Monday, October 12, 2009

God's other plan

I attended a talk at my parish tonight on prayer, and it has me thinking.

The priest said something I've heard many times before - that if you have a prayer that is going unanswered, perhaps God wants something different of you. His example had to do with thinking he wanted to become a veterinarian, but obviously God had other plans in mind for his career.

I understand this, but I've been praying for years for God to unveil His "other" plan for me, if there is such a thing, and yet nothing changes.

Maybe I will re-focus my efforts on this, asking God to please use us in some way, if not as parents.

I don't know. I just feel like so much time has been wasted. If God had some other purpose for Ryan and I, why wouldn't He have put us to good use years ago?

I know that those thoughts are prideful. I don't know more than God about His timing.

It makes me wonder, though, how much of the responsibility for this is on me? Should I just be seeking out some way for us to serve our Church and society, rather than waiting for some heavenly message from God Himself? Well, I know I could and should be doing more, but if God has some other plan in store for me other than being a mother, I hope He would place it on my heart in a real way.

Then I wonder if maybe it's my fault, maybe I haven't opened my heart completely to this other plan. Maybe I've just been pushing, pushing, pushing trying to conceive and adopt and not focusing on what He really wants for us.

And I've thought about how perhaps it's prideful to think God has some huge plan for us. Maybe His big plan is just for me to work on becoming closer to Him and a better wife.

Then again, maybe adoption is what He wants for us long term and we are where He wants us to be.

Obviously, as you can see, I am kind of all over the map tonight.

The priest also reminded me of one of my favorite - and most difficult - prayers, the Litany of Humility. I've blogged about it before, but I haven't prayed it in a while. It's not an easy one, that's for sure. But it reminded me that instead of allowing myself to be eaten up inside by jealousy over the pregnancies and adoptions of others, I should be praying that others become pregnant or adopt before me. I should want to be last.

That hurts, doesn't it? I guess that is my pride stinging. I need to remember that I don't deserve anything. I don't deserve to be pregnant just because I am married, or go to church, or own a home, or have been trying five years and one month, or any of the thousands of things I have thought over the years.

Maybe this is God reminding me that He has revealed His other plan for me - to work on my sinful ways.

5 comments:

  1. I too have had the same thoughts over the past years. It's hard. I'm praying for you. Hugs sweet one.

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  2. Hey K,

    I was so glad to see you and GIMH at the talk tonight. Sorry I couldn't visit but I had to jump in the confession line after that talk haha! Anyways, that priest is really nice to talk to about infertility (as I told GIMH) he had me in tears!!!! And he was so nice. He even said he can't imagine how it must feel since he is a man. It was unbelievable that he actually said that:)

    Praying for you!!!!!

    xo,
    Amber

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  3. Haha, I think we were blogging at the same time last night. But I'm glad we talked about different things because I completely forgot about that part of the talk. I wondered the same thing- if God doesn't want us to be parents right now, then what am I supposed to be doing? I will also need to bring that up during my prayer. You'll have to go to confession to him tonight- he pretty much had everyone who came out in tears (except for the hubs- haha!)

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  4. I wonder the same thing. I can't help but feel like I'm wasting my life. Sometimes though, it hits me: my vocation is marriage. I mean, in a more loose sense, people have "vocations" to be a doctor or mechanic or a mother or father (not to put parenthood on the same plane as an occupation, because it's so much more, but you know). But properly speaking, my marriage is supposed to be my means of getting to heaven and as much as I hate the thought of it, children might not be in God's plan. So while I work and wait through infertility hoping and praying for motherhood, I also realize that I have to take care of my marriage and also see where else I can serve God and the Church. Honestly, besides being a wife, it's all the volunteering that I do that keeps me from going crazy and makes me feel like I have some sort of purpose.

    Sorry that got long quick. Your post just made me think... :)

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  5. I think this is it in a nutshell. Our vocations are marriage, but there's more to search for, where the energy goes, the day-to-day - you know, St. Therese knew her vocation was the religious life once she became a Carmelite, but she still searched and searched for her calling in prayer, what special purpose God wanted of her. Children, being individual people, are obviously a special purpose. But if we don't have them, there has to be something else. And while it would be prideful to suppose it has to be glorious, I don't think there's anything wrong about expecting it to be marked and special - clear to us, and clearly worth the energy of our lives. I think it has to be there.

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