The big three

This new cycle is really kicking me in the butt. I am exhausted, and since I'm exhausted every day to begin with, I needed to italicize that to stress an increased level of exhaustion. I also doubled my dose of metformin yesterday, so hopefully 1000 mg might be enough to begin to actually alleviate my PCOS symptoms, like exhaustion. If that does happen, I don't know what I'll do with my new-found energy. Clean? Get more work done? Be able to stand up without nearly falling over each time? I'm getting excited already!

I would also like to take this moment to thank God that my endometriosis pain is gone. If it wasn't for my surgery, at this very moment I'd likely be downing ad.vil and holding a heating pad to my abdomen. I'm very blessed that I can complain about just being tired. How quickly I forget!

So lately I'm trying to work on the big three - trust, patience and hope. I'm praying about it, asking God for help, and trying to put each into action. When it comes to trust, I am trying to take cues from other areas of my life where I have a great deal of trust, like when it comes to our finances, my documentary, or, more recently, my husband's surgery. I have placed each of these in God's hands and I have no trouble leaving them there. But sometimes I wonder, perhaps that's possible because none of them are too serious, none are the equivalent of not being able to get pregnant. If my documentary doesn't make it, I'll be perfectly fine. If we were to have money trouble then we'd just cut back, and if something really serious happened financially, I have no fear that we'd end up homeless. There are always jobs and there are always family members who can help out. And if something bad did happen to my husband, well, I think I would most definitely struggle with trust. So I guess the real issue is trusting when things look bleak. I need to trust not that I'll be pregnant, but that I'll be okay if I'm not.

When it comes to patience, I have no choice. Well, I guess I could lament each day for the next four to nine months if I really wanted to. But since I know that I can't even hope to conceive before then (since the met needs to kick in), I will take this time to learn how to wait patiently. That means trying my best to not complain as I suffer. We'll see how that goes. Patience for me also means not over-analyzing every ache and pain I have, as well as not coming up with tons of philosophical and theological questions concerning infertility. I need to just relax, let go and act in a way that I know would please God.

And as for hope, I think it's contigent upon the other two. If I don't have trust or patience, I definitely won't have hope. I think what I really need to explore, though, is what I'm hoping for. I can't realistically hope for a pregnancy. I could, but I'd feel like I was lying to myself and the negative me would always follow up an ounce of hope with a big dose of "but it is very possible I won't ever get pregnant!" That's the cycle I've been in for nearly four years now. I think what I need to hope for is that one day I'll have joy. That can also be a tough pill to swallow ("but how can I possibly have joy if I'm infertile?"), but that just brings us back to trust.

For now, I just need to concentrate on riding this out and taking what comes my way. I need to cry when I feel like crying, but never feel like all hope is lost. When I have lost it in recent weeks, I have really lost it. Lately when I'm down, I feel like my life is a huge waste of time and God has just completely given up on me. I just hope the next time that happens that I can try to remember that God has not forsaken me and if I trust, the suffering will be easier to bear. I don't know if there's an easy fix for this, or if I just keep trying, failing, and trying again if it will start to sink in. God, please help me to heal spiritually and emotionally (and physically of course, if that's your will)!