Pictures from our NYC trip

I'm still not in a great mood, but since I am really happy for usually only two, maybe three days a month, you could be waiting a long time for these pictures! And I know you are all on the edge of your seats to see them! (I'm kidding)

Plus, maybe remembering how much fun we had will brighten my mood. So here they are...

Central Park, where, yes - we rented a row boat!

Seriously, I don't know what took me so long to find out you could do this! And it only cost like $12! You can't do anything in NYC for $12!

It was so much fun and just a gorgeous day. And there were so many photo ops that I didn't know what to do! Finally I just had to put down my camera and enjoy it.

And, yes, I'm wearing the same shirt I had on in my vacation pics and no, I didn't sew it! And, yes - apparently it's all I own.

A friend of Ryan's who works at Fox Business Channel gave us a behind-the-scenes tour of both the business channel as well as Fox News Channel. Very exciting! Here we are in the FBC's new studio.

Heading to the game...

Last year we got my dad a brick that they would put in the new Mets' ballpark, so this is me posing with it. See the one that my left knee is touching? It's the one on top of that one, in case you're interested.

The Mets won! And we love the new ballpark!

And the food! This is actually WHOLE WHEAT PIZZA!! I love when places have options for my diet!!

Add this helmet to the list of things Ryan would buy if money were not an issue. (Hmmm.. I should remember this for his birthday!)

Okay, one of me wearing it too.

We stopped for dinner the next day before the feast day Mass and Ryan had one big beer! (Don't worry, he was completely sober for church)

He took this picture to get back at me for "tagging" his iPhone in some pictures of him on face.book. I couldn't help it, though! He was on it in almost every picture of us mini-golfing! Anyway, for the record, I am NOT on it a lot, and I don't even have one of my own so it doesn't count.

Okay, so that's it for now. You'll have to check back for the photos from the St. Gianna Feast Day Mass. I want to keep you all in suspense! Just kidding. It's just a lot of work to upload a ton of pictures so I'm taking a break. 

Not in the mood for a happy post

I will post pictures from St. Gianna's shrine and our trip to NYC later, but it's not a great day so I'm just not in the mood to write a happy post at the moment, and the post about my trip should most definitely be a happy post. I will say, though, that we did have a great two days.

Yesterday was cycle day one and I'm just so over this. I just think it's time to move on, but the joke's on me because there's nothing to move on to. Adoption would be nice, but that isn't exactly moving forward at the moment, thanks to our abortion-happy society. So that leaves me with a whole lot of nothing.

Sure, we'll probably adopt in a year at the earliest, most likely longer. At least there's some end in sight. But it just infuriates me that I finally decide to adopt, get over all my emotional hang-ups with it, and then suddenly adoptions come to a near halt. Just my luck.

So I'm left to live in a fertile world, navigating through the pregnant women and babies everywhere I go, having my heart ripped out over and over and over and over, waiting for a reward that will come in eternity. That is, if I don't mess it up by being self-absorbed, jealous and ungrateful while I'm here.

Today when my poor, sweet husband was trying to make me feel better, he pointed out to me that I just need to turn to God in my pain and he will comfort me and bring me peace. But my reply was, 'No, actually. I have been going through this for very close to five years now and I have turned to God on a daily basis and I don't find comfort, or peace."

Don't get me wrong - I am not saying that God isn't hearing me, or isn't there, or is vindictive. Not at all. What I am saying is that for some reason - a reason which is beyond my comprehension - God doesn't want me to feel peace right now. He wants me to suffer this. He doesn't want to take away the torturous desire in me to be a mother.

I am not angry with God for this (although I can't say I'm not curious). I, thankfully, completely believe and understand that this must be his will.

I mean, the alternative would be that it is my fault, that I am doing something wrong. I'm not praying the right way. I'm not opening myself up completely to his comfort. I'm not unlocking the magical door to his peace.

But I don't think that's it. While I am no where near perfect, I have prayed my heart out for years now. I have gone to him, worshipped and loved him, and asked for his will to be done. So, I have to believe that this is it. What else can I do?

He knows my heart and he knows my desires. And so I am just left to accept that not only does he not will for me to be pregnant, but he wills for me to suffer with this right now. I have to accept that.

Another road trip

Well there hasn't been much new to post about the last few days, and there still isn't. Great way to start a post and get you to keep reading, I know.

Today is peak +13. I'll probably start a new cycle tomorrow or Tuesday. Hopefully tomorrow I'll also get my peak +11 progesterone result, not that it's a big deal or anything.

Tomorrow we also leave for NYC, where we'll see a Mets game, then, on Tuesday, we'll swing by St. Gianna's shrine on our way home for her feast day Mass.

So we were going to just leave New York after the game Monday night and get a hotel along 95 South in New Jersey. We figured it'd be cheaper, obviously, than staying in New York. But after looking for quite a while, it was discouraging to discover that after fees and tax, it'd cost anywhere from $80 (for a bottom of the barrel roach motel) to $125 (for a Hol.iday Inn or Com.fort Inn). We're not talking luxury here, people! And, remember, these are just hotels off of random exits in New Jersey. It's not like they are in some beautiful location or anything (no offense, Jersey-ites.. I'm not knocking your state. I'm just referring to your average motel located between a truck stop and a Perk.ins).

The final straw was when I read a review of one motel in our price range in which the person said a prostitute was using the room next door to them. I hate spending a lot of money to sleep somewhere for one night, but that's where I draw the line.

So, Ryan suggested trying Price.line. I remembered that we had used that years ago, and always had good luck. Well, let's just say that I did it yesterday and we got a 4 star hotel in Manhattan for $100! And we checked its website and the same room goes for $289! So much better than staying in a crappy motel somewhere! It helped that we're going on a Monday and the economy is bad, meaning there are probably tons of empty rooms. But the roach motels still wanted to charge me an arm and a leg!

I am so excited because I LOVE hotels. Especially nice ones. And we haven't stayed in one in New York in a few years.

Now I'm looking for things to do before the game Monday and before heading to Pennsylvania on Tuesday. We've done most of the touristy things since we've been there so often, and I lived there for a couple summers when I was in college. We always end up just walking around, usually shopping, wishing we had had a plan. So I'm trying to come up with one.

That's about it for me. Pretty boring. But I'll have lots of pictures after the next two days, and I'll be praying for all of you at St. Gianna's feast day Mass! See you Wednesday!

Rising progesterone

My doctor's office called today with my peak +9 test results. They are as follows:

Progesterone: 34.66
Estradiol: 372

They have both risen since Monday's peak +7 results, which were:

Progesterone: 27
Estradiol: 241

What the heck does that mean? Of course, I asked the nurse, and she didn't have anything to add. Just that today's numbers were "perfect."

My progesterone rose after peak +7 the month of the false pregnancy test, too, but in that instance it fell on peak +9 and then rose again on peak +11. This is the first time since we've been testing that it has just kept rising.

Since I haven't had a doctor's appointment since October (other than my adoption physical in December), I have no way of knowing what any of this means. Good, bad, irrelevant, I have no idea. Well, to be honest, I did talk to my doctor on the phone the month of the false test (I guess that's what I've dubbed it) and he said that it was good. After all, progesterone means pro gestation, right? The fact that it is high is a good sign because it means that life could possibly take hold in my womb. Yes, I know it probably won't...but it's at least providing a better atmosphere for it to than in cycles past.

I guess my point is - it can't hurt.

Oh, please don't tell me it actually can hurt. Like that progesterone that keeps rising but doesn't result in a pregnancy is actually indicative of some big problem. That being said, let me know if you actually do know what this might mean, if anything, or if you have seen it before. 

I had my peak +11 draw today so hopefully I'll get those results on Monday. 

Mood swings *Updated with progesterone level

I had to resist posting yesterday since it wouldn't have been pretty. When my progesterone drops on peak +8, watch out. I'm a mess. Actually, I was at my in-laws for most of the day and I was fine, other than when I called my doctor's office to make an appointment for the end of May (thinking I'm getting in WAY ahead of time) and was told I could have an appointment on June 16. A two month wait. My Tamoxifen runs out next month and we will have no plan at that point. 

So I shed some tears briefly, but then was fine for the remainder of the day until we started driving home. I wish I could see my hormone levels throughout the day because something shifted around 6 o'clock. I was in one of those "I can't go on like this" moods. You know the one. Where you just don't think you are physically and emotionally capable to continue living year after year in a fertile world. It's not like I don't want to live. No, it's not like that at all! Don't worry! It's just this weird feeling like you are physically exhausted and you don't see how you are going to keep going through this day after day. You become sure that your body will just give out from the sheer stress placed on it. You wonder how many times you can see pregnant women or babies and endure the actual piercing feeling you experience in your heart. You are sure it will kill you.

We had adoration last night and I was really bratty while there. I should probably go to confession for it. I swore I wouldn't pray, wouldn't beg God for anything anymore. I ended up praying, of course, but not a lot. I sat and pouted for most of the hour. And I let him know that I felt abandoned. Forgotten. Totally passed over. Unloved. Then, on my knees in front of the Blessed Sacrament, I realized what I was telling him was actually a description of how he was treated during the Passion. Hmmm. Touché, God. I guess you were working on me as I sat there, angry with you. You somehow took my complaints and turned them around so I would realize the most important figure in the history of time on Earth, who also happened to be GOD, also experienced this and much, much more. And that to feel abandoned, to feel what you felt, might actually be a grace, a gift. And I thought I was just going to sulk and really show you.

I'm feeling much better today. Some hormone must be rising, leveling out. Who knows. I don't care. I had my peak +9 blood draw this morning and now we're about to eat lunch. I'm not as worried about waiting two months for my next appointment. I do have some decisions to make about our next step, but I no longer feel compelled to make them today.

Oh, and I found this, which lifted my spirits tremendously. I decided yesterday that I needed to attend a Catholic conference like the one I went to in February, to refresh me spiritually. I asked God to help me find one. Of course, he came through. And rather quickly. And one of the speakers is someone I googled all day yesterday because I really wanted to see her (thanks to Shannon, who heard her speak about her own struggles with infertility this past weekend), while another speaker who will be there I wouldn't have dreamed I'd ever be able to see. Check out the speakers list to see who I'm talking about. You'll want to go!

*Update: So my doctor's office called and my peak +7 progesterone this cycle was 27 (and for those of you who actually know what estradiol does and what a good level is, that was 241). That's a lot lower than my peak +7 in February when it was 44.21 (last month doesn't really count because peak +7 fell on a Sunday), but I guess it's still okay because 44 is crazy high. And I guess 27 is good for not being on any progesterone supplements. I'll let you know when I hear about peak + 9 (I know, try to contain yourselves). Peak +11 gets drawn Friday.

Apparently it's obvious that I'm infertile

So I have another little infertility-related interaction I had at the very beginning of my vacation. We were still in Richmond at this point and my sister and I were getting pedicures next to each other when the woman massaging my sister's legs asks me if I'm married. I say yes, and then she looks right at me and says, "You have no babies, I can tell." What?? Does it say so on my forehead now? Is it that obvious? When I asked her how she knew, she said, "your shape." Then she went on to say that a few months after her baby was born her husband asked if she could return her post-baby body and get her old one back. She laughed that it was, at that point, too early for him to make that joke. I'd say!

I guess the silver lining in this is I'd probably weigh a lot more if I was popping out kids. But, let's be honest, that means nothing to me. Sure, I have my "shape" (although it's still not good enough to walk around in a bikini, but I'm more than happy to wear my little swimsuit skirt bottom.. thanks, Lan.d's End!), but I'd rather have babies. And the only reason I am thinner now is, ironically, because of infertility and the diet I was forced to start. Believe me, I remember that every time I take a bite of no-sugar-added ice cream.

And like I talked about in my last post, this woman didn't mean anything by it. She thought she was complementing me!

*********

Thanks for all your supportive comments on my last post. It really stopped bothering me after that first day. I think my progesterone started to rise and my mood started improving, along with my ability to handle things like that situation.

Today I'm going to have my peak +7 blood draw for progesterone and estradiol. Last night I think I had some spotting, but now I'm wondering if I dreamed it. I hate when that happens! I definitely charted it because it's there in black and white (and red sticker), but I had been sleeping on the couch before I went to bed, so I'm not sure how good my observation skills were and the memory of it is a bit foggy now. Although I think being out of it might cause me to miss seeing the spotting, not see it when it's not there, right?

So this is what I think happened - earlier in the night I saw some very, very, very slight discoloration, like off white or very light tan. To someone who isn't looking for it, it would have seemed like nothing, but for those of us who are forced to make an observation every time we're in the bathroom, we know even the slightest change. Then, a few hours later, before I went to bed, I saw some darker tan/pink spotting. Not like one spot or drop, but all-over discoloration like I usually see right before I start a new cycle (those of you who chart will get what I mean, while those of you who don't are probably just grossed out by now).

Sorry to focus so much on this, but I haven't spotted in the middle of my luteal phase for quite some time now. Actually, the last time it happened was on Christmas day and before that, September. I liked not feeling compelled to google "implantation bleeding" for a while! I always feel silly as I do it, and rightfully so, but some terrible force makes me type the words.

Of course, it has never been implantation spotting in the past and I am confident it isn't now. When it happened before, my doctor told me it was fine and normal, "my body getting back on track." But now I ovulate on day 14 or 15 and have 13 or 14 day luteal phases, so isn't my body back on track by now? Well, I haven't gotten pregnant, so clearly that answers my question.

Just when I thought I'd heard it all...

In all my nearly five years of infertility - four years and eight months to be exact - I thought I had experienced it all. There have been the uncomfortable conversations, the cliche comments, hurtful remarks from people who just didn't think, people who pity you, people who avoid the elephant in the room, etc., etc. For the most part, I've had a pretty high tolerance for these things. I have never minded discussing infertility with people (I see it as a chance to witness and an opportunity to lift the stigma attached to it) and I understand that when someone says something cliche (you know, "just relax") that they are only trying to help. I politely answer when people I have just met ask if I have any kids and when I say no, continue pressing about why. And I even know that when someone says something that would be considered inappropriate to say in the presence of an infertile woman (perhaps a mother complaining about her many kids or her ease at getting pregnant), I know that they aren't seeing the world through the eyes of an infertile woman and I can't blame them for that.

No, I have taken it all in stride and for whatever reason, it has never bothered me. Until now.

For the first time, someone has thrown my infertility in my face for the sole purpose of a comeback.

Here's what happened - My husband has an acquaintance who I'll call "S". He worked with him about five years ago and was always nice to this man, despite the fact that he was in and out of jail and lived what some would consider a shady lifestyle. Ryan kind of played the big brother role to him; he wasn't afraid to speak his mind and tell him to shape up his life (he had a baby with his girlfriend around this time) and S seemed to respond positively to this and seemed to have a great deal of respect for Ryan. S even continued to call him periodically over the last few years, often wanting to meet up whenever he drove through our area.

Well, fast forward to this past week. Apparently, S made a negative comment about another former co-worker of theirs who had just lost his job. Ryan defended this other person and basically told S to lay off. Well, that set S off (this is all over email, by the way) and he ripped into Ryan, saying that everyone they worked with always treated him like crap and looked down on him, even Ryan. And then he says something I never thought anybody would ever say to one of us. He says that while he may have a baby out of wedlock, at least he has one, and then says, and I quote, "How's having a kid going for you???"

Yes, he actually wrote that.

Someone actually made fun of my infertility.

I know he didn't say it to me, to my face, but he might as well have. It felt like I got punched in the stomach when I heard that (Ryan told me about it, then regretted it, although I'm glad he did). I mean, really...who says something like that? Never in all these years has someone used my infertility against me (or Ryan) with malicious intent. And why? Because adults don't do that! Even people who hate each other wouldn't say something like that. It's like a social code or something!

I know this person's words should mean nothing to me. They change nothing and they mean nothing. And it's not like I didn't already know I'm infertile, so him pointing it out isn't exactly a shocker. It's more that I'm absolutely stunned that a grown man would use it to purposely hurt my husband.

It also makes me realize that while he is the first person to say it to us, there have probably been others who have thought it. I can't imagine that this guy is the first person to use my infertility to make himself feel superior to us. I'm sure someone who didn't like me or Ryan for whatever reason has had the thought, "Ha ha! They can't have kids! Serves them right!"

I have thought about that before, especially in the world of face.book. Not that I have tons of enemies, but there are always people who don't like you. Now I just picture them reveling in my ill fortune.

But, as I said before, none of that should matter. I know this. I just had to share with you all that when I thought I'd experienced everything there was to experience with infertility, there was actually a lower depth of hurtfulness still out there. I guess I shouldn't be surprised.

I also pray for this man because he obviously has some issues. God help him.