Today I took part in a study on infertility. During the phone interview, I recounted my entire experience, from start to finish, and you know what was the only part that made me tear up? When the researcher asked if I ever thought I might be infertile when I was younger and I told her about the first time I knew.
I was a freshman in college, sitting in my dorm room, watching an episode of Party of Five. I remember it was at the very end of the hour, when Kirsten tells Charlie she can't have kids. I remember crying. To this day, although I hadn't watched the scene in years, I could still picture it - it was nighttime, the music was playing, Kirsten was lying down, teary eyed, depressed. I can remember the fear, the heartache I felt for a moment. I remember thinking that being in that character's shoes was the worst thing ever.
I don't think I had ever before contemplated the possibility of not being able to have children until that moment, watching that episode. And then once it became a possibility to me, something that was out there, I just knew. I knew that it was my new worst fear, and I knew it would happen to me. I cried and cried, and my roommate probably thought I was nuts (she was my friend from home, though, so she already knew I was nuts).
That scene has always stuck with me, and recalling it would make me well up with tears. So today, after getting choked up recounting the episode (and being totally fine talking about the five years of infertility we dealt with, oddly enough), I decided to google it. I had tried before with no luck, but this time I found it. Skip ahead to 5:48 to watch the exact part I'm talking about:
She was sad. I don't know what it is about that word, but I just feel like it really sums it up. Yes, I was jealous, bitter, angry, depressed... I could go on and on and on. But something about being sad just captures it all. Sadness was really my predominate emotion during those five years. It's so simple, yet so complex.
I don't remember the first time I got worried that I wasn't yet pregnant, or the first time a doctor mentioned infertility. But I have always remembered this episode. I think it's because for me, this was the first time I knew.
So nine years before I would discover I was infertile, before I knew what it was really like to be in that character's shoes, and fourteen years before I would have a nearly six-year-long struggle behind me, somehow those two minutes struck a chord in me. And for some reason, they still do.
Wow. I think it's amazing how it touched you so much that you teared up thinking about it so many years later.
ReplyDeleteWell, that makes me tear up too! I don't think I ever saw that episode (I watched that show a bit, but not a ton).
ReplyDeleteBut yeah, lots of complicated emotions, but "sad" just sums it up...
For some reason, I can't open the video. But what a story...and you are right, it is the sadness, the grief, that makes infertility so deep and heart wrenching. Thanks for sharing.
ReplyDeleteOne time while I was infertile, my sister asked me how to describe the way IF made me feel. And my throat almost closed up as my eyes began to sting. I could barely utter the word, "sad." I remember feeling as though sad did not even capture the sadness of my heart, which was literally breaking under the weight of IF. I just cried when I watched this clip, just remembering the pain. I pray for all those who still carry this cross.
ReplyDeleteI remember that episode and crying my eyes out! IF had already touched my cousin's life so I was pretty familiar with the topic. It wasn't until after the first month of trying that I knew something was up -- call it intuition or the fact that I knew that if it wasn't going to happen that first time that it would take a LONG time.
ReplyDeleteI took part in the infertility study also...
ReplyDeleteI mentioned thinking that I knew I was IF in high school and college, but forgot to mention that I used to babysit for a woman who was dealing with secondary IF and I felt this weird connection to her.....several years before experiencing it myself.
Thanks for including the part in the episode....I want to watch it...but perhaps it will make me more sad??
I remember you writing about this episode of Po5 a few years ago, and I remember telling you then that I still remember when I saw that scene, too!!! I don't think I immediately thought that I, too, may have that problem in the future, but I do remember feeling like, "OMGosh... how incredibly AWFUL that would be!!! That must be the WORST thing that can happen to ANY WOMAN!" (Hahaha! Yup. I was right!)
ReplyDeleteI'm so glad you took part in the study. You are so eloquent as you recount your history and your faith, and I think that will lend itself extremely well to this research.
I had forgotten about this episode, but now I so remember it. Sad. Actually, I think anger/bitterness is often just an outward expression of deep sadness (and feelings of helplessness).
ReplyDeleteI currently have that gut feeling and in a few months, we'll know for sure. But for years I've wondered and pushed the thought aside.
I know when I knew. Two of my aunts were very open about their infertility heartache and, while I only saw them a few times a year, I felt like that's all they ever talked about. Then, once at the dinner table my aunt was discussing her efforts and it got way too bedroom personal. Now as an adult I realize she wasn't actually talking about *that* but I still vowed at that moment that if I were ever infertile I would never, ever discuss it with anyone but my husband. And for the most part, I stuck to that!
ReplyDeleteI always knew too. I don't know why, but I did. I remember at our marriage prep weekend, they asked for our intentions. Mine was that I could have kids. I don't remember the exact moment, like this. But God definitely prepped our hearts.
ReplyDeleteSuch a great clip. You can see her grief.
ReplyDeleteI remember someone saying that not finding your husband would be sad - this is when I was single. I answered this person right back and said, "Nope, it would be worse to find the man of your dreams and not be able to have children with him." I hated even to think about it, but that was always in the back of my mind, even years before I met Doug. And years later... here we are... sad.
K, thank you for sharing that clip! I never watched that show, but watching that clip made me cry.
ReplyDeleteWhen I was single and praying the rosary all those years for a good Catholic husband and a family someday, I remember being so worried that I might never find a husband or be able to be a Mom. Sometimes I would have dreams where I was pregnant and I'd wake up feeling happy thinking "Oh this must mean, I will be able to get pregnant and be able to be a Mom after I'm married!" WRONG!
Imagine my shock, when newly married and having TTC for the eight months since we were married, when after surgery to remove bi-lateral cysts from my ovaries, I was diagnosed with endometriosis stage four. I remember before the surgery asking the surgeon to inform me right away what he found and lying there in the recovery room and him uttering one word to me "endometriosis." Later when I was brought up to a room he came up to see me at 9 pm and told me more what he found and for the first time I was told I might be "infertile". I was shocked! I didn't want to believe it! I pretended not to hear him! My worst nightmare come true!
Growing up I had a friend who I met in high school. When I was in my twenties I bumped into my friend again coming out of church with her husband. She shared with me that she had endometriosis and her struggle to have children. Hearing her sadness, the heart ache in her voice, always remained in my memory. I think I was always afraid that would happen to me and it did!
Now I'm forty five and still childless and very sad, wondering still will I ever be able to become a Mom? Will it ever happen to me?
Still I pray and hope for a miracle, whether it be a child in my womb or an adopted child! And I pray for you too K, all the other Moms, and especially for all those still waiting like me!
May God Bless you all! You're all in my thoughts and prayers!
Love,
Maria prayrosary4life@aol.com
did you have endometriosis then?
ReplyDeleteI always worried...also, watching ABC this evening about the ''big'' family of 18 kids (the bates) - that's what I wanted growing up, a large family...but I was the oldest of my own large family...and I had this feeling life would play a trick on me..oh, it has!
I wasn't a career woman either in some senses, because I wanted to be married and have kids...i did get graduate degrees and worked, but always thinking a family would begin one day...and here I am, wondering about my path...
your children seem so happy, you are so very fortunate
To another poster, I know it's horrible to have found the right guy and want to have children and not have them.
ReplyDeleteBut it is truly terrible to possibly be able to have children, and be getting older, and NOT have the right guy. Even the right one in sight. This is when all the ''fertility doctors'' want to get their hands on you.
That feeling of not having children and wanting them is just so horrible.