I don't know how I feel today. I have drastic mood swings from hour to hour. One minute I'm happy, peaceful and hopeful and the next thing I know I'm depressed, tired and just sick of it all.
I guess that is to be expected.
Physically, I finally feel better. I've been keeping very detailed notes on my physical aches and pains for several months now and recently I discovered there is a pattern. I have abdominal pain, mainly on the left side, for several days at the beginning of each cycle. It always ends a few days before my peak day, and then I don't write down any symptoms usually for about ten days. Then, about five or six days before my cycle ends, I start writing that I have abdominal pain again. And it goes on and on like that, month after month. I don't know what it is, but I'm betting it's due to adhesions and, surprisingly, I'm okay with that if it is.
Spiritually, I have to admit that lately I've been kind of angry with God. Specifically, that he isn't making the rest of my life perfect. I know that sounds completely unreasonable, especially typed out like that, but I honestly just sometimes wish that this cross could be it. That if he wants me to carry it, then he could at least roll out the red carpet for me along the way, ushering me along on my journey, making sure no one else gets in my way. But, of course, no one ever said cross-carrying was easy.
It's just that I'm finding that I can't take anything else in addition to infertility. I'm packed full. There's no more room. So I am completely incapable of handling the little disturbances that pop up. All of my energy is being directed towards making sure I'm not melting down at any given moment over my inability to become a mother. How can I possibly handle life's other problems?
Not that I have other big problems. I'm just ill equipped to deal with this, and so I find myself wishing (and, really, expecting) God to answer all of my smaller prayers as I wait for the big one. I incorrectly think that I'm owed that. That it would be the least he could do.
Whether it's right or wrong, I'm kind of in that phase again where I just need something, anything, to keep me going. But I guess that's the place where we learn to survive. The place when we think we need something to keep us going and nothing comes. Yet we keep going.
God has definitely stripped me of everything and I can only hope he has plans to build me back up. I know we are capable of bearing much heavier crosses and, but for His grace, I could be. I hope and pray that this is the heaviest cross we'll ever know. And if it is, I guess this could be viewed as a blessing, actually.
It probably doesn't help that the Mets have lost three in a row. And to the Pirates, no less. At least SYTYCD is on tonight. I can't bear children so I look to life's much smaller pleasures.
Thursday, June 4, 2009
Misdirected anger
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So sorry you are feeling down about IF. I go through those times, too. I find that adoration and the rosary help me to build the grace back up for what I need to keep going.
ReplyDeleteBummer about the Mets, however I AM from Pittsburgh. Don't worry, the Pirates streak can't last too long. :)
I completely understand how you feel about the cross of IF being heavy enough. I too have had those same thoughts. Just think all of these crosses we bear may shorten the time we may have to spend in purgatory lol But seriously dealing with IF is hard enough but to also be experiencing a host of other hardships is angrifying.
ReplyDeleteI totally know what you mean. I feel the same way. Sometimes I think that's why I keep so busy. Honestly, it distracts me from everything else going. Unfortunately, though, the time flies by and it's such a sad reminder to me of how long we've been waiting for a child. Ugh. I always thought I was going to teach for one year, get pregnant and stay home. Next year will be year #5 for me!
ReplyDeleteI'm praying for you... that God's grace will sustain you through this time of trial and waiting.
I feel like you ripped this post from my heart. I'm right there with you my friend. Angry at God, but if not for God, worthless. It is an interesting place to be for sure!
ReplyDeleteI woke up with a mean case of PMS. I am just irritated at everything right now.
ReplyDeleteIt is amazing how our moods can change so much so fast.
I just wish things were different for everyone.
That's a really sound (and saner) explanation of the "baby rage" with which I've self-diagnosed. I say the IF has given me such latent anger that any small unpleasantness taps into it (though I AM getting better on that score). But even when it's not rage, it is hard to take other things, and that's the perfect understanding of why. (For my part, I am convinced God owes me my house if I can't have babies.)
ReplyDeleteI feel the same way a lot of the time. If I can't be a mother, why can't I at least have a job that I like, or be a stay-at-home-wife? I still feel like one day everything is going to fall into place...so I guess I still have some optimism.
ReplyDeleteI love that you're a huge baseball fan - we're Red Sox fans, but my grandfather-in-law was a huge Mets fan, so I've always rooted for them as well. And yes, I notice I get grumpy when the Red Sox lose :). Of course, the Red Sox started winning right around when we started dealing with IF (2004), so maybe there's a connection? HAHAHA. right.
Ya know, my friend had those thoughts...she's been dealing with M.S. for about nine years now and she thought that was her only cross until she got breas.t canc.er. She was devestated. Sometimes God gives us more than one cross to carry...I like that saying "God only gives us what we can handle...I just wish he didn't trust me so much." (It's something like that.) Blessings!
ReplyDeleteI totally feel for you because every word that you wrote is EXACTLY how I feel. I also get those feelings like since I am having to deal with infertility that I am owed a break in all other areas of my life. It's been a difficult four years; an emotional rollercoaster. But I do want to say that finding your blog site this past year has really helped me deal with all these emotions. Your comments and thoughts have given me a lot to think about and have encouraged me along the way. I thank God for that. I will keep praying for you as I continue on this journey.
ReplyDeletehi hon. prayers for you. when I get feeling down, I know I need a "shot" of grace--like the Sacraments, adoration, or even a retreat.
ReplyDeleteWill be going to adoration tonight, and will remember you and your intentions there. :)
I LOVE SYTYCD... it makes an infertile woman happy :) I'm just so sad the 2 brothers didn't get in together, although I do think the younger one was a better dancer, the older was really talented, too.
ReplyDeleteSo far, he's my favorite. I can't wait for the season to get underway!!
You surely handle your bad moods with much more grace then I am able to muster up! ;)
ReplyDeletehahahaha Last night I wanted to flip the table at dinner. I didn't stop there, then I wanted to pick up our huge tv and throw it out of the window! I couldn't figure out what was wrong with me. I was P + 3 ??? Hahahah I went to bed EARLY! ;) I figured that was the best thing to do to stay married. :)
K, I know how you feel. I just took another pregnancy test and again it doesn't look like I'm pregnant this month. I often feel very discouraged and want to cry.
ReplyDeleteHave you ever heard of Marilyn Shannon and her book “Fertility, Cycles, and Nutrition”? She just came out with a 4th edition with some very helpful info on nutrition, what vitamins/supplements to take, ect. on a variety of different infertility conditions. It looks like I am doing a lot of the right things, but the rest is up to God. My Mom tells me I need to trust in God more and pray more. Sometimes when I feel sad and discouraged I don’t pray the rosary every day. I need to pray it more.
Please know I'm thinking of you and praying for you! If you ever need a friend, encouragement or prayer, or someone to talk to, I'm here for you!
May God Bless you.
Love,
Maria
Yep. I too, know exactly what you are talking about. Oh, to bare all my crosses heroically... *sigh*
ReplyDeleteOh, I do that all the time. (I hope God doesn't mind, lol. I try not to direct my frustration at Him.....but sometimes I think I do anyway.)
ReplyDeleteI complain about these numerous health problems and pain, and why aren't there any good treatments yet. I complain that infertility is bad enough, but I sort of resent putting all of this effort into "fixing" it when I'm not even married (or anywhere remotely close), so what does it matter anyway? I complain about being a chronically ill, jobless, only child watching my parents getting older and worrying about how I'm going to take care of them. (Sometimes, I also throw in complaints about how I still don't have a driver's license or college degree, even after a decade of work on those things.)
But God usually just listens......and then points out the people I know who have crosses that are much larger and more numerous than mine. (And then I feel terrible about complaining.) No matter how bad things look, there's always somebody struggling more than you are.