A very happy Easter

 ...from Clara and Luke.

You don't even want to know the bribing that was involved in this.

Hope you had as blessed an Easter as we did!

Ovary pain and weight gain

First - the weight gain. I am still gaining weight. It's crazy! Okay, so I'm not eating as healthy as I could, but I'm not eating bad enough to gain this much. I'm going to burst at the seams!

I'm trying not to let it get to me, but as all women know, that's hard. I'm focusing on my diet this week, and slowly cutting the more obvious offenders, although so far it isn't helping. This week I'm going to drink only water (I was down to one very small glass of diet coke a day) and no sweets (I was definitely having a little too much ice cream there for a while). I have been eating a lot of white flour and that's over with now too.

My motivation is definitely going to be fitting into my clothes. I am quickly growing out of everything I own and I can't afford to buy new. I did cave and buy some new jeans, against my better judgment, and now less than a month later, they are already getting tight. 

I honestly wouldn't care so much except that a couple times a week I do have to actually go into public, which requires changing out of my sweatpants. Oh, how I love sweatpants. They are definitely a crutch.

You know it's bad when you weigh more than you did when your baby was very small. Oh man, I better not have to dip into my maternity clothes. And not because that'd be depressing, but because it'd be depressing when they were too small!! 

So the cause of the weight gain... I'm not sure but I have my suspicions. Well, there's food of course, ha ha (and if I were honest here about my eating habits I'm sure you'd wonder why I was questioning this at all). It could also be that nursing has slowed down, which happened right around the time the weight gain started. It could be my old friend insulin resistance, which I know I have, and which I should probably get in check now when my hormones (LH and FSH) are still normal. 

There's also progesterone. I gained weight in November/December when I was on it, and then again in Feb/March when I was on it once again. I didn't gain in January when I wasn't taking it. See why I think there might be a connection? But why would taking progesterone (prometrium in Nov./Dec. and compounded natural progesterone more recently) cause weight gain? My progesterone is low and this is making it normal. I don't get it. 

When I asked my doctor about the weight gain a couple months ago, he immediately told me to start taking DHEA. It was a quick phone call so I didn't ask why that would help, but has anyone heard of that? I keep putting off buying it, but I'm definitely going to do it soon.

I also started taking Armour Thyroid last week, and I'm very much hoping that might help with the weight. Crossing my fingers.

Now for the pain. I thought I was ovulating yesterday (cycle day 15) because I had the recognizable pain on one side (more on that later), but then today that pain has only increased. My ovulation pain never lasts for two days. And today it's more of a dull ache, and hurts when I sit or move too much. For a while this afternoon I had to sit down and put a movie on for the kids because it was that bad. 

I'm getting pretty nervous that there's something else going on because I looked back at my charts and I have pain only on the right side around cycle day 14-16 every month. Every month since November. Right side pain. 

Today, it occurred to me to look back at what side I ovulated on when I conceived (two years ago exactly), and it was the left. The left! So I'm really getting curious now. 

My first instinct was that something must be wrong with the right because of all the pain (that's the side I had emergency surgery on for an endometrioma back in August, 2009). But now I'm wondering if something is wrong with the left because there is no pain whatsoever. 

Sounds like an ultrasound series might be in my future. I love ultrasound series. There's nothing as informative, in my experience. That's what it all comes down to. Am I releasing that egg.

Until I get around to actually calling and asking for one though, I am going to think positively that it might just be a really good ovulation. After all, I have amazing mucus still today to go along with that theory. Doesn't the fluid left after ovulation sometimes cause pain? Or did I make that up?

Well I just sneezed loudly and woke up Luke, so time to go. I'd love any advice you may have on any of this! And prayer buddy - please pray that I can start this diet! Between pregnancy and breastfeeding, I've been stuffing my face for two years now! It was only a matter of time before it'd catch up with me. 

An infertile dream

I fulfilled a long-held infertility dream today. You know those random things you think about when you're crying about not being a mother? Well, for me, a big one was wanting to take my children to an amusement park. Not a huge one with roller coasters - because that is most definitely not my style - but one for toddlers or young children.

Okay, so my dream got pretty specific. It was to take my kids to Sesame Place. I coveted it. I planned it out in my mind. And then, when we miraculously had not one, but two children come into our lives, I started to literally plan a trip. I couldn't wait until they were (barely) old enough, and we decided this year would be the year.

But then lately I realized, to my delight, that it was more economical to take them to the Sesame park inside the Busch Gardens right near us.

So, after saving all year, this...

Became these...

And the best part is we can go to the park as often as we'd like until September 3! I'd say that's a pretty awesome way to spend loose change!

The kids (who are free, by the way) loved it. I wish I had taken a picture of Clara's face when we walked into the Sesame part. She lit right up. 

And Luke - a HUGE Elmo fan - was in his glory, randomly yelling, "Elmo! Elmo!" everywhere he looked. We actually didn't even see the real Elmo since we could only make a quick trip today, but they didn't care!

There are a bunch of rides they can go on for their height (plus others in the rest of the park that we didn't even try today), but I don't think we'll be doing this Oscar the Grouch one anytime soon. Let's just say I'm glad I didn't get sick, and I'm hoping I didn't scare Clara off of rides for good! She's smiling here only because it was at the start...

Ahh.. this is more our speed. Both kids were absolutely thrilled to ride the train around the park.

See how blessed I am?

I shouldn't need anything else in the world when I have this on the other end of my camera lens...

We were literally only there for an hour today, since Ryan had to get to work. But when you can go back as often as you like, you can go for an hour! Okay, maybe in the future we'll try to go on a day when we can stay a little longer.

This was huge for me today. And that might sound weird to some people, but not to those who know what it's like to dream for so long. Those detailed dreams you conjure up when you're crying for the hundredth day in a row. Of course I wanted to just be a mother, but after five years of trying you start to get specific in the things you imagine. This just happened to be one of them for me. 

It's one of those days when you reflect on how far you, only by the grace of God, have come. And one of those days when you remember what it felt like in the trenches. Because the joy I feel today is amplified by the memory of how much I longed for it. 

Night out

For the first time in a long time, we had a night out on Tuesday. Oh, it was so needed!

After four loooooong car rides, being away from Ryan for a week, and a bunch of sickness lately, I was ready to be off the clock. I always miss the babies terribly when we're away, but when you are responsible for your children 24 hours a day, every day, your mind just doesn't get to rest. I'm always worried they're going to wake up, or that I smell the fifteenth poopy diaper of the day, or that one of them is about to have a tantrum. But when I'm out, that worry stops. 

Well, sort of. I have to consciously remind myself that there's nothing I'm currently responsible for. Maybe that wouldn't be a problem if I was a fan of alcohol, but I'm not!

Yes, that's a wall behind us. We were in the second to last row from the very top

We went to see the Sabres who were in DC to play the Capitals. It was a really important game - and they won big - which made it all the more exciting. I don't know a lot about hockey, but I was really into it.

Go Sabres! 5-1 win!

Since we literally do not have any babysitters other than adult friends who we feel guilty asking, my wonderful mother-in-law and sister-in-law came all the way from North Carolina to watch Clara and Luke. It was so generous of them. I even looked into getting a hotel room on the way home for the night (more so that our crazy dog didn't bark when we got home and wake the house up) but I just can't stomach paying almost $100 for a budget hotel room along a highway. Is it just me?

And speaking of generous in-laws, Auntie Ashley even brought some adorable new clothes for the kids...

Luke's ready to hit the links

One thing is for sure, the kids don't even miss us when we're gone. They are so adaptable, no matter who is watching them. We're lucky that way. And lately I'm noticing Luke seems to be weaning himself. I find myself begging him to nurse! But he looks right at me and says, "Baba, Mama!" and points to the kitchen. It sure makes it nice for when we have a babysitter.

Since the game wasn't my exact idea of a dream date (don't tell him that I did actually have a lot of fun!), Ryan surprised me by having a friend watch the kids on Sunday night so we can go see the Hunger Games. Two dates in one week? I don't know what to do with myself!

Pink toes

I thought I'd have to wait until she was three, but no. Clara saw my painted toes and wanted some of her own. She didn't have to ask me twice!

And the kicker - when Ryan went to get her from her crib this morning, he found her stripped down to her diaper saying, "Pink toes! Pink toes!" (Well, he thought she was saying "Pig toes," but I knew what she really meant). I'm convinced she took off her jammies, which had feet, because she wanted to see her pretty polish.

Luke was clueless about all the pedicure stuff. But I did come across something neat tonight having to do with him.

So, he happens to like to smile this big open-mouthed smile a lot. I've noticed it for a while, but then last week he did it every time he was around his new baby cousin. It's kind of his thing.

Well, I have officially discovered where he got it from. That's me in the middle.

Not such a mini-Ryan after all!

I'm normal, and pictures

A nurse from my doctor's office called this evening to tell me that all of my recent blood work came back normal. Normal LH, FSH, TSH, and even normal prolactin.

My prolactin was high during infertility and I took medication to lower it. Now, as a breastfeeding mother, it's low-normal (I did read something about it going down after you've breastfed for a long time, which I suppose I have).

I found myself a little dejected after hanging up. But then I realized I should consider it a good thing everything is normal. During my five-and-a-half years of infertility, things were definitely not normal. Along with my high prolactin, my LH/FSH ratio was out of whack, my thyroid was off, and I had severe endometriosis pain. All those abnormal things and I wasn't conceiving.

So I'll keep nursing Luke for the time being (assuming my prolactin being normal means my lack of conception isn't due to breastfeeding). And I guess I'll just wait and see what happens.

I think there's something nice about being normal (other than the obvious). Only then can I really let God take over. When there are issues to be resolved - as there were during my infertility struggle - you are busy "helping God" with the logistics of appointments, treatments, diets, ultrasounds, researching, etc., etc. But if things are truly normal, then I have nothing left to do but leave it in God's hands, and trust that whatever happens is ultimately the best for our family. It sounds very liberating right now. Especially since I do trust God. It's not very difficult after the way he's grown our family so far. It's when I doubt myself and whether I'm doing enough that I get into trouble.

*******

We had the pleasure of watching Clara and Luke's friend E this afternoon and, as always, there were some good photo opportunities with these three.

As anyone who has tried to photograph kids knows, if I had attempted to get them to sit like this, it wouldn't have worked...

Or stand like this... This was all them...

E sat like this for a while, looking so very adult-like in the way he relaxed with a little grin on his face. It just made me smile...

I am so excited about this find - $20 on Craigslist! It's our only outdoor toy and it was desperately needed so that they'll stop trying to play with the grill (who am I kidding, that probably won't stop). New ones sell for around $140. I might even be able to re-sell it in the fall for a profit!...

I think of a different caption every time I look at this one... I think it's actually a "where it'd go?" look, but he also kind of seems like he's saying, "Are you going to mess with this?"...

On the other hand, I have no doubt what Clara was thinking in this one - "Please, E, just one sip. My mommy doesn't give me the Lactaid anymore. I need it bad. Please?!?!"

And then there's this one...

...which makes me think back to when these two first met, sitting on our leather recliner in our living room the day we brought Clara home...

Seems like just yesterday.

Answered prayer

*On a completely unrelated topic, I first want to ask you to please pray for a woman named Kim, a mother of four, who had to have emergency surgery this evening for a bowel obstruction. My mom called me tonight to specifically request that I ask all of you for your prayers. Thank you!

Lord, look upon Kim with eyes of mercy, may your healing hand rest upon her, may your lifegiving powers flow into every cell of her body and into the depths of her soul, cleansing, purifying, restoring her to wholeness and strength for service in your Kingdom. Amen. 


*************

It's an adoption tax credit miracle!

We woke up this morning ready to go. I had already emailed my mom overnight so that she would know to contact her bank in the morning to ask for a copy of the cashiers check. We had also called and emailed the secretary at the attorney's office. We were just waiting to hear. 

Soon, my mother called to say the representative from her bank branch searched for her cashiers check, but they were only able to look as far back as January 7 (the check was from January 4). Seriously, what are the chances? It's also complicated by the fact that my mother doesn't have a receipt from the check, so there's no check number to search for.

She told my mom she could pay to do a search, but that it costs $25 an hour. When my mom asked if you can limit the search time to, say, an hour or two, the woman said she honestly didn't know because no one had ever asked for a search before (apparently no one has ever had $12,000 on the line!).

My mother felt bad, but vowed to search through her old receipts, purses and anything she could think of where her slip from the cashiers check might be. 

Then, we talked to Ryan's mom, who had already read my blog post from last night and contacted her bank and was waiting to hear from them.

We went through all of our adoption records hoping that maybe the check copies had been there all along. Nothing.

I took a shower and prayed the whole time. I prayed for everyone who was looking for us - my mom, Ryan's mom, my sisters, the secretary - that they would all find copies. After I prayed for all the specific intentions, I started saying Hail Marys over and over. 

At one point, I thought about how there were either copies or there weren't, and my prayers weren't going to change that. But then I immediately had the thought that yes, they could. An image popped into my head of the secretary leafing through a file cabinet, and how maybe my prayers at that very moment could make her look a little longer, not get interrupted, look in the right place. 

I started imagining Ryan swinging open the bathroom door and shouting, "She found them! She found them!" But I was done and he hadn't busted in. I turned off the water, got out, and checked my email on my phone. 

There were two emails from the secretary. I immediately went to the first one she had sent, which read that she was very sorry, but she doesn't ever make copies of the cashiers checks. Apparently, because they have an adoption affidavit that they filed that lists all expenses and what was paid, that's typically all that's needed (we already have this, and it will help, but we needed the checks too). I was bummed, but it was what I had expected. 

Then I remembered the other email and clicked on it. To my shock, she had emailed back two minutes later to say she had FOUND THE CHECKS! She said while she never makes copies of them, the attorney must have done it that day back in 2010. They were mixed in with some completely unrelated documents in our file. I couldn't believe it!

She had been looking while I was in the shower! I had prayed that she'd look a little longer, not give up, and she hadn't! It's amazing to think that even though she knew she didn't make any copies of them, she kept looking. And there they were!

So, as it turned out, I got to burst out of the bathroom and announce to Ryan, "She found them! She found them!" Ahhh... what a relief.

And the other awesome part is that we realized cashiers checks don't have names on them since they are like cash. So hopefully we won't have to get into who the money was from, how we have paid it back, promissory notes, and all of that. Not that we couldn't explain all of it, because we can, but I just figure less complicated is better when it comes to taxes. 

What a relief (did I already say that?). Now we are just like every other family waiting to hear about their adoption tax credit money. I'm so excited! We have a fighting chance!

We are also working with someone for our audit. When we filed our taxes through Turbo Tax, we paid a little extra for audit insurance. We contacted them today and they are going to tell us everything we should do. 

So thank you so much for your prayers. I truly believe those checks were found because of prayer, and that prayer may have even led the attorney to make those copies two years ago (prayer knows no space and time, right?). I shouldn't be surprised - God has guided us through every step of this adoption. 

And another added bonus - when I was looking through all of our adoption information, I found some stuff from Clara's hospital stay that I have looked through dozens of times before. But this time, I noticed that there was an order form for newborn pictures from the hospital and that there was a photographer's initials on it. I realized someone must have actually taken the photographs! I figured I'd check the website listed, but that they were probably long gone. Then I noticed something fall out of the photography booklet and it was pictures of Clara! I had found a proof sheet of four little photos of her. They all say "PROOF" across them, but I'll take it. We have so few pictures of her from her time before meeting us, that I was thrilled to come across these. (And I later checked the website only to find that the pictures are, in fact, no longer available).

I love these! It means so much to me to have them. And to think that they've been there all along. 

Our little munchkin. This whole thing has given me a chance to reflect again on how blessed we are to have her. 

Money or no money, we already have what really matters. And now, shockingly, we might end up with the money too! I know it'll be a very long process, but even a long wait sounds wonderful now because until this afternoon we didn't think we'd have any shot. God always surprises us.