Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Productive day

I don't know if it's the new medication or not, but today was the most productive I've been in a long time! I finished designing programs for my sister's wedding, printed out 50 of them (sounds simple but it involved measuring and scoring all 50 pages and printing fronts and backs), cut out fabric for six table runners, did a load of laundry and the dishes.

Wow! When I write it out like that, it sounds pathetic!

Seriously though, it felt like I was moving, moving, moving all day long...which is great! I didn't feel compelled to lay on the couch, other than one time when I was extremely light headed, but I fought through that and was fine.

Can thyroid medication even work this fast? I know my doctor said we'd need to wait a month to do a blood test to see if my levels have changed, but can it affect my mood and energy level even sooner?

I did have one negative side effect last night. Just before going to bed I became real panicky. I knew it was out of nowhere though, and calmed myself down by telling myself it was the new medication. I got into bed and fell asleep before it escalated. This morning, I googled it and found that panic attacks are something people do experience on the drug. I was fine today, so hopefully I'm through the worst of it.

So this is the first cycle in a long time that I'm not taking Tamoxifen. That means I also won't be taking B6, or having my peak +7, 9 and 11 blood drawn. I'll still chart, but I won't be taking my temp. It's very liberating to not have to worry about any of that.

Last night at adoration I started reading a book that I purchased about three years ago called "Life Shouldn't Look Like This" by Gregory Popcak. I first saw it in the adoration chapel I used to adore at before we moved. I loved it right away (when giving examples of suffering and tough situations, it used a story of infertility...I was in love!) and so I bought my own copy.

Let's just say, it was hard to take at the time. I remember reading it in bed with my husband, actually him reading it to me and me just crying. It was forcing me to realize that I had no joy whatsoever in my life. There was no meaning in it and I was just getting by, and barely. The book would ask questions about what you enjoy doing, trying to draw something out of you and I would just scream that there was NOTHING I enjoyed. It was painful, but true. I was completely incapable of feeling joy or contentment.

I put the book away and didn't return to it until now. Well, it's truly amazing how much has changed. Actually, not much has changed about my situation, but I have changed, thanks be to God.

Back during that time, the book started me thinking about what God's plan was for me and how I could serve him while I waited. One of my favorite parts talks about how we are often scared to be productive while we wait on God because we're afraid that if he sees that we are happy in the meantime, then he won't pluck us out of our tough situation. That was/is so true for me!

Anyways, I really think this book is what lead me to pray that God would give me a calling, something to do to honor him while I waited. And that's right when I started feeling called to make my movie.

I never, ever would have thought back then, as I cried in bed about not having a hobby that I could pursue like the book was urging me to find, that I would have produced a documentary and that it would over a year behind me now. Time definitely flies.

I've only re-read the first chapter, but I'm already looking at it so differently and I think it can help me even more this time around. I was such a mess before that I could only use bits and pieces of the advice.

One of my favorite parts that I read last night is this: "God believes in you. You don't have to believe in yourself. Just believe in God and trust that if he has put you in a spot, he will give you the grace to get out of that spot."

It goes on to say that with every breath you take you should repeat to yourself, "I believe in God. God believes in me." The author acknowledges that it might sound corny, but just asks you to try it.

I can't tell you how much I needed to read that three years ago. I was barely getting by and repeating those words to myself were necessary for survival. And, looking back, God did give me the grace to get out of that spot. I'm not where I want to be yet, but I believe he will continue giving me grace until I am where I want - and he wants me - to be.

I'll post insights I get from the book in the days ahead. Okay, because I can't resist, here's one more before I go:

"Do you pray that your life would be a reflection of what God created you to do and who he created you to be? Imagine if you could pray that prayer like you meant it every day for the rest of your life. What couldn't you accomplish? By choosing to want what God wants for you, you set yourself on the path to fulfilling the purpose for which you were created, and thus you set yourself on the path to fulfillment."

Isn't that great? The thought of living the life for which I was created and being fulfilled by it sounds truly wonderful!

God, please let my life be a reflection of what you created me to do and who you created me to be. Amen.

9 comments:

  1. WOW! Amazing passages from that book! I am so tempted to run out and get it right now. Thank you for posting all that. What a blessing to look back and see how you have grown and changed.

    I read another book by the same author when we were engaged called "For Better... Forever." I remember it was really good.

    Glad to hear that you're feeling good and being productive. I love when that happens! :)

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  2. That sounds like a great book!

    I hope your energy continues! That would be AWESOME!!!

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  3. He and his wife have a call-in radio show that airs on WDEO in MI (and, I'm sure, elsewere). I think you can hear it on the web, too. They're awesome.

    In re thyroid medication: at least one of the two aunts I talked to (hypothyroidism REALLY runs in my family, for better or for worse) said that they felt substantially better within DAYS of starting the medication. It makes sense. It's not like tamoxifen, that's supposed to push one lever to get a whole system operating at a different level of balance after several cycles. With thyroid, you're deficient in exactly one thing, and you take more of it, and (assuming it's the right dosage) you're no longer deficient. Just like that.

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  4. Sounds like you had a really productive day. That's great!!! I think the med.s could change things that quickly...

    That book sounds AEWSOME! I will definitely look it up. Thanks for sharring.

    ~Amber

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  5. Yay for a more productive day! Thank you for this post. I think I need that book. I have joy when we're traveling or when Paul is home but the 12-13 hours a day 5 days a week that Paul is gone... well, I need to get off my butt and find something I enjoy. I'm not worried about God leaving me this way. I think God wants us all to enjoy this time. But definitely, I've known for a while that I needed more joy in my life and I feel like God is talking to me through your blog again. Funny enough, the main reason I quit my job was to have the time to do things that I enjoy... now if I could just figure out what that is! ;o)

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  6. That book sounds fabulous. I'd love to read it as soon as I am finished reading the other one you gave me :) Can't wait for the beach so I can catch up on my reading!

    The hubs and I also read the other book by that same author that Jeremiah mentioned when we were in engaged. It was also wonderful.

    I hope you have another energy-filled day!

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  7. The books sound great. I had a book GC about to expire and no idea what to get so I ordered it today. Thanks!

    Hope you had another great day.

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  8. I love you! Thank you for doing so much for my wedding! Love, your very grateful sister :)

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  9. Great post K! I'll have to look for that book.

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