...I don't have to wait two weeks to see if I'm pregnant and be let down. We can get right to work on the second cycle post surgery. I mean, no one gets pregnant on the same cycle of their surgery, right?
Even though I'm not one to watch my chart too closely (except on my fertile days), I was planning on posting today about what day I was on, how I have had a lot of fertile mucus days (too many, perhaps?), and what it all may mean. I was officially going to become obsessed with my cycle again and to over-analyze each nuance. Then I got my period this afternoon.
So here goes anyway: Yesterday was cycle day 30, I had 15 days of mucus (with the exception of a three days in between the days of mucus), and my luteal phase was a total of three days. What does that mean?? I typically have long cycles, ranging from about 35-45 days. Short luteal phases aren't usually my problem; I've only had one other cycle like this since I started charting. So it's safe to say I wasn't expecting this today.
I'm not sure what to make of it. My ovaries did just undergo major surgery three weeks ago today, so maybe they're just getting back on track. But one thing I am fearing (because I always fear the worst) is that I have PCOD (or S..which is it?). Dr. Hilgers didn't completely rule it out since my ovaries were in such rough shape that he couldn't tell what was going on underneath the endometriomas. I also have high testosterone, which could be a sign I think (but other than that there aren't any real symptoms). God, please don't let me have PCOD. I can't face another major surgery. I don't want to go back to Omaha. I just want this to all be over with.
So this is where having patience comes in. I won't even begin the process of having new blood work done for three weeks. I probably won't get the results or hear what new treatment options there are for two months. And I might not start any possible new treatments for three months. But, despite my crazy cycles, I just have to keep going, as if my body is completely capable of conceiving. This is when I have a hard time with hope - when is hope just me lying to myself? Maybe that's when blind faith comes in - having hope in the Lord even when it seems the odds are stacked against me.
Back when I thought I had a chance to conceive each month (it seems so long ago now) I use to allow myself an indulgence on days where I found out it wasn't happening. That usually meant eating a peanut butter cup sundae from Friendly's. So maybe I'll start that tradition back up!