Wednesday, July 9, 2008

Patience and trust

So I made it to NY, and the drive wasn't too bad. Sophie did AMAZING, as always. At times I forget she is even with me, she is so good. I already miss my husband. I'll be making some money this weekend, though, so it's worth it. Plus I will be able to attend my grandparents' 60th anniversary party on Sunday, which I normally wouldn't have been around for (that sounds really bad, doesn't it? A paycheck will bring me here, but not their anniversary). Plus, it will be nice to see family and friends I haven't seen since my weight loss. That's always fun!

On the infertility front, I've been feeling lately like I really, really need to be patient. A little voice in my head is telling me to calm down, to ride it out, to go with the flow. Just hang in there and live day-to-day. Don't think about how long it may take, and definitely don't dwell on the thought that it may never happen.

I know the lives of the saints weren't all wonderful and easy, but the way many of them lived with just an abundance of pure trust in the Lord, it just seems so relaxing! If you TRULY trust the Lord, then there is no need to worry. They lived their lives one day at a time, thankful for the day God gave them, and happy to do good in his honor. They didn't waste time thinking about what he didn't give them, or what may not happen in the future. And why? Because they knew that God's plan was best. They weren't kind of sure. No, it was a fact. They TRUSTED. Purely and honestly. I don't think I've ever come close.

So how do I do it? I don't know. I could try the old "act like you trust and eventually you will trust" tactic; that's worked for me before. I could continue to pray about it, really pray about it. I could also put forth a full-blown effort to trust, which would mean rejecting all thoughts that would keep me from trusting, like jealousy of pregnant women, feeling sorry for myself, worrying it may never happen, everything. I also think that once you trust 100%, those feelings just go away. If you trust that the Lord's plan for you is best, than why on earth would you feel bad that you haven't gotten pregnant yet?

One thing is for sure - whether it's trust, patience, belief, or whatever, it doesn't come easy. Wanting it is not enough; I have found that we have to meet God half way. We have to put forth an effort, we have to show him we're serious. I don't know if that theory is theologically sound, but it's what I've found to be true from my experience. We also have to really want it. I'm not sure I do. Right now it's just easier to feel pain when I hear someone else is pregnant. It's what I know. I don't know if I'll ever be able to break that habit.

Well, if anyone has any suggestions, let me know. I don't want to continue on like this (depressed, angry, anxious). I want to change. It's just that I've been trying for almost four years and I haven't had much luck yet, but then again, maybe I haven't really tried.

6 comments:

  1. Well, the "fake it till you make it" approach is usually my go to when I'm in a rut, especially when I experience periods of spiritual dryness.

    I think allowing ourselves those times is helpful, too. Periods of anger and sadness and depression don't mean you're not trusting in God and His plan for you, it just means that you're human. He knows that, He accepts that! We always hold ourselves to a standard that God never does.

    Not that wallowing constantly in those feelings is healthy or helpful, but I think that accepting God's plan begins when we trust in Him enough to come to Him openly with our pain.

    FWIW, I think you seem to have an immense trust in God and His plan for you, I really do think it shines through your writing, even when it's painful.

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  2. I just love how strong you sound in this blog. I know it's hard... I keep a little prayer card on my nightstand with a picture of Jesus and the words, "Jesus, I Trust You." But do I always live by those words? Nope. Not even half of the time. It is so hard, and I can't even imagine what my emotions will/would be like 2 more years down the line.

    I just know that we all will come out of this triumphantly, singing God's praises... baby in womb or not. It will all make such perfect sense to us someday. And in the meantime, think of all the lives you are touching through your support group, your blog, and your documentary. Hundreds of people who may never have "known" you or been touched by your work, now have been affected in such good ways... including me :)

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  3. Have you read Eckard Tolle's "A New Earth"? I was hesitant to read it, but saw him on Oprah and I have to say, it was a real blessing to hear him and later to listen to the audio book (yay, iPod!). He was raised Catholic and has a very deep faith. Just because his book appeals to the masses doesn't mean that there isn't a lot of good in it. It has really crystallized so much of what the Bible already teaches for me; it really helps keep you in the moment and helps you stop listenig to that voice in your head that can make you crazy!

    I've thought before about suggesting you read it, but I'm always hesitant about giving unasked-for advice on someone else's blog. But, you asked! That's my suggestion. If you do decide to read it, let me know what you think. I am planning to listen to the whole book again this week (about my sixth listen).

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  4. I've found that I talk to myself (but not out loud :) every day to make the decision for that day about what my attitude is going to be. By giving myself that direction, I feel like that's something I can control while God does the rest.

    The theme that has been running through my head during all of this is "Let go and let God." I've heard it many times, but I think this is truly the first time I've realized how hard that can be. But trust in any relationship doesn't come overnight. God's just waiting till we come around.

    I was going through my quotation collection and found a prayer/essay that I really like, and I found it online, too. Enjoy. Here's the link: http://www.worship.ca/docs/p_62_ptdc.html

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  5. Hi, dear friend!

    I agree with Katie...
    I think that right now (although you don't want to be here) is a good time to "Be" with God and your emotions. Instead of trying to "fix" it, or get yourself back on track, ask Him to show you the way. Ask Him how He wants you to feel... and how to get where He wants you to go.

    You have a deep, beautiful faith... what a great gift. God will not abandon you, He loves you so. And I STILL believe that your heart's desires are real, put there by Him. God will see those desires to fulfillment (whatever that may be).

    I will pray for you. It's no fun to be "down," but sometimes I think God uses those times for us to rely solely on HIm and on no other human beings. God is a gentle, but jealous Father, who wants His children to run to Him, seeking His advice, and His warm, gentle guidance.

    Ok, I'm rambling (this is more of an email than a comment!)

    You of course have my prayers....and often.

    Oh...also... my iweb account won't let me publish any new posts. It's so weird...and frustrating.
    If you don't see me on there in a few weeks, check me out at www.afriendofgianna.blogspot.com. It'll be a work in progress.

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  6. when we feel down it's so hard to accept what god's plan is for us. i've tried so many ways to reason why we still haven't gotten pregnant: mr. jb says that god wanted us to learn how to live with one another before we had a child (that worked for year one and part of year two, but the argument is wearing thin in year three), we had to get our finances in order, and now we're thinking of doing some home reno to make more room in our house.

    i've tried to fill up my mopey times with doing things for others and for myself. i volunteer for a local catholic charity that reminds me that there are those that are much less fortunate that i am. when i'm sorting shoes or packing containers i'm reminded that at least i have the resources to find out why i can't have children.

    but with that said it's hard to be patient. there's a plan for all of us and it's up to us to be open to see what that is.

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