Cycle talk once again

I hate talking about my cycles. It's all too familiar, and instantly makes me think there aren't two babies asleep in their rooms across the hall right now. I have to remember they're there or else I'll think it's 2008. 

With yet another failed cycle, I'm trying to decide what to do next. I am suddenly very reminded of my infertile years, when I wouldn't have a future appointment set up with my doctor, yet no real course of action to take either. Do I call to schedule an appointment just to talk about what's next? Is it worth the two-hour drive?

I think I'm going to call and try to get some answers over the phone. I'm going to ask for a low dose (what I was on when I got pregnant) of hydrocortisone. Even though a recent saliva test didn't show adrenal fatigue (where two years ago it showed severe adrenal fatigue), I don't feel right in much the same way as before. The hc did wonders back then, and whether or not it led to me conceiving we might never know, but I'd love to try it again. My cortisol levels are okay though, so maybe my doctor will say we shouldn't mess with them. 

I was also on the low GI diet back then, and had hoped I'd be pregnant again before having to re-start it. No such luck. So it looks like I'm going to get back on the wagon. No white flour, no sugar. Ugh. Those are my two main food groups at the moment. And, in case you're wondering, I wasn't as quick to get going with it again because blood tests showed that my hormones weren't as off as before and I didn't even need metformin this time around. But, in the interest of imitating the cycle when I got pregnant (and losing weight... and just being healthier in general), I might as well eat better.

Speaking of metformin, I was on that when I conceived, but I can't start that again if I don't need it. 

I did start Vitamin D last month, which I was on last time. 

I stopped taking progesterone altogether because I couldn't handle the headaches. And, although my doctor wasn't convinced the headaches were caused by the progesterone, I didn't have any this cycle. So I'm convinced. My progesterone has been extremely low in recent blood tests, on the supplement, so I might need it to get pregnant. If it came down to that, I'd deal with the headaches for sure, but right now it just doesn't seem like that's my miracle cure. Heck, if it was low even on the prometrium, then why deal with the headaches? Maybe I'll ask for a different kind of progesterone.

I also have had some cramping about a week after ovulation and a week before I start a new cycle. Could that be endo? In all my years with endometriosis, it never hurt then. It was always a day or two before I got my period, to possibly a day or two after.

Oh, and breastfeeding. I am not doing a ton of it at this point, probably 2-3 times a day (is that a lot by this age? I have no idea). But I see so many women conceive when breastfeeding that I wonder if that's not my reason. Although my prolactin was high before I conceived (the same hormone that's high when breastfeeding) and I took medication to lower it for years. Hmm.. maybe I should get that tested. Naturally high when not breastfeeding could mean extremely high when breastfeeding.. as in too high to conceive.

Dr. B suggested I consider no longer breastfeeding Luke if I want to conceive. He said he regretted his wife not stopping sooner because it took them a long time to conceive baby #2. But I hate the thought of stopping earlier than I had planned and then not ever getting pregnant again, and never breastfeeding again. If Luke's my last baby, I want to hang on just a little bit longer.

And that's about it. That's where I am at.

This cycle day one was harder to take than ones in the recent past. I should put that in context - I didn't cry, get depressed or even mention it to my husband. But it just made me anxious. It made me think it's never going to happen again. And I'm surprised at how upset that makes me. 

I guess when I got pregnant two years ago (really?) I thought I was cured. But now I'm thinking it was a fluke. Or, probably better put, a miracle. Or, maybe a Luke fluke? Oh, please God let me have another baby so he doesn't become known as Luke the Fluke :)

As I try to actively attempt to conceive, and inevitably worry about the future, I want to not let this interfere with the here and now. I don't want to spend my kids' childhoods worried about whether I'll ever have any more. I don't want to look back on this time and wish I had just focused on them, rather than on secondary infertility. So, I'm trying. But, unfortunately, it's kind of in my nature to not focus on the present. 

I am such a pessimist. All my talk about letting God be in control of growing my family is so quickly thrown out the window as soon as things start looking like they aren't going as I had planned. 

And then I remember that I know people who are dealing with MUCH greater problems. No, this is not a problem. 

It made me feel a little better today when I thought about possibly starting to save for a future adoption. That's a very, very long time off, though, because we haven't even come close to paying off our loans for our last one. And, once we do pay them off, we were hoping to start saving a little money to possibly get out from under our current home, some time in the distant future. But I'd stay in this house forever if it was between that and growing our family. 

I know God is in control. I just have a hard time letting Him be. What is wrong with me? Like I'm pretty sure I ended a post about this same topic a few months ago, I should know more than anyone that His plan is always better than ours. I'm offering this very mild discomfort up for those still waiting.

And I'll get to wake up to two little babies crying/laughing/yelling in their rooms across the hallway tomorrow morning and all will be right with the world.