to make the appointment, the woman on the phone acted like that was nuts and said he can't do that. So, believing that she was nuts instead, I went ahead and made the appointment for an annual. I hope that when I get there tomorrow I will tell him why I'm really there, hand him the physical checklist and he will say okay.

Let's be honest - the adoption physical is just a front. More face time with him means more time to talk about my cycles, which means more time to figure out what's going on, which means more time to get me pregnant. If he says tomorrow that he can't do the physical, I will just schedule one with a primary care physician, and I will at least get a chance to show him my chart and ask for Femara. It will be more than worth the three-hour round-trip drive.

So hopefully I'll have a lot to update tomorrow!

On a completely unrelated topic, I got a new camera for my birthday and I love it. It's 13.6 megapixels. 13.6! To put it in perspective, the four-year old camera we got for our wedding that I have been using was only 3.1. That's like quadruple the megapixels!

To show the fruits of my new camera, I thought I'd post a picture of one of my cats, since they don't get a lot of attention on this blog (although they just did, in fact, get some play when I posted our Christmas card photo last week. Speaking of that picture, I later realized I messed up because I failed to post the actual Christmas card in which I included the bible verse for which this blog is named. It was a little shout out to anyone on our Christmas card list who knows about the blog, which is about three people, or so I hope. Anyways...)

So this is Carmie:



Or Carmie J. as Ryan likes to call him. He's definitely our most photogenic pet (sorry Sophie and Jasper). He's also the fattest, by a landslide. He's also on the bottom of the pet totem pole - he is dominated by both Sophie and Jasper and any other animal that visits our house, for that matter.


Isn't he cute, though?

He's named after Carmelo Anthony who played for our favorite college basketball team, Syracuse, when they won the national championship. At the end of that season we went out in search of an orange cat to name Carmelo. We attempted to call him Melo, which is his namesake's nickname, but it just didn't stick. He's definitely a Carmie.

We say that Carmie is a lover because when given the choice of where to sleep in the entire house, he chooses right next to you with at least one arm or leg wrapped around you. It's the sweetest thing, but also hot in the summer.

So that's one of our pets. To make use of my camera, I'll profile the others in the days ahead, so get excited!

Home

We're back from the freezing cold north. It was beyond cold the first couple days, but it actually got better near the end. The early part of the week, though, reminded me why we don't live there anymore. How do any of you do it, and how did I do it for 30 years?

Anyways, I've had a bunch of blogable thoughts floating around in my head for a few days, so this is going to be a hodge podge of a post.  Here goes...

First, we got home today around 4 a.m. We had a great visit, although it seemed to fly by and I hardly feel like I got to talk to my family at all. We had a wonderful Christmas Eve, Christmas, and we even celebrated my birthday yesterday. Here's a picture:


I had a breakdown last night as soon as I got in the car to leave. It was probably partly due to always being very sad about leaving my family and knowing we wouldn't both be back until July (I'll be making two trips alone in the spring), but it was mainly about infertility. It's hard holding it in for several days; I'm used to being able to openly be sad when I feel like it. It wasn't that I was around babies or anything - I know it could have been much worse - but it's just that time when my cycle is nearing the end. I always lose it just before it's over. 

My birthday was another reason for my breakdown. I am utterly depressed this year about turning another year older without conceiving. 32. I almost can't believe it. It makes me tear up right now just thinking about it. Leaving my parents' house made me start thinking about the week that is ahead of me - namely, my birthday. Ryan has to work on my birthday this year, which isn't his fault and he feels horrible, but it makes me dread it all the more because I'll be alone for most of the day. Alone and sad. (Aren't I pathetic?)

My mom and sister loved their aprons, and I kind of wished I'd made one for my other sister too, despite the fact that she doesn't really cook. Here's a picture of all of us: 



That's my mom second from the left. She got sick again last night, just as I was leaving. We're hoping it's not C Di.ff again. It sucks because not only does she get sick from it, but she feels defeated when it comes back. She counts the days between bouts, hoping it will be longer each time. For her sanity alone I hope it's not C Di.ff, or "the beast" as she says it's called on the message boards. Please pray for her if you get a chance. 

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On a completely different topic, I went bra shopping today. I had ordered one for Christmas that ended up not fitting me so today I subjected myself to what I consider torture. I swear I get nauseous each time and I usually leave empty handed. Well, this time I refused to let that happen. I was wearing a pre-weight loss bra that would better serve someone forty pounds heavier than me. It's really embarrassing. I cannot even explain to you how huge it is and how terrible this bra fits me. 

So tonight I left with two bras, one of which was on sale from $70 to $30. But now, as I sit here, I can hardly breathe. I know (from learning on Oprah) that a well-fitting bra is supposed to be tight and I know I've been used to wearing super-loose ones, but this can't be good. 

Oh, and I should mention I had someone "fit" me. I was sick of trying tons of bras on and never finding one that felt good, so I decided to just do it. I had a stranger measure my chest and I found out I am a 30 DD, which they don't make, so that means I'm a 32 DD, which they do make (prior to the fitting I was trying on 34 C's, so I guess it was necessary). If it were up to me, I'd have bought a 34, which felt a lot better, but I put my trust in Tiffany, the bra fitter, and bought the little itsy-bitsy 32's. I'm hoping I get used to them.

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In cycle news, I discovered the other night that for the past five or six months, every other cycle has been almost identical. I thought ovulating on every other ovary was a myth, but what other explanation is there for it? Every other month I ovulate on day 18 and on the months in between I ovulate much earlier on the same day (I can't remember what day right now). And for this current cycle and the one before last, I ovulated on day 18 and then had spotting on day 24 (yes, I woke up on Christmas morning to spotting.. although that doesn't really explain it well - it was more of a super light tan discoloration and happened only once). So, if this cycle continues to mimick that one, I will get my period tomorrow. I least I think that's the case. My chart is still packed some where, but it's something like that. So what is the deal with the every other month similarities? Has anyone else ever seen this? I am going to the doctor on Monday so at least I'll be able to see what he thinks about it.

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On Christmas night, Ryan and I went to the movies with my youngest sister and her new boyfriend. We saw The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, which was a pretty good movie, but the reason I bring it up is because it made me think - and cry - about infertility (I know - it's probably not surprising that something reminded me of infertility). I was a mess as I watched it! There are just themes in it that resonated with me, not to mention Benjamin Button's mother, who took him in when someone left him on her doorstep as a newborn, is infertile and even gets blessed at a healing service (although the preacher does say something about it being due to her sins, which we all know isn't true!). The main reason I wanted to say something about it tonight is one line in particular. It is repeated throughout the movie and it really struck me: 

“You can be mad as a mad dog at the way things went, You can swear and curse the fates, but when it comes to the end, you have to let go.”

I sobbed every time they said it! Doesn't that just sum it all up? That describes my experience perfectly. I spend so much time being mad, so much time cursing God, so much time being angry that my life didn't turn out the way I'd imagined it. But where does that get me? NO WHERE! I just have to let it go.

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Well there is a lot more I could write about, but I need to rest. I'm going to make some hot chocolate (I found some with low sugar that is not actually advertised as low sugar!) and watch some t.v. Have a good night!

Hitting the road

Well we are heading north tonight. Actually it will be tomorrow, since Ryan doesn't get off of work until 12:30 a.m. Hopefully we'll get there around 8 tomorrow morning. 

I'm not sure how much blogging I'll be able to do while I'm there, because I don't like logging onto my blog from computers of those who may not know my blog exists. I don't mind if people find it, but I still try to be discrete. We're bringing our laptop which is on its last legs, so I might check in, but I at least will be checking other blogs from Ryan's iphone.

Tonight I'm packing and wrapping and looking forward to everything being done and being in the car on our way.

Sorry if you're sick of these, but here are two more aprons I finished:

This one is for my friend. I love the fabric, especially the skirt.

And this one is for my sister. 

I also made a little apron for Madeleine, but you'll have to wait for Beth to post a picture of it when she gets it!

And since I don't know when I'll be posting next, I thought I'd end with our Christmas card picture from this year. It even includes the kitties which I don't think I've ever posted pictures of before! The orange one is Carmie (a boy) and the black one is Jasper (a girl). As you can see, Jasper is crazy.

Have a blessed and merry Christmas!!

Not letting this get me down

I'm okay. I'm not going to let this ruin my Christmas. We are leaving for my parents' house Sunday night and I can't wait. I haven't been home since August and I have only been home three times this whole year. I also haven't seen one of my sisters since last Christmas. I can't even begin to describe how much I've been looking forward to this. I am SO excited and even stupid infertility can't rob me of that.

I will get to meet my sister's new boyfriend and then there's the other sister who just got engaged. My parents are having my dad's office party at their house on Tuesday and that's always fun. Then there's Christmas of course, and let me just say that my parents still buy us a TON of presents. Then on Friday we'll celebrate my birthday early. We'll also shoot some video for my documentary on Wednesday (speaking of which, I have to start posting some clips from that here). There will be no reminders of pregnancy or babies. It will just be fun and relaxing and the only thing I'm not looking forward to is leaving Friday night.

In cycle news, it's day twenty. I personally think I ovulated sometime between Wednesday afternoon and Thursday morning. I had great mucus - "10 KL AD" (or for those of you who don't speak Creighton - clear, lubricative and stretching an inch or more, all day) - three days in a row, Monday through Wednesday. I've never had that type of great quality for that long and that often during the day. I know that has to be an improvement. I'm still ovulating late, if I am ovulating at all. At least day 18 or 19 seems late, but I'm not sure what the window is for normal. I usually just make it in those windows.

Yesterday I woke up four hours earlier than normal, so my temping was screwed up, but I believe it still showed a rise. This morning it was 97.9. The day before, it was 97.8. So even though it was four hours earlier than the previous day, it was still up a tenth of a point. I think that shows that had I slept until my normal time, it would have likely been around 98.3.

That being said, I am very perplexed because it was low again this morning. I think it was 97.6. I know I shouldn't temp, but I did and now that temperature is really confusing. My temps are always very normal around this time of my cycle. They are practically all 97.8 and then, coinciding with my peak day of mucus, they always rise to around 98.3. So this is different and odd.

My back hurts. This is a relatively new phenomenon, mainly happening in the last two months. I think it is due to me standing up for long periods of time sewing, especially because I basically just sat on the couch prior to my sewing binge. 

Speaking of that, while I used to do it as my full-time job practically, I can't sit on the couch anymore at all. I tried today as my fabric was in the washing machine and had nothing else to sew, and I just couldn't do it. I was bored. How can someone's personality change so drastically so fast? I spent years either sitting on the couch or wishing I could. I mean, I had a bed pillow on the couch permanently! And let me clarify, when I say "sit" I actually mean lay. Staying relaxed during my surgery recovery was nothing because it was all I did even before the surgery. 

I guess my point is that I wasn't just lazy before, I was exhausted. I was weak. I felt dizzy when I stood up. The only time I felt good was when I was laying down on the couch watching t.v. It's kind of like my body and my mind were lazy. I didn't want anything to challenge me, I just wanted to veg out. I truly think this was a medical problem, and whether it was associated with a low thyroid, high prolactin or PCOS (all three things I started treating last Spring) or eating low carb, I'm not sure. All I know is that the fog has been lifted. I can clearly see that things have changed immensely.

Now I just need everything else to start working like it's supposed to. Ovaries, I'm talking about you here. 

Annoyed

Here are the thoughts on replay in my brain:

1. I'm not going to get pregnant this month, or the next, or the next. I may never get pregnant.

2. Nothing ever goes right for me/us. Why can't we just have something little to be excited about?

3. I am afraid something else is wrong with me that we don't know about yet. So far 50 million separate things have caused me to be infertile (endometriosis, PCOS, high prolactin, thyroid issues, you name it), so the odds are there is more that we have yet to discover.

4. #3 leads me to feel sorry for myself. Why can't I just have ONE thing wrong? Wouldn't that be enough????

5. I want to be happy for Christmas.

6. It's way too early in my cycle to be depressed. Usually that doesn't really set in until the fourth week or so.

7. But I have every reason to be depressed every single second of every day. Sadness is my default emotion, and when I'm happy I wonder what is going on with my hormones!

8. I know I already said it but I REALLY need something to go our way.

9. My husband did not get laid off. I guess that could be viewed as something that went our way, but the fact that we even had to (have to) worry about that at all is depressing.

10. I'm fine, I really am. I just needed to vent. I just want things to change. I want this dark cloud over my life to lift. I want to be happy all the time, with moments of sadness when they are warranted, not the other way around.

I know God is with us, and I know I will live no matter what happens. I'm sorry for feeling sorry for myself and complaining. I know I am blessed in many ways. I'm trying to remember that.