Every time I hear of someone in labor, or see photos of the new little one (which seems to be a lot lately), I get so excited and long to be there again myself. I crave being in the hospital bed, post-delivery, new baby sleeping in my arms, family all around, food brought on trays.
Okay, you might think that last one is kind of crazy, but for whatever reason I absolutely loved being in the hospital after having Luke. Yes, there were tough times, like the two days of relentless itching that I thought was going to drive me to insanity (I woke up one day with deep scratches up and down my arms and thought I had been attacked). And those oh-so-lovely and private (sarcasm, of course) showers that the nurse would give me, me standing there completely nude while we both tried desperately to keep my huge incision, that was only kept closed with a bunch of big staples, dry. Or the time I thought the front of my pants had gotten wet from standing at the sink only to discover my incision was gushing blood.
None of that deters my longing, though, to be in that hospital room, with a newly named baby, getting to know his or her beautiful, puffy face. I want to be back there so bad.
But, at the same time, I am okay with where I am. It's so completely different from the years of waiting. I want it, but I'm okay with not having it right now. I can't say I don't feel some disappointment every month, but the let-down is in a different stratosphere than before. I'm trying to get used to that. It's like the muscle-memory of my brain wants to be upset every time a new cycle starts. It doesn't know any different.
The desire is definitely there, though. I'd love to be pregnant again soon... or, better yet, now.
Yesterday, I had an appointment with my endocrinologist. She tried to gently talk me out of trying again so soon. "Enjoy Luke while he's a baby." "He's only young once!" I didn't show how offended that made me. Does she think I didn't enjoy Clara? She was much younger when I found out I was pregnant with Luke. Does she think I am just so baby-crazy that I just want to pop them out and move on to the next one? Luke turns one next week, for goodness sake. He'd be nearly two if I became pregnant tomorrow.
I just smiled and tried to explain to her that because of my history with infertility, I don't know how long it will take me to conceive the next child. That I'd like to be proactive and find out if anything is wrong again and deal with it head on.
What I didn't say was that I want a big family. That I want lots of siblings for Clara and Luke. That, in my opinion, Luke coming along was the best thing that could have happened to Clara. That I love each and every baby with all of my heart and I want more of them because of the unique miracle that each one is. That I don't believe in contraception and I don't have a good reason to avoid. Or, how about that I don't want to avoid?
But, as I left her office, I decided to take some insight from what she said, if not what she meant.
Her "slow down" message is a good one, but only because it seems to be exactly what God is trying to tell me at the moment. My doctor might have been telling me to choose to wait, but God is telling me to choose to trust.
Slow down, don't worry about the future, enjoy the two you have, trust in My plan. So that's what I'm going to do (and finding out that the clock hasn't started ticking on secondary infertility because I am breast-feeding helps a lot).
I'll probably still day-dream of kissing my new baby's head for the very first time, and of getting waited on hand and foot by the amazing nurses in the post-partum unit, but I'll also try to remember how bad I itched, just for good measure. I'll also remember, as I do each and every day, how incredibly blessed I already am, and how I have more now than I thought I'd ever have in my lifetime. And I'll remember how there are so many still waiting, the least I can do is offer up my much-easier wait for them.
It might have taken my secular doctor to get the message through to me in a round-about way, but I'm choosing to trust that God's plan for my family is best. It actually sounds rather silly of me to proclaim that, after all that has happened. It's like declaring your belief in God after seeing Him with your own eyes.
So this time I have no excuses. And I'm actually looking forward to it. Giving it all to Him means I can slow down, relax, and let Him work. What a wonderfully freeing feeling.