My neighbor (who we talk to only a few times a year, yelling across the street from our respective yards): Those aren't babies anymore!
Me (holding Luke, with Clara nearby): Ya... they're getting big!
Neighbor: We're expecting another one!
Me: Oh, congratulations!
Neighbor: And I just got fixed...
Me: (Stunned for a moment) I hope that happened after the pregnancy! Ha ha ha.
Neighbor: We thought we had done it in time, but apparently we didn't!
Me: (Nervous laugh) Huh... Well, congratulations!
This couple has three (I think?) kids already so this will be the fourth. Talk about close calls! That kid got in just in the knick of time.
And, yes, my response was pretty lame, but it wasn't exactly what I expected him to tell - or, rather, yell - to me in the middle of our neighborhood.
I've been thinking about it a lot, and of course I'm against getting "fixed" as a practicing Catholic, someone who is open to life, and as a former-infertile. But I've been trying to look at it from their perspective. I would have to guess they don't have a lot of money; our neighborhood isn't exactly wealthy. And I am willing to bet that their family of five is seen as rather large in their world. Their house is exactly like ours (if not a tiny bit bigger), so their kids have to already share rooms and a fourth will crowd it even more.
The idea of accepting as many children as God would give them is probably a foreign concept to them, I'm guessing. I know it is to the world at large. Lately, we have told quite a few people that that's our stance, and it's always met with curiosity, amazement or shock.
Case in point... We were at a wedding a couple months ago, sitting at a table full of my husband's co-workers, when talk turned to our family size.
Co-worker: Karey, now that you've had Luke, how many more do you want to have?
Me: As many as God gives us.
Co-worker: Haha.. no, really.
Me: No, really. As many as God give us. That could be ten, or that could be two.
Co-worker: I thought Ryan was kidding when he told us that!
(Aw, my husband talks about being open to God's will for our family, even when I'm not around. I love him!)
I actually didn't mind at all that that co-worker asked me about it. He seemed genuinely interested. And I also don't mind when people are surprised, as everyone at the table was. I know we live in a world where accepting as many children as God gives you is shocking. Now, I probably wouldn't enjoy being met with disgust, but that hasn't happened yet.
Although, I have had the "better you than me" remarks from strangers in the mall who see my double stroller with two little babies. They have even glared, in a way that would imply they are seeing my lovable little angels in a negative light.
But that's okay.
I take it all in stride. I'm just glad I have my babies for people to make those remarks about. I'm glad we have our fertility in tact (at least what there may be of it). I'm glad we have been taught about being open to life. And I'm glad we are open to life.
In the world we live in, it's so easy to not see the beauty in that.
It's all a blessing.
It's amazing what personal details people tell especially when they yell about it to the neighborhood.
ReplyDeleteI hate the term "fixed" as if the person were a dog.
Ok, that is just a weird thing to tell your neighbor! lol! Even though I do not necessarily share your stance on family size (or planning, or whatever we call it!), I respect it very much! People judge what they don't understand instead of being open to what others can teach us. Thanks for sharing!
ReplyDeleteYou are on a roll! I'm loving these posts! I probably would have responded as you did, in shock.
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ReplyDeleteI always get stuck when people as 'when are you going to try for another?'. My answer 'well, um, we're married...'
ReplyDeleteI find it so odd that people are willing to publicly announce that they have sterilized themselves. Even stranger are the people who don't know you at all who will walk up to you and ask questions along the lines of "Is this it?" referring to my pregnant belly after seeing my two kids expecting me to tell them whether or not we're "done." Even worse, are the people who upon hearing that we're expecting our third daughter will immediately ask if we're going to "go for a boy" after this. It's just very bizarre and in many ways too forward. The worst is when people offer me their condolences [in front of my two daughters] upon hearing that we're having another girl. I always respond to that type of remark that we're thrilled to have such beautiful little girls in our lives.
ReplyDeleteI ALWAYS think of how this relates to (currently) childless couples when I hear stories about family size comments and sterility, etc. It's not something I think about often, but when I read a post like this, I have to ponder... just how many people look at me and my husband in ENVY?? Gosh, if they only knew the bleeding of our hearts. (Even then, they'd probably still be envious.)
ReplyDeleteIt's such a sad world, when the vast majority of people out there view the greatest blessing as a curse.
BTW, a fellow Practitioner of mine has a great answer for the "fixed" question when posed of her family of 7: "Oh, no, no need to get my husband fixed, he works just fine already, as you can see!"
ReplyDeleteWow, that is a little shocking! When my husband and I got married last year, I expected to hear "When are are going to start having children?" But instead, we heard a lot of "Wait to have kids, enjoy yourself before you get burdened with children." Then when we announced we were pregnant earlier this year, everybody assumed it was an "accident". And we are already asked and "advised" about having no more than two! I think all those comments really say something about how children are viewed in our culture.
ReplyDeleteWe have received some "hostile" viewpoints (including from my parents) about us being open to as many as God gives us, so I try to avoid talking about it until it comes up. I'm not very good at responding to those questions and comments yet. I know I should be more open about my beliefs, but it's so hard, especially being currently pregnant, I get really defensive when people criticize children because I feel they are criticizing the little one currently in my womb!
Ha, my response would have been similar! And I have always been amazed at how open folks will be about getting "fixed." I sometimes wonder if they feel the need to justify the decision? Or maybe they just want to bond over family planning talk?
ReplyDeleteGood grief!! I don't understand why they call it being "fixed"--remind me again, what's broken?? Nothing!
ReplyDeleteI love that you are 'open to life', what a great post and great witness! I pray that God continues to bless you!.....and btw, I haven't met a man yet who hasn't regretted being "fixed"!
ReplyDeleteSeveral of our neighbors have been very vocal about getting themselves "fixed". It's so odd to me. Even though I disagree with it, like you, I wish they would keep it private! For goodness sakes. We don't want to know!
ReplyDeleteWow, so sad! I agree with some of the comments that there is a type of "public confession" to the act of pronouncing to the world that one has been "fixed", and then almost begging you to say that you are "done", too. It's almost like they need that herd affirmation. "If we all do it, then it's okay, right?"
ReplyDeleteBut somewhere in there, is a conscience stirring?
What a culture we live in!
Oh, and for shameless promotion, I did a post on getting "fixed" vs getting "broken" here:
http://littlecatholicbubble.blogspot.com/2010/12/sterilization-is-it-getting-fixed-or.html
Wow. This is crazy. And although it should be shocking, it's not! Its like people are proud of themselves or something.
ReplyDeleteThey have no idea what we've been through to get these babies.
Sometimes I feel bad because I seem to be complaining about my challenges right now with having two babies. I hope it NEVER comes off that way because in my heart that is the furthest thing from the truth. Even though I have cried at least 3 times this week because I'm so flustered with having two so small at the same time, I NEVER EVER wish it any other way. I know what you mean about those not so nice looks, also. It is so sad.
I also wonder how many people I encounter in public are struggling with infertility and think I'm just another VERY fertile person. I want to announce to them "don't feel bad! I'm really not!!" ha ha.
It is a beautiful thing to surrender your fertility to the Lord. And sometimes OH SO painful. As we have both experienced also.
I cannot wait to have more babies, if only I am so lucky. And if not, well, I CANNOT WAIT to adopt more!
My BIL had a vasectomy at the age of 30 (my SIL is older and they have two kids) and I just can't get my head round it at all.
ReplyDeleteI will be happy to take what I am given when it comes to children, whether it be 1 or 10 x
Argh! The ignorance of people that take their fertility for granted!
ReplyDeleteHate term "fixed"...sounds like we are animals! And neighbor=tmi=awkward!
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