On getting out

I never want to be away from my kids.

There. I said it. Why, again, do I feel this is a controversial statement?

It all started when I saw my OB for my six-week follow-up after Luke's birth.

Are you getting out? Spending some time away from the babies? she asked. Really? It had only been six weeks. I was still getting the hang of breast feeding. By the time I got ready to go somewhere he needed to nurse again.

No, I responded, innocently and honestly. I don't really want to. 

It was the truth. Now, I definitely shy away from the controversial. If I had known what her reaction was going to be, I probably would have just said "Sure, I'm getting out" and left it at that. I had no idea that I had said anything that I shouldn't.

She shot me a look filled, all at once, with disdain, pity, and concern for my naivety. In just those quick seconds, it was as if that look said Oh, no. No, no, no. You don't understand. You don't have to say that just because you're a mom and that's what you think you're supposed to say. You should spend time apart from them. In fact, you shouldn't not spend time apart from them. It's unhealthy not to, even dangerous. You're all going to end up royally messed up if you don't. You're children will be serial killers. 

What she actually said was something more along the lines of, You do really need to spend some time away from them. It will be good for all of you. I'm serious. Still, her words weren't simply advice from a doctor and fellow mom. They were a warning.

So I tried. I went to the store alone, I... I'm trying to think of somewhere else to tell you I went, but that's about it. It was still early on, and leaving the house was difficult. Luke needed me constantly. But her words - that look - were never far from my thoughts.

It wasn't like we had babysitters to call on at will. Neither my husband nor I grew up anywhere near our current town, so we don't know a great deal of people, let alone any teens. That doesn't exactly make going out all that easy, so we didn't. And I was perfectly content.

Ryan, on the other hand, needed the occasional night out. Sometimes for a work event, sometimes for an outing involving something we can't do with babies, like going to the movies. Once leaving Luke was a bit easier, we began trading-off babysitting with good friends of ours. It's fine by me since it usually involves going out after Clara and Luke would normally be in bed.

But it's always his doing. I enjoy going, I just don't need to go. I don't initiate going.

When birthdays, anniversaries, celebrations arise, Ryan inevitably asks me what I want to do. Go out, I say. With the kids.

When I've had a tough week, when I complain about my fatigue, Luke teething, or Clara (and, by extension, I) spends what seems like an entire day in time-out, Ryan generously asks if I want to do something by myself, like go shopping. No, I say. I want to go but I want us all to go.

Call me crazy, but I just have more fun when they're with me. I'm more joyful when they're with me. I'm more content when I know they're there. I'm relaxed and happy when I know I can see their faces.

Do I need some time apart? Yes. That's why God invented naps. On days when napping is rough, I nearly lose my mind.

And give me a day or two without Ryan at home when he's normally home (or worse - if he's gone overnight) and I'll go nuts.

It's a delicate balance. As long as I have my normal routine of Ryan helping in the morning, naps, and coming home at night, I'm good to go. Help is key. I didn't say I want to be alone with my kids for days on end. I'm not that crazy.

And I know I only have two. My thoughts on this matter may evolve. But for right now, this is where I'm at. I have no desire to get out and I'm now realizing I shouldn't be ashamed of that.

I know some people will think this is absurd. That I just don't get it yet. Or, like I know my doctor was probably, likely, maybe, thinking - that it's even doing a disservice to my children.

And to them I would say this: We are all different. Some moms may need time away, and that's fine. But, for me, personally, after nearly six years of infertility, I need my babies. I spent a lot - a LOT - of time being sad and missing the babies I didn't yet know. Now that they're here, I don't ever want them far from me. They just bring me joy.

And I'd like to think at this very young age, they just might need me too.

But if my children turn out crazy, then you can all blame it on me not getting out enough. Deal?