I'm trying to remain positive. It's just that I have this constant voice in my ear reminding me that a pregnancy is completely unlikely and an adoption is just as much so.
Instead of blogging right now I should probably be praying. Asking God to help me avoid falling into sadness.
Sometimes it's just so tiring to constantly try to keep yourself from despairing. It's like I am two people - I am my own constant caregiver, working furiously to keep myself from going over the edge, telling myself to stay upbeat, remember my blessings, reminding myself of God's promises. With God all things are possible. He has our best interest in mind. We should rejoice in being made low.
Then I start tipping over the edge, and not only do I quickly spiral downward into depression, but meanwhile the other part of me is disappointed in myself for letting it happen. For failing again, for not being joyful, for being a sad wife.
It's exhausting.
I have no idea when, or if, I'll ever be a parent and I just have to come to terms with that. Please God, let me be find peace with this reality.
It's growing increasingly difficult to accept that adoption isn't working out like we had hoped and prayed it would.
I think I am still in denial about the whole situation with adoption. Either that, or God is protecting me. Once in a while I have a fleeting thought about the reality of it all - that there is no end to this struggle in sight and finances are going to keep me, at least for the time being, from becoming a mother - and I feel completely crushed. I am filled with every negative emotion you can think of and then, in a second, it's gone. I honestly think that my brain can't deal with it and so I am somehow suppressing the grief right now. That's great, but I just know that it will boil over eventually. And when it does, it's not going to be pretty.
I also applied for a job that seems like it would be perfect and have so far heard nothing in response. I'm trying to not let this get me down even more.
I'll guess I'll just continue to hold on and hope I don't fall over the edge. That would be good for no one.
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Holding on
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praying for you.
ReplyDeleteI was thinking of you the other day, and remembering your documentary-in-the-works of the other IF bloggers you met up with awhile back. I'd be so interested in seeing that!
I know this may not be the best "technique" but looking back I realize that I felt much less IF pain when I was immersed and distracted in some project/work. I had much less time to think about the whole issue.
Thinking of you and keeping you in prayer....
I'm sorry that you are having a rough time right now. I'm praying for you.
ReplyDeleteK~
ReplyDeleteThinking of you guys and praying that things will work out.
Ever think about setting up an etsy shop with all the cute things you sew/paint to raise money for your adoption? I'd definitely buy something!
Love, Ryane
Every single word you just wrote describes me perfectly, I'm sad to say. Somedays I feel like I'm so close to exploding with grief and rage, but somehow I've managed to keep it all in so far.
ReplyDeleteThe thought of being a mom just seems so impossible. I've heard that adoption isn't as complicated as it sounds but I've been reading about it and it IS complicated!
So lately I've been thinking that maybe God isn't giving me children because I would be a horrible mom.
I HATE infertility!!
I know it is so hard to stop from despairing. But during our journey when I would start down that road I would be motivated to change something or do something else. Counseling was really what helped me stop the cyle of depression and despair.
ReplyDeleteI think its okay to feel the way you do. Yesterday afternoon things got so bad I couldn't even go on. I allowed myself to lie down in bed, cry myself to sleep, and wake up whenever I wanted. My dog curled up right beside me and was there several hours later when I woke up:)
ReplyDeleteWhile it is true that nothing changed during that long depression induced nap, I know that God knew I couldn't go on. I needed to just let Him take over.
Infertility is unbearable sometimes. So is adoption. We all have different sets of challenges and struggles with both, but our goal is the same.
I know you probably get tired of hearing this and it probably sounds cliche, but I/we are praying for you so much right now. Don't give up, keep trying to conceive AND adopt. You are called to be a mother which is why this is so hard. If you weren't this wouldn't be so painful and frustrating.
I still think you should pursue that idea we talked about in the car, have you thought or prayed about that any further?
xoxo, LH
My heart breaks to read your post. I know that no words can console you... it's just an awful place to be. I will keep praying for you, that God will bless you with some consolation. I hope your appointment goes well today!
ReplyDeleteI have felt much the same way: that battle between how I am feeling and how I want to feel.
ReplyDeleteNo advice, but in my house we have the "5 minute rule" which really isn't 5 minutes. I just think when something is going bad . . . whether its IF, illness, a bad hair day, or a run in your pantyhose . . . everyone needs a 5 minute break (not literal) just to be down about it. Pitch a fit, cry, get angry. In other words, let it all out. Then, move on. Focus on something you do have control of. Even if it is something tiny, I always feel better having accomplished it.
I hope you feel better.
I love the Etsy idea by the way.
Oh K, I am praying for you! I can relate to this post!!! You made some very good points that I think anyone dealing with IF feels like sometimes. I'll be praying that you hear about that job soon. IF is just so hard to handle I really wish none of us had to go this!!!
ReplyDeletexo,
Amber
Every ounce of my being wants to change your sorrow to joy, but I know that I can't do that, so I'll be praying and offering up my day for you...
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry you're going through this. It just tears you up to want something so badly, for so long, and have no way to get there. I do think getting a job might help. It will not only keep you busy, but you can save your pennies and maybe add another agency, or even two...a good thing to do with your time, and good motivation for being at work.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry. I think it's okay for you to feel this way. It is disheartening. Even though we know that God has a plan for us we still FEEL what we are going through.
ReplyDeleteI know you know everything I'm saying but you are growing so much in Him. I will lift you up in prayer.
I am so sorry for your pain.
Let it all out, deal with the pain when it comes, talk to God about it and allow Him to comfort you.
I do think the etsy shop idea is awesome, I was going back through your blog the other day and you make some incredible things that I'd love! :)
It would be a great way to raise money for your expenses.
Hugs sweet one. May God heal your pains and use you mightily for His glory!