Wednesday, January 30, 2008

I'm sick of this!

I am having one of those days where it hurts every second. It's amazing how one day I can be a little hopeful and headed in the right direction, and just a few days later I am in utter despair. It's not because I hoped to be pregnant this month. I didn't. It's because it's just one of those days when it all seems too much to bear.

I am now convinced that endometriosis isn't my only major problem. I am starting to think that my high testosterone and prolactin levels are serious problems of their own. So now I'm feeling silly for thinking I was going to have a shot in the next several months. I can see this thing dragging on for years and the clock ticking away. If it takes that long, how will I live? The past three years have already seemed like such a waste, I don't want to more time to be ruined. I already feel like our anniversary each year isn't a celebration, but rather a grim ticker counting off the years of my misery. That's not what you're supposed to think about the years you've been married! I just think it will be tragic to look back on our life and see the years from age 27 through (fill in the blank) with a black cloud over them. It's supposed to be one of the best times of our lives and so far it has been the worst because of this horrible condition.

Infertility is so ridiculously cruel. I just can't understand why God would allow it to happen. My husband emailed me today to say that a co-worker told him he has male-factor infertility and was talking about how hard it is on his wife. I use to like it when I found out someone else was going through this; I use to find comfort in knowing we weren't alone. But now I hate it. It makes me so mad when I hear another couple is going through it. I don't want to know that anyone else knows what this is like.

I am also having trouble understanding why God thinks I can handle all of this. He's not supposed to give us more than we can handle, right? Well I can't handle this!

I'm sorry to rant, but it's just that kind of day.

4 comments:

  1. I have had many days like this! I really hope you are able to find some peace soon. That is not a fun place to be. =(

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  2. hi...I saw your comment on blessed is the barren and wanted to say hi. I too am a catholic struggling on this whole fertility journey. It's nice to have someone with such a similar journey to share the travel with. I wish you the best of luck. But I understand your frustration...I sometimes wonder why we're being put through this when others seem to have such an easy time! I'm not bitter...just dumbfounded sometimes. I'm a nurse and see a lot of people who end up being moms...who don't even want to be...and it's starting to become harder and harder. But I'm not giving up yet. Stop by and say hi sometime if you want. I always like the company. I'm glad to come across your blog!

    Sara

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  3. I agree with you....it's NO fun at all. I am so sick of all these too. The worst thing is, you see babies everywhere....and pregnant women everywhere....

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  4. I am sorry that any of us have to go through this.

    Sometimes it is all I can do to just get up and live my life.

    I don't think I can handle too much more of this, either. Something's gotta give - please, God - have mercy on us!!!

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