Since my husband and I have moved to our new state, we've been amazed at how many there are of one thing in particular: vanity plates. You can get one for just $10.00, and apparently a lot of Virginians find that offer hard to pass up. And I mean a lot. We are constantly trying to decipher them, imagining scenarios by which the car owner would pick such a plate, and we even report back to each other on annoying ones we've spotted. Well, today as I was driving I noticed a plate in front of me that read ROMI2 2. As always, I felt like this was a sign (assuming it wasn't for someone named Romi who likes the number 2). When I got home I looked up Romans chapter 12, verse 2 and found this:
Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.
Let me just attempt to explain how perfect this passage is for me right now. As I've previously posted, I underwent a conversion about three years ago. I have always been Catholic, but had drifted away and this conversion brought me back. At some point in the last few days something made me start thinking about my conversion and whether I had really changed. I had certainly changed in some concrete ways - I attend Mass every Sunday, go to confession, was commissioned as a lay minister - but I started to wonder, is my heart truly different? Do I convey Christ to others? Would my friends and family say I've changed for the better? I'm not sure. So I had been thinking about this lately and had begun to feel that little tug. You know, that little tug on your soul when God decides to put something on your heart, when suddenly everywhere you turn someone's talking about that something, EWTN is doing a special about it, it's the focus of the homily at Mass that week. I knew God was calling me to continue my conversion, which is supposed to be a lifelong process anyway. But I wasn't sure yet how it fit into my infertility struggle (because, after all, doesn't everything have to do with infertility?).
Then I saw this license plate. The first part of this verse really speaks to my ongoing conversion and what I've been thinking about this week: Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. It's exactly what has been on my mind lately! The next part of the verse ties into infertility and something else I constantly struggle with: Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is. When I saw that it had to do with God's will, I knew I was meant to see it.
So perhaps becoming less of the world will help me become more in tune with - and accepting of - God's will. As I've said before, I like instructions and have a difficult time with someone simply telling me to accept God's will. Maybe this is God's way of letting me know how to actually get to that point.
The last part of the verse is my favorite - his good, pleasing and perfect will. Let's just think about this for a moment. Infertility is God's good, pleasing and perfect will for me and my husband. What a thought! Surprisingly, it doesn't make me angry or bitter, but happy and peaceful (okay, but I have to admit I still hope pregnancy is His will for me. I'm not that good yet!). Knowing that His will - whatever that may be - is always good, pleasing and perfect makes accepting it a little bit easier. It's just another reminder that He loves us so much and His will would never be to bring us harm. Now I just have to remember that on my depressed-and-at-the-complete-end-of-my-rope days.
Showing posts with label conversion. Show all posts
Showing posts with label conversion. Show all posts
Saturday, February 9, 2008
Wednesday, December 12, 2007
Ending the temper tantrum (or trying to)
If I were to be honest about my infertility-related behavior, I'd have to say it's like the adult version of a child's temper tantrum. It is as if I am on my stomach, kicking my feet and pounding my fists on the ground, crying out "it's not fair." If I did that to my parents as a kid (and I'm sure I did) it would have gotten me no where, except maybe my bedroom.
While I usually think I am totally justified in my depression, anger and frustration, deep down I know my temper tantrums aren't pleasing to God. And with God in the role of "parent," it's definitely not going to get me what I want.
With that in mind, I feel like I need to change things. This is nothing new. I've prayed for years to have peace with infertility. I know this peace can't come without turning over my anger, frustration, sadness and all that comes with infertility to God. I have spent many hours in front of the Blessed Sacrament trying to do this very thing. Kneeling, I try to visualize my problems as a material thing that I place at the bottom of the monstrance in front of me, or at the feet of Christ. I'm obviously doing something wrong because it hasn't worked.
Lately, I feel like it's getting worse. I have this feeling like my soul is rotting and I'm doing nothing to nurture it. I know this problem is caused by my lack of trust in God. I realized this while reading an amazing post today by Et-tu. It's far more insightful than I could ever be, but it made me realize that this lack of trust is the root of all of my problems. It is possible to trust in God and when I do, He will protect me when I fall.
So, then, how do I go about actually doing this? As I've said, I've tried before to no avail. Today, though, I realized I do have a personal experience I can draw upon.
Being a cradle Catholic, I fell away from the Church in my twenties like many people do. I still believed in and loved God and always considered myself Catholic, I just wasn't attending Mass and was definitely not living the life God wanted for me.
About a week after returning from my honeymoon, I began to go through an amazing conversion, except I didn't know that's what it was at the time (I should also point out that this started before I realized I was infertile, but was perhaps God's way of preparing me). I started to get horrible anxiety, like I was sinking into a black hole. I was hysterical. I couldn't eat, sleep, or function. The best way to describe it is like a constant panic attack. My poor husband probably wondered what he got himself into. Interestingly enough, this wasn't the first time I had experienced this. It first happened to me at age 17. As with this time, I experienced constant and indescribable panic and cried constantly, even at school. People must have thought I was losing my mind, and I kind of was. During both experiences, the focus of the panic was a fear that there was no God (I now understand, and have been told by others, that this was God's way of showing me what the world would truly be like without him. I experienced it, and let me just say, it was hell). I didn't know it then, but it was a typical "dark night of the soul" and is actually an enormous grace.
This most recent time, after my wedding, the panic lasted a few months but the lack of belief in God lingered for about two years. I realized rather quickly that this was the beginning of a conversion that would change my life forever. I started going to Mass, went back to confession (which helped immensely), Perpetual Adoration, and began a Formation for Ministry program (I actually did these things at a time when I didn't believe in God. Go figure). It took a while, but finally, after many, many months I was able to say I truly believed in God shortly after Easter 2005.
It wasn't easy. I had an awesome advisor as part of the Formation program who met with me weekly. A 70-something Sister of St. Joseph, she was my angel sent from God to help me believe again. She suggested that I pray that my anxiety be lifted on Easter Sunday and envision it being taken up to Heaven, just like Christ. I did, and it worked. It didn't happen instantaneously, but a few weeks later I realized the black hole was gone.
But that wasn't the only thing that finally did it. The other thing that worked (and the point of me telling this story) is that I just acted like I had faith. I've heard many people talk about this, and I can't say enough how well it works. It's actually, not to be cliche, taking a leap of faith. I soon experienced God so personally that I understand why it can be hard to explain the experience to non-believers.
What helped me to do this was hearing the lyrics to a song called "What If?" by Nicole Nordeman. It was like the song was written just for me, a skeptic. One part in particular that affected me was this:
What if you jump
Just close your eyes
What if the arms that catch you, catch you by surprise
I decided that's what I need to do - and, if these lyrics were true, God would protect me from what I was most afraid of - falling. It worked that time and it will work now too. I just need to jump.
On another note - it's 76 degrees here today! I'm a northerner and so not use to this. It's like I'm on vacation.
While I usually think I am totally justified in my depression, anger and frustration, deep down I know my temper tantrums aren't pleasing to God. And with God in the role of "parent," it's definitely not going to get me what I want.
With that in mind, I feel like I need to change things. This is nothing new. I've prayed for years to have peace with infertility. I know this peace can't come without turning over my anger, frustration, sadness and all that comes with infertility to God. I have spent many hours in front of the Blessed Sacrament trying to do this very thing. Kneeling, I try to visualize my problems as a material thing that I place at the bottom of the monstrance in front of me, or at the feet of Christ. I'm obviously doing something wrong because it hasn't worked.
Lately, I feel like it's getting worse. I have this feeling like my soul is rotting and I'm doing nothing to nurture it. I know this problem is caused by my lack of trust in God. I realized this while reading an amazing post today by Et-tu. It's far more insightful than I could ever be, but it made me realize that this lack of trust is the root of all of my problems. It is possible to trust in God and when I do, He will protect me when I fall.
So, then, how do I go about actually doing this? As I've said, I've tried before to no avail. Today, though, I realized I do have a personal experience I can draw upon.
Being a cradle Catholic, I fell away from the Church in my twenties like many people do. I still believed in and loved God and always considered myself Catholic, I just wasn't attending Mass and was definitely not living the life God wanted for me.
About a week after returning from my honeymoon, I began to go through an amazing conversion, except I didn't know that's what it was at the time (I should also point out that this started before I realized I was infertile, but was perhaps God's way of preparing me). I started to get horrible anxiety, like I was sinking into a black hole. I was hysterical. I couldn't eat, sleep, or function. The best way to describe it is like a constant panic attack. My poor husband probably wondered what he got himself into. Interestingly enough, this wasn't the first time I had experienced this. It first happened to me at age 17. As with this time, I experienced constant and indescribable panic and cried constantly, even at school. People must have thought I was losing my mind, and I kind of was. During both experiences, the focus of the panic was a fear that there was no God (I now understand, and have been told by others, that this was God's way of showing me what the world would truly be like without him. I experienced it, and let me just say, it was hell). I didn't know it then, but it was a typical "dark night of the soul" and is actually an enormous grace.
This most recent time, after my wedding, the panic lasted a few months but the lack of belief in God lingered for about two years. I realized rather quickly that this was the beginning of a conversion that would change my life forever. I started going to Mass, went back to confession (which helped immensely), Perpetual Adoration, and began a Formation for Ministry program (I actually did these things at a time when I didn't believe in God. Go figure). It took a while, but finally, after many, many months I was able to say I truly believed in God shortly after Easter 2005.
It wasn't easy. I had an awesome advisor as part of the Formation program who met with me weekly. A 70-something Sister of St. Joseph, she was my angel sent from God to help me believe again. She suggested that I pray that my anxiety be lifted on Easter Sunday and envision it being taken up to Heaven, just like Christ. I did, and it worked. It didn't happen instantaneously, but a few weeks later I realized the black hole was gone.
But that wasn't the only thing that finally did it. The other thing that worked (and the point of me telling this story) is that I just acted like I had faith. I've heard many people talk about this, and I can't say enough how well it works. It's actually, not to be cliche, taking a leap of faith. I soon experienced God so personally that I understand why it can be hard to explain the experience to non-believers.
What helped me to do this was hearing the lyrics to a song called "What If?" by Nicole Nordeman. It was like the song was written just for me, a skeptic. One part in particular that affected me was this:
What if you jump
Just close your eyes
What if the arms that catch you, catch you by surprise
I decided that's what I need to do - and, if these lyrics were true, God would protect me from what I was most afraid of - falling. It worked that time and it will work now too. I just need to jump.
On another note - it's 76 degrees here today! I'm a northerner and so not use to this. It's like I'm on vacation.
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