Thursday, November 10, 2011

It was them

Last night as I tried to fall asleep, my thoughts drifted, as they often do, to my babies. I thought about how they are my world and how, at the risk of sounding completely cliche, I had no idea I was capable of loving this much. And how I had no idea two little people could make me this insanely happy. I am just madly, madly in love with them both.


And then it hit me. For the first time in almost two years, since I was plucked from my despair and sadness, I thought about something I used to think about a lot in the more than five years I suffered through infertility: During those difficult years, I often said I missed the babies I couldn't yet have. I grieved for them. I longed to be with them. It wasn't just an abstract idea of wanting to be a mother. My heart actually ached for my babies.

And now they're here. And that ache has been replaced by all the love a heart can possibly hold.

It was them all along. I don't know if it's theologically correct, or what is actually plausible, but I feel like I knew them even before they were here. Most people probably don't have a lot of time to think about that; when they decide they want to be parents, it happens. But I had five long years to dwell on what, or rather who, was missing. And I thought about it a lot. I didn't know exactly who they were, what gender, or how many, but I knew my heart cried out for them.


For whatever reason, I hadn't given it a thought since first finding out about Clara. My world changed in an instant and I didn't look back all that much. But last night it was just so amazing to remember those feelings and realize it's them. It was always them.


And maybe there will be more. Maybe there won't. But at least I no longer grieve what I don't yet have. By the grace of God, my heart has gone from broken to overflowing because they're here.

16 comments:

  1. I've been enjoying your blog. What kind of camera do you have that takes those clear, sharp pictures? I'm going to be in the market for a new camera.

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  2. Wow! What incredible insight. You knew you were missing something. Now you know exactly who and what you were missing. It's almost as if someone took your blindfold off. Beautiful!

    God bless you all!

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  3. I love this post. I remember you saying that and I felt the same way before I had these guys ;)

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  4. Absolutely beautiful and so so so so true. I love this!! I'll look forward to telling the girls how much I missed them before they got here! Beautiful image!

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  5. Precious. And Luke looks like such a BIG BOY! ;)

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  6. I agree. For me, it was more like my heart felt empty, like there were pieces missing. And now those pieces are crawling and walking around my house:). And I feel how full how I am every day and just thank God for them.

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  7. Another beautiful reflection. You always seem to write exactly what I feel. I remember those long years of waiting- the heartache and longing for my baby. I would write letters to my baby. I always felt so connected and yet my heart ached because I could not physically connect. She was always in my heart. I remember one night shortly before I can conceived Olivia feeling so ridden by anxiety and fear and I just longed for rest in so many ways. I asked my "baby" to wrap me in her spirit. It sounds crazy writing this now and, yet, at the very moment, I felt such peace and fell right to sleep. She always lived in my heart and I, too, am still amazed that she is now here with my physically to love. God is so good! Thank you for your reflection.

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  8. This gives me such hope! I don't think it's strange either, my heart aches in the same way right now. I feel like I somehow know my babies as well, which is why some days I hurt so badly. Thank you for sharing your joy!

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  9. I am so glad that I read this as I get ready to leave for my second-look lap. I hope to one day blog about the same thing, and hopefully soon!

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  10. Beautiful post! I hope to feel as you do someday.

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  11. What a great post!
    Also- Kiddos look darling in their costumes!

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  12. You know I have had that exact same thought this past week??
    Crazy! Yes, it was always them!!!
    You seem to be able to put into words what I cannot. Thank you!!!

    I do not think any of it is theologically incorrect ... somehow we did know them before they were here. Our hearts did, at least!

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  13. Oh k you write what I'm feeling! I kept thinking EXACTLY as I read this post! I constantly ask grant, what dis we do before her?? That sadness has passed away and now it's pure joy!

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  14. I love this post! I wish I could have seen our future and these babies in the midst of all our suffering, miscarriages, and surgeries- but then again I probably wouldn't have been renewed in my faith life without the suffering!
    Pictures of Clara give me happy thoughts of what our sweet MJ may look like. Your babies are both so precious!

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