As much as I hate to admit it, I think there's a good chance I might get pregnant some day. In the far reaches of my mind, when I dare to admit it to myself for fear of somehow jinxing it, I think it could happen. I didn't always feel this way, but I have caught the new, post-surgery me thinking these thoughts. They tend to go like this: I'm in my mid-30's, I have at least one adopted child and I've never stopped praying for a miracle. It's unexpected and amazing.
I believe that the removal of my endometriosis - barring a new, additional diagnosis (still the pessimist) - now makes even the possibility possible. Even if my egg is not currently being released from my ovary, having otherwise healthy reproductive organs at least allows for the chance that an egg will one day, one month, find its way out.
While I believe in miracles, I didn't feel in my heart that I'd get my miracle before my surgery. I know anything is possible, but I just wasn't feeling it. But now I believe God could definitely work His wonders. I don't know why I feel this way, maybe because it is easier to imagine God making my egg leave my ovary rather than imagining Him instantaneously clearing up my endometriosis. Maybe it is easier to wrap my mind around the former. But maybe it's also because God is putting the possibility on my heart now.
That brings me to what I need more than anything at the moment (yes, even more than hope). There are a lot of things about me God has been working on in the past 3 1/2 years. Through it all, though, I know patience is at the top of the list. I want to be pregnant yesterday. I want to be pregnant after my first cycle post surgery. I want to be pregnant by at least the second month. I want to be pregnant while I'm 31. Heck, I want to give birth while I'm 31. I want to be pregnant sooner rather than later so that my new-found hope doesn't wane. I don't know how long I can sustain this slightly positive outlook.
I know I need to work on my patience. There's going to be a wait. There could be a very long wait (every day seems long when you're dealing with infertility). Now that I think about it, "be patient" were Dr. Hilgers' parting words to me. It might not happen right away and that's okay (I try to convince myself). Because, if given the choice, wouldn't we all say we'd take a pregnancy five years from now over no pregnancy at all? I know, the thought of waiting five, six or seven years seems horrible, especially because while we wait we don't have any guarantee that a pregnancy will ever happen. If we did it would be too easy. I have definitely wished that I could know the future.. if God could just let me know now.
So I pray to the Lord that I can learn patience and completely submit to His will in the meantime.
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
I may not know what His plans are for my future, but if He says he won't harm me, then I guess I have to believe that and try to have some patience in the meantime.