On Monday - the day I had to come to terms with not having an ultrasound series and the day I really began to feel more peaceful - my husband and I ventured into a Catholic gift shop near our home (which is interesting in its own right, since Catholicism isn't that big down here, at least compared to where we used to live. I thought I'd have a much more difficult time finding a shop). So I bought a little book of healing prayers as well as a book called "Let Go". I'm not a big reader, but "Let Go" is not exactly a tough read. It's by Francois de Salignac de La Mothe Fenelon, the archibishop of Cambrai, France, during the seventeenth century. He served as a spiritual advisor to a group of people in Louis the Fourteenth's court who were facing immorality all around them. The book is a collection of letters to individuals in this group, and deals with suffering, dying to self, and finding peace and joy.
I feel like these letters were written to me. Since they are so fitting for the cross of infertility, I thought I'd share some passages from the book. Hopefully they will help others as much as they have helped me. I'll start with just one passage in this post. This one really forces me to view the cross differently:
A cross which comes from God ought to be welcomed without any concern for self. And when you accept your cross this way, even though it is painful, you will find that you can bear it in peace. But when you receive your cross unwillingly, you will find it to be doubly severe. The resistance within is harder to bear than the cross itself! But if you recognize the hand of God, and make no opposition to His Will, you will have peace in the midst of affliction. Happy indeed are they who can bear their sufferings with this simple peace and perfect submission to the will of God! Nothing so shortens and soothes suffering as this spirit of non-resistance.
But usually we want to drive a bargain with God. We would at least like to suggest some limits so that we can see an end to our sufferings. We don't realize how we are thwarting the purposes of God when we take this attitude. ... Ah! What must be His love for those who, in cheerful and absolute abandonement, give themselves completely to be crucified with Christ!
Wow! How well do I know that resisting the cross only makes the suffering doubly painful! I need to trust that to accept it will only serve to lessen the burden. It just makes so much sense. It's always more difficult when you fight something and if we look at the cross as a gift, well, we shouldn't be fighting it anyways! And I am constantly trying to "drive a bargain with God." Anyone who has read this blog can attest to that. 'God, I will gladly suffer this cross if you can let me know exactly what is going on.. and as long as you assure that I will be pregnant in a couple years.. and if you can take away the pain.. and so on and so on.' Why do I think I know better than God? There's a lot I need to work on.
As for my current cycle, I'm on day 30 and it's my sixth day in a row of spotting. Since I have no idea when my peak day was, I have no idea how many days my luteal phase has been (do you even call it that when you don't ovulate?). I'd really like to know what the spotting is caused by (probably low progesterone) and have it treated. All in due time!
Friday, April 25, 2008
Thursday, April 24, 2008
Something to look forward to
So I finally spoke with my Creighton teacher. Long story short, she suggested I get a local doctor. Nothing against PPVI, but I really need a doctor I can see face to face. I need to get things moving and right now I am hitting some roadblocks with PPVI. One of the reasons they are so great is that they have very high standards - all blood work has to go through their lab and ultrasounds have to be done at their office. Well, that can be very difficult if you live outside of eastern Nebraska or western Iowa. I know this is for a good reason and I have personally suffered the consequences of a local OB/GYN who didn't know much of anything about infertility, when to draw blood, or how to read ultrasounds. I will never be that uninformed patient again. But if I just stay working solely with PPVI, I won't have an ultrasound until the end of the summer and I won't have blood drawn until who knows when.
With that being said, my Creighton educator suggested I call a well-respected pro-life OB/GYN practice a couple hours from where I live. So I did, and got an appointment for Monday. I'm excited at the prospect of hearing what someone else thinks about my situation. When we first started meeting with our Creighton educator I was reinvigorated, just to be doing something proactive. That's how I feel now. We'll see what happens, if we like the doctor, if he has any new insight for me. But at least I have something to look forward to, for the time being.
As for this past cycle, my Creighton teacher isn't quite sure when my peak day occured. She has some guesses, but my chart is really confusing this time around. She also mentioned that the yellow mucus I saw for a few days could possibly be due to something going on with my cervix. And she was also concerned that I've had five days of brown spotting again this cycle.
If the ultrasound series had worked out as planned then I probably wouldn't have ever called this doctors' office today, so perhaps God's plan is already playing out. Hopefully this is where God is leading me, and I hope this action is not one of impatience. I really want to follow the path I am supposed to, and while I need to be patient and surrender to God, I don't think that means I shouldn't make an appointment with a new doctor. Rather, surrendering means I need to work on my acceptance of the cross I've been given, no matter what is currently happening medically in my life.
I will keep praying about it and continue to place it in God's hands. If the appointment doesn't go well, then I will know it is not part of my path. I am so grateful to God that He is keeping me under His protection and I want nothing more than to follow His holy plan for me.
With that being said, my Creighton educator suggested I call a well-respected pro-life OB/GYN practice a couple hours from where I live. So I did, and got an appointment for Monday. I'm excited at the prospect of hearing what someone else thinks about my situation. When we first started meeting with our Creighton educator I was reinvigorated, just to be doing something proactive. That's how I feel now. We'll see what happens, if we like the doctor, if he has any new insight for me. But at least I have something to look forward to, for the time being.
As for this past cycle, my Creighton teacher isn't quite sure when my peak day occured. She has some guesses, but my chart is really confusing this time around. She also mentioned that the yellow mucus I saw for a few days could possibly be due to something going on with my cervix. And she was also concerned that I've had five days of brown spotting again this cycle.
If the ultrasound series had worked out as planned then I probably wouldn't have ever called this doctors' office today, so perhaps God's plan is already playing out. Hopefully this is where God is leading me, and I hope this action is not one of impatience. I really want to follow the path I am supposed to, and while I need to be patient and surrender to God, I don't think that means I shouldn't make an appointment with a new doctor. Rather, surrendering means I need to work on my acceptance of the cross I've been given, no matter what is currently happening medically in my life.
I will keep praying about it and continue to place it in God's hands. If the appointment doesn't go well, then I will know it is not part of my path. I am so grateful to God that He is keeping me under His protection and I want nothing more than to follow His holy plan for me.
Pain
Well it's day 29 of my cycle and I have felt like I was nearing the end for probably over a week now (plus, I've had spotting for five days). Overnight, I woke up with a ton of pain, mainly in my legs and my abdomen. Right now I'm on the couch with the heating pad, still in a great deal of pain, now on my left side. I thought after my endometriosis surgery my heating pad days were over! I'm not sure what this means - a cyst? remaining endometriosis? or maybe this is just how pms will always feel for me? I was under the impression that pain would go away after the surgery. It's now been 3 1/2 months, so it can't be post-surgery pain still, can it?
In other news, definitely no blood draw this month. My Creighton instructor just sent me an email saying that she is calling later this morning, so at least maybe she can give me some insight into what is happening.
And it now appears to be officially too late to have my ultrasound series done. Yesterday I thought I was getting my period so we mapped it out that we'd drive up together next Monday for my baseline. But today was really the cut-off because even if I got my period today, my cycle day 10 would fall only six days before the office is scheduled to close for a week. While that may be enough time, I got the feeling they didn't want to take that risk. It's kind of sad because I started looking forward to driving up with my husband, but I'm not disappointed because only God knows what is best in this situation. It is so complicated and I trust that He has my best interest in mind. Maybe we'll be forced to find a different doctor to do the series and they'll be closer to us. Who knows?!
If anyone has any opinions on the pain I'm having, please let me know!
In other news, definitely no blood draw this month. My Creighton instructor just sent me an email saying that she is calling later this morning, so at least maybe she can give me some insight into what is happening.
And it now appears to be officially too late to have my ultrasound series done. Yesterday I thought I was getting my period so we mapped it out that we'd drive up together next Monday for my baseline. But today was really the cut-off because even if I got my period today, my cycle day 10 would fall only six days before the office is scheduled to close for a week. While that may be enough time, I got the feeling they didn't want to take that risk. It's kind of sad because I started looking forward to driving up with my husband, but I'm not disappointed because only God knows what is best in this situation. It is so complicated and I trust that He has my best interest in mind. Maybe we'll be forced to find a different doctor to do the series and they'll be closer to us. Who knows?!
If anyone has any opinions on the pain I'm having, please let me know!
Monday, April 21, 2008
Unexpected peace
I really have to thank God for today. He provided me with a great sense of peace, despite bad news of much more waiting ahead of me.
I became very worried on Sunday because I felt as if I would soon be getting my period and that didn't exactly fit into my timetable. As part of an ultrasound series I would be having done this month, I needed a baseline done on cycle day five. I had hoped this would fall on one of my husband's days off, and it appeared now that it would not. So I had a lot of anxiety over the thought of driving six hours up and six hours home, in one day, all by myself.
So today I decided to call the doctor's office just to touch base with them and let them know I'd be calling to set up an appointment once I started my new cycle. When I called I got a message that said they were on the other line, but it went on to say that the office would be closed May 9 through 13! I immediately flipped out because there's a very good chance at least some of my ultrasounds would need to be done during that time period. I cried, I moped, I asked "why me?" It only reinforced my belief that there is some giant cosmic master plan to make my treatment move at a snail's pace. I told my husband, "You cannot deny that everything that can go wrong, does!" And he could not.
So a little while later I called back and spoke with someone. It turns out they are not only closed in May but then again in mid June when the doctor attends a NaPro conference in Rome, and then again for a couple weeks in July. So it appears that unless I get my period today or tomorrow and then have an ovulatory event before May 9 - or if my cycle days five, ten, 11, 12, 13, 14 and so on happen to fit in perfectly with the days the office is open in the following months - I will not be having an ultrasound series done until August at the earliest (the secretary didn't get as far as August, so the office could be closed then too).
This was very bad news, the kind of news that normally would send me into a deep depression lasting several days. But after getting off the phone, I felt a real peace come over me. I'm okay with this. I trust that God's plan is the right plan for me and that His timetable is the right timetable. I'm not sure why I trust this, but I do. (And I don't take any credit for this, by the way. If I ever feel peace, it is entirely a grace. I did nothing to deserve this other than to pray for it. I didn't read up on how to feel it or make some big concerted effort to will its happening. This was totally God.)
There is a chance it could work out that I will have the series done in the next couple weeks. As I said before, if I get my period before Thursday, I might be able to fit it in (but that is also assuming I have an ovulatory event around day 14, which may happen to a normal person but definitely isn't the way I work). I actually started to think this afternoon that I had so gotten use to the idea of not having it done, that I was starting to hope I don't get my period any time soon (what a quick transformation!).
I also plan on calling PPVI tomorrow and asking if there are any other doctors on the East Coast who can do the series. They told me last summer there weren't, but I didn't press them on it at the time. Maybe if I explain the situation there will be a less-than-perfect-but-still-viable option.
So my post-surgery phase of my treatment is moving slowly. I have kept it, as always, in my prayers and yet it still moves very, very slowly. This can only mean that God intends this pace. So I am thankful for my trust today and I hope I can keep it up. Isn't it sad how, when left to my own devices, I can't trust Him on my own? The only time I feel peace or have trust is when I am given it as a grace. I need to work on doing it on my own as well.
I will continue my novena to St. Gianna tonight. I read somewhere last night that the novena actually began a couple days ago, I guess because they want to end before her feast day. Oh well. My last night will be on her feast day and that will be fine. I'm sure she doesn't mind!
I became very worried on Sunday because I felt as if I would soon be getting my period and that didn't exactly fit into my timetable. As part of an ultrasound series I would be having done this month, I needed a baseline done on cycle day five. I had hoped this would fall on one of my husband's days off, and it appeared now that it would not. So I had a lot of anxiety over the thought of driving six hours up and six hours home, in one day, all by myself.
So today I decided to call the doctor's office just to touch base with them and let them know I'd be calling to set up an appointment once I started my new cycle. When I called I got a message that said they were on the other line, but it went on to say that the office would be closed May 9 through 13! I immediately flipped out because there's a very good chance at least some of my ultrasounds would need to be done during that time period. I cried, I moped, I asked "why me?" It only reinforced my belief that there is some giant cosmic master plan to make my treatment move at a snail's pace. I told my husband, "You cannot deny that everything that can go wrong, does!" And he could not.
So a little while later I called back and spoke with someone. It turns out they are not only closed in May but then again in mid June when the doctor attends a NaPro conference in Rome, and then again for a couple weeks in July. So it appears that unless I get my period today or tomorrow and then have an ovulatory event before May 9 - or if my cycle days five, ten, 11, 12, 13, 14 and so on happen to fit in perfectly with the days the office is open in the following months - I will not be having an ultrasound series done until August at the earliest (the secretary didn't get as far as August, so the office could be closed then too).
This was very bad news, the kind of news that normally would send me into a deep depression lasting several days. But after getting off the phone, I felt a real peace come over me. I'm okay with this. I trust that God's plan is the right plan for me and that His timetable is the right timetable. I'm not sure why I trust this, but I do. (And I don't take any credit for this, by the way. If I ever feel peace, it is entirely a grace. I did nothing to deserve this other than to pray for it. I didn't read up on how to feel it or make some big concerted effort to will its happening. This was totally God.)
There is a chance it could work out that I will have the series done in the next couple weeks. As I said before, if I get my period before Thursday, I might be able to fit it in (but that is also assuming I have an ovulatory event around day 14, which may happen to a normal person but definitely isn't the way I work). I actually started to think this afternoon that I had so gotten use to the idea of not having it done, that I was starting to hope I don't get my period any time soon (what a quick transformation!).
I also plan on calling PPVI tomorrow and asking if there are any other doctors on the East Coast who can do the series. They told me last summer there weren't, but I didn't press them on it at the time. Maybe if I explain the situation there will be a less-than-perfect-but-still-viable option.
So my post-surgery phase of my treatment is moving slowly. I have kept it, as always, in my prayers and yet it still moves very, very slowly. This can only mean that God intends this pace. So I am thankful for my trust today and I hope I can keep it up. Isn't it sad how, when left to my own devices, I can't trust Him on my own? The only time I feel peace or have trust is when I am given it as a grace. I need to work on doing it on my own as well.
I will continue my novena to St. Gianna tonight. I read somewhere last night that the novena actually began a couple days ago, I guess because they want to end before her feast day. Oh well. My last night will be on her feast day and that will be fine. I'm sure she doesn't mind!
Sunday, April 20, 2008
Novena begins, and thoughts on Papal visit
Today begins the novena leading up to the feast day of St. Gianna Beretta Molla. This is a great opportunity to ask for God's healing - spiritually, emotionally and physically - and for the assistance of St. Gianna. When I sent in my prayer intentions to the St. Gianna Society for this novena, I prayed for my husband and myself, as well as all those suffering with infertility, so you are all in my prayers. Please consider starting this novena today, and may St. Gianna intercede on behalf of all those suffering with infertility. Here is the prayer:
Novena
To Obtain Graces Through Saint Gianna Beretta
God, our Father, You have granted to Your church the gift of Gianna Beretta Molla. In her youth she lovingly sought You and drew other young people to You, involving them, through apostolic witness and Catholic Action, in the care of the sick and aged, to help and comfort them.We thank You for the gift of this young woman, so deeply committed to You. Through her example grant us the grace to consecrate our lives to Your service, for the joy of our brothers and sisters.
Glory be …
Jesus, Redeemer of mankind, You called Saint Gianna to exercise the medical profession as a mission for the comfort of bodies and souls. In her suffering fellow men and in the little ones, deprived of all support, she saw You. We thank You for having revealed Yourself to this servant as “one who serves” and who soothes the sufferings of men. Treasuring her example may we become generous Christians at the service of our brothers and sisters, especially those with whom You deign to share Your Cross.
Glory be…
God, Sanctifying Spirit, who love the Church as Your Bride, You poured into the heart of Saint Gianna a share of Your Love so that she could radiate it in her family, and thus cooperate with You in the wonderful plan of creation, and give life to new children who could know and love You. We thank You for this model wife and, through her encouraging witness, we beg You to grant to our families the serene and Christian presence of mothers committed to transform their homes into cenacles of faith and love, rich with generous activity and sanctifying service.
Glory be…
O God, Creator and lover of mankind, You were close to Saint Gianna when, affected by illness, she was in the painful dilemma of choosing between her own life and the life of the child whom she was carrying in herself, a gift long-awaited. Trusting You alone, and aware of Your Commandment to respect human life, Gianna found the courage to do her duty as a mother and to say “yes” to the new life of her baby, generously sacrificing her own. Through the intercession of Mary, Mother of Jesus, and after the example of Gianna, inspire all mothers to welcome with love the sparkle of new life. Grant us the grace we are praying for …………. and the joy to find an inspiration in Saint Gianna who, as a model spouse and mother, after the example of Christ, gave up her life for the life of others.
Hail Mary…
On another note, how wonderful was the Pope's visit this week?! I am so excited with the positive news coverage it all has received. For the most part, the Church has been portrayed in a positive light and there seems to be immense excitement surrounding Catholicism because of his visit. Watching his Mass today did help to lift my spirits on a day when I was beginning to despair. I was saddened to read, though, that pro-choice politicians did not heed Pope Benedict's own teaching and refrain from receiving the Eucharist at Mass in D.C. I know there is heated debate surrounding this issue, but in my opinion, they are creating public scandal by receiving. (I also was worried when I heard on Fox News that Yankee stadium sold out of hot dogs today! I really hope they were all consumed during that Harry Connick , Jr. concert held before the Mass began, and not within one hour of receiving!) Anways, Pope Benedict looked great, so much younger than his age, and how about that big cheer today during his homily when he mentioned life in the womb! That was my favorite part. I will leave you with this video combining four of my favorite things - the Pope, EWTN, Ave Maria, and... American Idol! It's EWTN's coverage of Kelly Clarkson singing Ave Maria for Pope Benedict. It's really beautiful.
Novena
To Obtain Graces Through Saint Gianna Beretta
God, our Father, You have granted to Your church the gift of Gianna Beretta Molla. In her youth she lovingly sought You and drew other young people to You, involving them, through apostolic witness and Catholic Action, in the care of the sick and aged, to help and comfort them.We thank You for the gift of this young woman, so deeply committed to You. Through her example grant us the grace to consecrate our lives to Your service, for the joy of our brothers and sisters.
Glory be …
Jesus, Redeemer of mankind, You called Saint Gianna to exercise the medical profession as a mission for the comfort of bodies and souls. In her suffering fellow men and in the little ones, deprived of all support, she saw You. We thank You for having revealed Yourself to this servant as “one who serves” and who soothes the sufferings of men. Treasuring her example may we become generous Christians at the service of our brothers and sisters, especially those with whom You deign to share Your Cross.
Glory be…
God, Sanctifying Spirit, who love the Church as Your Bride, You poured into the heart of Saint Gianna a share of Your Love so that she could radiate it in her family, and thus cooperate with You in the wonderful plan of creation, and give life to new children who could know and love You. We thank You for this model wife and, through her encouraging witness, we beg You to grant to our families the serene and Christian presence of mothers committed to transform their homes into cenacles of faith and love, rich with generous activity and sanctifying service.
Glory be…
O God, Creator and lover of mankind, You were close to Saint Gianna when, affected by illness, she was in the painful dilemma of choosing between her own life and the life of the child whom she was carrying in herself, a gift long-awaited. Trusting You alone, and aware of Your Commandment to respect human life, Gianna found the courage to do her duty as a mother and to say “yes” to the new life of her baby, generously sacrificing her own. Through the intercession of Mary, Mother of Jesus, and after the example of Gianna, inspire all mothers to welcome with love the sparkle of new life. Grant us the grace we are praying for …………. and the joy to find an inspiration in Saint Gianna who, as a model spouse and mother, after the example of Christ, gave up her life for the life of others.
Hail Mary…
On another note, how wonderful was the Pope's visit this week?! I am so excited with the positive news coverage it all has received. For the most part, the Church has been portrayed in a positive light and there seems to be immense excitement surrounding Catholicism because of his visit. Watching his Mass today did help to lift my spirits on a day when I was beginning to despair. I was saddened to read, though, that pro-choice politicians did not heed Pope Benedict's own teaching and refrain from receiving the Eucharist at Mass in D.C. I know there is heated debate surrounding this issue, but in my opinion, they are creating public scandal by receiving. (I also was worried when I heard on Fox News that Yankee stadium sold out of hot dogs today! I really hope they were all consumed during that Harry Connick , Jr. concert held before the Mass began, and not within one hour of receiving!) Anways, Pope Benedict looked great, so much younger than his age, and how about that big cheer today during his homily when he mentioned life in the womb! That was my favorite part. I will leave you with this video combining four of my favorite things - the Pope, EWTN, Ave Maria, and... American Idol! It's EWTN's coverage of Kelly Clarkson singing Ave Maria for Pope Benedict. It's really beautiful.
Saturday, April 19, 2008
Vacation pics
We are back from the beach. We had a really good, relaxing time. And other than when I posted in the middle of the week, I really didn't get down about infertility the whole time.
If you were to ask my husband, a constant goal of mine is to have a good picture of us taken. Of course, he is more than happy with the many photos of us from throughout the nine years we've been together, but I'm never happy with any. Either I hate the way I look, or he has is making a funny face, or I hate the way I look. We've spent many a time setting up the camera, then running to get in place (that's what happens when you live hours from your friends and family - there's no one to actually take a picture), trying to make it look like we just happen to be taking a candid shot. And, big surprise, it never works. So I was determined to come away from this vacation with some good, frameable photos of us, especially since my dad has a new camera and is really into photography. I also hoped for some of me and my sister, but she has a blinking-at-the-flash problem and has forbid me from publically using any of us. So here are some of me and my husband that I find acceptable. I could only take pictures on the last day due to my second-degree burns on my face (which, oddly enough, you can't even see!).
The last one is my little Goddaughter. She had just mastered swimming under water earlier that day.
I actually ruined a bunch of photos because I'm a big dork and decided to use the advice of a DMV worker. When I got a new license a year ago, the woman taking my picture had this elaborate way to get me to pose. She had me stick my neck out, past the point of what I think will look silly, she instructed me, because, trust her, it won't. Well it worked and I did not have a double chin in my license picture. Actually, I like the picture so much that I have yet to get an ID in my new state (that and the fact that I keep saying I'm going to lose weight before I go - those pictures are so permanent!). I think I'm actually breaking the law at this point. Anyway, I decided I needed to stick my neck out in nearly all of my vacation photos and, big surprise, I look like I'm sticking my neck way out (I'm kind of doing it in the middle photo up there). After a while my sister pointed out that I probably shouldn't listen to posing advice of a DMV worker. I guess I should just pay better attention the next time I watch America's Next Top Model.
I also did a little bit of spring blog cleaning and made one of the vacations pics my blog picture, since we were wearing sweaters in the old photo. Lately I have felt rather warm when I looked at the winter one. Now I'll feel cool and breezy. I'll almost hear the waves.
So a little bit of news on the infertility front. I have officially been accepted in the PPVI thyroid malfunction study. I had a letter in the mail when we arrived home today that was basically a long, numbered list of instructions. At the end it gave final instructions to call one of the nurses at PPVI with any questions, otherwise call the Omaha pharmacy where your prescription has been called in and the pharmacist is awaiting your call. I thought for sure the next instruction was that the letter was going to self-destruct. It seems like it's going to be kind of confusing. I've got to take the medication every twelve hours, as close to the minute as possible, either one hour before or two hours after eating, and I have to take my temp and pulse five times a day. Ah! Confusing! I'm not good with keeping track of things. To be honest, I had to make up some of my temperatures and pulses from the first round of testing because I kept forgetting. I know I can't do that now. I guess I can always set an alarm on my cell phone.
On Thursday night we met up with our best friends from NY who were also on vacation in the same location. I was updating my friend, the wife, on my infertility situation, and she thinks she might have the same thyroid problem. For anyone who doesn't know, it's called Wil.son's Synd.rome, and is basically a hypothyroid condition that is unable to be detected by blood work. Dr. Hilgers thinks this condition exists, and may have something to do with infertility I suppose, but it is controversial. For instance, the Am.erican Thyr.oid Asso.ciation (or something like that) has taken the official stance that it isn't a condition. The great part is that its symptoms are basically anything and everything I complain about healthwise in my life - infertility, fatigue, lack of concentration, anxiety, depression, even clumsiness (I trip a lot) and much more. It'd be great if I could fix everything (but what, really, are the odds of that?). I'm kind of nervous about the treatment, though, because there are all these warnings about heart problems and to contact PPVI if you feel a rapid pulse. Well, I often have a rapid pulse (and isn't a slow pulse a symptom of hypothyroidism?) so I'm worried my pulse will get out of control. I guess if that were to happen, they'll end the treatment.
I'm also awaiting a call from my Creighton educator about my crazy cycle (it's not over yet - I think I'm on day 23). As I posted in my last post, I'm not sure when my peak day was, but there may be a chance it was less than seven days ago, which would mean I could still get a blood draw. We'll see. Either way, I had no clear peak day this month and so my cycles continue to be drastically different from month to month. I'll update when I hear something more - hopefully good news!
If you were to ask my husband, a constant goal of mine is to have a good picture of us taken. Of course, he is more than happy with the many photos of us from throughout the nine years we've been together, but I'm never happy with any. Either I hate the way I look, or he has is making a funny face, or I hate the way I look. We've spent many a time setting up the camera, then running to get in place (that's what happens when you live hours from your friends and family - there's no one to actually take a picture), trying to make it look like we just happen to be taking a candid shot. And, big surprise, it never works. So I was determined to come away from this vacation with some good, frameable photos of us, especially since my dad has a new camera and is really into photography. I also hoped for some of me and my sister, but she has a blinking-at-the-flash problem and has forbid me from publically using any of us. So here are some of me and my husband that I find acceptable. I could only take pictures on the last day due to my second-degree burns on my face (which, oddly enough, you can't even see!).
The last one is my little Goddaughter. She had just mastered swimming under water earlier that day.
I actually ruined a bunch of photos because I'm a big dork and decided to use the advice of a DMV worker. When I got a new license a year ago, the woman taking my picture had this elaborate way to get me to pose. She had me stick my neck out, past the point of what I think will look silly, she instructed me, because, trust her, it won't. Well it worked and I did not have a double chin in my license picture. Actually, I like the picture so much that I have yet to get an ID in my new state (that and the fact that I keep saying I'm going to lose weight before I go - those pictures are so permanent!). I think I'm actually breaking the law at this point. Anyway, I decided I needed to stick my neck out in nearly all of my vacation photos and, big surprise, I look like I'm sticking my neck way out (I'm kind of doing it in the middle photo up there). After a while my sister pointed out that I probably shouldn't listen to posing advice of a DMV worker. I guess I should just pay better attention the next time I watch America's Next Top Model.
I also did a little bit of spring blog cleaning and made one of the vacations pics my blog picture, since we were wearing sweaters in the old photo. Lately I have felt rather warm when I looked at the winter one. Now I'll feel cool and breezy. I'll almost hear the waves.
So a little bit of news on the infertility front. I have officially been accepted in the PPVI thyroid malfunction study. I had a letter in the mail when we arrived home today that was basically a long, numbered list of instructions. At the end it gave final instructions to call one of the nurses at PPVI with any questions, otherwise call the Omaha pharmacy where your prescription has been called in and the pharmacist is awaiting your call. I thought for sure the next instruction was that the letter was going to self-destruct. It seems like it's going to be kind of confusing. I've got to take the medication every twelve hours, as close to the minute as possible, either one hour before or two hours after eating, and I have to take my temp and pulse five times a day. Ah! Confusing! I'm not good with keeping track of things. To be honest, I had to make up some of my temperatures and pulses from the first round of testing because I kept forgetting. I know I can't do that now. I guess I can always set an alarm on my cell phone.
On Thursday night we met up with our best friends from NY who were also on vacation in the same location. I was updating my friend, the wife, on my infertility situation, and she thinks she might have the same thyroid problem. For anyone who doesn't know, it's called Wil.son's Synd.rome, and is basically a hypothyroid condition that is unable to be detected by blood work. Dr. Hilgers thinks this condition exists, and may have something to do with infertility I suppose, but it is controversial. For instance, the Am.erican Thyr.oid Asso.ciation (or something like that) has taken the official stance that it isn't a condition. The great part is that its symptoms are basically anything and everything I complain about healthwise in my life - infertility, fatigue, lack of concentration, anxiety, depression, even clumsiness (I trip a lot) and much more. It'd be great if I could fix everything (but what, really, are the odds of that?). I'm kind of nervous about the treatment, though, because there are all these warnings about heart problems and to contact PPVI if you feel a rapid pulse. Well, I often have a rapid pulse (and isn't a slow pulse a symptom of hypothyroidism?) so I'm worried my pulse will get out of control. I guess if that were to happen, they'll end the treatment.
I'm also awaiting a call from my Creighton educator about my crazy cycle (it's not over yet - I think I'm on day 23). As I posted in my last post, I'm not sure when my peak day was, but there may be a chance it was less than seven days ago, which would mean I could still get a blood draw. We'll see. Either way, I had no clear peak day this month and so my cycles continue to be drastically different from month to month. I'll update when I hear something more - hopefully good news!
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
Completely stuck
Well I am still on vacation and our internet connection isn't too great so I'm behind on blogging and reading blogs as well. It appears this cycle was a big waste, no big surprise. Of course I don't mean it was a waste because I'm not going to be pregnant. That was a given. I mean it was a waste because again I will have no blood drawn. Just when I think things can't get worse, they do.
So I don't remember if I posted about it or not, but I had too much mucus last cycle. As with every cycle so far since my surgery, SOMETHING had to happen to prevent me from getting a peak +7 blood draw, and last cycle it was too much mucus. So much so that PPVI instructed me to meet with my Creighton educator and learn how to chart with yellow stamps. So I spoke with my educator, who taught me all about distinguishing peak mucus from just extra non-peak mucus. I was ready. She was confident too. I was SO determined to learn it that I thought there was absolutely no possible way on earth that I wasn't going to get my blood drawn this cycle. NO WAY. Under what circumstances would I not be able to determine my peak day? I was getting my blood drawn one way or another. Of that I was certain.
I laugh at my confidence now. How humorous it is that I actually thought I would be able to get a simple blood draw. It turned out that I went from having too much mucus last cycle to having barely any this cycle. I had a few mucus days early on, and then a couple here and there for the next week or so (I'll post my current chart at the end of this post for anyone who cares). So the other day I decided to look back over my chart (thinking that it seemed like something wasn't right) and low and behold, my last peak-type mucus day (according to my new instructions - if I used what I was doing before, I had a peak day two days ago) was way past seven days ago. So no blood draw this month.
(Just to explain this a little - My educator taught me to define my peak day based on how my mucus has changed from day to day [for example if I charted 10KL x2 on day 12 and then 10C x1 on day 13, technically both would normally receive white stamps. But under my new instructions, the second one would receive a yellow stamp because it isn't as fertile as the first day]. One thing I'm not sure about, though, if those instructions are still to be followed if there isn't a lot of mucus, like with this cycle. I certainly don't have excess mucus right now. So there's still a glimmer of hope I could get a blood draw. I'm going to call my instructor tomorrow, but I won't hold my breath.) (On a side note, my mucus has been pale yellow a couple times in the last few days. Does anyone know what that means? I do have a deep cough right now, with yellow mucus in my lungs. Would that affect my cervical mucus?)
So I can't get a simple blood draw. I have no idea what my progesterone level is. That is a basic thing that all women going through infertility know. So basic and yet I am so far from knowing what mine is.
Not to mention that I am not ovulating. I am a 31 year old woman who just wants to be a mother and I am not ovulating. I don't know if I ever have, or ever will.
I try to remind myself that there must be a reason why God doesn't want me to have my blood drawn right now. I just have to trust that this is all moving in slow motion for a reason. I need to stop wishing my treatment was moving along like other people's. It isn't helpful to compare myself to anyone, whether it's to mothers, pregnant women, or women with infertility who are getting treatment at a quicker pace.
As for our vacation, it's been nice, except for the fact that I severly burned my face. Like second degree burns. I look like a freak. Like however bad you're picturing it right now, it's WAY worse. It's peeling and cracking and scabbed and oh ya, it's basically just one side of my face. And it's painful. I need to go slather up with lotion now.
1: 3/27 – H
2: 3/28 – H
3: 3/29 – H
4: 3/30 – H
5: 3/31 – L 0AD
6: 4/1 – B AD
7: 4/2 – B AD
8: 4/3 – B AD
9: 4/4 – 0 AD
10: 4/5 – 10C x2
11: 4/6 – 10 KL x1
12: 4/7 – 0 AD
13: 4/8 – 10 CL x1
14: 4/9 – 10 C x1
15: 4/10 – 0 AD
16: 4/11 – 0 AD
17: 4/12 – 10 CK x1
18: 4/13 – 0 AD
19: 4/14 – 10 CY x1 *
20: 4/15 – 8 CY x1 *
21: 4/16 – 10 CY x1 *
* I wasn't sure how to chart this yet, so I know this probably isn't how it should appear. I'm going to ask my Creighton educator tomorrow.
So I don't remember if I posted about it or not, but I had too much mucus last cycle. As with every cycle so far since my surgery, SOMETHING had to happen to prevent me from getting a peak +7 blood draw, and last cycle it was too much mucus. So much so that PPVI instructed me to meet with my Creighton educator and learn how to chart with yellow stamps. So I spoke with my educator, who taught me all about distinguishing peak mucus from just extra non-peak mucus. I was ready. She was confident too. I was SO determined to learn it that I thought there was absolutely no possible way on earth that I wasn't going to get my blood drawn this cycle. NO WAY. Under what circumstances would I not be able to determine my peak day? I was getting my blood drawn one way or another. Of that I was certain.
I laugh at my confidence now. How humorous it is that I actually thought I would be able to get a simple blood draw. It turned out that I went from having too much mucus last cycle to having barely any this cycle. I had a few mucus days early on, and then a couple here and there for the next week or so (I'll post my current chart at the end of this post for anyone who cares). So the other day I decided to look back over my chart (thinking that it seemed like something wasn't right) and low and behold, my last peak-type mucus day (according to my new instructions - if I used what I was doing before, I had a peak day two days ago) was way past seven days ago. So no blood draw this month.
(Just to explain this a little - My educator taught me to define my peak day based on how my mucus has changed from day to day [for example if I charted 10KL x2 on day 12 and then 10C x1 on day 13, technically both would normally receive white stamps. But under my new instructions, the second one would receive a yellow stamp because it isn't as fertile as the first day]. One thing I'm not sure about, though, if those instructions are still to be followed if there isn't a lot of mucus, like with this cycle. I certainly don't have excess mucus right now. So there's still a glimmer of hope I could get a blood draw. I'm going to call my instructor tomorrow, but I won't hold my breath.) (On a side note, my mucus has been pale yellow a couple times in the last few days. Does anyone know what that means? I do have a deep cough right now, with yellow mucus in my lungs. Would that affect my cervical mucus?)
So I can't get a simple blood draw. I have no idea what my progesterone level is. That is a basic thing that all women going through infertility know. So basic and yet I am so far from knowing what mine is.
Not to mention that I am not ovulating. I am a 31 year old woman who just wants to be a mother and I am not ovulating. I don't know if I ever have, or ever will.
I try to remind myself that there must be a reason why God doesn't want me to have my blood drawn right now. I just have to trust that this is all moving in slow motion for a reason. I need to stop wishing my treatment was moving along like other people's. It isn't helpful to compare myself to anyone, whether it's to mothers, pregnant women, or women with infertility who are getting treatment at a quicker pace.
As for our vacation, it's been nice, except for the fact that I severly burned my face. Like second degree burns. I look like a freak. Like however bad you're picturing it right now, it's WAY worse. It's peeling and cracking and scabbed and oh ya, it's basically just one side of my face. And it's painful. I need to go slather up with lotion now.
1: 3/27 – H
2: 3/28 – H
3: 3/29 – H
4: 3/30 – H
5: 3/31 – L 0AD
6: 4/1 – B AD
7: 4/2 – B AD
8: 4/3 – B AD
9: 4/4 – 0 AD
10: 4/5 – 10C x2
11: 4/6 – 10 KL x1
12: 4/7 – 0 AD
13: 4/8 – 10 CL x1
14: 4/9 – 10 C x1
15: 4/10 – 0 AD
16: 4/11 – 0 AD
17: 4/12 – 10 CK x1
18: 4/13 – 0 AD
19: 4/14 – 10 CY x1 *
20: 4/15 – 8 CY x1 *
21: 4/16 – 10 CY x1 *
* I wasn't sure how to chart this yet, so I know this probably isn't how it should appear. I'm going to ask my Creighton educator tomorrow.
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