Good news

That's not something I'd normally title a post on cycle day one (which today happens to be), but that shows how important this good news is. I finally got the call I'd been waiting for - I only have to take my temps and pulses once a week! Yay! I almost started crying when I heard this. I know that sounds very silly, but anyone who is or has been part of the PPVI thyroid study knows how much this medication controls your life. I'll still be taking the T3 and I still won't be able to eat for six hours a day, but that's fine. It's good enough that I won't have to carry around my folder with my temp and pulse chart and my thermometer, hear my cell phone alarm go off all day and stop what I'm doing each time. I will also no longer have to feel guilty about missing my temp times and taking them at like 11 p.m. midnight and 1 a.m., something I've done many times (don't tell PPVI!).

That's not the only good news today. I also have now officially lost 20.2 pounds! And that means my current weight has now entered a new bracket, if you know what I mean. For instance, my weight is 1_9 (sorry, I'm not low enough yet that I want to post the exact weight!). It was very exciting to see that on the scale!

And there's even more fun news. Last night I met my first infertility blogger friend in person! Amber and I met for dinner and had a great time (despite the fact the there was a baby shower going on right next to us - how funny is that?). She's moving to Richmond and will even be going to the same parish as me. She is super cool, and it's nice to talk to someone who knows exactly what you're going through.

So as I mentioned, today is cycle day one, although I'm kind of confused whether yesterday may have been instead. Three days ago I had spotting, two days ago I had no spotting, and yesterday I had spotting but also saw clear, lubricative and stretchy mucus. So does yesterday still get a red sticker, which would make it the first day of the cycle? It always bugs me when I have to do that. I'm not sure why, but it just does. It's like I have to rob days from my luteal phase (which I really want to be longer) and tack them onto the beginning, which does no good.

Anyways, now that it's over, this cycle was pretty good. It was 29 days long (or 28, if yesterday was actually cd1), my luteal phase was 12 days (or 11), I had one peak day again (yay!), and seven days of mucus. And when I entered my temps into Fertility Friend, it said it detected ovulation, which it did not say last month. I suspect I did ovulate last month as well, but this just means my temps are getting more normal and normal is good!

In even more good news, I'm not depressed that today is cd1. That's big. I usually want to do something fun to get my mind off of it, but today I'm fine. I'm focusing on the fact that things look much more normal and I know my body is slowly getting on track. I have to give it time, and for the next four months or so, I really need to be patient. And at least for today, I'm okay with that.

Surgery, dancing, and even a cycle update

Thank you all for your prayers for my husband. We found out today that he does have to have surgery on his back, which he'll have this coming Monday. He has a herniated disc and a fragment broke off and is pinching a nerve. If it was just painful, the surgeon said he might try treating it with physical therapy, but because my husband's leg is showing signs of weakness, it becomes a much more urgent matter.

The surgery is apparently pretty easy, as far as back surgeries go. It should only take like 20-30 minutes and he'll stay in the hospital overnight. He will have to be out of work for two weeks, which he was kind of nervous about at first. God has already taken care of that for us, though, and he'll be able to go on short-term disability without losing all of his vacation days (not having any vacation time for half of the year is tough when your family's eight hours away). We are still a little worried about money and paying for our portion of the surgery expenses. We paid off our credit cards last year and even managed to pay off expenses for both of my surgeries without going into debt, so we hope we'll be able to do the same this time. We don't know exactly how that will happen yet, but we're trusting God (something I'm great at when it doesn't involve my own infertility).

Turning to a completely different topic - did you see tonight's episode of So You Think You Can Dance? You know it's a good episode when I have to save it on my DVR indefinitely (it's right there with the Saturday Night Live episode featuring the Mahmoud Ahmadinejad digital short. Had we not moved last year to a new state and a new cable provider, the 2006 American Idol finale would be there as well). Let me just say, it started out strong when they announced Comfort was back, and it only got better when I found out she was paired with Twitch! Then to top it all off, they got hip-hop! Seems unfair, but it works for me! Okay, so they're hip-hop dance was A-MAZING! Or "buck" as Lil C likes to say. It's my favorite hip-hop routine this season, if ever. And then Will and Katee's second routine - I'm speechless!

Okay, sorry if you don't watch the show but I provided links to get you all caught up. Do yourself a favor. And while you're at it, watch this one too.

On the infertility front (do I have to? yes, this is an infertility blog).. I had some spotting last night (Tuesday) but none so far today (1:45 a.m. is still Wed. to me, so you'll just have to keep up with the day references). My temp dropped this morning to 98.2, so this cycle will probably come to an end in the next two days. It's weird that I can predict that now! Definitely not something I am use to.

Okay, time to go to bed.

*Update: So I just saw something very out of the ordinary for me - peak-type mucus (or what appears to be peak-type mucus) on cd 29. And I'm talking 8KL. I know I shouldn't over analyze, but I'm just curious what that could mean about my hormones. My temperature has been dropping for two days now (which I assume has to do with progesterone dropping. And, by the way, do normal cycles see a sudden temp drop? My dr. said one of my problems is that my prog. drops too gradually, so I should probably hope that eventually my temp drops more suddenly, right?) and my period is expected tomorrow, so what would cause peak-type mucus at this point? I've read that some women get this before their period, but I never have. I wish I could just be permanently hooked up to some portable monitor that is constantly reading-out all of my hormone levels. Yes, I would wear one.

I'm tired, too tired to think of a good title

I'm back in VA. I've got so much I should be doing, but instead I feel like taking a day to rest. Well, at least a half-day to rest. This morning my husband had a doctor's appointment for his leg pain. The doctor was much better than the ER (obviously) and thinks it is a problem with a disc, which is probably pinching a nerve. He ordered an MRI, and my husband got in right away because the doctor called it "urgent," due to the fact that my husband's leg showed signs of weakness. So hopefully we'll hear back today or tomorrow and we're hoping surgery isn't necessary, but if it is, we'll deal with it. I just want his pain to go away and for him to return to normal.

Meanwhile, I'm tired. That's just my overall mood right now. I've had this nagging feeling lately to handle this infertility stuff better and I'm trying. I really am. But right now I'm tired physically and emotionally.

On Sunday, we had an anniversary party for my grandparents and some of my cousins had their babies there (and I should add that one of those cousins isn't married, and the other two were married well after I was. That's always nice). One baby in particular hadn't been seen yet by most of the family so, of course, a big deal was made of it. I tried to handle it well, but I couldn't help but sit there at lunch, eating lettuce and scraping the fried coating off my chicken parmesan, feeling sorry for myself. It was so clear at that moment - I was sitting there, childless, unable to eat most of the food, while everyone else could have kids and a normal diet (I know food and pregnancy are no where near each other on the importance scale, but it just made for a stark contrast). Sometimes it just doesn't seem right at all.

So there I was at the party when all of a sudden I became acutely aware of one thing - I am unable to have kids. Has anything like that ever happened to you? It's happened to me in the past and always seems to come out of nowhere. Something I live with every day, something that is most definitely not new, just all of a sudden hits me hard. I am unable to have kids. I am that woman. This is my life. It's like it hits me in my heart with a force that I must find a way to supress every other moment, without even realizing it. It's almost like an out-of-body experience, where I am, for a second, looking at myself with new eyes. And it shouldn't surprise me, but it always does. Wait a minute, are you saying I'm unable to have kids? Un-able? Like, I'm barren? And I may never have a baby to bring to family parties? I wonder if anyone there noticed that I was completely out of it for a few minutes.

On the way home (when I was by myself, of course) I cried. But this time it wasn't in a bratty way, but because I just couldn't help it. After a few minutes, I dried my tears and went on with my day.

I know I won't be pregnant any time soon, I just pray it happens some time in the years to come. I think, for many, there is a point in the infertility struggle when you go from believing it could happen each month, to struggling to maintain a shred of hope each month, to knowing it won't happen for a long time, if ever. For me, the first phase of having monthly hope probably lasted a year and a half. The phase of trying to muster up some hope lasted through the remainder of year two, and then year three was when I realized it wasn't going to happen. I'm not saying it won't happen ever, but mine is a much bigger picture. Now the struggle becomes one of patience and how to handle what will likely be a long wait. So I'm now trying to focus on the small things - like that my chart looks much more normal, my temperature appears to be doing the right thing, and I'm on medication for PCOS. Things are looking up lately. Not for a pregnancy any time soon, but for a pregnancy some day.

Alright, sorry to ramble. My husband left the room a while ago and I'm hoping he fell asleep, but I should go see if he's okay. Hopefully I'll have some good news about him tomorrow.

Normalcy is good

First of all, thank you guys for your supportive comments on my last post. I was a little nervous to put that out there, but I'm not anymore. Not only do I feel like it should be said, but I'm starting to wonder if maybe I am among those who should be saying it more often. As Katie pointed out in her comment, fertile women are sometimes chastised for speaking out about an issue some think they don't have the right to talk about (it shouldn't be like that, but it is). So that got me thinking. Maybe I am someone who can and should be speaking out about it, educating other Catholics. Maybe that's one of the reasons I'm going through this. I'm not sure in what capacity I could do that, but I guess I'll pray about it.

Anyways, it has been a busy few days. I head back to VA tomorrow morning. If you get a chance, please pray for my husband. He is having horrible pain in one of his legs and he even went to the ER this morning. Of course this happens when I am not there, of all times, and the worst of it happened while I was on the air this morning so no one could even reach me (and keep in mind - I am normally always home and always available). It's bad, though. He hasn't slept since Friday night and the pain meds he got at the ER barely do anything for it. Hopefully we can find out what it is in the next few days and get it taken care of.

As for my cycle, it's day 25 and it's eight days post-peak. The really interesting thing, though, is that this cycle is so far identical to last cycle. I started mucus on the same day (day 11), it lasted for the same amount of time (seven days), and peaked on the same day (day 17). This might sound like no big deal, but you have to understand that no two cycles have even come close to being similar for me in the past. So this is big.

Also big is the fact that the last three cycles - which also happen to be the three cycles since starting my diet - appear very normal. I had a normal amount of mucus, one peak day, and then several dry days. That is HUGE for me. Since I started charting two years ago I have never, until May, had a cycle that appeared "textbook." I almost want to take a picture of my charts before May, because you really have to see them to understand. They're crazy. They're all over the place. I counted, and my cycles prior to May have an average of 3.2 peak days, meaning I wrote the little "P" on the white sticker, had a few dry days, and then had more mucus, and another "P". This happened four or five times during some cycles. I rarely had one peak day. But now... the average number of peak days for my last three cycles is one. One! I love being normal!

Another stat I worked up when I was bored - the average length of my cycle pre-laparotomy was 36.14, while the average length of my cycles post-surgery is 28.6. I just think things are definitely looking up. I can't deny that. Things are changing, and they appear to be changing for the better. I'm not sure if it's my diet, though, because May is also the point at which my prolactin medication probably kicked in. Regardless, something is helping.

So interesting little thing about me lately - I really don't have much of an appetite. That's really weird for me. Really, really weird. I like to eat and I'm hungry often, even on my diet. Today I had to force myself to eat in order to take medication, which I'm about to do again in a few minutes. Maybe it's the Met, but I've been on it for about three weeks at this point and it didn't start until the other day. Speaking of Met, I started taking it with milk and before my meal, and doing so has completely alleviated any stomach upset (which is another reason I'm not sure this is due to the medication).

Well if this cycle continues to mimic last month's, then it will come to a conclusion on Thursday. I've never been predictable, so this is new for me!

Update: So this morning my temp rose to 98.8. That's more good news because it had been hovering around 98.2-98.4 since my peak day and had been below 98.0 before that (and I awoke a couple hours earlier than normal today, and it still rose). I can't tell you how excited I was to see the high temp!

A touchy topic

So I'm watching Oprah. I should know better, but it's on the t.v. at my parents' house so I started watching. Not surprisingly she's talking about a subject somewhat related to infertility (I feel like every time I happen to watch that show it's about infertility... or dogs) and, of course, it started out about how great sperm donation is. Then, to my huge surprise, she brought on four women who were conceived with sperm donation and not all had great things to say about it (there "other" side is rarely presented, so this was shocking). Some talked about being deprived of the basic right to know their history and who both of their parents are. One woman even said, "I felt like I was a product." That makes me sad.

Also today, my grandmother, out of the blue, brought up that one of her friend's daughters had twins through IVF. Knowing she was telling me this story as either a way to offer me hope or just to show she can relate to me, I kindly told my grandmother that it is against the Church's beliefs and not an option for me. My grandmother doesn't know; she's been Catholic all her life, but I don't expect her to be up to date on the Holy See's stance on reproductive technology. It's never affected her or anyone close to her, and I doubt she spends too much time familiarizing herself with any of the Church's laws, for that matter.

This all made me think about something that's always bothered me, and one of the reasons I started this blog - the fact that the Catholic voice is often, if not always, left out of discussions about infertility. I know that most people in this country aren't Catholic, but it amazes me that the Catholic side of the infertility issue is never brought up in the media. It is completely ignored. Shows about IVF never mention that many people are opposed to the procedure. The "other" side on a show like that is the fact that it's so expensive, or whether couples should give up. It's never about the moral implications, how a woman's health issues fail to be addressed, the fact that it often has a low success rate, or - God forbid! - that many embryos are destroyed in the process.

We all know the reason why this side of the debate is ignored - it is a very sensitive issue due to the millions of children who have been conceived this way. If we imply that it is morally wrong, then we are giving the impression that we are judging these families and saying these children shouldn't have been born.

It's a very tough topic, but I believe the failure of anyone to talk about this is, at best, alienating Catholic couples with infertility and, at worst, helping to misinform Catholic couples who don't know the Church views it as illicit, or why the Church does in the first place (it's not just a "rule" we have to follow, it actually makes really great sense). I know, it's actually the job of the Church to teach these couples and many priests, marriage prep couples and lay ministers are unfortunately doing a poor job at this on the parish level. But it's also the responsibility of the media to include all sides as well.

If I hadn't been Catholic, or if I hadn't been pro-life, I might have been one of those women who did IVF. I now know how dangerous that would have been for me. Through NaPro Technology and pro-life doctors, I have discovered that the medical issue causing my infertility could, if left untreated, lead to diabetes or a heart attack at an ealier-than-normal age. If I had done IVF three years ago, my PCOS and insulin resistance may never have been discovered. I'm not saying women who undergo IVF are never diagnosed with something. Some are, but many are not. It is often used as a band-aid, to the disservice of the women who really need to know what's causing their infertility.

I've been hesitant to post a lot about IVF in the past (which is unlike me because I'm very passionate about it). I guess I, too, have been afraid to offend others, or worse, their children. The issue came up when we started the support group at my parish. Of course we wouldn't discuss IVF or similar procedures, but how would we approach the topic if women who have done the procedure or were considering it came to the group? I think we decided to hand out something that stated our stance on the issues at the beginning of a meeting (we haven't had too many women attend our meetings yet, so it hasn't been a big issue).

I think our first priority is to educate other Catholic couples about the topic. But I also hope that one day the moral implications of assisted reproductive technologies will be considered by the pro-life community at large (as well as the issue of contraception).

Well, sorry to rant. I hope this doesn't offend anyone. I know how badly those of us with infertility want children. I KNOW. But I also believe strongly in the value of every human life, no matter how early on in life it is (and I don't think it's merely a personal choice; if that were the case, I'd have to call myself pro-choice). I just hope more women can find out that there's another option and that IVF isn't the only way to go. And I hope that one day NaPro Technology can become more widespread and that with diagnosis, surgery and medication, there won't be as much of a need for IVF or similiar procedures. Now those of us who are NaPro patients just need to get pregnant, and help out those stats!!

Patience and trust

So I made it to NY, and the drive wasn't too bad. Sophie did AMAZING, as always. At times I forget she is even with me, she is so good. I already miss my husband. I'll be making some money this weekend, though, so it's worth it. Plus I will be able to attend my grandparents' 60th anniversary party on Sunday, which I normally wouldn't have been around for (that sounds really bad, doesn't it? A paycheck will bring me here, but not their anniversary). Plus, it will be nice to see family and friends I haven't seen since my weight loss. That's always fun!

On the infertility front, I've been feeling lately like I really, really need to be patient. A little voice in my head is telling me to calm down, to ride it out, to go with the flow. Just hang in there and live day-to-day. Don't think about how long it may take, and definitely don't dwell on the thought that it may never happen.

I know the lives of the saints weren't all wonderful and easy, but the way many of them lived with just an abundance of pure trust in the Lord, it just seems so relaxing! If you TRULY trust the Lord, then there is no need to worry. They lived their lives one day at a time, thankful for the day God gave them, and happy to do good in his honor. They didn't waste time thinking about what he didn't give them, or what may not happen in the future. And why? Because they knew that God's plan was best. They weren't kind of sure. No, it was a fact. They TRUSTED. Purely and honestly. I don't think I've ever come close.

So how do I do it? I don't know. I could try the old "act like you trust and eventually you will trust" tactic; that's worked for me before. I could continue to pray about it, really pray about it. I could also put forth a full-blown effort to trust, which would mean rejecting all thoughts that would keep me from trusting, like jealousy of pregnant women, feeling sorry for myself, worrying it may never happen, everything. I also think that once you trust 100%, those feelings just go away. If you trust that the Lord's plan for you is best, than why on earth would you feel bad that you haven't gotten pregnant yet?

One thing is for sure - whether it's trust, patience, belief, or whatever, it doesn't come easy. Wanting it is not enough; I have found that we have to meet God half way. We have to put forth an effort, we have to show him we're serious. I don't know if that theory is theologically sound, but it's what I've found to be true from my experience. We also have to really want it. I'm not sure I do. Right now it's just easier to feel pain when I hear someone else is pregnant. It's what I know. I don't know if I'll ever be able to break that habit.

Well, if anyone has any suggestions, let me know. I don't want to continue on like this (depressed, angry, anxious). I want to change. It's just that I've been trying for almost four years and I haven't had much luck yet, but then again, maybe I haven't really tried.

All over the place

Warning: This post is going to be all over the place (hence the title), which happens to also reflect my current mood. I've got a lot of different things on my mind, so here goes...

First off, I still haven't been feeling well. Nothing I can't handle, but it's just uncomfortable. I'm slightly nauseous all the time. Thankfully it's not full blown nausea. Thank you, God! But... it probably will be once my metformin dose is raised next week. If I'm going to feel sick, then I at least hope it is helping my weight loss.

Speaking of weight loss, I am trying to focus on the good in my life and my weight loss definitely fits into that category (sorry if you're tired of hearing about this! I'm just trying to focus on the positive). I've now lost 19 pounds since the beginning of May, and today I bought my first pair of size 6 pants in years. If someone had told me just a few months ago that by July I'd be able to fit into a size 6 I wouldn't have believed it in a million years! (And let me just say that I'm not "officially" a universal size 6 by any means, but I am when it comes to a certain style of capris in An.n Tay.lor, so that's all that matters!). My life definitely changed at that first appointment with my new doctor. I'm just thankful that I have this to be excited about, because my weight was an issue for me. I hated seeing my reflection, I hated my clothes being tight, I hated seeing pictures of me when I was thinner, I hated trying on clothes at stores and having to admit what size I was. It just added to my infertility depression because I kept postponing weight loss because "soon I'd be pregnant anyways." That, obviously, didn't happen and didn't really make much sense anyways. Well, all of that extra stress is now gone, and any stress I can eliminate can only help my infertility!

As for my cycle, it's day 20 and it's the third day post-peak. I had seven fertile, good-mucus days in a row, so that's good news (since before May I use to have a fews days of mucus, then dry days, then more mucus, then more dry.. you get the picture). Today, I saw a tiny bit of brown mucus twice. Not sure what that means, but don't think I didn't consider implantation bleeding! I'm sure it's not, but you've gotta love those little things that keep hope alive and then lead to more disappointment! As for my temp, it spiked a little on Sunday to 98.0, but since I woke up three hours earlier than normal, I'm hoping that had I slept until my normal time that it would have spiked considerably. I woke up two hours early on Monday and that day it was up to 98.2, while today I woke up at my normal time and it was at 98.5.

Meanwhile, I'm still sad and have been crying unexpectedly lately. Hopefully my trip up north will help to get my mind off of things for a few days.

Speaking of that, I leave tomorrow morning for New York. I'm driving by myself and not exactly looking forward to the ride. But I've got some books on CD and Sophie will be with me, so hopefully it will go by fast. I'll still be posting and reading blogs while I'm there, so you won't even notice I'm gone!

One more thing... My wonderful husband helped to get me out of one of my crying spells today by going for a scenic walk. Isn't he nice? Here are some shots from it: