Getting close

It seems like I spend some time every morning thinking of a new way to say how close we are. Yesterday there were several: "32 days," "next month," "three weeks until my parents arrive," "two weeks until we're in the two-week window." And, my personal favorite, "less time than has passed since Clara's baptism," because that seems like it was just yesterday!

I'm currently 35-and-a-half weeks. Tomorrow starts my weekly OB appointments, with next week's appointment being a biggy. That's when my doctor will, hopefully, be able to check to see if she feels the baby's head. The baby's head! The reason for this is to see if he's still breech but, to me, the excitement is over finding out there's actually a real human baby in there! With a head...that she can feel. (And hopefully it's not feet she feels, or else we might be scheduling a tentative c-section for 39 weeks.)

I'm starting to feel a little better, but I honestly think it's actually because my body is adjusting and I'm getting used to it. I know what to do when back pain, heartburn and side pain strike. But - and there's a TMI warning on this one - I have developed a new favorite third-trimester symptom... peeing myself. Sorry! It happens when I sneeze or cough. I actually have to laugh every time it happens!

I have heard the baby's movement sometimes lessens at this point, because they are running out of room, but my little guy seems more active than ever. I feel what I think are feet on my right, a butt in the middle up high, and (maybe this is wishful thinking) hopefully a head causing some pressure down low. I love it! I could sit there and watch him move all day.

And, as the end nears, it still never gets old thinking about how long we waited for this and the impossibility of it all. We walked around in a daze those first few weeks after getting a positive test, something we never thought possible (not after more than five years...there were even statistics that supported my pessimism!). While the daze has (somewhat) lifted, it's still totally unbelievable to us. We think constantly about what we were doing last year this time, how depressed I was, how hopeless I thought life was going to be for the remainder of my time on the planet. Soon it will be one year since we received a message from a stranger while in adoration. Then, about a week later, it will be one year since Clara came into the world at only 30 weeks (something we didn't know was happening at the time). A month after that, we'll remember the anniversary of getting "the call" (actually it wasn't so much "the call" as it was "the Facebook message" from a fellow blogger..haha!). And, of course, there will be the first anniversary of laying eyes on our daughter for the very first time.

Soon, those thoughts will turn into "what we were doing two years ago" and infertility will fade further and further into the past. It's inevitable. And, after all, it was always my prayer that it would. I am so blessed in that I don't feel the sting of it anymore. And the pregnancy didn't erase it; it was already gone when we brought home little Clara. I know this isn't the case for everyone, but it was for me and for that I am forever grateful.

Of course, I can call to mind those feelings at the drop of a hat. I'll never forget them and infertility will always be a part of my past (not to mention I will always have all my old blog posts to remind me of how terribly dark and distraught I was). I don't know why it was in God's plan to bless me and my husband in the way that He did, just like I don't know why He allowed us to suffer so deeply for so many years (another form of a blessing, I might add). Or why so many others still do.

I must cut this post off since I can't sit much longer (trust me, it's a pain that reminds me of my abundant blessings and I always offer it up for all of you still waiting). But before I go, here are a couple pictures of my little Clara on Halloween.

And speaking of what we were doing last year, I'm sure Sophie is relieved that I finally have a human baby to dress up instead of her...

Nursery pics

Have I mentioned we got the internet back? After a roughly four-month break, Ryan realized he needed it for a class he'll be teaching soon. So we have officially returned to 2010. Still no cable though. I have surprised even myself by realizing I'm fine without it. And, believe me, I was a t.v. addict (okay, I still watch t.v. all day, but losing the signal every 30 seconds is teaching me wonderful things about patience).

I dreamed for months, while typing with one finger on my phone, of sitting at our desktop, finally able to think coherently while writing a blog post. But as soon as I could attempt that last week, I quickly learned I'm unable to sit at the computer for more than three minutes before back and abdominal pain ensue (I'm actually starting to wonder if I'll ever be able to sit up again. I know things will [should] return back to normal after giving birth, but there's part of me that really wonders!).

So now that I'm back online (at least for the next few minutes), and can post pictures much easier, I thought I'd finally share some photos I took weeks ago of the new nursery...








I could never find a bedding set that I liked, so I decided to find a quilt and then design the room around it. I bought the quilt on Et.sy, and then chose the zoo animal fabric as the room's theme. I have a few more ideas of elements I want to add (some shelves, photos), but I probably won't be doing anything new until after Baby Boy is here. He'll be in a bassinet in our room for at least a couple months anyways. Actually this will be my parents' room well before he moves in!

Oh, and I'm happy to report I have a sense of peace about two name options. And don't get me wrong, I know that choosing a name isn't actually stressful; it's something I've looked forward to my entire life (choosing Clara's name was quite different in that we had about 48 hours to do so). It's a good kind of stressful. And now that I've settled on two possibilities, it's even better.

33 week appointment

First of all, I can't thank you enough for your kind comments and emails on my last post. You made me feel so much better and I'm so grateful for your support.

Now, I'll apologize ahead of time because I'm afraid this may be a stream of consciousness post...

I had my worse back pain episode yet on Saturday. Is it just me, or does back pain make you insane? I think I've said it before, but it's no wonder people with chronic back pain have issues with becoming addicted to pain medication. Maybe I should start offering my discomfort up for them.

So Ryan won a free lunch cruise at work and we decided to use it on Saturday. Wow, big mistake. First, I had to ride two hours in the car to get to it, then two hours were spent on the boat, then a two hour ride back. Sitting, the whole time. Have I mentioned sitting is the worst for my pain? Laying down or even standing is much better.

Well the cruise was sort of cheesy, the food (which is why we really went.. I'll never pass up a free meal!) was pretty bad, and I was writhing in pain the entire time. And the feeling of being trapped.. on a boat.. was not great psychologically for me when all I wanted to do was get home and lie down. I cried as we walked back to the car. Ugh.

The night before the cruise and the night of the cruise were tough as well. It felt like I hardly slept, tossing and turning with back and side pain all night long (and, of course, peeing every hour). Yesterday was great though. I took it easy, was able to take a morning nap, and even when I went out (and sat for an hour at Mass), I was fine. And then I slept great last night, which leads me to believe my days and nights are definitely linked, for better or worse.

Today, at my 33 week OB appointment, I told my doctor about the pain and, of course, she said there's nothing much I can do. But when I mentioned not sleeping at night, and how it makes the pain worse the next day, she decided to prescribe me Ambien (which she said was perfectly safe for me and baby). We'll see if I decide to take it. I think I will if my back pain is especially bad at night.

I also asked about how everyone is surprised at how far along I am, based on the size of my belly. She assured me I am measuring just fine and am very "appropriately pregnant." I like that!

And the surprise of all surprises, I didn't gain any weight the past two weeks! But then I wondered, is that necessarily a good thing? The baby is supposedly gaining, which would mean either he didn't gain or I actually lost? Oh well, I'm not going to worry about it and just be happy I have no additional weight to add to my back's already large load.

I also asked more about the baby being breech and what that would mean in a few weeks (she already told me that she will most likely be able to tell at my 36-week appointment if he's still breech when she does that strep test.. apparently she'll be able to feel the head if he's head down). She said what typically happens is that they'll schedule a c-section for 39 weeks (my aunt, a L&D nurse, had already assured me they do an u/s right before the section in case he has turned) and, if possible, we'll discuss doing a version in the meantime. She didn't want to go into too much detail about the version, though, since it may not come to that and there are a lot of unknowns at the moment regarding it. I got the feeling she felt that discussing it might unnecessarily cause me to worry.

I have had a feeling of where the baby might be positioned as of late and asked her about it. At first she said I probably can't really tell, but the more I described his movement (or lack thereof in certain areas) and what I've been feeling, she thought it was a good sign. I used to feel kicks way down low (which were scary at first, like something was coming out of me!), but those have completely disappeared. For a few days last week I distinctly felt that he was transverse. When I felt any movement, I felt it across the entire top of my belly, from the left to the right, like a wave. Now, if I had to guess, I would say he's diagonal, with his feet on my upper right side. I told the doctor basically all of the movement I feel is in my upper right side, and she thought that was a great sign because you typically feel their feet rather than their head.

I know there's still a lot of time left, but we're just crossing our fingers and praying our hearts out that he turns himself (or has already).

I'll go back in two weeks and then after that my appointments become weekly. It's so crazy to think I'm almost to the point of weekly appointments!

On another topic, I'm starting to think about packing my hospital bag. In just about a month I'll be in the "zone" where it could possibly happen any day. I want to have the car seat purchased by then (well, we could use Clara's in a pinch) and my bag packed. We'll see if that really happens. Anyway, do any of you moms have any advice? At first I thought I wanted to get a cute pair of pajamas (I currently wear non-maternity shorts and tank tops to bed and they're getting uncomfortable!), but then I heard it's not practical and could get ruined (especially if you have a vaginal delivery). But I'm still thinking a robe might be good? Slippers? Please let me know what you brought, what worked, what didn't, etc., etc.

And in an answer to prayer, my mom found out she is getting time off of work to come down at Thanksgiving and stay for quite a while afterward (my dad will come and return home for a time to deal with work). I am so beyond excited. I am already dreaming of her helping with Clara in my last week of pregnancy, and, of course, after. We're so blessed!

Alright, Clara needs to eat so I'll wrap this up. Thanks so much for your prayers. Please know I am praying and offering up pain for all of you still waiting. You are never far from my thoughts.

An update

I'm just going to say right off the bat that I apologize if this sounds like a complainer post. I honestly don't know how to talk about what is going on with me without sounding like I am complaining. Other bloggers do it much more eloquently; they write about their pregnancy aches and pains yet somehow they still come across sounding sweet and, I'm assuming, non-pregnant readers don't want to slap them. I feel that I might not be as successful with that. So I apologize ahead of time. I just find it hard to post at all without being honest about what has become my life as of late, so here it is...

My right side pain, while not constant (thank God), is nearly unbearable. I can't breathe while it's happening. And, while I can barely move or speak during an attack, inside I lose it. I haven't found anything that lessens the pain in the moment, just as I haven't discovered if anything tends to cause it more than anything else. I try to offer it up, but I handle it so poorly that only God knows if it's doing any good.

My back pain is getting worse every day. I spend 90% of the day flat on my back, which doesn't work well with an active 10-month old. I'm able to get up if she needs me, of course, it's just that I can't really go out and do something outside of the home for a couple hours without paying for it later. And car rides are becoming impossible.

The heart burn is still a constant presence (despite constantly popping tums and maxing out my daily allowance of Zantac), and now I can add to that a return of nausea and major eating problems (basically I've reverted back to the first trimester and nearly every food grosses me out). I'm eating terribly, and not drinking anywhere near what I need to be drinking.

The fatigue is still bad. I fight to stay awake every day in the late afternoon-evening, and I have no motivation to do anything. My house is a mess, and I don't even take walks.

I have major guilt over everything I am letting go by the wayside. I want to do more, be a better mom, do all the "right" things, but that desire does not outweigh my mental and physical fatigue (which, I believe, is only made worse by my pain).

And to top it all off, I torture myself by reading blogs about all the wonderful things everyone is doing (with multiple kids, pregnancy, health problems, etc., etc.) and I feel like such a failure.

I have small (very small) goals. I try to do one, maybe two, things a day that make me feel like I accomplished something (and believe me, these are things most of you probably do in your sleep).

Right now our family couldn't exist without my husband working full time and picking up all of my slack, as well as listening to me constantly say how sick I feel (I don't blame him if he's immune to me saying that by now). And while I am so appreciate of his help, it's a double-edged sword because I feel terrible guilt over the fact that he works all day AND does so much around the house. But I am so incredibly blessed that he is more than willing to do whatever he can.

On the bright side, I think it will get better. I have always been lazy, but last year I learned that I can blame it on adrenal fatigue and not just a major personality defect. Yay! I am looking forward to (hopefully) going back on the cortisol after this pregnancy and returning to a normal, contributing member of society.

And while I desperately needed to vent about this at the moment, I should also add that I still love being pregnant and still have thoughts about how much I will miss feeling Baby #2 move after he's born. As much as I absolutely can't wait to meet him and see his little face, thinking of him being asleep in the other room and my belly being empty makes me oddly want him to never leave my womb. Of course, I'm sure the feeling of wanting him out of there will increase exponentially in the coming weeks, but there's just something about that feeling of him totally squirming around that I will definitely miss.

And I will be so incredibly blessed if I can be pregnant again, and will gladly welcome it as soon as God wills for it to happen.

I feel terrible saying anything negative while I am so blessed to be pregnant and would have never believed a year ago that I'd ever be capable of ever having a bad thought again in my life if I was given the miracle of a pregnancy. I was always in shock when I'd hear pregnant women talking as if their lives were just going on as normal, complaining about mundane things. I wanted to be like, "but you're PREGNANT! Don't you get it? You should never be anything but completely and utterly joyful every second for the rest of your life!" So I apologize if my honesty annoys any of you in the same way that I'm sure I have been annoyed in the past.

On a lighter note, guess what else I have been stressing out about lately? Picking a name! I honestly think we might have to leave the hospital with Baby Boy on the birth certificate. Is that even how it works? Do they not let you leave, or is that a myth? I have a feeling that we may find out...

My little pumpkin

I love this one









Clara and her best bud, E






Even I can admit I don't look 32 weeks here :)

Someone missed her nap

The big tour

Well there's nothing quite like touring labor and delivery rooms to make you realize you're going to have a baby soon!

We had our hospital tour today (Saturday) and I have to admit I was a little nervous going into it. I was kind of surprised at my anxiety, because I haven't really feared labor the entire pregnancy. But I think today it was just a fear of the unknown.

The tour went great, the rooms are nice (well, the labor and delivery rooms are nice.. the rooms you move to afterward leave something to be desired) and I was happy with everything the nurse/tour guide told us (just regarding hospital rules, who can be in your room, the fact that you're not hooked up to your bed until you get an epidural, you can wear your own clothes, etc., etc.).

Somehow - and I shouldn't be surprised by this - it took only about ten minutes for our story to be divulged to the entire group. The nurse asked if anyone had any children so I shook my head 'yes'. She proceeded to tell us that children are allowed in when accompanied by an adult and asked how old my child was. And, of course, when I answered, "ten months," others on the tour openly gasped. I just imagined them all doing the math in their heads and thinking I was super fertile (and probably crazy!).

Then, later, when another person on the tour asked a question about what happens after you spend the first hour with your baby, the nurse answered him and then looked right at me and asked if that's what I experienced after my last delivery. That's when I cleared things up by telling the group that this was actually my first pregnancy and our daughter was adopted. The nurse got really excited, congratulating me over and over, and I could still see the wheels turning in everyone's heads (and I'm sure more than one had the very typical thought, "that always happens!").

And let me just say, this was not a rowdy group where everyone got to know each other. Nope, just me! Hardly any else even spoke a word.

Another surprising thing that happened on the tour was I had to hold back tears a number of times! Good tears, though, not scared-to-death tears. I guess it just suddenly seemed so real, that after all this time it was happening to me.

And then, seeing the babies in the nursery, I just couldn't believe our baby is going to be born at that hospital in just a matter of weeks.

To use, once again, my most over-used word in the past seven months, it's just so surreal.

Our stop in the NICU, though, made me tear up thinking about Clara. I know all about the story of what happened to her before we were in the picture, but actually being in a NICU made it really sink in. She was one of those teeny-tiny babies hooked up to tubes.

It also made me realize that we need to send her NICU nurses a card with pictures updating them on her progress. Our tour guide told us they live for those updates. And Clara definitely has a happy one.

Speaking of Clara, she visited the pumpkin patch today with her buddy E, so adorable pictures are coming soon!

Popping out

The other day at moms' group, not one, but two mothers could not tell I was pregnant by looking at me! They were even more surprised to hear I was seven months along.

Since I waited so long to be (and look) pregnant, stuff like that used to bug me, but not anymore. I think it's kind of funny at this point, because at home I act as if my belly is huge! I can't bend over, I can't get up from lying down without a struggle, and if I want a pedicure or shaved legs, Ryan might just have to do it. Oh well. Even if I don't look it, my baby is the size he should be at this point, basketball belly or no basketball belly!

Everyone has told me I should "pop" between weeks 30 and 32, but tomorrow I'll hit 32 and it hasn't happened yet. Well, I think it has, but clearly I'm not at the point where it's obvious to others (but, as a friend said the other day, anyone who knew me before would definitely be able to tell).

It'll happen, but even if it doesn't that's fine (and perhaps less uncomfortable). All I care about is meeting our son. Wow..the thought of that gives me chills. Only 56 days to go!

Speaking of moms' group, Clara loves it. Here she is exploring...

And here she is enjoying one of her favorite pasttimes - playing with her own reflection. Notice how she looks under the mirror for the other baby!